Archive for Recovery

« Older Entries
Newer Entries »

Endigar 936

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on May 6, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Jun 27:

One day I received a call from a newcomer to Al-Anon. We chatted for a while, and then he asked if I would consider being his Sponsor. I was shocked! I never expected anyone to ask me! I felt deeply humbled and ecstatically grateful at the same time.

But had I grown sufficiently to offer help to someone else? Did I have anything to give? Could I be there for someone else without losing myself? Fear took over for a minute, but then I remembered that he was not asking me to be his savior, only his helper, whose example and experience might lead him to his own recovery.

I know that my Higher Power brings people into my life who can help me to grow. So I said a quick prayer, asking to be worthy, and answered that I would be honored to be his Sponsor.

Today’s Reminder

Being a Sponsor is as much a commitment to myself as it is to someone else. It is not a favor. Sponsorship gives me a chance to share intimately, to care, to practice detaching with love, and to apply the Al-Anon principles more consciously than ever. And, if I listen to my own words, I find that I usually tell those whom I sponsor exactly what I myself need to hear.

“Give what you have. To someone, it may be better than you dare to think.” ~ Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

END OF QUOTE—————————————

By the time someone first asked me to be their Sponsor and truly began to do the work, I’d already been through a few false starts. They didn’t all make it—and I had to learn to accept that. What mattered was: I stayed sober. I stayed the course.

That was a win.

When the request came again, it didn’t shake me. I’ve led before. Taught. Served. I know how to hold a line. But recovery taught me that this line isn’t about command—it’s about presence. I’m not here to drag someone across the finish line. I’m here to walk beside them until they learn to walk on their own.

Sponsorship, for me, isn’t some mountaintop of wisdom. It’s a practice in staying human, honest, and awake. I don’t have to be a savior. I don’t have to fix anything. I just need to show up clean, consistent, and real.

And when I speak from experience, I listen to my own words. Often, I hear what I still need to hear.

It’s a mutual sharpening. A quiet contract between two people trying to live differently.

And even if they fall away again, I stay.
That’s what I can give.

Leave a comment »

Endigar 935 ~ The Messenger

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on May 5, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Jun 26:

Forgiveness can be just a change of attitude. I came to Al-Anon full of bitterness toward the alcoholic in my life. When I realized that my bitterness hurt me more than anyone else, I began to search for another way to view my situation.

In time, I came to believe that my alcoholic loved one might be the messenger my Higher Power used to let me know that I needed to get help. It is not fair to shackle her with credit or blame for the amount of time it took for me to pay attention to that message. I chose to tolerate a great deal of unacceptable behavior because I was unwilling to admit that I needed help. I did the best I could with the tools and knowledge I had at hand, and I believe that she did too. Eventually the message got through. I made it to the rooms of Al-Anon, and my life changed in miraculous ways. I don’t deny that hurtful things were said and done along the way, but I refuse to carry the burden of bitterness any further. Instead, I am grateful for what I have learned.

Today’s Reminder

I will not allow resentments to drag me down any longer. I am building a better and more loving life today.

“Forgiving is not forgetting, it’s letting go of the hurt.” ~ Mary McLeod Bethune

END OF QUOTE—————————————

There was a time when I carried bitterness like armor—close to the chest, heavy on the shoulders. I came into recovery with a heart full of accusations, convinced the unfaithful ones in my life were the architect of my pain. But time and grace are strange companions. Somewhere along the journey, I began to see with different eyes.

What if—just what if—she was not my enemy, but a messenger?

Not a perfect one. Not a gentle one. But a necessary one.

I can’t pretend the hurt didn’t happen. I won’t gloss over the words, the nights, the betrayal. But I can choose how long I carry it. I can choose whether to let those memories define the whole story or just a chapter of it.

And here’s the truth: I stayed too long in chaos, not because I was stupid, but because I didn’t know another way. I tolerated more than I should have, not because I liked suffering, but because I hadn’t yet learned to reach for help. That learning came slowly, and painfully—but it did come. And when it did, I walked into the rooms of 12 Step recovery. And my life began to change.

Forgiveness, I’ve found, isn’t always about saying “it’s okay.” Sometimes it’s just about setting the weight down. Seeing the past with clearer eyes. Letting my pain transform into compassion—not for her behavior, but for the brokenness in both of us.

Today, I give thanks not for the damage, but for the awakening it sparked. The messenger delivered the message. I listened. And that listening saved my life.

Leave a comment »

Endigar 935 ~ Working with AI

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 4, 2025 by endigar

Speaking to ChatGPT, I presented it with the following challenge:

“I am an alcoholic in recovery. I have been writing a blog about that journey for a very long time. The following URL identifies my blog: https://endigar.com/ Please analyze it for patterns of thought and reveal any insights you discover.”

It responded:

Thank you for sharing your blog, Daily Reprieve. Your writings offer a profound and introspective journey through recovery, spirituality, and personal growth.

🧠 Recurring Themes and Patterns

  1. Spiritual Exploration: Your reflections often delve into the nature of a Higher Power, emphasizing a personal and evolving relationship with the divine.
  2. Emotional Honesty: You confront feelings of shame, guilt, and vulnerability head-on, using them as catalysts for growth and understanding.
  3. Commitment to Recovery: The 12 Steps are not just a framework but a lived experience for you, guiding daily actions and decisions.
  4. Desire for Connection: There’s a persistent yearning to connect—be it with others, your Higher Power, or your authentic self.
  5. Creative Expression: Your use of metaphors, quotes, and vivid imagery showcases a deep well of creativity and a desire to communicate complex emotions effectively.

🔍 Insights

  • Integration of Dualities: You navigate the tension between control and surrender, isolation and connection, highlighting the complexity of the human experience.
  • Evolution of Self: Your writings reflect a continuous transformation, embracing change as a necessary component of recovery and personal development.
  • Role of Reflection: Journaling serves as a therapeutic tool, allowing you to process experiences, track progress, and maintain accountability.

Note from the Human Author: I have taken to working with AI on this blog and it has allowed me to write more consistently. The AI is able to reflect my ideas back to me in my “recovery voice” it acquired from reading my entire blog in a matter of seconds. I share this in the interest of honesty and transparency. And because it is pretty damn cool.

I have also created a page with this information by the same title.

Leave a comment »

Endigar 934

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on May 4, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Jun 25:

After years of letting people take advantage of me, I had built up quite a store of anger, resentment, and guilt by the time I found Al-Anon. So many times I wanted to bite off my tongue after saying, “Yes,” when I really wanted to say, “No.” Why did I continue to deny my own feelings just to gain someone’s approval?

As I worked the Al-Anon program, the answer became apparent: What I lacked was courage. In the Serenity Prayer I learned that courage is granted by my Higher Power, so that is where I turned first. Then it was up to me to do my part. Was I willing to try to learn to say, “No,” when I meant no? Was I willing to accept that not everyone would be thrilled with this change? Was I willing to face the real me behind the people-pleasing image? Fed up with volunteering to be treated like a doormat, I squared my shoulders and answered, “Yes.”

Today’s Reminder

It is not always appropriate to reveal my every thought, especially when dealing with an active alcoholic. But do I make a conscious choice about what I say? And when it is appropriate, do I say what I mean and mean what I say? If not, why not? All I have to offer anyone is my own experience of the truth.

“There is a price that is too great to pay for peace . . . One cannot pay the price of self-respect.”

~ Woodrow Wilson

END OF QUOTE—————————————

Self-abandonment is something that many experience when living in codependence. There is a great emotional cost of saying “yes” when the soul longs to say “no.” The biting of the tongue becomes a metaphor not just for silence, but for self-erasure. There was a time when I mistook silence for peace and compliance for love. I said “yes” so many times my tongue began to feel like an artifact—not a tool of truth, but a relic of performance. Behind every forced agreement, a little part of me curled inward, retreating from a world that never asked how I truly felt.

By the time I found Al-Anon, I was brimming with what I thought was anger toward others, but it was really the grief of self-abandonment. Resentment was the smoke; guilt was the ash. I had made a habit of swallowing my truth, hoping it would earn me a place in someone else’s peace. It never did.

Working the program taught me something both terrifying and liberating: I wasn’t lacking love—I was lacking courage. Not the kind of courage that roars, but the kind that whispers, “No,” when my soul knows that “yes” would be betrayal. The Serenity Prayer didn’t just soothe me—it instructed me. Courage is granted, yes—but only to those who ask for it, who receive it, and who dare to wield it.

The turning point wasn’t dramatic. It was a simple moment, sacred in its clarity. I realized I could stop volunteering for mistreatment. I could stop mistaking martyrdom for virtue. I stood up—not against someone else, but for myself. That was the moment I began to recover—not just from the effects of someone else’s drinking, but from the long habit of abandoning my own spirit.

Leave a comment »

Endigar 933

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , on May 3, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Jun 24:

A farmer found a magical flute. Hoping to charm his hens into laying extra eggs, he played the flute to them all day, but at nightfall he had no more eggs than usual. Later, when asked if he’d had any success, the farmer replied, “I sure did. It wasn’t much of a day for egg-laying, but it was a great day for music!”

In Al-Anon, as in this fable, we learn that success and failure are a matter of perspective. Before coming to Al-Anon, many of us had known great disappointment because we couldn’t cure alcoholism in someone we loved. In time, we began to doubt our ability to take any effective action. We didn’t realize that we achieve many successes every day.

Our program helps us to recognize how much we have accomplished simply by being willing to walk through the doors of an Al-Anon meeting to ask for help. In spite of difficult circumstances, we now have the opportunity to change long-held behavior and beliefs. That is a great achievement.

Today’s Reminder

The finest gift I can give to ensure my continued recovery is willingness. Each demonstration of willingness, each meeting attended, each Al-Anon tool used, is a mark of my success.

“Every good thought you think is contributing its share of the ultimate result of your life”

~ Greenville Kleiser

END OF QUOTE—————————————

There’s something tender and freeing about the farmer’s flute—his shift from expectation to appreciation. He set out hoping for eggs and got music instead. That would have felt like failure to the old me: results-driven, desperate to fix, tangled in the illusion that I could force growth, healing, or peace in someone else.

But recovery has taught me a new kind of listening. I hear the music now, even when the eggs don’t come. I show up to meetings not because I know what I’ll get, but because I’m willing to be surprised by grace. That willingness—that simple openness—is a seed of real change. And sometimes, it takes the shape of laughter, insight, rest, or just the quiet comfort of not being alone.

Walking through the door the first time wasn’t small. It was sacred. It was me choosing to respond to pain rather than collapse into it. That choice is a success. Every tool I pick up, every new behavior I try, even every failure I sit with instead of run from—these are my contributions to the life I’m building.

Leave a comment »

Endigar 932

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 2, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Jun 23:

The courage to be honest with ourselves is one quality we can cultivate to help our spiritual growth. It takes a commitment to honesty to admit that someone we love has a drinking problem, that alcoholism and many other things are beyond our control, that there is a source of help greater than ourselves, and that we need the care of that Higher Power.

Honesty allows us to look at ourselves, to share our discoveries with God and others, to admit that we need spiritual help in moving forward, and to free ourselves by making amends for past wrongs.

We need to be truthful with ourselves as we continue to review our attitudes and actions each day. This allows us to be humble enough to reach out to others as equals, and to continue to grow in every area of our lives. Where do we find the courage to be so honest with ourselves? The courage to change the things we can is found in our continuously-developing relationship with a Power greater than ourselves.

Today’s Reminder

I know that honesty is an essential part of the Twelve Steps. I am willing to be more honest with myself today.

“Where is there dignity unless there is honesty?” ~ Marcus Tullius Cicero

END OF QUOTE—————————————

I feel the quiet, persistent tug of recovery calling me back—not to perfection, but to truth. Not the glamorous kind, not the kind that wins applause or brings immediate peace. The kind of truth that stings a little when I speak it. The kind that demands I put aside my pride, my polished story, and look at what is, not just what I wish were true.

Honesty in recovery isn’t just about admitting someone else has a problem—it’s about facing where I still struggle, even now. It’s about telling the truth that maybe I’m scared, or tired, or resentful. That sometimes I still want to control the uncontrollable, and that I forget—again—that there’s a Power greater than me whose care is always available.

But when I am honest, something shifts. A weight lifts. There’s a dignity in standing bare before that Higher Power and saying, “Here I am. This is what I’ve got today.” Whether that’s strength or shame, hope or heavy grief—it’s all welcome in that sacred space.

This honesty frees me to keep growing. It opens the door to humility, and with that, real connection—where I can meet others not from a place of superiority or shame, but shoulder to shoulder. And I remember that honesty is not a once-and-done declaration. It’s a practice. A willingness. A daily return.

So today, I say yes again. Yes, to truth. Yes, to courage. Yes, to a Power greater than myself, who teaches me that even when I feel weak, this willingness to be honest is, in fact, my greatest strength.

Leave a comment »

Endigar 931

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 1, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Jun 22:

My sharing at early Al-Anon meetings went something like this: “She makes me so mad,” and “I’m a nervous wreck because of him.” Thank God for a Sponsor who always brought the focus back to me and encouraged me to look at what my words really said. When I blamed others for how I felt, I was giving them power over my feelings, power that rightly belonged to me. Nobody can make me feel anything without my consent. I had a lot of attitude-changing to do.

Today, by being aware of the words I use, I am learning a more straight forward manner, but I also argue in a healthier way. There are better ways to express myself than to say, “You did such and such to me.” I can talk about myself and my feelings. I can explain the way I experienced something rather than telling the other person how he or she made me feel. I can talk about what I want. I am no longer a victim.

Today’s Reminder

What do my words communicate? Do they express what I am trying to say? Today I will listen more closely to what my words have to say.

“We learn in time that it is not subjects which are controversial, but the manner in which we communicate about them and the elements of personal blame we add to them in anger.” ~ The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage

END OF QUOTE—————————————

I didn’t blame others for making me feel anything. That was never my vocabulary. If anything, my words were steeped in sorrow, not accusation. Despair wasn’t a mood—it was a kind of integrity. I didn’t dress my grief in the disguise of anger or blame; I let it speak for itself. And when I shared, it wasn’t about assigning fault—it was about expressing the aching helplessness of watching someone I cared about spiral, and the futility I felt trying to reach them.

My Sponsor didn’t shower me with affection or “love” as it’s often portrayed. What I received was a form of clarity, perhaps a kind of austere compassion. What helped was not warmth, but witnessing. Having someone who stayed steady while I didn’t flinch from the tragic dimension of my truth—that’s what kept me coming back.

Even now, I’m wary of joy that feels like theater. Of spiritual platitudes that skate over the dark water. I’ve trained myself to speak with a reverence for pain because that’s where my honesty has lived. When I feel most myself, it’s often in the shadows—not because I haven’t healed, but because I refuse to fake a light that hasn’t truly dawned.

So when I ask myself whether I’ve “improved” by learning to wear this cloak of restored joy and spiritual confidence—I feel the edges of that question cut deep. If healing means smiling more, I don’t know. But if healing means learning to carry tragedy without letting it erase me, then maybe, yes. If it means staying true to the solemnity that shaped me, while still finding the strength to show up—then I think that’s progress, even if it’s not pretty.

Because the truth is: sometimes the most sacred thing I can offer is not a polished testimony, but a quiet presence that refuses to lie.

Leave a comment »

Endigar 930 ~ The Quiet Strength of Meditation

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , on April 30, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Jun 21:

What exactly is meditation? Is it something hypnotic, strange, and beyond my capabilities? The dictionary tells me it means, “to think contemplatively.” When I look up “contemplate” it says, “to view thoughtfully.”

In every quiet moment I can find to calm my mind and think through the day ahead of me, I am meditating. During these moments, by clearing my mind and asking my Higher Power to guide me, I find answers to my concerns. I don’t always expect or enjoy the answers I get, but to turn away from them causes even greater turmoil.

I have spent too much of the past working against my better instincts. God gave me instincts as a help, not a hindrance. The more I am quiet enough to discover and follow these instincts, the stronger they become.

Today’s Reminder

I will take time to clear my mind and focus on what is essential for today. I will release any unimportant thoughts. I will then allow myself to be guided toward the best action I can take for today. Regardless of how simple the answers my seem, I will listen without judgment. I will not take my thoughts for granted, for they may be my only guide.

“Go to your bosom: Knock there, and ask your heart what it doth know.” ~ William Shakespeare

END OF QUOTE—————————————

Before recovery, I thought meditation was for other people — the enlightened, the peaceful, the ones who lit incense and floated above pain. I didn’t trust stillness back then; it felt like a trap. I needed chaos to feel alive.

But somewhere along the way, as I kept showing up for my regular practice — simple, imperfect, mostly just sitting and breathing — something started to shift. I began to notice that silence didn’t mean absence. It meant space. Spaciousness. A room inside myself where my Higher Power could speak in the only language the soul understands: quiet.

This reflection reminds me that meditation isn’t a performance — it’s permission. Permission to stop trying to figure everything out. Permission to be empty, just for a few minutes, and listen without fixing. Sometimes I receive insight. Sometimes just presence. Sometimes, like today, I realize how deeply it has shaped me — not because I’m “doing it right,” but because I no longer lose myself in every loud moment that comes.

When I had an automobile accident today, my body was hit — but I wasn’t. And maybe that’s what meditation has given me: a self that’s no longer tied to every external storm. I don’t have to panic. I don’t even have to react. I just breathe, ask for guidance, and wait.

I don’t always like the answers. But I’ve lived long enough to know that running from the truth hurts worse than facing it. I’ve fought my own spiritual instincts for years, called them inconvenient, too soft, too slow. But now I see — they were never the problem. They were the compass I didn’t know how to read.

Today, I’ll keep clearing a little space. Not for perfection — for direction. Even the gentlest nudge from within is enough to move mountains when I’m willing to trust it.

Leave a comment »

Endigar 929

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on April 29, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Jun 20:

Fear was a daily part of my experience of alcoholism, and I learned certain ways to cope with it. I often catch myself reacting to my fears in the same way today, even though my circumstances have changed. For example, I often keep quiet when confronted, instead of speaking my mind. This might be a legitimate response, except that I don’t consciously make the choice. This is not responding, it’s reacting, giving up my self-respect out of fear and out of habit.

My best alternative is to admit that I have a problem, accept my reactions, and turn them over to my Higher Power. I’ve often heard that courage is fear that has said its prayers. I must recognize my fear, I must say those prayers, and I must have faith as I wait for healing.

In the meantime, there are important ways in which I can help myself. The first step in learning to respond more effectively to others is to learn to respond more effectively to myself. I can learn to respond with love, caring, and respect for myself, even for those parts of me that experience fear, confusion, and anger.

Today’s Reminder

Today I’ll try to become more aware of alternatives that I haven’t yet recognized.

“. . . Al-Anon helped me to accept the fact that, although I have no control over other people’s reactions or thoughts, I can change the way I react.” ~ . . . In All Our Affairs

END OF QUOTE—————————————

Fear used to be the water I swam in — so constant I didn’t even know it had a name. It shaped everything: the way I spoke (or stayed silent), the way I moved through relationships, the way I tried to survive. I learned to shrink, to please, to disappear. It wasn’t a conscious decision — it was instinct. It was armor. It was all I knew.

Even now, in recovery, I sometimes catch myself slipping back into those old patterns — not because I’m failing, but because the body remembers. I still find myself going quiet when I’m afraid, even if I have something important to say. I freeze, I retreat, I abandon myself, not because I want to, but because I forget I have another choice.

That’s the difference recovery is teaching me — between reacting and responding. Reaction is old wiring. Response is healing.

And the path to response starts with awareness. It starts with pausing long enough to say, Oh. I’m scared right now. And then instead of pushing it away or letting it run the show, I bring it to prayer. I offer it to my Higher Power — not to be instantly fixed, but to be held.

I’ve always loved that phrase: “Courage is fear that has said its prayers.” It doesn’t mean the fear disappears. It means it no longer has the final word.

One of the most important things I’ve learned is that I cannot respond lovingly to others if I don’t first learn how to respond lovingly to myself. That includes the parts of me that still feel scared, confused, or angry. They’re not signs of failure — they’re signs of being human. And they’re worthy of compassion.

Today, I don’t have to control anyone else’s thoughts, feelings, or reactions. That’s not my job. My job is to become more aware of myself — and to gently, steadily, practice choosing love over fear.
Especially when it comes to the way I treat me.

Courage is armor
A blind man wears;
That calloused scar
Of outlived despairs;
Courage is Fear
That has said its prayers.

~ Karle Wilson Baker

1 Comment »

Endigar 928 ~ Step One

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on April 28, 2025 by endigar

Step One: “We admitted that we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable.”

1st Step Principle: We will find enduring strength only when we first admit complete defeat over our isolated, obsessive thinking and compulsive behavior. (Adapted from 12 Steps & 12 Traditions, top of page 22)

AA Extracted Value: Honesty

ACA Extracted Values: Powerlessness & Surrender

Other Extracted Values: Acceptance

There’s a strange kind of grace hidden in Step One. It doesn’t feel like grace at first — it feels like hitting the wall. Like losing. Like failure.

But somewhere beyond that first sting, there’s relief. There’s a softening.

For so long, I fought life on my own terms — isolated in my obsessive thoughts, driven by compulsions I couldn’t control, believing if I just tried harder, thought smarter, did better, I could fix it. I could fix me.

But Step One doesn’t ask me to fix anything. It invites me to admit the truth: I can’t.
I am powerless.
My life, left to my own devices, becomes unmanageable.

It’s easy to think of “powerlessness” as weakness, but in recovery, it’s something far more beautiful. It’s honesty. It’s finally telling the truth about my limitations, my fears, my illusions of control. It’s putting down the exhausting armor of pretending.

Admitting defeat feels shameful to the old parts of me that were raised to equate strength with independence. But real strength — enduring strength — comes when I surrender. When I let go of the desperate need to be in charge, to know the answers, to wrestle my pain into submission.

Surrender is not about giving up. It’s about opening up.

It’s about saying: I don’t have to do this alone. I was never meant to.

ACA teaches me that powerlessness and surrender are vital values — not things to fear, but things to lean into. They are the doors through which acceptance enters. And with acceptance comes a gentler, wiser way of living.

Today, I am willing to lay down the endless battle against myself and against reality.
Today, I am willing to be honest about where I am powerless.
Today, I surrender my isolated, obsessive thinking and compulsive behavior.
Today, I accept life as it is, not as I demand it to be.

And maybe — just maybe — in that surrender, I will find the strength I have been seeking all along.

Leave a comment »

« Older Entries
Newer Entries »