Daily Reprieve

I went out with my daughter to the dollar theatre and saw the movie Hancock.  It was such a perfect parable of what I am going through and gave me some unexpected insight.  The PR rep is the good man that I do not want to be and for the reasons that were demonstrated in the movie.  Yet he is there and as persistant as that PR man.  And Hancock is that hard edge, the darker (sorry Will, that wasn’t a racial slur) side.  And of course sobriety is not his strong suit.  And the unexpected strength of the good man’s wife is Lady Recovery.  Go see the movie and you will see the unbelievable parallel. 

INSIGHT:   The good guy and the asshole can actually support one another, as long as the asshole maintains his distance from Lady Recovery.  It is not a one or the other prospect, a mutually exclusive inevitability.  I am amazed how many times the Higher Power uses movies to demonstrate profound truths to me.  Star Trek and Rocky have been canonized in my spiritual walk.  The raw Dominant is calm again, and Lady Recovery will have her way – a life with the good guy.

I think this qualifies as my Higher Power doing for me what I could not do for myself.

Alright.  I realize this is not a good place to be.  I do not underestimate this obsession.  I find myself not wanting to talk to my sponsor.  This disease is like a computer virus for the brain.  It has a negative programing that seems to key into vulnerabilities.  I know the work I have done is buying me time, but that will run out.  I was going to write that my phone is screwing up, which is slightly true.  Thus I am unable to talk to my sponsor.  Then I remembered that I just got off the phone with Sponsee One.  I confessed to my 14 year old daughter that my obsession has kicked in.  She gave some interesting advise about trying on different personas that you enjoy and whichever one feels enjoyable is closer to being the real you.  But, I know that I have to do something to catch this disease, which might even key into her advise to get me to do what is “natural” to do.  Ok, I am going to go ahead and call the sponsor.

Honesty.  Being real.  I am in a strange place.  I am two weeks away from picking up my year chip.  And I have had thoughts of returning to a chemical dependency.  Why?  I don’t want to be a good man.  I like living on the edge and being dangerous.  I hate what being good has done to me over the course of my life.  It has robbed me of so much living.  Yet I know the reality of releasing this demon once more.  I may be able to practice some controlled usage in the beginning, make certain promises to myself, but I KNOW what will happen.  Why then does this insanity return to the doorstep of my soul?

There are certain things that help restrain me for now.  But I know the ability of this insanity to circumvent restraints built by reason and sentiment, fortified by powerful resolve and intentions.  Ultimately the disease will break through.

Restraint One:  I have goals I want to achieve in recovery.  I would like to finish the amends, pick up this one year chip.  I would like to give it my best shot.  I have many close ended goals that I would like to see completed.

Restraint Two:  My Father still lives with me, and I would like for him to pass to the other side seeing my continued sobriety.  He is in His 80’s.  How long until I have to see this treasured relationship pass into memory?

Restraint Three:  There is a vague hope that I can find a way to manifest that darker side of my nature and still remain sober.  Why do I have such empathy for others?  What true benefit has this ever produced for me or those who depend on me?  My slave has suggested Nordic Shamanism.  I will look into that.  But if I remain corrupted with this sticky, syrupy goodness, no outside pursuit will be of lasting aid.  I don’t want to be a good guy.  I love being a Master of slaves, a soldier willing to kill, a man who leaps out of the plane into the unknown to conquer whatever he touches.  Maybe I shouldn’t have seen Batman 2 or 3 times in the theatre.  Maybe I should take up quilting.  Sigh.

Restraint Four:  I would like to take advantage of an educational opportunity to retool for the final years of my worklife.  I definitely need to be working with my brain rather than my body.  I would like to keep a clear head until I graduate and start working as a Micro Biologist or something along those lines, in medical research.  Maybe I would be able to keep the job long enough to get a retirement.

Restraint Five:  I would like to get all the projects done that are associated with my amends, most especially the clear explanation of my expectations for My beautiful slave.  Although, once I return to the chemical seduction, I will probably lose that relationship.  But my love will grow cold, I will cease to care, and I will become the harsh thing I so desire to see in the mirror.

Restraint Six:  I would like to give magic a chance to work.  I made a covenant with my Higher Power.  I would like to see it through.  But I do not have much patience with invisible entities.  I have to be able to hold tangible evidence to trust in intangible interventions. 

Restraint Seven:  I would like to finish the Right of Passage for my son, and the Coming of Age for my daughter.  I love them more than life itself. 

I am buying time.  I will talk to my sponsor about this tomorrow.  None of these restraints are powerful enough to resist the obsession.  I have been doing so good.  But my life is becoming too much like ministry, too sweet and nice.