Daily Reprieve

From the Daily Reflections of October 4;

. . . we know that the pains of drinking had to come before sobriety, and emotional turmoil before serenity.   (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 94)

I love spending time in my garden feeding and pruning my beautiful flowers. One day, as I was busily snipping away, a neighbor stopped by. She commented, “Oh! Your plants are so beautiful, it seems such a shame to cut them back.” I replied, “I know how you feel, but the excess must be removed so they can grow stronger and healthier.” Later I thought that perhaps my plants feel pain, but God and I know it’s part of the plan and I’ve seen the results. I was quickly reminded of my precious A.A. program and how we all grow through pain. I ask God to prune me when it’s time, so I can grow.

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And we return to the catalyst effect of pain.  I have often thought that once we become adults, we simply do not grow without pain instigating it and being apart of the process.  I suppose that may be why alcoholics tend to be stunted in their maturity.  We have used alcohol to numb the pain.  We achieve without the inner stability and fortitude to steward those achievements and their associated relationships.  Yet I should avoid the deliberate manufacture of pain, for that is often the disease attempting to justify itself as a solution.  Let life schedule the events and God take control of the results.  I focus on working the tasks that are apart of recovery.  When the pain comes, I work through it, or with it?  This seems to be the life of spiritual empowerment.  I am the plant accepting the painful pruning from Gomu(God of my understanding) who really loves this recovery nursery.

From the Daily Reflections of October 3;

Someone who knew what he was talking about once remarked that pain was the touchstone of all spiritual progress. How heartily we A.A.’s can agree with him. . . .  (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, pages 93-94)

When on the roller coaster of emotional turmoil, I remember that growth is often painful. My evolution in the A.A. program has taught me that I must experience the inner change, however painful, that eventually guides me from selfishness to selflessness. If I am to have serenity, I must STEP my way past emotional turmoil and its subsequent hangover, and be grateful for continuing spiritual progress.

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In the given text  from the Twelve and Twelve, I had problems with the phrase, “pain was the touchstone of all spiritual progress.”  I looked up the definition for touchstone and it did not fit in the context it was taken from. Catalyst would have been a better choice.  I talked with someone in tonight’s meeting about this phrase.  He said that a sponsor had explained it to him that when pain comes our way, we will have a choice in the way we respond to it.  We will either drink or seek a spiritual solution.  The way we respond to that painful call for a decision will reveal our spiritual progress.  That makes sense to me.

The contributor defined spiritual progress as an inner change, possibly painful, that leads me from selfishness to selflessness.  For me, it is more accurate to say that it is a move from isolating selfishness to a willingness to sacrifice for a greater good.  The only time a human being is truly selfless is when he is rotting in the grave.  Selfless is defined as “having little or no concern for oneself.”  That just seems dangerous in recovery.  I have to have some desire for self-preservation and some ambition to live a better life and reap its fruits.  To me, selflessness is what you feel when you have made the decision to commit suicide and you are giving everything away.  So I seek to connect, to move beyond isolating selfishness, and in connection with the recovery network and Gomu (God of my understanding), I seek the will of my Higher Power, which will lead me to a common good for which I have grown willing to make sacrifices.

Art Source: [ http://optiknerve-gr.deviantart.com/ ]

From the Daily Reflections of October 2;

As we work the first nine Steps, we prepare ourselves for the adventure of a new life. But when we approach Step Ten we commence to put our A.A. way of living to practical use, day by day, in fair weather or foul. Then comes the acid test: can we stay sober, keep in emotional balance, and live to good purpose under all conditions?   (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 88)

I know the Promises are being fulfilled in my life, but I want to maintain and develop them by the daily application of Step Ten. I have learned through this Step that if I am disturbed, there is something wrong with me. The other person may be wrong too, but I can only deal with my feelings. When I am hurt or upset, I have to continually look for the cause in me, and then I have to admit and correct my mistakes. It isn’t easy, but as long as I know I am progressing spiritually, I know that I can mark my effort up as a job well done. I have found that pain is a friend; it lets me know there is something wrong with my emotions, just as a physical pain lets me know there is something wrong with my body. When I take the appropriate action through the Twelve Steps, the pain gradually goes away.

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So it would seem that the mission of Step Ten is to maintain sobriety and emotional balance which leads to living to good purpose under all conditions.  The daily application of Step Ten is a way to maintain and develop the Ninth Step Promises that were catalyzed by my moral inventory, prayers for the removal of my short-comings,  and subsequent amends.  Personal pain and disturbance signals a real need to go ahead and use the daily inventory to find my part in that painful disturbance.  This is not a courtroom procedure.  Finding my part transforms me from a fearful victim to a transformed and empowered child of the Fatherheart.  Step Ten is a necessary and desirable daily ritual.

From the Daily Reflections of October 1;

It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do, for alcohol is a subtle foe.   (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 85)

When I am in pain it is easy to stay close to the friends I have found in the program. Relief from that pain is provided in the solutions contained in A.A.’s Twelve Steps. But when I am feeling good and things are going well, I can become complacent. To put it simply, I become lazy and turn into the problem instead of the solution. I need to get into action, to take stock: where am I and where am I going? A daily inventory will tell me what I must change to regain spiritual balance. Admitting what I find within myself, to God and to another human being, keeps me honest and humble.

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Step 10:  Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

Perfectionist Fear;  Wanting to perform at a level that is beyond reproach or not at all.  Usually the latter.  Rejection Fear;  Wanting to hear voices of validation, thus I decide to perform anyway and obsess over the prospect that I am being ignored, my voice is not being heard.

Results in an apathetic mind and an anxious heart.  Cannot stay in such a state of being.

GOMU Conference;  He is responsible for the results and I am responsible for the day’s tasks.  Calm down and work.  Surrender the results to Gomu (God of my understanding).  Help this to be a normal part of my being.

From the Daily Reflections of September 30;

The circle stands for the whole world of A.A., and the triangle stands for A.A.’s Three Legacies of Recovery, Unity, and Service. Within our wonderful new world, we have found freedom from our fatal obsession.   (A.A. Comes of Age, page 139)

Early in my A.A. life, I became employed in its services and I found the explanation of our society’s logo to be very appropriate. First, a circle of love and service with a well-balanced triangle inside, the base of which represents our Recovery through the Twelve Steps. Then the other two sides, representing Unity and Service, respectively. The three sides of the triangle are equal. As I grew in A.A. I soon identified myself with this symbol. I am the circle, and the sides of the triangle represent three aspects of my personality: physical, emotional sanity, and spirituality, the latter forming the symbol’s base. Taken together, all three aspects of my personality translate into a sober and happy life.

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I can take the basic circle and triangle and leave it simple or make it very complex.  I am tired and a little numb this evening, but I am grateful for each day of sobriety, each 24 hours that I can hold in my hand.

From the Daily Reflections of September 29;

Frequent contact with newcomers and with each other is the bright spot of our lives.   (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 89)

A man came to the meeting drunk, interrupted the speakers, stood up and took his shirt off, staggered loudly back and forth for coffee, demanded to talk, and eventually called the group’s secretary an unquotable name and walked out. I was glad he was there – once again I saw what I had been like. But I also saw what I still am, and what I still could be. I don’t have to be drunk to want to be the exception and the center of attention. I have often felt abused and responded abusively when I was simply being treated as a garden variety human being. The more the man tried to insist he was different, the more I realized that he and I were exactly alike.

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A birthday of lamentations.  A friend withdrawn in personal pain.  I hijack that pain and make it about me.  I make a public display, aided by facebook.  Exactly alike, indeed.  Seeking solution that lasts.

From the Daily Reflections of September 28;

Practical experience shows that nothing will so much insure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics.  (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 89)

Sponsorship held two surprises for me. First, that my sponsees cared about me. What I had thought was gratitude was more like love. They wanted me to be happy, to grow and remain sober. Knowing how they felt kept me from drinking more than once. Second, I discovered that I was able to love someone else responsibly, with respectful and genuine concern for that person’s growth. Before that time, I had thought that my ability to care sincerely about another’s well-being had atrophied from lack of use. To learn that I can love, without greed or anxiety, has been one of the deepest gifts the program has given me. Gratitude for that gift has kept me sober many times.

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I am surprised at how much I want to know this reality.  I want to be able to do and feel all of this.  I remember in a galaxy far, far away a group I admired while in the military.  They were called the Navigators, founded by Dawson Trotman.  He died lifting up another.  Why does that appeal to me?  It just seems like a good death.  It even seems like it might be a good life.  I liked the Navigators pragmatic approach to spirituality and see that duplicated in the 12 step recovery program.  Is it a real possibility?  It makes a good story.

From the Daily Reflections of September 27;

When brimming with gratitude, one’s heartbeat must surely result in outgoing love, . . .  (As Bill Sees It, page 37)

While practicing service to others, if my successes give rise to grandiosity, I must reflect on what brought me to this point. What has been given joyfully, with love, must be passed on without reservation and without expectation. For as I grow, I find that no matter how much I give with love, I receive much more in spirit.

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After a world of hurt I experienced in 2003 that had nothing to do with active alcoholism, I made a profound commitment not to love or be directed by the need for love again.  By 2005 I had utterly failed to protect myself from it.  I was all on board with the Nazareth assertion that Love hurts.  Over time I have gained a perspective change gained through AA and my intimate others that refused to surrender me to my social suicide.  Love is about connection and empowerment.  It grows in effectiveness as it is shared.  I desire the potentially infinite empowerment of being able to share without reservation.

From Daily Reflections of September 26;

The alcoholic may find it hard to re-establish friendly relations with his children. . . . In time they will see that he is a new man and in their own way they will let him know it. . . . From that point on, progress will be rapid.  Marvelous results often follow such a reunion.   (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 134)

While on the road to recovery I received a gift that could not be purchased. It was a card from my son in college, saying, “Dad, you can’t imagine how glad I am that everything is okay. Happy Birthday, I love you.” My son had told me that he loved me before. It had been during the previous Christmas holidays, when he had said to me, while crying, “Dad, I love you! Can’t you see what you’re doing to yourself?” I couldn’t. Choked with emotion, I had cried, but this time, when I received my son’s card, my tears were tears of joy, not desperation.

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This has become a painful area for me.  I lost a stepson to this disease, and my other son is not communicating with me because of my disease.  He is in his own world of pain.  I am responsible for some of it.  This is out of my hands, and there is nothing I would like more to be under my control because the relationship is so very significant.  My isolated self ego sees injustice and does not want to succeed on someone else’s terms, not even someone I love.  My righteous indignation is a call for emotional suicide.

I will not get or stay sober because anyone I love wants me to.  So, what will I do then?  What will those like me do?  I am so tired of hospital visits and brushes with the law for chemically induced stupidity.  I am tired of my ambitions leaving me spiritually bankrupt.

There is a solution.  I believe that.  I will keep coming back.  If I fall seven times, I will get up eight.  I have experienced recovery in bits and pieces.  And maybe I can have a good story of restored relationships, as is recorded here.  My first restored relationship must be with my God.

——– Upadte (September 2021) ———-

I now have what I consider to be open and genuine relationships with both my son and daughter. Both have affirmed my positive contributions to their lives. I am beyond grateful.

From Daily Reflections of September 25;

Some of us have taken very hard knocks to learn this truth: Job or no job – wife or no wife – we simply do not stop drinking so long as we place dependence upon other people ahead of dependence on God.   (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 98)

Before coming to A.A., I always had excuses for taking a drink: “She said . . . ,” “He said . . . ,” “I got fired yesterday,” “I got a great job today.” No area of my life could be good if I drank again. In sobriety my life gets better each day. I must always remember not to drink, to trust God, and to stay active in A.A. Am I putting anything before my sobriety, God, and A.A. today?

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I woke up this morning with a worried mind that was intent on rehearsing possible strategies and outcomes.  I knew this did not qualify as serenity.  I remembered that God is in charge of the results.  I have been created to take on tasks.  I turned toward meditation with a simple question; what are the tasks that are assigned to me for this day?  My head became clear and I began the ongoing process of releasing and trusting the results to my GOMU (God of my understanding).

In the past, my mind would have been fully involved in the worries I had chosen to entertain for the day.  This would lead me to seek comfort in relationships and escapes and obsessions and distractions and . . .in the end, I would not have been very effective at living.  When I chose this way of living, the lamentations and excuses flow.  I am glad I know I have choice today.