Daily Reprieve

From the Daily Reflections of December 22;

The way our “worthy” alcoholics have sometimes tried to judge the “less worthy” is, as we look back on it, rather comical. Imagine, if you can, one alcoholic judging another!   (The Language of the Heart, page 37).

Who am I to judge anyone? When I first entered the Fellowship I found that I liked everyone. After all, A.A. was going to help me to a better way of life without alcohol. The reality was that I couldn’t possibly like everyone, nor they me. As I’ve grown in the Fellowship, I’ve learned to love everyone just from listening to what they had to say. That person over there, or the one right here, may be the one God has chosen to give me the message I need for today. I must always remember to place principles above personalities.

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“We want to stay out of this controversy. We do not want to be the arbiter of anyone’s sex conduct. We all have sex problems.” (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 69)

My stepson died of an overdose in 2007.  He could never really process the rejection of his biological father.  The bio-dad started tagging pictures from the Facebook memorial page that my former wife established.  I was livid and I felt that I was having to accept the unacceptable.  My grief came rushing back, and I knew that emotional anguish was pushing me toward relapse and possibly some rash action.  I sent out a notice to my friends of Bill for prayer and then took off to meeting.  I reached out to connect in the rooms.  This is a miracle response from an alcoholic.

Then someone spoke up who had also lost a son and knew of my life, and did not approve of my BDSM sex orientation.  He told me that he had experienced overcoming the selfishness of using his grief for an excuse to relapse, and that I would not find serenity until I was in the Will of God.  I was thankful for his need to confront me at this vulnerable time because he reminded me of what I never want to be again.  That is the one regret I had with my stepson, was that I was too religious to embrace him completely, like he really needed.  I was more concerned about him mouthing the proper words and living a churchian homogenized life.

Someone else spoke in a genuine fashion that gave me the exact words I needed to hear.  I am still sober and still processing the grief and resentment.  I just did not realize how much of an issue this is for me.  And as far as the religious in the rooms, I pray that I do not become the thing I hate by responding to judgement with judgement.

Oh, and I participated through a phone meeting in a 12 step group called Recovery in the Lifestyle, in case you also have a BDSM sex orientation and would like to find others in recovery who can adapt the program to the paradox of power exchange relationships.

From the Daily Reflections of December 21;

When working with a man and his family, you should take care not to participate in their quarrels. You may spoil your chance of being helpful if you do.   (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 100).

When trying to help a fellow alcoholic, I’ve given in to an impulse to give advice, and perhaps that’s inevitable. But allowing others the right to be wrong reaps its own benefits. The best I can do — and it sounds easier than it is to put into practice — is to listen, share personal experience, and pray for others.

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(Click Image to Source Credit)

I am not much of one to participate in people’s active quarrels.  I do have enough co-dependent tendencies to get sucked into a futile peace-keeping missions to manage social situations to prevent anything from ever occurring in the first place.    When the self-will of an alcoholic (or addict) is running riot, it really is an exercise in futility.  Sometimes consequences and the resulting desperation is a gift from God and I don’t need to get caught in the crossfire.  If sharing my personal experience is not desired, it is time for me to go back to the house and let the chemical hell take its course.

I keep a page on this site for important things to remind myself of when I am sponsoring or doing 12th Step work ~ click here.

From the Daily Reflections of December 20;

This is indeed the kind of giving that actually demands nothing. He does not expect his brother sufferer to pay him, or even to love him. And then he discovers that by the divine paradox of this kind of giving he has found his own reward, whether his brother has yet received anything or not.   (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 109).

Through experience with Twelfth Step work, I came to understand the rewards of giving that demands nothing in return. At first I expected recovery in others, but I soon learned that this did not happen. Once I acquired the humility to accept the fact that every Twelfth Step call was not going to result in a success, then I was open to receive the rewards of selfless giving.

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The goal of my recovery is to be able to give without the fear of being diminished.  Normally I would need to know that I will be appreciated, loved, and respected for the success of my activities.  This is the life of isolated self exaltation.  This is how I protected myself from being drained by any attempt to help others.  In recovery I am guaranteed nothing but connection within the Fellowship and with my Higher Power.  I can now enjoy a secret empowerment that allows me to risk giving without ensuring reward.  In this endeavor, I am in union with an infinitely powerful and loving Spirit, my Gomu (God of my understanding).

From the Daily Reflections of December 19;

When dealing with an alcoholic, there may be a natural annoyance that a man could be so weak, stupid and irresponsible. Even when you understand the malady better, you may feel this feeling rising.   (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 139)

Having suffered from alcoholism, I should understand the illness, but sometimes I feel annoyance, even contempt, toward a person who cannot make it in A.A. When I feel that way, I am satisfying my false sense of superiority and I must remember, but for the grace of God, there go I.

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I have been that weak, stupid, and irresponsible individual who has ridden the relapse rodeo in recovery. It is hard to learn to trust my own mind when I tell myself that I am indeed alcoholic when I have been so good at lying to myself in the past.  It is hard to lose faith in the chemical deliverance from the places I get locked into such as depression or boredom.  It is hard to remember the terrible consequences of the past when I tend to exaggerate or manufacture the miseries of the present. Now that I have overcome a hopeless state of mind and body. and know what I need to do to stay sober and make progress toward emotional stability, may I become better at giving away what I have acquired to those who still suffer.

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From the Daily Reflections of December 17;

. . . work with other alcoholics. . . . It works when other activities fail.   (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 89)

“Life will take on new meaning,” as the Big Book says (p. 89). This promise has helped me to avoid self-seeking and self-pity. To watch others grow in this wonderful program, to see them improve the quality of their lives, is a priceless reward for my effort to help others. Self-examination is yet another reward for an ongoing recovery, as are serenity, peace and contentment. The energy derived from seeing others on a successful path, of sharing with them the joys of the journey, gives to my life a new meaning.

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Another human face caught in an alcoholic tragedy is a reflection of my own past struggles.  When I seek to help them, I reach back in time and validate those efforts that brought recovery into my own life.  The opposite effect occurs when I ignore those still suffering.  This is the paradox of the self-preserving altruism practiced in the 12 Step program.

From the Daily Reflections of December 16;

. . . nothing will so much insure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics. . . .

Both you and the new man must walk day by day in the path of spiritual progress. . . . Follow the dictates of a Higher Power and you will presently live in a new and wonderful world, no matter what your present circumstances!   (Alcoholics Anonymous, pages 89, 100)

Doing the right things for the right reasons — this is my way of controlling my selfishness and self centeredness. I realize that my dependency on a Higher Power clears the way for peace of mind, happiness and sobriety. I pray each day that I will avoid my previous actions, so that I will be helpful to others.

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 (Photo by Tommy Clark; Click Image)

This pursuit of sobriety cannot and was never meant to be a solitary journey.  I see a counselor to resist falling too long into depression.  She recommended that I see the following TED talk.  I will share it with you:

From the Daily Reflections of December 15;

Offer him [the alcoholic] friendship and fellowship. Tell him that if he wants to get well you will do anything to help.   (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 95)

I remember how attracted I was to the two men from A.A. who Twelfth-Stepped me. They said I could have what they had, with no conditions attached, that all I had to do was make my own decision to join them on the pathway to recovery. When I start convincing a newcomer to do things my way, I forget how helpful those two men were to me in their open-minded generosity.

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————————————— When your will has been broken, your mind has been turned against you, and your heart has been humiliated into paralysis you become the animated corpse of horror movies.  This is what alcohol summoned into my life.  The assertion that alcohol finally “beat us into a state of reasonableness,” (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 48) is a cruel understatement of the situation. I was a mess coming into the rooms.

The will of my Higher Power, the mind of the 12 Steps, and the heart of the Fellowship acted as life support in early recovery.  The open-minded generosity that the Reflections contributor spoke of lured me back to life.  I was introduced to the paradox that surrender brought empowerment, and I desperately needed spiritual power.

How could I not want to do anything possible to help other sufferers as they first walk through the door?  It is only a lingering fear that prevents me.  And fear must be faced and overcome for me to continue to freely live.  I either grow or shrink.  Spiritual life is not a defensive war.  The casualties of alcoholism and addiction are real.  I will do anything to help.

From the Daily Reflections of December 14;

Never talk down to an alcoholic from any moral or spiritual hilltop; simply lay out the kit of spiritual tools for his inspection. Show him how they worked with you.   (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 95)

When I come into contact with a newcomer, do I have a tendency to look at him from my perceived angle of success in A.A.? Do I compare him with the large number of acquaintances I have made in the Fellowship? Do I point out to him in a magisterial way the voice of A.A.? What is my real attitude toward him? I must examine myself whenever I meet a newcomer to make sure that I am carrying the message with simplicity, humility and generosity. The one who still suffers from the terrible disease of alcoholism must find in me a friend who will allow him to get to know the A.A. way, because I had such a friend when I arrived in A.A. Today it is my turn to hold out my hand, with love, to my sister or brother alcoholic, and to show her or him the way to happiness.

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The admonition to “never talk down to an alcoholic” presumes that I am talking to an active alcoholic.  “When I come into contact with a newcomer” assumes that I am going to come into contact with a newcomer and interact.  The ultimate moral or religious hilltop (read isolating pride) is to withdraw from the efforts of the Fellowship while it interacts with newcomers and engages those still suffering from alcoholism, because I have recovered.  It is the ultimate state of personal arrogance when my own recovery is the only goal of my attendance in meetings.  How can I grow in humility and spirituality if I don’t risk reaching out?  If I am not finding the opportunity to grow, I will surrender to the tendency to shrink and fade.

From the Daily Reflections of December 13;

Our very lives, as ex-problem drinkers, depend upon our constant thought of others and how we may help meet their needs.   (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 20)

Thinking of others has never come easily to me. Even when I try to work the A.A. program, I’m prone to thinking, “How do I feel today. Am I happy, joyous and free?”

The program tells me that my thoughts must reach out to those around me: “Would that newcomer welcome someone to talk to?” “That person looks a little unhappy today, maybe I could cheer him up.” It is only when I forget my problems, and reach out to contribute something to others that I can begin to attain the serenity and God-consciousness I seek.

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“The constant thought of others and how we may meet their needs” seems like a tall order, and a formula for co-dependent manipulation.  My attempts to help others while in a state of selfish isolation does not work. For me to think of others requires a relinquishment of habitual fear and a growing trust in my God.  I need that connection to stay sober.  Such an obsession of praying and seeking to be useful is the path to greater empowerment in my own life.