Daily Reprieve

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

Fear . . . of economic insecurity will leave us.  (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 84)

Having fear reduced or eliminated and having economic circumstances improve, are two different things.  When I was new in A.A., I had those two ideas confused. I thought fear would leave me only when I started making money. However, another line from the Big Book jumped off the page one day when I was chewing on my financial difficulties:  “For us, material well-being always followed spiritual progress; it never preceded.” (p. 127). I suddenly understood that this promise was a guarantee. I saw that it put priorities in the correct order, that spiritual progress would diminish that terrible fear of being destitute, just as it diminished many other fears.

Today I try to use the talents God gave me to benefit others. I’ve found that is what others valued all along. I try to remember that I no longer work for myself. I only get the use of the wealth God created, I never have “owned” it.  My life’s purpose is much clearer when I just work to help, not to possess.

END OF QUOTE

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I have struggled with this meditation during the course of the day. I agree almost completely with the words of the contributor. What then can I add? I will just reveal my own meanderings.

Is material well-being a sure sign of spiritual progress? Is it possible to have material strength and yet not have any real spiritual development? Is it possible to have great spiritual fortitude but be just this side of poverty? I am not sure.

What I have to take away from this meditation is that spiritual progress is the primary goal, and the pursuit of financial well-being cannot be a distraction from that destination. I cannot use it as an excuse to disregard my spiritual growth in recovery without risking a return to the hell of my alcoholic addiction.

I do value the magic of communicating with a Higher Power and experiencing life-giving transformation over the science of obtaining money. I am not sure that I have a good mind about the correlation between my spiritual and financial life. I remain open to a world in which I am greatly prospered in both the visible and invisible realms.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

Love and tolerance of others is our code.  (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 84)

I have found that I have to forgive others in all situations to maintain any real spiritual progress.  The vital importance of forgiving may not be obvious to me at first sight, but my studies tell me that every great spiritual teacher has insisted strongly upon it.

I must forgive injuries, not just in words, or as a matter of form, but in my heart.  I do this not for the other person’ sake, but for my own sake.  Resentment, anger, or a desire to see someone punished, are things that rot my soul.  Such things fasten my troubles to me with chains.  They tie me to other problems that have nothing to do with my original problem.

END OF QUOTE

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My fourth step work revealed to me a laundry list of grievances, real and imagined.  Once they were brought out into the open, I had a choice to continue using them to attempt an execution of personal vengeance and maintain an internal fortress against any possible future vulnerabilities, or to turn my energy toward self-transformation and empowerment.

In order to follow the path of vengeance, I must experience life-threatening levels of anger and resentment.  These emotions are radioactive to an alcoholic and prolonged exposure will kill me.  Another problem for me is that I have a limited amount of interactive memory to face each day’s challenges.  Consuming head-space to rehearse grievances and plots of revenge lead me toward an isolated and distrustful approach to life.  Another reality I have to face if I embrace my resentment is the doubled-edged sword of justice.  If I raise it to cut my offender, it cuts into my life to hold me accountable to the standard of its merciless blade.  No one survives under the microscope.  The probable outcome is that I will become the thing I hate and live with an internal environment of perfectionism.  The fortress I build quickly becomes a prison.  Cherishing my grievances also demands that I maintain a victim’s self image.  I must remember over and over an event were I was powerless.  I must fight to make sure that I am never powerless again.  What affect does a continuous meditation on my times and possibilities of powerlessness achieve accept to establish me as a pathetic and perpetual victim.   Finally, my personal crusade of vengeance often breeds more grievances creating a profound sense of futility.  I become a weary keeper of a zoo filled with snarling, angry resentment-beasts that must be fed and sheltered.

The fourth step offers another possibility.  Gomu (God of my understanding) says to me through the AA recovery process that I can achieve real vindication by becoming a more powerful expression of myself.  This work of self-vindication is mutually exclusive to schemes of vengeance because you have to let go of the victim card.  I have found that the magic of the moral inventory is the ability to pinpoint areas in my life, my shortcomings, that make me vulnerable to a repeat performance of victimization from myself or others, real or imagined, and turn them into sources of personal empowerment.

Today, I am far more interested in the work of transforming my life and achieving validation rather than vengeance.  The goal of the recovery process is not simply to bring our alcoholism into remission, but to bring our lives into the spiritual awakening of sobriety.  The primary demonstration of such a transformation is the freedom to exercise love and tolerance.  For me, forgiveness is a major step in that empowerment.  

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

It has been well said that “almost the only scoffers at prayer are those who never tried it enough.”   (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 97)

Having grown up in an agnostic household, I felt somewhat foolish when I first tried praying.  I know there was a Higher Power working in my life – how else was I staying sober? – but I certainly wasn’t convinced he/she/it wanted to hear my prayers. People who had what I wanted said prayer was an important part of practicing the program, so I persevered. With a commitment to daily prayer, I was comfortable with my place in the world.  In other words, life became easier and less of a struggle. I’m still not sure who, or what, listens to my prayers, but I’d never stop saying them for the simple reason that they work.

END OF QUOTE

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I have five types of prayer that I have developed in my recovered faith.

Ritual Prayer.  I know that I am supposed to pray in recovery and that it is a big part of Step 11.  I seek to create a habit with a specific time, a discipline, that will honor the importance of prayer even when I do not feel like doing it. Unfortunately, my disciplines have a shelf life of approximately two weeks. So, I often have to go through a process of self-persuasion to get back on track.  Gratitude lists are helpful, because I forget the important and fall into old ways of reacting to the “urgent.”  When I use this prayer, it works.

This brings me to the second type of prayer.

Panic Prayer.  When I stop being proactive in my recovery, and wait until the pain finds me, I remember my Great Source and dial in a 911 prayer. I never feel judged or rejected in this scenario. I have to fight old religious shame and remember the care and love of my Higher Power. So, when I use this prayer, it works.

Relationship Prayer.  This is my favorite. I just talk to and practice listening for Gomu (God of my understanding). I learn the most during this time and feel the comfort of a continual, loving presence.  Fear and shame melt away. My intuitive skills grow. The only time that I am blocked from this prayer is when my anxiety blindsides me and then I realize that Fear also has a voice, and my intuitive skills hear it screaming in my ear. This is why I need serenity in my life, and I import this quality by developing meditation.  I need it to stay connected to my Higher Power. When I am connected, this prayer definitely works.

Service Prayer.  When I am feeling powerlessness settle over me, I ask for ways to serve, and the will to fulfill whatever opportunities come to me. I use my support network to attempt to filter out isolating ego.  I want to help others not because I am cured and have THE ANSWER, but because we are all in this together. Our service should strengthen our connections, not exalt my rule over the fellowship. I seek only to fulfill the tasks given to me in prayer; nothing more and nothing less. This develops a connective, healing power in my life. When I use this type of prayer, it works.

Lost Child Prayer.  Sometimes I find myself lost in a chaos storm. Nothing makes sense and I seem to easily forget all that I have learned.  I may have relapsed, but that is not always the case. My intuitive senses are darkened. I may be afraid, or I may just feel numb. No matter who I talk to, I cannot retain their comfort or wisdom.  I do not know why I get like this sometimes, but I do. In the mire of my spiritual disorientation, I reach out calling for Gomu.  I believe this is why I “keep coming back” in the face of multiple relapses. I just keep reaching for whatever help I can get to.  So far, this prayer has always eventually worked.

I hope this is helpful. I do care. More importantly, I know Gomu cares, and we are all in this together. I believe this is why prayer works.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

The more we become willing to depend upon a Higher Power, the more independent we actually are.  (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 36)

I start with a little willingness to trust God and He causes that willingness to grow. The more willingness I have, the more trust I gain, and the more trust I gain, the more willingness I have. My dependence on God grows as my trust in Him grows. Before I became willing, I depended on myself for all my needs and I was restricted by my incompleteness. Through my willingness to depend upon my Higher Power, whom I choose to call God, all my needs are provided for by Someone Who knows me better than I know myself – even the needs I may not realize, as well as the ones yet to come. Only Someone Who knows me that well could bring me to be myself and to help me fill the need in someone else that only I am meant to fill.  There never will be another exactly like me. And that is real independence.

END OF QUOTE

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Reality Check:

As a human being, I am dependent upon the maintenance of an oxygen-filled environment to live. I am dependent on my government to provide me with an infrastructure and protection. I am dependent on my body so that I can interact and achieve shelter in my environment. I am dependent upon the Captains of Industry to maintain an environment rich in technology and economic security.

I was also dependent on alcohol to feel normal, to squelch emotions I did not know how to process, and to create an environment based on an illusion of strength. That was a false independence.

Heart check:

I like the work “Independence.” It feels like privacy and power. It seems strong with self-reliance.  It looks like rugged individualism on the screen of my imagination. Independence Day celebrates the victory of a great war and the rejection of a mighty monarch. Who does not want to be wrapped with this mantel of social achievement.

The word “dependence” conjures visions of a baby breastfeeding, an ill patient struggling in a hospital room, or a severally retarded young man being escorted and cared for, drool being wiped away from his chin.  It feels like weakness and a loss of dignity. This is not the relationship I desire to build with my Higher Power.

My Take-Away:

All human souls contain pockets of dependency and unique manifestations of independence.

In recovery, I have decided to take my vulnerability of dependency and trust it to Gomu (God of my understanding), who seems to care deeply about my life. In this safe place, I can manifest my true individuality and live out the resulting independence. Powerlessness is a fading problem as the protective umbrella of God promotes my own personal Independence Day celebration.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

. . . out of every season of grief or suffering, when the hand of God seemed heavy or even unjust, new lessons for living were learned, new resources of courage were uncovered, and that finally, inescapably, the conviction came that God does “move in a mysterious way His wonders to perform.”  (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 105)

After losing my career, family and health, I remained unconvinced that my way of life needed a second look. My drinking and other drug use were killing me, but I had never met a recovering person or an A.A. member. I thought I was destined to die alone and that I deserved it. At the peak of my despair, my infant son became critically ill with a rare disease. Doctors’ efforts to help him proved useless. I redoubled my efforts to block my feelings, but now the alcohol had stopped working.  I was left starting into God’s eyes, begging for help. My introduction to A.A. came within days, through an odd series of coincidences, and I have remained sober ever since. My son lived and his disease is in remission. The entire episode convinced me of my powerlessness and the unmanageability of my life.  Today my son and I thank God for His intervention.

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The sin concept of any human weakness, such as self-destructive chemical dependency, has manufactured a culture of shame and revealed God as an entity always waiting for an opportunity to judge and punish humanity. In our day to day lives, he is a grumpy, detached deity barely tolerate of our lives. He is either ignoring or condemning us because we are steeped in sin.

Bill W. and Dr. Silkworth passed on to this fellowship another beautiful heresy by replacing the pathological concept of sin with the more accurate and hopeful disease model. Alcoholism is a disease, and not a first class ticket to damnation. The resulting calamities of this disease are the result of a progressive, chronic, and if untreated, terminal addiction. Now we can dispense with the ridiculous social control shaming popular in churchianity, and use specific guilt to identify the structure of our disease and begin the healing process of our lives. Shame never ends, but guilt can be addressed and satisfied.

What is funny to me is that the contributor of today’s daily reflection seemed to miss that his God was presenting the truth of the disease model to him in the situation of his afflicted son. The contributor said that he felt he was “destined to die alone and that he deserved it.” He was living in the shame of the sin-concept culture. In the midst of his alcoholism, did the contributor still love his son even though the child was weak enough to acquire a rare disease? Yes. Should his son be destined to die alone? Absolutely not. Did his son deserve condemnation for allowing the affliction to consume him? Of course not. As self-loathing as this alcoholic contributor was, he was willing to face the eyes of his indignant and condemning God, if only he could save his son’s life. I think God was trying to show him that he is a loving and concerned Father and not the iconic psychopathic Judge promoted by churchianity who is willing to send a majority of His created children into the damnation of an eternal hell.

Mysterious Ways is code for Saving Heresies.

From Today’s Daily Reflection;

My friend suggested what then seemed a novel idea . . . “Why don’t you choose your own conception of God?”  That statement hit me hard.  It melted the icy intellectual mountain in whose shadow I had lived and shivered many years.  I stood in the sunlight at last.  It was only a matter of being willing to believe in a Power greater than myself.  Nothing more was required of me to make my beginning.  (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 12)

I remember the times I looked up into the sky and reflected on who started it all, and how.  When I came to A.A., an understanding of some description of the spiritual dimension became a necessary adjunct to a stable sobriety.  After reading a variety of versions, including the scientific, of a great explosion, I went for simplicity and made the God of my understanding the Great Power that made the explosion possible.  With the vastness of the universe under His command, He would, no doubt, be able to guide my thinking and actions if I was prepared to accept His guidance.  But I could not expect help if I turned my back on that help and went my own way.  I became willing to believe and I have had 26 years of stable and satisfying sobriety.

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The prospect of choosing my own concept of God was heretical to my previous way of thinking.  I was religious and there were certain fundamental doctrines that directed my concept of God.  Much like alcohol, my confined religious system supporting my isolated ego would turn on me like a boomerang and cut me to shreds.  I lost my faith in God.  I wanted to believe, but no longer had the ability to do so.  I was in spiritual grief, mourning the death of God.

This beautiful heresy was absolutely critical to my recovery.  I am no longer a churchian.  I have a new relationship with Gomu (God of my understanding).  It is a much more simple and loving union for my spirit.  This is not a judgment against my fellow humans who find their God in the various churches and temples on planet Earth.  If that works to empower you, to free you, to manifest the true you, then so be it.  Amen to you and your concept of God.

I have an idea that Jesus Christ is a real entity who was designated to reveal a way for mortal humans to become embryonic gods and goddesses.  I have another idea that there was a Roman conspiracy to hijack the spirituality of his teachings to better control slaves and conquer opposing cultures.  “In hoc signo vinces.”  This idea follows a logical conclusion that centralized religion carries on this legacy of social oppression and obscures the magic of the Messianic teachings.  I reject the notion that all human beings are to be converted to this centralized religion that I now call churchianity.  I use that term to differ church-going from the actual non-religious and magical teachings of Jesus.  From what I have read in scriptures, there are certain individuals who are chosen and become a member of the “elect.”  Those who are members of the elect will be drawn to the Messiah and His teachings.  The goal is to overcome mortal humanity, not to spread an “us and them” religion.  Although I cannot escape the reality that I am a part of the elect, I reject the Greek concept of an eternal hell for those who chose a different path.  In fact, it excites me to see the rise of the Individual.  I reject the cross and embrace the empty tomb.

Bill W. brought forth several tenants from the Oxford movement that he saw as effective, and discarded those tenants that acted only to suffocate his fellow sufferers in a mire of religious doctrine.  I seek to do the same in my rekindled spirituality.

From Today’s Daily Reflection;

When we saw others solve their problems by a simple reliance upon the Spirit of the Universe, we had to stop doubting the power of God.  Our ideas did not work.  But the God idea did.  (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 52)

Like a blind man gradually being restored to sight, I slowly groped my way to the Third Step.  Having realized that only a Power greater than myself could rescue me from the hopeless abyss I was in, I knew that this was a Power that I had to grasp, and that it would be my anchor in the midst of a sea of woes.  Even though my faith at that time was minuscule, it was big enough to make me see that it it was time for me to discard my reliance on my prideful ego and replace it with the steadying strength that could only come from a Power far greater than myself.

END OF QUOTE

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I am acquainted with three levels of “knowing” something.  There is empirical knowledge that comes from exploration and experimentation in my environment.  I touch a hot stove, burn my fingers and empirically learn a fact to be remembered.  There is abstract knowledge that is understood more by the power of imagination and reinforced by communal trust. Knowing what love, justice, or existentialism is, would be abstract knowledge.   And finally, there is a spiritually intuitive knowing that we call faith.   The above writer was able to realize, know, and see because of the development of what he said was a minuscule faith.

Today’s Daily Reflection:

He is the Father, and we are His children.  Most good ideas are simple, and this concept was the keystone of the new and triumphant arch through which we passed to freedom.  (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 62)

A keystone is the wedge-shaped piece at the highest part of an arch that locks the other pieces in place.  The “other pieces” are Steps One, Two, and Four through Twelve.  In one sense this sounds like Step three is the most important Step, that the other eleven depend on the third for support.  In reality however, Step Three is just one of twelve.  It is the keystone, but without eleven other stones to build the base and arms, keystone or not, there will be no arch.  Through daily working of all Twelve Steps, I find that triumphant arch waiting for me to pass through to another day of freedom.

END OF QUOTE

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Throughout the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, Bill W. made a number of construction references which eventually lead to the building of an archway.  The archway to freedom is complete after finishing the fifth step.

The Bedrock: We perceive that only through utter defeat are we able to take our first steps toward liberation and strength. Our admissions of personal powerlessness finally turn out to be firm bedrock upon which happy and purposeful lives may be built. (Twelve & Twelve, 21:3)

The Foundation: It was only a matter of being willing to believe in a Power greater than myself. Nothing more was required of me to make my beginning. I saw that growth could start from that point. Upon a foundation of complete willingness I might build what I saw in my friend. Would I have it? Of course I would! (BB 12:4)

The Cement: The feeling of having shared in a common peril is one element in the powerful cement which binds us. But that in itself would never have held us together as we are now joined.The tremendous fact for every one of us is that we have discovered a common solution. We have a way out on which we can absolutely agree, and upon which we can join in brotherly and harmonious action. This is the great news this book carries to those who suffer from alcoholism. (BB 17:2, 17:3)

The Cornerstone: We needed to ask ourselves but one short question. Do I now believe, or am I even willing to believe, that there is a Power greater than myself?” As soon as a man can say that he does believe, or is willing to believe, we emphatically assure him that he is on his way. It has been repeatedly proven among us that upon this simple cornerstone a wonderfully effective spiritual structure can be built. (BB 47:2)

The Keystone: This is the how and why of it. First of all, we had to quit playing God. It didn’t work. Next, we decided that hereafter in this drama of life, God was going to be our Director. He is the Principal; we are his agents. He is the Father, and we are His children. Most good ideas are simple, and this concept was the keystone of the new and triumphant arch through which we passed to freedom. (BB 62:3)

The Foundation Stone: Helping others is the foundation stone of your recovery. A kindly act once in a while isn’t enough. You have to act the Good Samaritan every day, if need be. (BB 97:1)

The Path to Freedom: Taking this book down from our shelf we turn to the page which contains the twelve steps. Carefully reading the first five proposals we ask if we have omitted anything, for we are building an arch through which we shall walk a free man at last. Is our work solid so far? Are the stones properly in place? Have we skimped on the cement put into the foundation? Have we tried to make mortar without sand? (BB 75:3)

SOURCE [http://friendsofbillw.net/the_triumphant_arch]

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The goal is freedom.  Negative freedom is freedom from something, like never having to drink again.   Positive freedom is freedom to do or be something, like being true to myself and expressing the best me.  Based on the concept of “One Day at a Time,” and “Daily Reprieve,” it seems to me that my triumphant archway must be rebuilt daily.  In the beginning it opens the way of freedom from the hell of active addiction.  As I continue on, it becomes a way out of the purgatory of abstinence into the manifestation of sobriety.  I awake each day with a better knowledge and more efficient skill on the construction of my triumphant archway.  Every day presents a challenge to build and rebuild a more powerful portal to an enlarged spiritual life of absolute freedom.

We have entered the world of the Spirit.  Our next function is to grow in understanding and effectiveness.  This is not an overnight matter.  It should continue for our lifetime.  (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 84)

From Today’s Daily Reflection;

We have entered the world of the Spirit.  Our next function is to grow in understanding and effectiveness.  This is not an overnight matter.  It should continue for our lifetime.  (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 84)

The word “entered” . . . and the phrase “entered into the world of the Spirit” are very significant.  They imply action, a beginning, getting into, a prerequisite to maintaining my spiritual growth, the “Spirit” being the immaterial part of me.  Barriers to my spiritual growth are self-centeredness and a materialistic focus on worldly things.  Spirituality means devotion to spiritual instead of worldly things, it means obedience to God’s will for me.  I understand spiritual things to be:  unconditional love, joy, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, self-control and humility.  Any time I allow selfishness, dishonesty, resentment and fear to be a part of me, I block out spiritual things.  As I maintain my sobriety, growing spiritually becomes a lifelong process.  My goal is spiritual growth, accepting that I’ll never have spiritual perfection.

END OF QUOTE

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I believe it is important not to lose sight of the magical descriptions of sobriety.  The “World of the Spirit” is one such description.  We can move from the drudgery of abstinence to this mystical dimension called the World of the Spirit.  That is the testimony of the founders of our fellowship.

As drinking was only a symptom of our disease and not its root, so these laundry lists of virtues are the fruit of our spiritual union with the Higher Power, and not an alternative focus to worldly things.  Striving for perfection based on someone’s idea of good behavior leads to religious egotism and isolation.   Perfection is unobtainable because it is destructive.  The care of God offers a lifetime process, a continuous quest, and an unending adventure.   Perfectionism is a fruit of fear, not faith.  Faith is an intuitive knowledge based on trust in one’s cooperative union with a Higher Power.  It grows as you build a track record of personal manifestation and power.

The obstacles to the spiritual growth of sobriety are isolated and distrustful selfishness (self-centeredness) and the powerlessness of being caged in a worldly focus.

“What used to be the hunch or the occasional inspiration gradually becomes a working part of the mind . . . we find that our thinking will, as time passes, be more and more on the plane of inspiration.  We come to rely upon it.”  (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 86)

From Today’s Daily Reflection;

On awakening let us think about the twenty-four hours ahead.  We consider our plans for the day.  Before we begin, we ask God to direct our thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives.  (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 86)

Every day I ask God to kindle within me the fire of His love, so that love, burning bright and clear, will illuminate my thinking and permit me to better do His will.  Throughout the day, as I allow outside circumstances to dampen my spirits, I ask God to sear my consciousness with the awareness that I can start my day over any time I choose; a hundred times, if necessary.

END OF QUOTE

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I understand that I am seeking a “one day at a time” transformation.  My disconnected self has established patterns of thinking that are destructive to myself and others. They are normal behavior to me.  I need the help of my Higher Power to reveal and daily consent to their removal.

When God removes them and I am left with a hole in my life, what is there to replace them with?  Love?  No, that word is another bundle word in the English language and is far too broad to be useful.  I love cookies.  I love my family.  I love sexual intimacy.  I have just said three different things using that one word.  There is also the co-dependent love that equals enabling destructive behavior.

As the rock group Foreigner once said, “I want to know what love is, I want You to show me.”

I am alive and free of an alcoholic hell because I have turned my life over to the Love of God.  Whenever I see the Care of God  manifested in my life, I ask to emulate it in the lives of those around me.

In science, there is an extension of the Pauli exclusion principle that states “no two objects can occupy the same space at the same time.”   In other words, they would have to be the same object when occupying the same space at the same time.  I propose another extension of the exclusion principle stated thus; that two or more spirits performing and existing in the same frequency at the same time cannot remain disconnected.  If I can operate in God’s frequency of love with an awareness and surrender to His timing, I will begin to develop a natural union with the Infinite One with a natural flow of Infinite Power through me.  I will not find myself in stagnant waters drained of life.

One day at a time, I seek to foster this Infinite Union by emulating the Care of God.  If I fall into old habits of isolation, if I fail to emulate the Care of God, I will feel the disconnect and intuitively know that something is off.  I learn from it, and seek to adjust fire on my target.  The recovery program gives me a chemistry set to work in the laboratory of transformation.

A closed container cannot receive Infinite Power.  Only a container that knows how to become a channel, both receiving and transmitting, can experience it.  Nature resists a vacuum.  If I give away what is given me, I create a natural suction upon the Universe.  I do not have to continually beg to recover by seeking the cleaning out of the stagnant water of my isolated alcoholic mind and replacing it with the clean water of the Spirit.  The flow of God’s Love will become a way of life.

Therefore, the guiding question upon awakening for me is, “how can I copy the existence and activity of my Higher Power today?”