Archive for May, 2022

Endigar 854

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on May 29, 2022 by endigar

From Courage to Change of April 23:

When I came to Al-Anon I didn’t feel. When I lost a job, I said, “No Problem. I can take it.” When we had a child, I said, “No big deal, it’s just another day.” Nothing moved me at all. It was like being dead.

My Al-Anon friends assured me that I did have feelings, but I had lost touch with them through years of living with alcoholism and denying every hint of anger, joy, or sorrow. As I began to recover, I began to feel, and it was very confusing. For a while I thought I might be getting sicker than ever because the feelings were so uncomfortable, but my Al-Anon friends assured me that this was just part of the process. I was ready to experience feelings, and the discomfort did pass. Slowly I became more whole.

As long as I kept them trapped inside me, my feelings were painful and poisonous secrets. When I let them out, they became expressions of my vitality.

Today’s Reminder

Today I will stop from time to time to see how I feel. Perhaps the day will bring joy or perhaps sadness, but either will remind me that I am very much alive.

“I would not exchange the laughter of my heart for the fortunes of the multitudes; nor would I be content with converting my tears…into calm. It is my fervent hope that my whole life on this earth will ever be tears and laughter.”

by Kahil Gibran

END OF QUOTE—————————————

My daughter and I went to see the movie “Inside Out” which put forth the idea that emotions have differing purposes

I have discovered that emotions are my greatest servants or my most tyrannical masters, depending on how I process them. Do I react or do I respond? Lacking the skill to safely manage my feelings, I made their appearance a secret experience. I was encased in an icon built to navigate the trip wires of my family life. Eventually my emotions would explode beyond all my efforts to suppress, and I would react out of proportion to the situation I was experiencing. This only confirmed to me that emotional expression was humiliating and dangerous.

In the pragmatic morality of the 12 Steps, I learned to use my cluster of sad feelings to seek connection with my Higher Power and to productively introspect. I learned to use my angry cluster to recognize a need for change and develop a plan in the counsel of those invested in my welfare, the Al-Anon family group. I began learning how to use my happy cluster to develop valuable human connections. During emergency situations I saw that it was good to temporarily disengage my emotional intensity to resolve the danger. Yet I had come to understand that the disassociation was meant for an event and not a lifestyle. I keep coming back to the Al-Anon fellowship to practice my newfound skills.

Endigar 853

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on May 1, 2022 by endigar

From Courage to Change of April 22:

At first, the idea of searching for defects of character, wrongs, shortcomings, and harm I have done can seem like just another excuse to be hard on myself. That’s why it’s so important to concentrate on the first three Steps long enough to develop a strong spiritual foundation.

In these early Steps, we admit the areas over which we are powerless—such as alcoholism and other people—and learn that a Power greater than ourselves has no such limitations. We decide to place our will and our life in the hands of this Higher Power. We let go of burdens that were never ours to carry. And we begin to treat ourselves more kindly and more realistically.

When we move on to later Steps, we do so for our well-being. We begin a process that is immensely rewarding, and we go forward under the guidance of a Higher Power. This enables us to be much more gentle with our recovery.

Today’s Reminder

The first three Steps are the cornerstone on which my progress is built. No matter how long I have been in this program, I won’t hesitate to touch base with the foundation of my spiritual health.

“I now have a goal I can see clearly and the program with which to work toward it. It is my guide to self-improvement, comfort, and a better way of life.” ~ The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage

END OF QUOTE—————————————

Taken from KIN Fables – The Stolen Child

When I worked the first three steps, I recognized that a lack of power was a problem that I could not overcome. I recognized that trying to do so had caused me to nurture a disassociation from reality. I had godlike expectations of myself that had driven me into a desperate insanity.

I was introduced to a pragmatic morality and a non-religious construct. Was it a God with no limitations? No. There is far too much unaddressed pain and suffering to believe in such a psychopathic deity. Agnostus Theos. The Unknown God. The Mystery. I have seen patterns of rescue that refuse to violate my own free will.

Whatever I was introduced to wants an individual and interactive relationship with me. If I get guidance, I follow it. If I don’t, I return to the pragmatic morality and remain open. The trust of Step Three is built on the work I do while leaving the ultimate results to the Shrouded One.

NOTE FOR CLARIFICATION’S SAKE: I do not believe that God is a psychopath. It is the concept of taking the 3rd Step surrender because “God is not limited.” That is an unrealistic expectation that sets me up for failure in my relationship with the Higher Power. Miracles are not relevant until they happen, and the Higher Power regularly chooses not to act. I am happy to see a magical intervention, but I do not expect it. The greatest miracles I witness are usually a secret between myself and the God of my understanding.