Daily Reprieve

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

Do we lay the matter before our sponsor or spiritual adviser, earnestly asking God’s help and guidance — meanwhile resolving to do the right thing when it becomes clear, cost what it may?   (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 86-87)

My belief in a Higher Power is an essential part of my work on Step Nine; forgiveness, timing, and right motives are the other ingredients. My willingness to do the Step is a growing experience that opens the door for new and honest relationships with the people I have harmed. My responsible action brings me closer to the spiritual principles of the program — love and service. Peace of mind, serenity, and a stronger faith are sure to follow.

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The matter that the 12 and 12 refers to when it says, “Do we lay the matter. . . ” is one in which the alcoholic could get away with if he says nothing, but almost certainly will be fired and become unemployable if he confesses it, thus accepting the consequences of his actions, but also causing his dependent family to suffer with him.  The practical wisdom of the 12 steps suggests that the matter be brought to the family and the decision be made in unison while the individual is ready, regardless of the decision, to accept the consequences of his actions.

There is one shift that must take place for this program to work.  I am not alone.  When I believed in that aloneness, I created the consequences that have been painful to face.  We are not alone, and when we give up our isolated thinking and include those who are affected by our decisions, we include those who are spiritual advisers, and we include Gomu (God of my understanding) in our decision making process, we experience the ability to let go of the past horrors, of spiritually significant timing, and the use of tested motives.

My peace of mind comes from connection with the Spiritus Mundi of recovery.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

Good judgment, a careful sense of timing, courage and prudence – these are the qualities we shall need when we take Step Nine.   (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 83)

To make amends can be viewed two ways: first, that of repairing damage, for if I have damaged my neighbor’s fence, I “make a mend,” and that is a direct amend; the second way is by modifying my behavior, for if my actions have harmed someone, I make a daily effort to cause no further harm. I “mend my ways,” and that is an indirect amend. Which is the best approach? The only right approach, provided that I am causing no further harm in so doing, is to do both. If harm is done, then I simply “mend my ways.” To take action in this manner assures me of making honest amends.

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My alcoholism has the power to do damage to me and to others who become involved with me.  My disease used my power as a living being to destroy.  I became powerless, not because I had no power, but because I surrendered that power to a pathological relationship.  Once surrendered, I am enslaved.

My sobriety has the power to strengthen me and to encourage others who become involved with me.  My solution uses my power as a living being to further empower.  I become powerful, not because I had the power as an isolated being, but because I surrendered that power to a God of my own understanding.  Once surrendered, I experience freedom.

The amends process is the practical expression of this new reality for me.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

For the readiness to take the full consequences of our past acts, and to take responsibility for the well-being of others at the same time, is the very spirit of Step Nine.   (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 87)

In recovery, and through the help of Alcoholics Anonymous, I learn that the very thing I fear is my freedom. It comes from my tendency to recoil from taking responsibility for anything: I deny, I ignore, I blame, I avoid. Then one day, I look, I admit, I accept. The freedom, the healing and the recovery I experience is in the looking, admitting and accepting. I learn to say, “Yes, I am responsible.” When I can speak those words with honesty and sincerity, then I am free.

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More is expected from the healthy man than from the hospital patient.  The better my health, the greater others come to depend on me.  After I know how to get well I am not protecting by the mantel of ignorance.  I am responsible for my life and its impact on others.

From Daily Reflections of 11 September;

Above all, we should try to be absolutely sure that we are not delaying because we are afraid.   (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 87)

To have courage, to be unafraid, are gifts of my recovery. They empower me to ask for help and to go forth in making my amends with a sense of dignity and humility. Making amends may require a certain amount of honesty that I feel I lack, yet with the help of God and the wisdom of others, I can reach within and find the strength to act. My amends may be accepted, or they may not, but after they are completed I can walk with a sense of freedom and know that, for today, I am responsible.

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Each circle I complete in life adds to the strength of my life’s expression.  I have retired after 23 years of military service.  That circle is closed.  I am completing academic studies for a niche in the civilian world, and thus I am closing the circle on my formal education.  Recovery spotlights several circles that have remained open in my life and bleed me of resolve and self-confidence.  The moral inventory and the subsequent amends are ways of closing spiritual circles that will represent a new found power in my life.

From Daily Reflections of 10 September;

They [the Promises] will always materialize if we work for them.   (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 84)

Sometimes I think: “Making these amends is going too far! No one should have to humble himself like that!” However, it is this very humbling of myself that brings me that much closer to the sunlight of the spirit. A.A. is the only hope I have if I am to continue healing and gain a life of happiness, friendship and harmony.

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The goal expressed is happiness, friendship, and harmony in ever increasing exposure to the Sunlight of the Spirit.  The requirement is that I work for it, and endure the humility with cleaning up my side of the street.  It is a steady and persistent forward momentum with this goal in mind that leads me to take possession of each day’s reprieve.  Be prospered in your journey.

From  Daily Reflections for September 9th;

They [the Promises] are being fulfilled among us — sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.   (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 84)

The Promises talked about in this passage are slowly coming to life for me. What has given me hope is putting Step Nine into action. The Step has allowed me to see and set goals for myself in recovery.

Old habits and behaviors die hard. Working Step Nine enables me to close the door on the drunk I was, and to open new avenues for myself as a sober alcoholic. Making direct amends is crucial for me. As I repair relationships and behavior of the past, I am better able to live a sober life!

Although I have some years of sobriety, there are times when the “old stuff’ from the past needs to be taken care of, and Step Nine always works, when I work it.

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I hate those promises the actors spout off in movies; “Everything is going to be all right, I promise.”  “I will not let anything happen to you, I promise.”  “Things will get better, I promise.”  It has been my experience that these are empty words when it comes to dealing with life on life’s terms.  It only makes sense when you are in a well choreographed performance.  Interactive life feels a lot more impromptu.  Miracles are irrelevant until they have happened.   I think that it is more important to have Intent Expressed than Promises Awaited.  Thus, my intent is to be painstaking about this phase of my development until I am amazed.  My intent is to know a new freedom and a new happiness.  My intent is to be free of regret so that my past can become something I am connected to in strength.  My intent is to comprehend and experience serenity.  My intent is to become useful to others, leaving behind the feeling of uselessness and self-pity.  I will lose interest in adorning a world of isolated selfishness and intend to connect to others in a way that is empowering to them.  I intend to stop self-seeking in fear that I will not be cared for.  I intend to have a completely different and more powerful outlook on life without fear of economic insecurity.  I intend to stay devoted to the habitual listening to the intuitive guidance of Gomu (God of my understanding), no longer dominated by situations that used to require me to ruminate and worry throughout the day.  It is my intention to recognized that God is doing for me what I cannot do for myself.  These are my intentions, and require my involvement.  They are not empty promises that come to me in passivity.  They paint a picture of the kind of life I am to expect as a result of my progressive spiritual awakening.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

We asked His protection and care with complete abandon.   (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 59)

I could not manage my life alone. I had tried that road and failed. My “ultimate sin” dragged me down to the lowest level I have ever reached and, unable even to function, I accepted the fact that I desperately needed help. I stopped fighting and surrendered entirely to God.

Only then did I start growing! God forgave me. A Higher Power had to have saved me, because the doctors doubted that I would survive. I have forgiven myself now and I enjoy a freedom I have never before experienced. I’ve opened my heart and mind to Him. The more I learn, the less I know — a humbling fact — but I sincerely want to keep growing. I enjoy serenity, but only when I entrust my life totally to God. As long as I am honest with myself and ask for His help, I can maintain this rewarding existence.

Just for today, I strive to live His will for me — soberly.

I thank God that today I can choose not to drink.

Today, life is beautiful!

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I want my trust of Gomu (God of my understanding) to be a once and for all absolute decision.  I want the Infinite One to be happy with me and to communicate intimately to me in a way that I can hear.  I am thankful for the reality that I can chose not to drink.  I wish that I could live a life of consensual non-consent in an absolute surrender to the God who loves me. I am afraid of my own will when I am alone with a mind that I can never totally trust.  For some reason, my Higher Power seems to trust me.  I am not so sure that is a good idea.  I will take what I have and attempt to trust and be trustworthy.  I am very grateful.

(Picture is Hand of God sculpture in London, sculptor is Lorenzo Quinn)

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

We are there to sweep off our side of the street, realizing that nothing worth while can be accomplished until we do so, never trying to tell him what he should do. His faults are not discussed. We stick to our own.   (Alcoholics Anonymous, pages 77-78)

I made amends to my dad soon after I quit drinking. My words fell on deaf ears since I had blamed him for my troubles. Several months later I made amends to my dad again. This time I wrote a letter in which I did not blame him nor mention his faults. It worked, and at last I understood! My side of the street is all that I’m responsible for and — thanks to God and A.A. — it’s clean for today.

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If I focus only on sweeping my side of the street, will the credibility of my cause be lost?  If I don’t diminish the dirt in my life by pointing out the filth in theirs, will I become the world’s scapegoat?  If people want to improve their lives and overcome their own transgressions, watching me take responsibility for mine gives them a nudge to do the same.  If my fellow humans have felt guilty but afraid to deal with the source of that guilt, my act of courage will present the possibility of doing the same.  If others are not moved by my amends, they most certainly will not be won by my vengeful proclamations.  I think it is human nature to desire to give as good as we get.  Thus what we have the habit of sowing into other lives will tend to be what we reap socially.

It is one of my first acts of trust in Gomu (God of my understanding).  It is turning away from a world of relationship wars and woes and embracing potential serenity and happiness.  It is my broom, my side of the street, and my public display of transforming humility.

From September 6th’s Daily Reflections;

. . . except when to do so would injure them or others.   (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 59)

Step Nine restores in me a feeling of belonging, not only to the human race but also to the everyday world. First, the Step makes me leave the safety of A.A., so that I may deal with non-A.A. people “out there,” on their terms, not mine. It is a frightening but necessary action if I am to get back into life. Second, Step Nine allows me to remove threats to my sobriety by healing past relationships. Step Nine points the way to a more serene sobriety by letting me clear away past wreckage, lest it bring me down.

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I resonate with this contribution for the Reflections.  Like the perfection of freshly fallen snow, although tempted, I do not wish to mess it up with my meandering footprints.  I just want to take it in.  Yes.  This is so true.

From September 5th’s Daily Reflections;

Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, . . .  (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 83)

When I survey my drinking days, I recall many people whom my life touched casually, but whose days I troubled through my anger and sarcasm. These people are untraceable, and direct amends to them are not possible. The only amends I can make to those untraceable individuals, the only “changes for the better” I can offer, are indirect amends made to other people, whose paths briefly cross mine. Courtesy and kindness, regularly practiced, help me to live in emotional balance, at peace with myself.

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The untraceable individuals, citizens of my alcoholic past who left no forwarding address, have become symbols of a life I once viewed as acceptable.  Alcohol describes me as one type of person, and Gomu is showing me another.   It is a process of securing my God life over my tragic one.  The attempt to achieve Emotional Balance and Serenity remind me of Bob Lind’s song, Elusive Butterfly of Love.  Yeah, I’m that old.