Daily Reprieve

From the Daily Reflections of February 24;

I try to hold fast to the truth that a full and thankful heart cannot entertain great conceits. When brimming with gratitude, one’s heartbeat must surely result in outgoing love, the finest emotion that we can ever know.  (As Bill Sees It, page 37).

My sponsor told me that I should be a grateful alcoholic and always have “an attitude of gratitude” — that gratitude was the basic ingredient of humility, that humility was the basic ingredient of anonymity and that “anonymity was the spiritual foundation of all our Traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities.” As a result of this guidance, I start every morning on my knees, thanking God for three things: I’m alive, I’m sober, and I’m a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. Then I try to live an “attitude of gratitude” and thoroughly enjoy another twenty-four hours of the A.A. way of life. A.A. is not something I joined; it’s something I live.

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My gratitude branches from relationships with my God, my others, and myself. Good relationships on all three fronts are possible because of my recovery from alcoholism through the 12 Steps of AA. These three points of connections are bells sitting side by side, and I cannot ring one without causing vibrations in the others. Yet, I am grateful that all three of my bells get rung, not just vibrated, and none are muffled with fear and shame.

From the Daily Reflections of February 23;

Such is the paradox of A.A. regeneration: strength arising out of complete defeat and weakness, the loss of one’s old life as a condition for finding a new one.  (AA Comes of Age, page 46).

What glorious mysteries paradoxes are! They do not compute, yet when recognized and accepted, they reaffirm something in the universe beyond human logic. When I face a fear, I am given courage; when I support a brother or sister, my capacity to love myself is increased; when I accept pain as part of the growing experience of life, I realize a greater happiness; when I look at my dark side, I am brought into new light; when I accept my vulnerabilities and surrender to a Higher Power, I am graced with unforeseen strength. I stumbled through the doors of A.A. in disgrace, expecting nothing from life, and I have been given hope and dignity. Miraculously, the only way to keep the gifts of the program is to pass them on.

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I remember in my teen-aged years discovering the existence of paradox. I was amazed at the power of this one grammatical concept that would escort me from the childhood world of absolutes to the esoteric chambers of depth in thought. I even love the structure of the word that begins in the smooth feel of para- like some elegant seductress and ends with the authoritative command of -dox, as a tyrant’s boot slamming onto the floor of a raised stage.

When I walk up to a paradox, the first light of my consciousness only reveals contradictions.

“What a pity that youth must be wasted on the young.” – George Bernard Shaw

“I can resist anything but temptation.”-Oscar Wilde

“Men work together whether they work together or apart.” – Robert Frost

Then I see the secret door they are guarding and I push past them and enter the room to discover a mind altering idea that demands meditation in order to absorb. “She is drowning in the fountain of eternal life.” I push past the horror of impending death and the security of immortality and find hidden away a meditation on obsession.

There are many paradoxes I have been introduced to in the rooms of AA, such as the reality that accepting powerlessness is the first step in becoming powerful. Or that you have to give it away to keep it. Then there is the paradoxical reality that my recovery is a selfish program, and that I must be rid of “this” selfishness or kills me. Most spiritual pursuits are littered with paradoxical roots and the 12 Steps are no different. There is always more depth to discover as I meditate on the mysterious paradoxes of my own recovery.

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From the Daily Reflections of February 22;

. . . this means a belief in a Creator who is all power, justice, and love; a God who intends for me a purpose, a meaning, and a destiny to grow, however . . .haltingly, toward His own likeness and image. (As Bill Sees It, page 51).

As I began to understand my own powerlessness and my dependence on God, as I understand Him, I began to see that there was a life which, if I could have it, I would have chosen for myself from the beginning. It is through the continuing work of the Steps and the life in the Fellowship that I’ve learned to see that there is truly a better way into which I am being guided. As I come to know more about God, I am able to trust His ways and His plans for the development of His character in me. Quickly or not so quickly, I grow toward His own image and likeness.

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Knowing God has generally been a tall order for me. I have greatly desired it but God seems to speak quietly while I listen loudly. For me He is energy in all its forms, and I am one of those forms. This undiscovered and thus still invisible energy is all pervading and continuously connective. My finite mind looks out into this boundless entity and pins abstract notions of connection such as justice and love and power on the Spirit’s kiss in my life. My knowledge of this Intimate Everything is peculiar to my created form and expression. My life is God-breath and my awareness of this reality is an ongoing process. Seeking sobriety was a major milestone in that journey, yet it is so much more than that. May our Higher Power, in its various forms, guide us all.

From the Daily Reflections of February 21;

At once, I became a part — if only a tiny part — of a cosmos. . . . (As Bill Sees It, page 225).

When I first came to A.A., I decided that “they” were very nice people — perhaps a little naive, a little too friendly, but basically decent, earnest people (with whom I had nothing in common). I saw “them” at meetings — after all, that was where “they” existed. I shook hands with “them” and, when I went out the door, I forgot about “them.”

Then one day my Higher Power, whom I did not then believe in, arranged to create a community project outside of A.A., but one which happened to involve many A.A. members. We worked together, I got to know “them” as people. I came to admire “them,” even to like “them” and, in spite of myself, to enjoy “them.” “Their” practice of the program in their daily lives — not just in talk at meetings — attracted me and I wanted what they had. Suddenly the “they” became “we.” I have not had a drink since.

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To be honest this feeling of seeing others in the program as a “we” instead of a “them,” is an off and on experience for me. Sometimes I have moments, even periods of time, where I feel true unity with others in the Fellowship. I know how important connection is in overcoming that deadly brand of selfishness that festers in isolation. So I do my best to keep making meetings, keep making small talk, keep calling my sponsor and others in the network. This is something I desire and need, but is also something that is very difficult for me to achieve in the face of my recurrent social anxiety. The more face to face time I can embrace in this program of recovery the more my life becomes stronger in the group.

From the Daily Reflections of February 20;

At this juncture, his A.A. sponsor usually laughs.  (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 26).

Before my recovery from alcoholism began, laughter was one of the most painful sounds I knew. I never laughed and I felt that anyone else’s laughter was directed at me! My self-pity and anger denied me the simplest of pleasures or lightness of heart. By the end of my drinking not even alcohol could provoke a drunken giggle in me.

When my A.A. sponsor began to laugh and point out my self-pity and ego-feeding deceptions, I was annoyed and hurt, but it taught me to lighten up and focus on my recovery. I soon learned to laugh at myself and eventually I taught those I sponsor to laugh also. Every day I ask God to help me stop taking myself too seriously.

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Laughter is a way of connecting. Apparently our brains respond to true laughter with a shot of dopamine as a reward for making human connections, which has been a big part of our evolutionary success.

“Dopamine is a neurotransmitter that helps control the brain’s reward and pleasure centers. Dopamine also helps regulate movement and emotional responses, and it enables us not only to see rewards, but to take action to move toward them.” (Psychology Today).

I know that there are social connections that help ensure my survival, strengthen my durability, and point me toward prosperity. The gatherings that help me stay sober are the ones I want to be a safe haven for the dopamine trigger of laughter. Taking myself too seriously will make my brain believe it must hide, and I do not need that fearful isolation. I have often been given AA’s Rule 62 when I am falling prey to morbid self-reflection; “Don’t take yourself too damn seriously.”

From the Daily Reflections of February 19;

In the beginning, it was four whole years before A.A. brought permanent sobriety to even one alcoholic woman. Like the “high bottoms,” the women said they were different; . . . The Skid-Rower said he was different . . . so did the artists and the professional people, the rich, the poor, the religious, the agnostic, the Indians and the Eskimos, the veterans, and the prisoners. . . . nowadays all of these, and legions more, soberly talk about how very much alike all of us alcoholics are when we admit that the chips are finally down.  (As Bill Sees It, page 24).

I cannot consider myself “different” in A. A.; if I do I isolate myself from others and from contact with my Higher Power. If I feel isolated in A.A., it is not something for which others are responsible. It is something I’ve created by feeling I’m “different” in some way. Today I practice being just another alcoholic in the worldwide Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous.

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I did not like the idea of being one among many cattle to be processed through with the herd. It felt like a way of being dismissed as an individual, and that is something I have resisted both in virtue and in vice. Yet the result would often be my own dismissal of life giving connections and direction when I insisted that my disease required it’s own special vaccine. The way I live my spiritual life may be unique, but the way I destroy myself is a common human affliction. Addictions of various forms, but most certainly alcoholism, has ripped through the fabric of mankind’s historic move from survival to dominance on planet Earth. My individuality did not create it. So both the power of  the disease and the development of its solution come from the group. When a predator of any form wants to consume the flesh from my bones, it is good to embrace strength in numbers and become one among many.

From the Daily Reflections of February 18;

. . . there was nothing left for us but to pick up the simple kit of spiritual tools laid at our feet.  (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 25).

My first attempt at the Steps was one of obligation and necessity, which resulted in a deep feeling of discouragement in the face of all those adverbs: courageously; completely; humbly; directly; and only. I considered Bill W. fortunate to have gone through such a major, even sensational, spiritual experience. I had to discover, as time went on, that my path was my own. After a few twenty-four hours in the A.A. Fellowship, thanks especially to the sharing of members in the meetings, I understood that everyone gradually finds his or her own pace in moving through the Steps. Through progressive means, I try to live according to these suggested principles. As a result of these Steps, I can say today that my attitude towards life, people, and towards anything having to do with God, has been transformed and improved.

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I am persuaded that an instantaneous spiritual experience is not the property of the individual who encounters it. That experience belongs to a community and the individual provides an injection of inspiration and guidance for them. I believe this is why such experiences are far less common than the demand for work toward spiritual progress. My Higher Power seems to value my individual work rather than obtaining a perfect supernatural experience. We see a burning bush and exclaim, “miracle!” The God of my understanding sees a burning heart and replies, “No, that is the miracle.”

From the Daily Reflections of February 17;

Some of us won’t believe in God, others can’t, and still others who do believe that God exists have no faith whatever He will perform this miracle.  (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 25).

It was the changes I saw in the new people who came into the Fellowship that helped me lose my fear, and change my negative attitude to a positive one. I could see the love in their eyes and I was impressed by how much their “One Day at a Time” sobriety meant to them. They had looked squarely at Step Two and came to believe that a power greater than themselves was restoring them to sanity. That gave me faith in the Fellowship, and hope that it could work for me too. I found that God was a loving God, not that punishing God I feared before coming to A.A. I also found that He had been with me during all those times I had been in trouble before I came to A.A. I know today that He was the one who led me to A.A. and that I am a miracle.

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The key for me to see this kind of  magic is continuous connection, particularly in the beginning. If I start finding reasons not to be present, either in body or in mind, I am living on fading memories of recovery miracles. If I keep coming back on a regular basis, I know and am known by the members of my most essential tribe. The flow of life is the fast flipping of many snapshots and inconsistency leaves confusing gaps to overcome.

Science embraces empirical knowledge. Philosophy braves the study of abstract knowledge. Faith is a deep knowing based on accumulated unexplainables and fulfilled improbabilities. That is how I look at it. The GOMU (God of my understanding) has given me a path to encounter one another. I just have to commit to stepping it out, one day at a time.

From the Daily Reflections of February 16;

Understanding is the key to right principles and attitudes, and right action is the key to good living.  (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 125)

There came a time in my program of recovery when the third stanza of the Serenity Prayer — “The wisdom to know the difference” — became indelibly imprinted in my mind. From that time on, I had to face the ever-present knowledge that my every action, word and thought was within, or outside, the principles of the program. I could no longer hide behind self-rationalization, nor behind the insanity of my disease. The only course open to me, if I was to attain a joyous life for myself (and subsequently for those I love), was one in which I imposed on myself an effort of commitment, discipline, and responsibility.

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The citing from the 12 & 12 in this Daily Reflection comes from the last paragraph on the Steps, and I will quote that here to gain some helpful context:

These little studies of A.A.’s Twelve Steps now come to a close. We have been considering so many problems that it may appear that A.A. consists mainly of racking dilemmas and troubleshooting. To a certain extent, that is true. We have been talking about problems because we are problem people who have found a way up and out, and who wish to share our knowledge of that way with all who can use it. For it is only by accepting and solving our problems that we can begin to get right with ourselves and with the world about us, and with Him who presides over us all. Understanding is the key to right principles and attitudes, and right action is the key to good living; therefore the joy of good living is the theme of A.A.’s Twelfth Step. (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 125).

So this understanding comes from the quest to accept and solve our problems. Right principles, attitudes, and actions come from getting right with ourselves, others, and our Higher Power. It all begins with accepting the full knowledge and reality of that which robs me of power to the point of not being able to manage my day to day living. That is the First Step that leads me to the realization of good living from the Twelfth. So I continue my quest. I truly hope you will, as well.

From the Daily Reflections of February 15;

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us — sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.  (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 84).

One of the most important things A.A. has given me, in addition to freedom from booze, is the ability to take “right action.” It says the promises will always materialize if I work for them. Fantasizing about them, debating them, preaching about them and faking them just won’t work. I’ll remain a miserable, rationalizing dry drunk. By taking action and working the Twelve Steps in all my affairs, I’ll have a life beyond my wildest dreams.

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It is not extravagant to believe that my Higher Power will honor and empower my work in recovery. The Gomu (God of my understanding) that has the power to overcome my alcoholic addiction and does so, is motivated by a specific loving interest in seeing my dreams fulfilled. If I invest myself in this reality, my life is guided by daily work in spiritual inspiration. It is a good life and I am grateful for it.