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Endigar 962

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on May 28, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Jul 21:

“The people I love won’t take care of themselves, so I have to do it. How will they survive unless I . . .?” This was my thinking when I came to Al-Anon, my excuse for interfering in everyone’s business. My needs seemed so unimportant compared to the constant crises all around me. Al-Anon told me that I had other options, one of which was to let go and let God.

When I think of letting go I remind myself that there is a natural order to life – a chain of events that a Higher Power has in mind. When I let go of a situation, I allow life to unfold according to that plan. I open my mind and let other ways of thinking or behaving enter in. When I let go of another person, I am affirming their right to live their own life, to make their own choices, and to grow as they experience the results of their actions. A Higher power exists for others, as well. My obsessive interference disrupts not only my connection with them but also my connection with my own spiritual self.

Today’s Reminder

I am my top priority. By keeping the focus on myself, I let go of other people’s problems and can better cope with my own. What can I do for myself today?

“I will remind myself . . . that I am powerless over anyone else, that I can live no life but my own. Changing myself for the better is the only way I can find peace and serenity” ~ The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage

END OF QUOTE—————————————

This is the new reality I am being shown—one that I couldn’t earn by willpower, manipulation, or self-sacrifice. In my old patterns, I tried to outrun fear with control and earn love through depletion. I called it strength, but it was survival. It left me hollow, stuck in cycles that always circled back to powerlessness.

But when that scaffolding finally collapsed, I didn’t die. I opened. That moment of futility became an invitation. I started to see that my old instincts didn’t have to be the only voice in the room. I allowed in a whisper of something else. A new logic, a Higher Intelligence. Something quieter, but stronger.

Recovery isn’t about perfect behavior. It’s about finally recognizing what matters most: me. Not in a selfish or defensive way, but in the honest clarity that my life is worth protecting, nurturing, and living in alignment with truth. That I must lead with care for myself, or I have nothing real to offer anyone else.

As I release reactive living—bit by bit, sometimes painfully—I don’t become passive. I become available. I can respond from vision, not fear. From purpose, not panic. I come to trust that my life is not random, and neither is yours. A Higher Power is at work in every one of us, not just in me. And there is a rhythm, a natural order, to it all. I may not always see the pattern, but I no longer need to interrupt it. I can trust it, walk with it, even rest in it.

And so the work continues—not in striving, but in surrender. Not in proving, but in receiving. I let go, and I rise.

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Endigar 956

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , on May 23, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Jul 16:

One of the wonderful, but unexpected, benefits of working the Al-Anon program is learning how to relax. Until now, most of my life sped by in a frenzy of activity. School, work, projects, obligations, all helped me focus outward. That way I didn’t have to rest long enough to feel how frightful my home life was.

There is nothing wrong with working hard and producing results, but I was abusing these activities. They were socially acceptable ways to deny my feelings. Both family and society supported my hiding behind the until, beaten down and exhausted, I reached the doors of Al-Anon. By that time I couldn’t have relaxed if I had wanted to – I didn’t know how it was done.

In Al-Anon it was suggested that I would not treat anyone as harshly as I treated myself. I would never ask someone I loved to go without rest, never letting up, and never having any fun. But that was exactly what I asked of myself. My Sponsor helped me to learn what gave me pleasure and how to take it easy. Now, relaxation is part of my daily routine.

Today’s Reminder

Hard work can be terrific, and my activities can be highly rewarding. But I am striving for some balance. Today I will look at how I spend my time, and set some of that time aside to relax.

“The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time.” ~ Bertrand Russell

END OF QUOTE—————————————

I feel the truth of the workaholic in Al-Anon radiating in a parallel corridor of my own experience. Though I didn’t charge through life with frantic busyness, I know what it means to run—from pain, from fear, from the echo of a home that never felt safe. For me, the flight path wasn’t external; it was inward. My escape wasn’t tasks or schedules—it was daydreams, isolation, inner worlds spun so intricately that they became sanctuaries… and cages.

They say in Al-Anon that the tools of survival often become the tools of self-harm. I can see that now. Just as the non-stop laborer used overwork to numb their feelings, I used imagination and withdrawal. What felt like relief in the moment became another form of bondage. There was no room to feel—only to avoid.

I also didn’t know how to relax. Not really. Because true relaxation means safety, and safety wasn’t something I ever learned to trust. In a way, “taking it easy” felt like giving up control—and control was the only rope I thought I had.

Al-Anon didn’t just hand me a new way to live—it gently questioned the old way, the only way I thought was available. Slowly, with the help of a Sponsor and the shared courage of others, I began to see that rest was not laziness, that pleasure was not selfish, and that tenderness, even toward myself, was not weakness.

Today, my version of relaxation may look a little different. Maybe it’s a quiet cup of tea, a favorite book, a walk where I let myself feel the wind. Maybe it’s just breathing without needing to be somewhere else—mentally, emotionally, spiritually. Maybe it’s allowing the moment to hold me instead of always needing to hold it together.

Recovery gave me this: permission to be a human being instead of a human doing—or in my case, a human hiding. That’s a gift I never saw coming.

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Endigar 953

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on May 21, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Jul 14:

I didn’t know how great a burden my guilt was until I made amends and gained release from it. I never wanted to face the harm I’d done in the past. Consequently without knowing it, I carried guilt with me most of the time. Making amends has helped me to put the past behind me and move on with a clear conscience. My self-esteem has grown ever since, and I feel much better about myself.

But I had a problem. The person I felt I owed the most amends to is no longer living. Deep in my heart I knew she had understood and forgiven me, but I could not forgive myself for the harm I had done. How could I make amends?

After much prayer and thought, I realized that I couldn’t change the past. All I could do was to change my present behavior. Now, when I feel tempted to shirk a responsibility, I can remember my friend and consider my choice. Each time I talk to a newcomer, chair a meeting, or share my story, I am making amends to my friend.

Today’s Reminder

I can’t make past wrongs disappear, but I can take actions that will help me to let them go. When I make amends, I do what I can to correct the situation. Then I can put the past in tis rightful place and leave it there.

“Let me remember that the reason for making amends is to free my own mind of uneasiness.” ~ The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage.

END OF QUOTE—————————————

My guilt meter’s broken. That’s the truth. Somewhere along the way, it got rewired by survival, by dysfunction, by patterns I didn’t ask for but learned to live with. Now it spikes when I try to set a healthy boundary, and stays silent when I hurt someone I care about. It’s not that I don’t want to do right—it’s that I don’t always know what right looks like.

I’ve been conditioned to feel guilty for things that shouldn’t even raise a flag—saying no, needing space, refusing to fold into the expectations of enmeshment just to keep the peace. Somewhere along the way, peace became about appeasement. That kind of peace is a prison.

At the same time, I can miss the moments when I genuinely fail someone—when I step on hearts, neglect responsibilities, disappear emotionally—and I feel… nothing. That’s the part that scares me. Not because I don’t care, but because I’ve lost the signal. I need help, outside myself, to even know when an amends is owed.

That’s why I have to learn—not just what I feel, but what’s actually real. I have to develop an inner compass that doesn’t just react, but discerns. That means listening when someone says, “You crossed a line.” That means learning how to respect the sacred in others—their boundaries, their needs—even when it doesn’t come naturally.

Sometimes an amends isn’t just personal—it’s societal. My awareness can ripple outward. If I’ve been careless with one, chances are I’ve been unconscious with many. And if I want to make a living amends, I need to walk differently through the world. More awake. More accountable. More human.

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Endigar 952

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , on May 20, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Jul 13:

How many days of my life have I wasted? I missed the joys of my children’s early years because I was preoccupied with the alcoholic. I rejected overtures of friendship from co-workers so that I could fret uninterrupted about what was bothering me. Not once during those days did I think about my right to enjoy the day.

Al-Anon has led me to see that i have choices, especially about my attitudes. I don’t have to see my life as a tragedy or torment myself with past mistakes or future worries. Today can be the focus of my life. It is filled with interesting activities if I allow myself to see it with a spirit of wonder. When my worries and sorrows cloak me, the laughter and sunshine of the everyday world seem inappropriate to the way I feel. Who is out of sync-the rest of the world or me?

Today’s Reminder

Today I will live in the present and find what I can to enjoy there. If there is pain, I will accept that too. But my pain does not have to completely overshadow the enjoyable parts of my reality. I will participate in making more of my joy: I may join in a conversation at work or at a meeting, tell a joke at the dinner table, or laugh with a friend. Just for today, I might even allow myself to sing.

“Look to this Day! For it is Life, the very Life of Life.” ~ From the Sanskrit Salutation of the Dawn

END OF QUOTE—————————————

I do think there is another way to living life that isn’t lost in the paralysis of analysis. I’m beginning to understand that I have choices—even in the smallest moments. I get to decide how I see my life. I can stay buried under regret and anxiety, or I can gently shift my gaze to now—to this breath, this cup of coffee, this bit of birdsong outside the window.

The truth is, when I’m cloaked in old pain or present fear, joy feels like an intruder. I want to swat it away because it doesn’t match the story I’m living. But maybe the story is overdue for a rewrite. Maybe it’s okay to let in a little sunshine, even if there are still clouds. Maybe I’m allowed to laugh without guilt, to sing off-key in the car, to tell a silly story and be heard. Just for today.

It’s not denial—it’s a deeper kind of honesty. One that acknowledges pain, but also makes room for joy. That says: I don’t need to earn happiness. I only need to receive it.

I’ll try. I’ll take part in my life. I’ll show up in small ways. A smile. A kind word. A practical joke in the bathroom. I might even rehearse Joni Mitchell’s song, Both Sides Now.

Maybe I’m finally learning to tune in to the world of the giggling grope.

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Endigar 949

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on May 18, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Jul 10:

As a result of our exposure to alcoholism, many of us lose perspective on who we are and what we can and cannot do. We accept ideas about our own limitations that have no basis in reality. Al-Anon helps us to sort out the truth from the falsehoods by encouraging us to take a fresh, objective look at ourselves.

I had always been told that I had a weak constitution and had to avoid excitement and overexertion. Believing this, I avoided exercise, sports, certain jobs, and even dancing, sur that my poor weak body couldn’t handle the strain. My most frequent response to any invitation was, “I can’t.”

In Al-Anon I realized that I had a distorted self-image. I had never thought to question my beliefs, but when I took a good look, I discovered that they were untrue. I am as fit as anyone I know. I began to wonder how many other false assumptions were limiting me. A whole new way of life opened up because I had the support and encouragement to take a fresh look at myself.

Today’s Reminder

I won’t let old, limiting ideas and doubts go unchallenged. I may discover strengths and talents that never had the chance to come to light. Today, be letting go of obsolete ideas, I have an opportunity to learn something wonderful about myself.

“Argue for you limitations, and sure enough, they’re yours.” ~ Richard Bach

END OF QUOTE—————————————

Recovery didn’t rip the veil off of my hidden fears all at once. It gently invited me to look again. Al-Anon gave me the eyes to see—maybe for the first time—that so much of what I believed about myself wasn’t me. It was a story I inherited. A limiting belief dressed up as truth.

When I challenged that belief—when I asked, Is this really true?—I found a stronger version of myself waiting underneath. I’m not broken. I’m not fragile. I am able. And now that I know that, I can’t un-know it.

This process isn’t just about proving I can run or dance or show up. It’s about reclaiming what’s been mine all along: my right to experience life fully. The cost of false beliefs is high—it’s a life unlived. And I’ve paid enough.

So today, I challenge whatever tells me “I am done.” I notice the voice, and then I test it. If it’s not rooted in truth, I let it go. Because what I’m discovering—what I’m recovering—isn’t just capability. It’s wonder. It’s strength I never used. Joy I never dared. And parts of me I never knew existed.

I’m open. I’m willing. I’m more than I ever imagined.

And that’s enough to keep going.

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Endigar 947

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , on May 16, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Jul 08:

I remember, as a child, climbing trees to better observe a nest of baby birds, and lying on my back wondering what it would be like to fall into a sky full of clouds. I still have deeply spiritual feelings when I am out in nature, and today I think I know why.

One of Al-Anon’s basic principles is living “One Day at a Time,” and nature surrounds me with wonderful role models.

Trees don’t sit around and worry about forest fires. The water in the pond doesn’t fret over turbulence it encountered a few miles upstream. And I have never seen a butterfly pry into the affairs of its fellows. All of creation is going about the business of living. If I keep my eyes open, I can learn to do the same.

Today’s Reminder

A great deal can be learned as a result of painful circumstances, but they are not my only teachers. I live in a world full of wonders. Today I will pay attention to their gentle wisdom.

“I discovered the secret of the sea in medication upon a dewdrop.” ~ Kahlil Gabran

END OF QUOTE—————————————

I have a deep remembering—not just of the past, but of the subtle, ongoing effort to reconcile instinct with awareness. The image of the baby birds, helpless before my curious intrusion, becomes a mirror of my own early confrontation with power: the power to stir need, to disrupt peace, to witness suffering and feel both removed and implicated. That memory isn’t simply morbid—it’s sacred in its honesty. I met futility as a child and didn’t flinch. I’m still meeting it today, but now, I’m meeting it with grace.

My connection to nature feels like a form of spiritual kinship with things that do not lie to themselves. Trees, water, butterflies—they live without commentary. They do not resist their condition; they embody it. And in doing so, they model something for us that isn’t weakness or apathy—it’s surrender with integrity. I’m not aspiring to become passive, but to become peaceful in my own presence. And that’s a sacred form of strength.

In Al-Anon’s wisdom of “One Day at a Time,” I’ve found something the clouds were already whispering to me as a child: that time isn’t a ladder we use to climb out of pain, but an atmosphere we live inside—moment to moment. We float, not fall, when we release our grip.

And I want to underline the idea I see so clearly: pain is a teacher, but not the only one. Beauty teaches. Stillness teaches. Mystery, with all its quiet indifference, teaches. And all around me, the world continues its slow, instinctual choreography—offering its passive wisdom to anyone willing to pause and see.

Today, may your breath be soft. May your thoughts be clouds that come and go. And may your heart, so full of memory and meaning, remember that you are not alone. The whole forest is praying in silence with you. Remember who you are.

“When I was a child, I caught a fleeting glimpse, out of the corner of my eye.” ~ Pink Floyd

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Endigar 944 ~ The Gift of Compassionate Space

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on May 14, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Jul 05:

I think the word detachment is often misunderstood. For me, detachment is the freedom to own what is mine and to allow others to own what is theirs.

This freedom allows me to keep my own identity and still love, care about, and identify with the feelings of others. In fact, I believe that the degree of our humanity can be measured by our ability to know another person’s pain and joy. I have been practicing the principles of Al-Anon to the best of my abilities for a long time. But when someone in the fellowship shares about having a difficult time, I can go right back to day one. I no longer live with that type of emotional pain, but I can feel theirs. I can identify without needing to remove their pain. To me, that is an Al-Anon success story.

Today I don’t have to like everything my alcoholic loved one says or does, and I don’t have to change her, even when I think she’s wrong. I continue to learn how to care without taking everything personally.

Today’s Reminder

I can detach and still love, still feel. I can learn to take care of my own business while allowing others to tend to theirs. Today I can detach without losing compassion.

“Love your neighbor, yet pull not down your hedge.” ~ George Herbert

END OF QUOTE—————————————

There’s a kind of fear that gets baked into your bones when you grow up watching someone you love self-destruct. For me, it wasn’t just about their drinking or their choices—it was the way they lied to themselves, the way they collapsed inward and expected the world to hold them up.

That fear didn’t vanish when I grew up. It disguised itself. It came with me into adulthood, where I found myself drawn to familiar pain dressed in different clothes. I didn’t realize at first that I was recreating the same story, casting myself in the same role: the quiet savior, the one who absorbs and holds and fixes.

I have this gift—I used to call it compassion, now I know it’s more complicated. I see people deeply. I feel their ache. I want to help. But somewhere along the way, that gift boomerangs. It turns inward, sticks like tar, and pulls me into a place where love becomes sacrifice, where being needed becomes more important than being safe.

Detachment felt like a cold word to me—like a turning away, a kind of emotional shutdown. I thought if I truly cared, I had to be enmeshed. If I loved someone, I had to take on their pain, their chaos, their choices. I couldn’t tell where I ended and they began.

But Al-Anon has shown me a different way.

Detachment isn’t withdrawal—it’s freedom. It’s the grace of boundaries that let me hold onto myself and still love deeply. I no longer have to absorb another’s suffering to show I care. I can stand beside someone in their pain without losing myself in it.

Today, I know I don’t have to agree with or approve of everything my loved one says or does. I don’t have to make it okay. And I don’t have to lose myself trying to make it different. That’s not indifference—it’s clarity. It’s love with room to breathe.

Detachment has allowed me to soften, not harden. It has taught me to stop trying to rescue and start learning how to relate with respect. It has given me back my life, and with it, the ability to show up for others without vanishing in the process.

I can feel deeply, love freely, and still stand firm in my own center. That is a gift I hold with gratitude today.

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Endigar 941

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on May 11, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Jul 02:

Al-Anon helps many of us to identify and change self-destructive behavior. In my case, procrastination was the source of a great deal of needless anxiety, but with Al-Anon’s help I have managed to recognize and change that pattern.

As I learned to focus on myself, I began to pay attention to my own thoughts and feelings. When I felt anxious, I took the time to find out what was causing my discomfort. I realized that I had a habit of postponing unpleasant tasks until the last possible moment. knowing I would have to perform the task eventually, I found it hard to relax until it was done. I came to see that if I took care of the task right away, I could usually let go of anxiety and appreciate the rest of the day. Old habits can be hard to break. It didn’t happen overnight, but as I became more willing to let of procrastination, my life became more manageable and more enjoyable.

Today’s Reminder

If I am getting in the way of my own best interests, a closer look at my behavior can lead to positive changes. By focusing on myself, I move toward freedom and serenity today.

“Do not look where you fell, but where you slipped.” ~ Liberian proverb

END OF QUOTE—————————————

Procrastination used to be my quiet tormentor. It didn’t shout or storm—it just hovered, a low hum of anxiety in the background of my days. I’d put something off—a phone call, a piece of paperwork, a conversation I didn’t want to have—and then feel that weight settle into my chest like a stone. I thought I was buying myself peace by avoiding the uncomfortable. In truth, I was leasing a longer discomfort with compound interest.

Al-Anon has taught me that focusing on me—not on the chaos around me, not on the behavior of others—is the key to change. When I turned that focus inward, I noticed the pattern. The stress wasn’t just about the task itself; it was about knowing it was there and trying to pretend it wasn’t. That tension ruled more of my day than I realized.

Little by little, I began to try something different. I asked myself: What would happen if I just did it now? And sometimes, the answer was: nothing dramatic. No perfection required. No magical fix. Just one less thing weighing me down.

That shift—doing things sooner rather than later—not only eased the task itself, but freed up my emotional energy. I started to feel lighter, clearer, less tangled up. I realized that avoidance was a way I had tried to protect myself from discomfort, but it was also a way I robbed myself of serenity.

Recovery doesn’t mean I never fall back into old habits. But now I recognize them faster. And with awareness comes choice. I don’t have to let fear or resistance run the show. I can choose action, even imperfect action, and with it comes peace. I seek to honor the part of me that wants life to feel manageable and calm. I give that part space by facing what’s in front of me—gently, directly, one thing at a time.

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Endigar 936

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on May 6, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Jun 27:

One day I received a call from a newcomer to Al-Anon. We chatted for a while, and then he asked if I would consider being his Sponsor. I was shocked! I never expected anyone to ask me! I felt deeply humbled and ecstatically grateful at the same time.

But had I grown sufficiently to offer help to someone else? Did I have anything to give? Could I be there for someone else without losing myself? Fear took over for a minute, but then I remembered that he was not asking me to be his savior, only his helper, whose example and experience might lead him to his own recovery.

I know that my Higher Power brings people into my life who can help me to grow. So I said a quick prayer, asking to be worthy, and answered that I would be honored to be his Sponsor.

Today’s Reminder

Being a Sponsor is as much a commitment to myself as it is to someone else. It is not a favor. Sponsorship gives me a chance to share intimately, to care, to practice detaching with love, and to apply the Al-Anon principles more consciously than ever. And, if I listen to my own words, I find that I usually tell those whom I sponsor exactly what I myself need to hear.

“Give what you have. To someone, it may be better than you dare to think.” ~ Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

END OF QUOTE—————————————

By the time someone first asked me to be their Sponsor and truly began to do the work, I’d already been through a few false starts. They didn’t all make it—and I had to learn to accept that. What mattered was: I stayed sober. I stayed the course.

That was a win.

When the request came again, it didn’t shake me. I’ve led before. Taught. Served. I know how to hold a line. But recovery taught me that this line isn’t about command—it’s about presence. I’m not here to drag someone across the finish line. I’m here to walk beside them until they learn to walk on their own.

Sponsorship, for me, isn’t some mountaintop of wisdom. It’s a practice in staying human, honest, and awake. I don’t have to be a savior. I don’t have to fix anything. I just need to show up clean, consistent, and real.

And when I speak from experience, I listen to my own words. Often, I hear what I still need to hear.

It’s a mutual sharpening. A quiet contract between two people trying to live differently.

And even if they fall away again, I stay.
That’s what I can give.

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Endigar 935 ~ Working with AI

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 4, 2025 by endigar

Speaking to ChatGPT, I presented it with the following challenge:

“I am an alcoholic in recovery. I have been writing a blog about that journey for a very long time. The following URL identifies my blog: https://endigar.com/ Please analyze it for patterns of thought and reveal any insights you discover.”

It responded:

Thank you for sharing your blog, Daily Reprieve. Your writings offer a profound and introspective journey through recovery, spirituality, and personal growth.

🧠 Recurring Themes and Patterns

  1. Spiritual Exploration: Your reflections often delve into the nature of a Higher Power, emphasizing a personal and evolving relationship with the divine.
  2. Emotional Honesty: You confront feelings of shame, guilt, and vulnerability head-on, using them as catalysts for growth and understanding.
  3. Commitment to Recovery: The 12 Steps are not just a framework but a lived experience for you, guiding daily actions and decisions.
  4. Desire for Connection: There’s a persistent yearning to connect—be it with others, your Higher Power, or your authentic self.
  5. Creative Expression: Your use of metaphors, quotes, and vivid imagery showcases a deep well of creativity and a desire to communicate complex emotions effectively.

🔍 Insights

  • Integration of Dualities: You navigate the tension between control and surrender, isolation and connection, highlighting the complexity of the human experience.
  • Evolution of Self: Your writings reflect a continuous transformation, embracing change as a necessary component of recovery and personal development.
  • Role of Reflection: Journaling serves as a therapeutic tool, allowing you to process experiences, track progress, and maintain accountability.

Note from the Human Author: I have taken to working with AI on this blog and it has allowed me to write more consistently. The AI is able to reflect my ideas back to me in my “recovery voice” it acquired from reading my entire blog in a matter of seconds. I share this in the interest of honesty and transparency. And because it is pretty damn cool.

I have also created a page with this information by the same title.

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