Endigar 854
From Courage to Change of April 23:
When I came to Al-Anon I didn’t feel. When I lost a job, I said, “No Problem. I can take it.” When we had a child, I said, “No big deal, it’s just another day.” Nothing moved me at all. It was like being dead.
My Al-Anon friends assured me that I did have feelings, but I had lost touch with them through years of living with alcoholism and denying every hint of anger, joy, or sorrow. As I began to recover, I began to feel, and it was very confusing. For a while I thought I might be getting sicker than ever because the feelings were so uncomfortable, but my Al-Anon friends assured me that this was just part of the process. I was ready to experience feelings, and the discomfort did pass. Slowly I became more whole.
As long as I kept them trapped inside me, my feelings were painful and poisonous secrets. When I let them out, they became expressions of my vitality.
Today’s Reminder
Today I will stop from time to time to see how I feel. Perhaps the day will bring joy or perhaps sadness, but either will remind me that I am very much alive.
“I would not exchange the laughter of my heart for the fortunes of the multitudes; nor would I be content with converting my tears…into calm. It is my fervent hope that my whole life on this earth will ever be tears and laughter.”
by Kahil Gibran
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I have discovered that emotions are my greatest servants or my most tyrannical masters, depending on how I process them. Do I react or do I respond? Lacking the skill to safely manage my feelings, I made their appearance a secret experience. I was encased in an icon built to navigate the trip wires of my family life. Eventually my emotions would explode beyond all my efforts to suppress, and I would react out of proportion to the situation I was experiencing. This only confirmed to me that emotional expression was humiliating and dangerous.
In the pragmatic morality of the 12 Steps, I learned to use my cluster of sad feelings to seek connection with my Higher Power and to productively introspect. I learned to use my angry cluster to recognize a need for change and develop a plan in the counsel of those invested in my welfare, the Al-Anon family group. I began learning how to use my happy cluster to develop valuable human connections. During emergency situations I saw that it was good to temporarily disengage my emotional intensity to resolve the danger. Yet I had come to understand that the disassociation was meant for an event and not a lifestyle. I keep coming back to the Al-Anon fellowship to practice my newfound skills.
Daily Reprieve 
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