Daily Reprieve

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

The real tests of the situation are your own willingness to confide and your full confidence in the one with whom you share your first accurate self-survey. . . .Provided you hold back nothing, your sense of relief will mount from minute to minute. The dammed-up emotions of years break out of their confinement, and miraculously vanish as soon as they are exposed. As the pain subsides, a healing tranquility takes its place.  (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, pages 61 – 62)

A tiny kernel of locked-in feelings began to unfold when I first attended A.A. meetings and self-knowledge then became a learning task for me. This new self-understanding brought about a change in my responses to life’s situations. I realized I had the right to make choices in my life, and the inner dictatorship of habits slowly lost its grip.

I believe that if I seek God I can find a better way to live and I ask Him daily to assist me in living a sober life.

END OF QUOTE

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My sense of self relief came from finishing a difficult task.  My guilt-o-meter is broken, so that I feel guilty for things I have no control over, and no guilt for things that I hear others say sparked great remorse in them.  I do not know why this is.  Maybe the emotional tripwires of my family of origin, my mother being an adult child of an alcoholic father that she lost to this disease when she was around seventeen.  My stomach acid is composed of 78% constant anxiety knowing that on some front, somewhere, I am going to get in trouble.  This probably makes me a “double dipper,” someone who is both an alcoholic and qualifies for Al-Anon.  I have visited them before.  For now, I will stay with AA and try another time to work the fourth step, if a new sponsor thinks that is necessary.

I am intrigued by one phrase from the above contribution; “the right to make choices in my life” while “the inner dictatorship of habits slowly lost its grip.”  This seems to ring in my ears, as if it is a spiritual clue.  Or maybe an inner child’s hope.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

. . . what comes to us alone may be garbled by our own rationalization and wishful thinking. The benefit of talking to another person is that we can get his direct comment and counsel on our situation. . . (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 60)

I cannot count the times when I have been angry and frustrated and said to myself, “I can’t see the forest for the trees!” I finally realized that what I needed when I was in such pain was someone who could guide me in separating the forest and the trees; who could suggest a better path to follow; who could assist me in putting out fires; and help me avoid the rocks and pitfalls.

I ask God, when I’m in the forest, to give me the courage to call upon a member of A.A.

END OF QUOTE

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This powerfully resonates with me.  Finding someone who is committed to the greatest version of myself is often a process and takes courage to pursue.  Being that person takes courage as well.  We all get lost in the forest of fears from time to time.  I believe that it is a basic skill that is provided in this program.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

We must be entirely honest with somebody if we expect to live long or happily in this world.  (Alcoholics Anonymous, pages 73 – 74)

Honesty, like all virtues, is to be shared. It began after I shared “. . . [my] whole life’s story with someone . . .” in order to find my place in the Fellowship. Later I shared my life in order to help the newcomer find his place with us. This sharing helps me to learn honesty in all my dealings and to know that God’s plan for me comes true through honest openness and willingness.

END OF QUOTE

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I have a real problem with this, because I have such a profound distrust of others.  I also have a profound distrust of myself.  This is something I need to take to my sponsor, and I think I may need to find a new sponsor.  I like the one I have now, but he is just so friendly and laissez faire and I am so likely to pull away.  For me, I have found that truth seems to come through confrontation.  If I intend to embrace some new idea or person, and you hold that concept or relationship to be sacred, avert your gaze and find a radioactive shelter.  I simply cannot overcome my internal doctrines of distrust without kicking in a door or two.  Once the blast radius has calmed, I am ready to work things out.  There has to be a better way.  It is hard to build connections with this sort of approach.

From Yesterday’s Daily Reflections;

Somehow, being alone with God doesn’t seem as embarrassing as facing up to another person. Until we actually sit down and talk aloud about what we have so long hidden, our willingness to clean house is still largely theoretical.  (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 60)

It wasn’t unusual for me to talk to God, and myself, about my character defects. But to sit down, face to face, and openly discuss these intimacies with another person was much more difficult. I recognized in the experience, however, a similar relief to the one I had experienced when I first admitted I was an alcoholic. I began to appreciate the spiritual significance of the program and that this Step was just an introduction to what was yet to come in the remaining seven Steps.

END OF QUOTE

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I have done the fifth step several times.  I remember my sponsors yawning toward the end.  Their stories seemed so much more dramatic than mine.  I have never felt a sense of a weight being lifted from my shoulders.  I just had to drop the expectations I had of myself and the program and get busy doing the work.

And the work is not over, I am sure.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

Cling to the thought that, in God’s hands, the dark past is the greatest possession you have – the key to life and happiness for others. With it you can avert death and misery for them.  (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 124)

No longer is my past an autobiography; it is a reference book to be taken down, opened and shared. Today as I report for duty, the most wonderful picture comes through. For, though this day be dark – as some days must be – the stars will shine even brighter later. My witness that they do shine will be called for in the very near future. All my past will this day be a part of me, because it is the key, not the lock.

END OF QUOTE

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This is new to me.  My past is no longer my personal possession.  When I entered this program and demand recovery, hungered for it, the possession of my past was transferred to the very program that prevented the tragic and logic end to that past.  It makes sense.  I had not considered it.  I am considering it now.  Oh Gomu (God of my understanding), help me incorporate this reality.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.  (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 55)

Since it is true that God comes to me through people, I can see that by keeping people at a distance I also keep God at a distance. God is nearer to me than I think and I can experience Him by loving people and allowing people to love me. But I can neither love nor be loved if I allow my secrets to get in the way.

It’s the side of myself that I refuse to look at that rules me. I must be willing to look at the dark side in order to heal my mind and heart because that is the road to freedom. I must walk into darkness to find the light and walk into fear to find peace.

By revealing my secrets – and thereby ridding myself of guilt – I can actually change my thinking; by altering my thinking, I can change myself. My thoughts create my future. What I will be tomorrow is determined by what I think today.

END OF QUOTE

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Deception reinforces insanity.  Sanity is strengthened and fed by truth.  Double lives lead to fractured personalities and internal civil wars.  My connections with others must be taken off the deceptive transmission frequencies established in active alcoholism and adjusted to the clearest and most accurate truth about myself that I can uncover.  Connections based on the purest form of reality push me toward healing of heart and mind.

From Today’s Daily Reflections (for April 30th);

These legacies of suffering and of recovery are easily passed among alcoholics, one to the other. This is our gift from God, and its bestowal upon others like us is the one aim that today animates A.A.’s all around the globe.  (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 151)

The great paradox of A.A. is that I know I cannot keep the precious gift of sobriety unless I give it away.

My primary purpose is to stay sober. In A.A. I have no other goal, and the importance of this is a matter of life or death for me. If I veer from this purpose I lose. But A.A. is not only for me; it is for the alcoholic who still suffers. The legions of recovering alcoholics stay sober by sharing with fellow alcoholics. The way to my recovery is to show others in A.A. that when I share with them, we both grow in the grace of the Higher Power, and both of us are on the road to a happy destiny.

END OF QUOTE

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I have grown to trust this kind of helping over all others.  I trust others to help me when their lives depend on it.  I am so glad to be free of the religious high horse that offers patronizing pity as its primary solace.  My help is not given to sell a religious icon.  It is motivated by unapologetic self-preservation.  That is real and honors the individual.

From Yesterday’s Daily Reflections;

All A.A. progress can be reckoned in terms of just two words: humility and responsibility. Our whole spiritual development can be accurately measured by our degree of adherence to these magnificent standards.  (As Bill Sees It, page 271)

To acknowledge and respect the views, accomplishments and prerogatives of others and to accept being wrong shows me the way of humility. To practice the principles of A.A. in all my affairs guides me to be responsible. Honoring these precepts gives credence to Tradition Four-and to all other Traditions of the Fellowship. Alcoholics Anonymous has evolved a philosophy of life full of valid motivations, rich in highly relevant principles and ethical values, a view of life which can be extended beyond the confines of the alcoholic population. To honor these precepts I need only to pray, and care for my fellow man as if each one were my brother.

END OF QUOTE

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The two magnificent standards are humility and responsibility and are the measurable fruit of my spiritual development.

A.A. has evolved a philosophy of life.  What is it I wonder?

This philosophy has valid motivations.  What are they?

It has highly relevant principles and ethical values.  What specifically do we mean when we say practice these principles in all our affairs?  What are they?

A.A. has a view or vision of life that extends beyond the alcoholic population.    What is it?

It seems that the answer to these questions cannot be the result of an academic quest.  They are discovered through prayer and care for my fellow man.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

Some may think that we have carried the principle of group autonomy to extremes. For example, in its original “long form,” Tradition Four declares: “Any two or three gathered together for sobriety may call themselves an A.A. group, provided that as a group they have no other affiliation.”* . . . But this ultra- liberty is not so risky as it looks.  (AA Comes of Age, page 104 – 05)

As an active alcoholic, I abused every liberty that life afforded. How could A.A. expect me to respect the “ultra-liberty” bestowed by Tradition Four? Learning respect has become a lifetime job.

A.A. has made me fully accept the necessity of discipline and that, if I do not assert it from within, then I will pay for it. This applies to groups too. Tradition Four points me in a spiritual direction, in spite of my alcoholic inclinations.

END OF QUOTE

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I have been on storm vigil today, here in Alabama.  It seems nothing changes in the South without violence, not even the weather.

Abusing liberty is an alcoholic tendency?  I suppose so.  Freedom is a group thing that implies a personal necessity for individual discipline.  As an alcoholic, I saw freedom as an individual thing that implied group belligerence and social warfare.  Are the spiritual traits that I need to develop to support this group autonomy  humility and trust?  I think so.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

We realize we know only a little. God will constantly disclose more to you and to us. Ask Him in your morning meditation what you can do each day for the man who is still sick. The answers will come, if your own house is in order. But obviously you cannot transmit something you haven’t got. See to it that your relationship with Him is right, and great events will come to pass for you and countless others. This is the Great Fact for us.  (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 164)

Sobriety is a journey of joyful discovery. Each day brings new experience, awareness, greater hope, deeper faith, broader tolerance. I must maintain these attributes or I will have nothing to pass on.

Great events for this recovering alcoholic are the normal everyday joys found in being able to live another day in God’s grace.

END OF QUOTE

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I used to think that the phrase “obviously you cannot transmit something you haven’t got” to be an admonishment to go out and get it so that I will be fit to transmit.  That is what my perfectionism hears.  That is not the Great Fact that this observation leads to.  By myself, isolated, I am powerless.  I simply cannot become more.  I need to connect with a Higher Power.  When I do connect with this loving Source, more is disclosed even though I know only a little by myself.  The order of my house is to seek intimate connection with Gomu.  Joyful discoveries of sobriety are the many “I love yous” whispered and shouted along the way.  We are not alone.  This is the Great Fact for me.