Daily Reprieve

From the Daily Reflections of November 18;

Occasionally. . . . We are seized with a rebellion so sickening that we simply won’t pray. When these things happen we should not think too ill of ourselves-. We should simply resume prayer as soon as we can, doing what we know to be good for us.   (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 105)

Sometimes I scream, stomp my feet, and turn my back on my Higher Power. Then my disease tells me that I am a failure, and that if I stay angry I’ll surely get drunk. In those moments of self-will it’s as if I’ve slipped over a cliff and am hanging by one hand. The above passage is my safety net, in that it urges me to try some new behavior, such as being kind and patient with myself. It assures me that my Higher Power will wait until I am willing once again to risk letting go, to land in the net, and to pray.

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I remember a story of a man named Jacob who wrestled with God or one of his duly appointed representatives.  He left with a limp and a promise of protection and prosperity.   Sometimes the path to connecting with my Higher Power is not pretty or graceful.  Sometimes I must chose to withdraw or connect in frustration and anger.  Yet to withdraw means that there must be a relationship to pull back from.  To fuss and fume means there is an acceptance of the very real presence of Gomu (God of my understanding) in my life.  Faith empowers a relationship and no one is going to have an intimate connection with me and not see me struggle.  I accept the fact that I am a bit of a spiritual savage and give myself some lee way.

From the Daily Reflections of November 17;

Almost without exception, alcoholics are tortured by loneliness. Even before our drinking got bad and people began to cut us off, nearly all of us suffered the feeling that we didn’t quite belong.   (As Bill Sees It, page 90)

The agonies and the void that I often felt inside occur less and less frequently in my life today. I have learned to cope with solitude. It is only when I am alone and calm that I am able to communicate with God, for He cannot reach me when I am in turmoil. It is good to maintain contact with God at all times, but it is absolutely essential that, when everything seems to go wrong, I maintain that contact through prayer and meditation.

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This holiday season is very quiet.  I have not decorated or put up a tree or felt the agonizing rush to complete a gift list.  I am no longer married, and my children are forging their own lives.  My Father is with me but is quiet and awaiting his time to cross over.  With prayer and meditation, I sense this is not punishment, but a calling to intimacy with my Higher Power. Removing all that rattles my brain and distracts my heart, I feel a loving caress.  Being alone now feels like being chosen by Gomu (God of my understanding).  I could fight this and hunt down human contact, but I am honored by the pursuit.  All else seems paltry.  This place was hard won, working through resentments and fears.  The Steps laid the groundwork for this new and profound knowing, this thing some call faith.  I will gratefully embrace this beautiful loneliness, and the ugliness that it used to represent slips away. Loneliness becomes solitude as I unite with God.

NINE YEARS LATER: My Father passed away in 2017, about three years after I wrote the preceding words. My offspring have sprung off, as it should be. I love any visitation I gain from them, but I value the sacredness of my Homestone, the reality of connection in the fellowship, and the lessening of fears that caused me to attempt to milk my Higher Power. When I come home and secure my perimeter, I work to become smarter, stronger, and more efficient. I no longer feel as if I am being punished for unidentifiable crimes. When I slow down, there are whispers of significance. I try to respond with gratitude. It is what I feel at this moment.

From the Daily Reflections of November 16;

What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition.   (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 85)

Maintaining my spiritual condition is like working out every day, planning for the marathon, swimming laps, jogging. It’s staying in good shape spiritually, and that requires prayer and meditation. The single most important way for me to improve my conscious contact with a Higher Power is to pray and meditate. I am as powerless over alcohol as I am to turn back the waves of the sea; no human force had the power to overcome my alcoholism. Now I am able to breathe the air of joy, happiness and wisdom. I have the power to love and react to events around me with the eyes of a faith in things that are not readily apparent. My daily reprieve means that, no matter how difficult or painful things appear today, I can draw on the power of the program to stay liberated from my cunning, baffling and powerful illness.

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There is something clarifying and liberating when you know that you are dead or destroyed except for the reliance on some greater force or protective discipline.  I was assigned near the DMZ in Korea back in the 80’s to a facility whose one job was to notify military personal that the North was crossing over.  We knew that if that occurred, we probably had about ten minutes before we were destroyed.  So we trained to do what are lives had become about in that moment, and we would get the message south before we died.  Every day I wake up, I am grateful for my sobriety.  I must find a way to make it count.  I have to get the message south with every sober breath I draw.  My daily reprieve is not my personal property, but a gift to reinforce a mission, which is the primary purpose of Alcoholics Anonymous.  That primary purpose is to stay sober and help other alcoholics find sobriety.

From the Daily Reflections of November 15;

Those of us who have come to make regular use of prayer would no more do without it than we would refuse air, food, or sunshine. And for the same reason. When we refuse air, light, or food, the body suffers. And when we turn away from meditation and prayer, we likewise deprive our minds, our emotions, and our intuitions of vitally needed support.   (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 97)

Step Eleven doesn’t have to overwhelm me. Conscious contact with God can be as simple, and as profound, as conscious contact with another human being. I can smile. I can listen. I can forgive. Every encounter with another is an opportunity for prayer, for acknowledging God’s presence within me.

Today I can bring myself a little closer to my Higher Power. The more I choose to seek the beauty of God’s work in other people, the more certain of His presence I will become.

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I am obsessive in my approach to life.  I am better than I have been, but I am not sure that I will ever be able to balance it out to so that I can breath the air normally the way other Homo sapiens seem to do.  I forget to drink water days at a time.  Luckily my body seems to be able to extract enough from sweet tea or coffee to keep me from drying out.  If I get hooked into a project, sleep becomes accidental naps.  Food is a binge sport between real life and necessary existence.  I know this is not good.  Something in me just screams for more.  And then there is the prayer.  I talk to Gomu (God of my understanding) as if I am speaking to a muse.  It is an ongoing interaction with various formats and levels of intensity.  I really do not know what I would have done if my line of communication had stayed dead between myself and the great “I Am.”  Vital is an understatement.

————- Immediately after publishing this post, the following article came up in my news feed.  Maybe there is hope, maybe my God is just saying to continue to draw from the Source until . . . or maybe he just letting me know there is a biochemical reason, and that we will work it out.————-

OCD patients’ brains light up to reveal how compulsive habits develop

From the Daily Reflections of November 14;

. . . we ask God for inspiration, an intuitive thought or a decision. We relax and take it easy. We don’t struggle.   (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 86)

I invest my time in what I truly love. Step Eleven is a discipline that allows me and my Higher Power to be together, reminding me that, with God’s help, intuition and inspiration are possible. Practice of the Step brings on selflove. In a consistent attempt to improve my conscious contact with a Higher Power, I am subtly reminded of my unhealthy past, with its patterns of grandiose thinking and false feelings of omnipotence. When I ask for the power to carry out God’s will for me, I am made aware of my powerlessness. Humility and a healthy selflove are compatible, a direct result of working Step Eleven.

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“Intuition and inspiration are possible.”  This, to me, is the kernel of living a real life.  It is all the magic I have dreamed of as a child gaining dominance in the suffocation of my adult world.  I live to connect beyond the limitations of human fear.  The more others have beyond self connections, the more powerful we all become.   Alcohol was my last hail Mary for . . . something more.  In the short run it failed me.  Ultimately it opened me to the 12 steps of the AA Fellowship and the most genuine relationship I have ever had with God, through the Gomu concept, that is, finding a God Of My Understanding.

From the Daily Reflections of November 13;

We ask especially for freedom from self-will, and are careful to make no requests for ourselves only. We may ask for ourselves, however, if others will be helped. We are careful never to pray for our own selfish ends.   (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 87)

As an active alcoholic, I allowed selfishness to run rampant in my life. I was so attached to my drinking and other selfish habits that people and moral principles came second. Now, when I pray for the good of others rather than my “own selfish ends,” I practice a discipline in letting go of selfish attachments, caring for my fellows and preparing for the day when I will be required to let go of all earthly attachments.

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“Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must, or it kills us! God makes that possible”  (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 62)

This Selfishness

What is this particular brand of selfishness that will kill the alcoholic?  It was described in detailed parables on the previous pages, but is summed up at the end of page 61 and the beginning of page 62:

“Our actor is self-centered – ego-centric, as people like to call it nowadays. He is like the retired business man who lolls in the Florida sunshine in the winter complaining of the sad state of the nation; the minister who sighs over the sins of the twentieth century; politicians and reformers who are sure all would be Utopia if the rest of the world would only behave; the outlaw safe cracker who thinks society has wronged him; and the alcoholic who has lost all and is locked up. Whatever our protestations, are not most of us concerned with ourselves, our resentments, or our self-pity?”

1.  Referring back to the parable of the Actor, his world view is all centered around himself ALONE.

2.  The Retired Businessman taking it easy in Florida petting himself, and complaining about the world he has withdrawn from.

3.  The minister whose religion creates a world of me and them, and in this distance sighs over the sins of a time and place he rejects, protected within the walls of his cathedral, Alone and Isolated.

4.  Politicians and Reformers are sure they have the correct ideals and the rest of the world is messing up their Utopian state.  They are thus separated from the very ones they propose to help.  Their ideals insure that they are Isolated and Alone, severed from day to day reality and its struggling citizens.

5.  The thief whose justifications support his crimes by saying that he is especially wronged is thus separated from the world, in a self-imposed exile, alone.

It is this Isolating Selfishness that produces all kinds of social problems.  For the alcoholic  such as myself, it will escort me into a tragic and humiliating end.

Thus our prayers should not reinforce this kind of isolated selfishness.  Turning our attention to the very real suffering of others protects us from this deadly form of isolating selfishness.  We learn to make “no requests for ourselves only” when we are developing our habits of prayer.

From the Daily Reflections of November 12;

Ask Him in your morning meditation what you can do each day for the man who is still sick.   (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 64)

For many years I pondered over God’s will for me, believing that perhaps a great destiny had been ordained for my life. After all, having been born into a specific faith, hadn’t I been told early that I was “chosen”? It finally occurred to me, as I considered the above passage, that God’s will for me was simply that I practice Step Twelve on a daily basis. Furthermore, I realized I should do this to the best of my ability. I soon learned that the practice aids me in keeping my life in the context of the day at hand.

END OF QUOTE

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Set Boundaries to Your Love

When people show you their boundaries (“I can’t do this for you”), you feel rejected.  You cannot accept the fact that others are unable to do for you all that you expect from them.  You desire boundless love, boundless care, boundless giving.

Part of your struggle is to set boundaries to your own love – something you have never done.  You give whatever people ask of you, and when they ask for more, you give more, until you find yourself exhausted, used, and manipulated.  Only when you are able to set your own boundaries will you be able to acknowledge, respect, and even be grateful for the boundaries of others.

In the presence of the people you love, your needs grow and grow, until those people are so overwhelmed by your needs that they are practically forced to leave you for their own survival.

The great task is to claim yourself for yourself, so that you can contain your needs within the boundaries of yourself and hold them in the presence of those you love.  True mutuality in love requires people who possess themselves and who can give to each other while holding on to their own identities.  So, in order both to give more effectively and to be more self-contained with your needs, you must learn to set boundaries to your love.

(The Inner Voice of Love, pages 9-10)

From the Daily Reflections of November 11;

We know that God lovingly watches over us. We know that when we turn to Him, all will be well with us, here and hereafter.   (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 105)

I pray for the willingness to remember that I am a child of God, a divine soul in human form, and that my most basic and urgent life-task is to accept, know, love and nurture myself. As I accept myself, I am accepting God’s will. As I know and love myself, I am knowing and loving God. As I nurture myself I am acting on God’s guidance.

I pray for the willingness to let go of my arrogant self-criticism, and to praise God by humbly accepting and caring for myself.

END OF QUOTE

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Cling to the Promise

Do not tell everyone your story.  You will only end up feeling more rejected.  People cannot give you what you long for in your heart.  The more you expect from people’s response to your experience of abandonment, the more you will feel exposed to ridicule.

You have to close yourself to the outside world so you can enter your own heart and the heart of God through your pain.  God will send to you the people with whom you can share your anguish, who can lead you closer to the true source of love.

God is faithful to God’s promises.  Before you die, you will find the acceptance and the love you crave.  It will not come in the way you expect.  It will not follow your needs and wishes.  But it will fill your heart and satisfy your deepest desire.  There is nothing to hold on to but this promise.  Everything else has been taken away from you.  Cling to that naked promise of faith.  Your faith will heal you.

(The Inner Voice of Love, page 4)

From the Daily Reflections of November 10;

Perhaps one of the greatest rewards of meditation and prayer is the sense of belonging that comes to us.   (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 105)

That’s what it is — belonging! After a session of meditation I knew that the feeling I was experiencing was a sense of belonging because I was so relaxed. I felt quieter inside, more willing to discard little irritations. I appreciated my sense of humor. What I also experience in my daily practice is the sheer pleasure of belonging to the creative flow of God’s world. How propitious for us that prayer and meditation are written right into our A.A. way of life.

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“If circumstances warrant, we ask our wives or friends to join us in morning meditation. If we belong to a religious denomination which requires a definite morning devotion, we attend to that also. If not members of religious bodies, we sometimes select and memorize a few set prayers which emphasize the principles we have been discussing. There are many helpful books also. Suggestions about these may be obtained from one’s priest, minister, or rabbi. Be quick to see where religious people are right. Make use of what they offer.”  (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 87).

I am reading a book by Henri J. M. Nouwen called the Inner Voice of Love.  It is a collection of spiritual imperatives he wrote during a particularly dark period of time in his life.  He sought seclusion, much the same as many of us have gone to treatment.  He had spiritual guides to help him work through his pain, much like many of us have had counselors and psychiatrists to aid in our recovery.  I find his words potent and they resonate powerfully.  He recommends that the reader use the book like a devotional.  In reading his words, I am a such a novice in comparison and what I provide would not be as helpful as his writings.  I will share some of these imperatives with you here while I am on the 11th step section of the Daily Reflections, and I highly recommend that you acquire a copy of the book.

Work around Your Abyss

There is a deep hole in your being, like an abyss.  You will never succeed in filling that hole, because your needs are inexhaustible.  You have to work around it so that gradually the abyss closes.

Since the hole is so enormous and your anguish so deep, you will always be tempted to flee from it.  There are two extremes to avoid:  being completely absorbed in your pain and being distracted by so many things that you stay far away from the wound you want to heal.

From the Daily Reflections of November 9;

But first of all we shall want sunlight; nothing much can grow in the dark. Meditation is our step out into the sun.   (As Bill Sees It, page 10)

Sometimes I think I don’t have time for prayer and meditation, forgetting that I always found the time to drink. It is possible to make time for anything I want to do if I want it badly enough. When I start the routine of prayer and meditation, it’s a good idea to plan to devote a small amount of time to it. I read a page from our Fellowship’s books in the morning, and say “Thank You, God,” when I go to bed at night. As prayer becomes a habit, I will increase the time spent on it, without even noticing the foray it makes into my busy day. If I have trouble praying, I just repeat the Lord’s Prayer because it really covers everything. Then I think of what I can be grateful for and say a word of thanks.

I don’t need to shut myself in a closet to pray. It can be done even in a room full of people. I just remove myself mentally for an instant. As the practice of prayer continues, I will find I don’t need words, for God can, and does, hear my thoughts through silence.

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I find the quote from “As Bill Sees It” amusing since I talked of finding comfort in the darkness for my meditation.  Now, I do seek casual communication throughout the day, with the practice of attending to that intuitive voice I credit to Gomu (God of my understanding).  After publishing Endigar 601, I came across a good article that I found synchronistic.  So I will publish it here to share with you;

Meditation is essential to my life. It wasn’t always that way.

I’ve flirted with meditation for years, starting at the age of 23. Living in San Francisco at the time, I was introduced to TM (otherwise know as Transcendental Meditation — yes, the one made famous by the Beatles). It scared me a little, because I didn’t understand how it worked. It seemed almost mystical. I’d read all the research and was impressed by the long list of incredible, positive things it was said to address, including anxiety and stress, while generally promoting tranquility in a hectic life.

The promise of all of that was intriguing, but it took me another three years before I went back and actually took a class. From that moment, I sensed something shifting, but my mind continued to resist. I was skeptical. How could meditation possibly do all of these things? Could it really be that easy?

Because I struggled with panic attacks and chronic anxiety, just picking up meditation here and there helped immensely, but only for short periods of time. Soon after feeling better, I would revert back to old behaviors. I found it difficult to sit still for 20 minutes consistently, twice a day. Sometimes the time flew by, and other times I couldn’t bear to sit in the silence, alone with my non-stop internal dialog. My thoughts lined up, one after the other, like planes on a runway at takeoff.

I lost patience in those moments, so meditation went back on the shelf, and I continued to flirt with it for the next 10 years. I brought it out only when I felt I needed it most. Each time I tried something new — a guided mediation, breathing meditation, TM or even walking meditation. They all made me feel grounded and calm, but I could never commit to a regular practice.

In the midst of creating my company and leaping into a new career, I finally got serious. I listened to my instinct and committed to my meditation practice. I have meditated almost everyday since. When I have missed a day here and there, I really notice the difference. I can feel something’s absent and I get right back to it the following day. Since I’m running a business, my schedule is so limited that if I have to choose between meditation or a workout, I choose meditation nine times out of 10.

I make this choice everyday because of the benefits I feel in my life through meditating. First and foremost, meditation calms me. It slows everything down. Whatever is going on in my life at that exact moment just stops. It allows me to breathe consciously and just Be. It doesn’t stop the thoughts, and it shouldn’t. They continue, but I witness them rather than react to them. I just allow them to float through my mind as I repeat my mantra. Sometimes the feeling I get can be deep, powerful, and spiritual, which offers great clarity. Other times, I feel refreshed, as if I took a quick power nap, but I always feel calm and grounded.

For me, becoming a meditator has been a deep learning process. It wasn’t something I picked up and loved immediately, even though I knew it was good for me. It took time and lots of patience with myself to get to this point. I have much more inner calm and an ability to trust myself. It’s helped me make choices to live my life in a way that’s right for me. Meditation is essential to my life.

I know that I will meditate for the rest of my life. In fact, I’ve decided to deepen my own practice by training to become a meditation teacher. I’m going in with no expectations, just an open mind to learn more about myself.

Meditation is a personal experience, and everyone’s path is different. I encourage you to stick with it, even if you want to give up. Remember it’s a practice. If you don’t get it on the first, second or even third try, it’s OK, don’t get too frustrated. It may mean you just haven’t found the type of meditation that works for you, and you need to experiment further. Like anything worthwhile in life, the benefits will develop over time.

Let go and trust yourself.

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SOURCE:  “What’s So Special About Meditation” by Julie Sacks

Image Source: Jordan Siemens via Getty Images