Archive for September 9, 2008

Endigar 78

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on September 9, 2008 by endigar

I have a third sponsee as of tonight.  I thought I would share my paraphrase of the 3rd step prayer that I did on the 13th of November, last year:

To my Higher Power,

Because you are specifically interested in me, I desire to know you.  Because you appear to love me and give a damn about what happens to me, and because you are more powerful than my enemy, my disease, I will entrust the care of my life to you.  Because you seemed to be connected to everyone, and to be the representative of the web of the cosmos to me, the repository of universal wisdom, I will trust your guidance for my life.  Because the examples of your demonstrated will around me unfold in creative beauty and satisfy the hunger to truly live, I will subordinate my will to yours.

I have felt ignored and abandoned by you in the past.  I do not claim to understand you.  Or even to have your identity nailed down.  I struggle to hear your voice and understand your activity or lack thereof.  But I have given up the right, the need to argue.  I just need to live.  And you have found me now.  I accept your right to correct my way of life.  I accept you because you accept me.  Own me.  I am yours. 

These are the words I have a prejudice against and will need your help with as I work this program: surrender, willingness, dependence, weakness, good, total obedience, tame, beaten, honesty, homogenizing love, the apathy of peace, serenity, and contentment, predator, molester, bully, stupidity, culturally enforced ignorance, religion, balance.

These are the words that I like and I will also need your help with:  dangerous, strong, honorable, brave, powerful, intelligent, secrets reaper, high pain tolerance, endurance, persistence, pleasure, lust, adventure, vicious, cunning, creative, magic, superseding order out of explosive chaos, animal instinct, stoic, war, ambition, drive, adaptation, stealth, truth.

But I know that the logical conclusion of this disease is jail, insanity, or tragic death.

So I pray this – I am willing to surrender everything about me for you, my Higher Power, to become active  in my life.  I reach as I grow, I do what I know, I  let it all go.  Thank-you for one more apple to eat, a bite at a time.

Leave a comment »

Endigar 77

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on September 9, 2008 by endigar

The final question:

12.  Have you realized that God is doing for you what you could not do for yourself?

I find this question repugnant, as though it is not enough for an admission of powerlessness, but now you have to rub my nose in it!  No, I do not sense that there is a God magically spoon-feeding this program to me on any level.  But I feel that this God entity is partnering up with me, empowering me to do what needs to be done and making me effective, amplifying every effort I exercise. 

I believe this God entity needs me as much as I need It.

God was alone in the universe and it “was not good.”  This self-aware central force of the universe, the spider of the web that connects all, wanted others that could relate to It on a level no other being could achieve.  God needed beings that could understand the power of both order and chaos.  He created us, and he set us up to fall.  Perfection with a flaw was the design.  I am OK with this.  I have to express who I am to be a value to It, and It has to enhance my life to be of value to me.  Thus, our relationship has relevance one to the other.

Leave a comment »