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Endigar 955 ~ Step Two

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , on May 22, 2025 by endigar

Step Two: “Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.”

2nd Step Principle: My need for the ability to tell the true from the false with a whole and sane mind is the beginning of my connection with an untapped Power greater than myself. (Principles after the First Step are constructed from personal reflection and acceptance. Use my version or formulate your own.)

AA Extracted Value: Hope

ACA Extracted Values: Open-mindedness & Clarity

Other Extracted Values: Awareness

There was a time when the word sanity felt like a distant, almost mythical concept—something reserved for others who didn’t carry the chaos I carried inside. But Step Two invites me to gently question the assumptions I’ve lived under. It doesn’t demand immediate belief. It doesn’t threaten or corner. It offers a possibility. That’s all—just maybe. Maybe I don’t have to stay lost. Maybe there is a way out. Maybe I don’t have to figure it all out on my own anymore.

That possibility is where hope begins.

The principle that struck me most is this: the ability to tell the true from the false. That sounds simple, but in the fog of dysfunction—especially as an adult child—it’s not. In fact, it might be the most difficult and most essential gift I can receive. In my old patterns, I confused love with control, guilt with responsibility, chaos with aliveness, and emotional numbness with safety. That distortion of truth was the insanity I was operating under.

So when I consider a Power greater than myself, I think of clarity. Not lightning bolts or grand visions, but the quiet power that lets me see the next right thing clearly. That lets me pause, breathe, and ask, “Is this true?” That helps me discern the real from the reactive. That kind of clarity is divinely sane.

Hope isn’t fantasy. Hope doesn’t float. It leans in. Like the metaphor of archery, hope isn’t just pointing in the right direction. It’s breath control. It’s stillness. It’s trust in the strength of your own arm guided by something beyond it. There is discipline in it. There is surrender, yes—but it’s not passive. It’s a relational act. I do my part by aiming well. My Higher Power does the rest by allowing grace to guide the arrow.

I’ve spent years aiming blindly, without realizing my sights were misaligned. I’ve hoped for things that weren’t mine to carry. I’ve hoped without action. That’s not hope. That’s despair dressed in a costume. True hope is choosing to keep aiming, keep breathing, and trust that if I keep showing up with willingness, I will hit something real, something healing. Maybe not today. But the arc is shifting. The mind is clearing. And I’m learning to tell the true from the false.

That, to me, is the first flicker of sanity.

And that flicker is enough for today.

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Endigar 954

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , on May 22, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Jul 15:

Each of us puts the Al-Anon program into practice in our lives as best we can, moving at the pace that is right for us. That is why I avoid speaking harshly, using phrases such as “get off the pity-pot” or “quit feeling sorry for yourself.” Perhaps someone needs more time to work through a painful situation than I do. Their story may sound repetitious to me, but who am I to judge?

When I’m struggling with my difficulties, I am so grateful that no one in Al-Anon stands over me with a stopwatch, telling me that I am taking too long when I learn my lessons slowly. A nonjudgmental, listening ear can be a great blessing, and I’m leaning to offer it more freely.

Today’s Reminder

Today I will try to extend to my fellow members the respect, patience, and courtesy that I want for myself.

“Great Spirit, help me never to judge another until I have walked in his moccasins.” ~ Sioux Indian prayer

END OF QUOTE—————————————

There’s a subtle kind of arrogance that creeps in when I forget how long my own healing has taken—and how nonlinear it still is. I can look back and see the looping spirals, the relapses not just in behavior but in thought patterns, the days when I’ve needed to tell the same story again just to hear myself say it. And in those moments, what helped wasn’t advice. It wasn’t someone telling me to snap out of it or get perspective. It was someone simply being there. Listening. Letting me be messy, repetitive, scared.

Compassion isn’t measured by how quickly I help someone “get better.” It’s measured by how willing I am to walk beside them without needing to fix, rush, or judge. Everyone’s pain has its own timeline. If I rush someone else, I’m usually avoiding something in myself.

I also hear the call in this text to give myself that same patience. No one is standing over me with a stopwatch, though sometimes my inner critic plays that role. I don’t heal on command. I don’t always learn the first—or fifth—time. But when I’m met with grace, something shifts. It opens space for real growth.

I want to practice being the kind of person I would’ve needed on my darkest day: quiet, steady, and accepting. Letting people take the time they need. Letting myself do the same.

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Endigar 953

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on May 21, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Jul 14:

I didn’t know how great a burden my guilt was until I made amends and gained release from it. I never wanted to face the harm I’d done in the past. Consequently without knowing it, I carried guilt with me most of the time. Making amends has helped me to put the past behind me and move on with a clear conscience. My self-esteem has grown ever since, and I feel much better about myself.

But I had a problem. The person I felt I owed the most amends to is no longer living. Deep in my heart I knew she had understood and forgiven me, but I could not forgive myself for the harm I had done. How could I make amends?

After much prayer and thought, I realized that I couldn’t change the past. All I could do was to change my present behavior. Now, when I feel tempted to shirk a responsibility, I can remember my friend and consider my choice. Each time I talk to a newcomer, chair a meeting, or share my story, I am making amends to my friend.

Today’s Reminder

I can’t make past wrongs disappear, but I can take actions that will help me to let them go. When I make amends, I do what I can to correct the situation. Then I can put the past in tis rightful place and leave it there.

“Let me remember that the reason for making amends is to free my own mind of uneasiness.” ~ The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage.

END OF QUOTE—————————————

My guilt meter’s broken. That’s the truth. Somewhere along the way, it got rewired by survival, by dysfunction, by patterns I didn’t ask for but learned to live with. Now it spikes when I try to set a healthy boundary, and stays silent when I hurt someone I care about. It’s not that I don’t want to do right—it’s that I don’t always know what right looks like.

I’ve been conditioned to feel guilty for things that shouldn’t even raise a flag—saying no, needing space, refusing to fold into the expectations of enmeshment just to keep the peace. Somewhere along the way, peace became about appeasement. That kind of peace is a prison.

At the same time, I can miss the moments when I genuinely fail someone—when I step on hearts, neglect responsibilities, disappear emotionally—and I feel… nothing. That’s the part that scares me. Not because I don’t care, but because I’ve lost the signal. I need help, outside myself, to even know when an amends is owed.

That’s why I have to learn—not just what I feel, but what’s actually real. I have to develop an inner compass that doesn’t just react, but discerns. That means listening when someone says, “You crossed a line.” That means learning how to respect the sacred in others—their boundaries, their needs—even when it doesn’t come naturally.

Sometimes an amends isn’t just personal—it’s societal. My awareness can ripple outward. If I’ve been careless with one, chances are I’ve been unconscious with many. And if I want to make a living amends, I need to walk differently through the world. More awake. More accountable. More human.

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Endigar 952

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , on May 20, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Jul 13:

How many days of my life have I wasted? I missed the joys of my children’s early years because I was preoccupied with the alcoholic. I rejected overtures of friendship from co-workers so that I could fret uninterrupted about what was bothering me. Not once during those days did I think about my right to enjoy the day.

Al-Anon has led me to see that i have choices, especially about my attitudes. I don’t have to see my life as a tragedy or torment myself with past mistakes or future worries. Today can be the focus of my life. It is filled with interesting activities if I allow myself to see it with a spirit of wonder. When my worries and sorrows cloak me, the laughter and sunshine of the everyday world seem inappropriate to the way I feel. Who is out of sync-the rest of the world or me?

Today’s Reminder

Today I will live in the present and find what I can to enjoy there. If there is pain, I will accept that too. But my pain does not have to completely overshadow the enjoyable parts of my reality. I will participate in making more of my joy: I may join in a conversation at work or at a meeting, tell a joke at the dinner table, or laugh with a friend. Just for today, I might even allow myself to sing.

“Look to this Day! For it is Life, the very Life of Life.” ~ From the Sanskrit Salutation of the Dawn

END OF QUOTE—————————————

I do think there is another way to living life that isn’t lost in the paralysis of analysis. I’m beginning to understand that I have choices—even in the smallest moments. I get to decide how I see my life. I can stay buried under regret and anxiety, or I can gently shift my gaze to now—to this breath, this cup of coffee, this bit of birdsong outside the window.

The truth is, when I’m cloaked in old pain or present fear, joy feels like an intruder. I want to swat it away because it doesn’t match the story I’m living. But maybe the story is overdue for a rewrite. Maybe it’s okay to let in a little sunshine, even if there are still clouds. Maybe I’m allowed to laugh without guilt, to sing off-key in the car, to tell a silly story and be heard. Just for today.

It’s not denial—it’s a deeper kind of honesty. One that acknowledges pain, but also makes room for joy. That says: I don’t need to earn happiness. I only need to receive it.

I’ll try. I’ll take part in my life. I’ll show up in small ways. A smile. A kind word. A practical joke in the bathroom. I might even rehearse Joni Mitchell’s song, Both Sides Now.

Maybe I’m finally learning to tune in to the world of the giggling grope.

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Endigar 951

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , on May 19, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Jul 12:

Tradition Five talks about “encouraging and understanding our alcoholic relatives.” This puzzled me at first. After all, doesn’t Al-Anon teach us to focus on ourselves? It seemed to be a contradiction.

Maybe the reason for my confusion is that I tended to think in extremes. Either I focused on myself and separated myself completely from the lives of others, or I wrapped myself around those others until I lost myself. Al-Anon helps me to come back to center.

O can focus on myself and still be a loving, caring person. I can have compassion for loved ones who suffer from the disease of alcoholism, or its effects, without losing my sense of self. Encouraging and being kind to others is one way of being good to myself, and I don’t have to sacrifice myself in the process.

Today’s Reminder

I am learning how to have saner and more loving relationships. Today I will offer support for those I love and still take care of myself.

“If you would be loved, love and be lovable.” ~ Benjamin Franklin

END OF QUOTE—————————————

Al-Anon Tradition Five: Each Al‑Anon Family Group has but one purpose: to help families of alcoholics. We do this by practicing the Twelve Steps of AA ourselves, by encouraging and understanding our alcoholic relatives, and by welcoming and giving comfort to families of alcoholics.

I’d come to Al-Anon to break the habit of orbiting around someone else’s chaos. How do I prevent the betrayal of the boundaries I was just starting to build if any part of the program points me back toward my qualifying alcoholic or addict?

But the deeper I walked this path, the more I found it to be true that much of my thinking was shaped by all-or-nothing patterns. For years, I believed I had only two choices: either detach completely and build a fortress, or sacrifice my own peace to keep someone else from crumbling. There was no middle ground.

Al-Anon has taught me that there is a middle ground. And it’s sacred.

Encouraging and understanding someone doesn’t mean enabling or losing myself. It means seeing them with clearer eyes—through the lens of compassion rather than control. It means recognizing the disease and its impact, but no longer letting it dictate how I live my life.

Today, I can show up with kindness without collapsing into old roles. I can say, I see your pain, without trying to fix it. I can support you, and still tend to my own soul.

This isn’t a contradiction. It’s a balancing act—a living dance between self-care and love, between detachment and connection. And every time I choose to stand in that space, I take another step toward the person I’m becoming: saner, softer, stronger.

I desire to walk in both truth and tenderness. I will care for others without abandoning myself.

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Endigar 950

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on May 19, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Jul 11:

It seems to me that many of us deal with our anger in inappropriate ways. Denying it, we stuff it, or we go off in fury, directing the feelings outward. I, for one, opt for avoidance of any conflict, and then I turn into a doormat.

The Al-Anon program encourages me to acknowledge my feelings and to be responsible for how I express them. The problem is not that I get angry, but that I do not know how to direct my anger appropriately.

Lately, when I feel like hitting somebody, I take my pillow and beat the daylights out of my bed. When I want to wipe someone out, I attack my dirty oven. I try to release my anger as soon as I can so that I won’t build resentments that will be harder to get rid of later.

I’m learning to communicate my anger too. I may not do it gracefully, and my words may not be well received. It means facing the awful discomfort called conflict, but I can’t run away any more.

Today’s Reminder

Feeling our feelings is one important part of the recovery process. Learning how to balance feelings with appropriate action is another.

“When angry, count ten before you speak; if very angry, an hundred.” ~ Thomas Jefferson

END OF QUOTE—————————————

I relate deeply to the image of becoming a doormat. When I avoid conflict to keep the peace, I’m not really at peace—I’m just disappearing. And each time I do that, I lose a little more of my own voice. The truth is, I wasn’t avoiding conflict—I was avoiding being real. And if I am not careful, the recovery goal of finding serenity in order to grow spiritually might become another voice directing me to forget my humanity, to become comfortably numb like an addict to religious pretention.

What I appreciate about the Al-Anon perspective here is its gentleness. It gives me permission to feel the anger without making it wrong. Anger, when acknowledged and respected, can be a compass. It tells me something’s not okay. It tells me I need to set a boundary, speak a truth, or take action.

I’m also learning that expressing anger doesn’t have to mean exploding. Sometimes it just means saying, “That hurt,” or “I’m not okay with this,” even if my voice shakes or I say it clumsily. Recovery isn’t about being perfect—it’s about showing up, feeling my feelings, and staying in relationship with myself and others, even when it’s uncomfortable.

I’m still growing in this. But I believe it is an act of genuine living to feeling the feelings and learning how to act on them in a way that honors my healing—that’s where the freedom lives.

NOTE: I recommend watching both Inside Out movies on processing emotions. They are so good at providing a simple parable for a complex process.

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Endigar 949

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on May 18, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Jul 10:

As a result of our exposure to alcoholism, many of us lose perspective on who we are and what we can and cannot do. We accept ideas about our own limitations that have no basis in reality. Al-Anon helps us to sort out the truth from the falsehoods by encouraging us to take a fresh, objective look at ourselves.

I had always been told that I had a weak constitution and had to avoid excitement and overexertion. Believing this, I avoided exercise, sports, certain jobs, and even dancing, sur that my poor weak body couldn’t handle the strain. My most frequent response to any invitation was, “I can’t.”

In Al-Anon I realized that I had a distorted self-image. I had never thought to question my beliefs, but when I took a good look, I discovered that they were untrue. I am as fit as anyone I know. I began to wonder how many other false assumptions were limiting me. A whole new way of life opened up because I had the support and encouragement to take a fresh look at myself.

Today’s Reminder

I won’t let old, limiting ideas and doubts go unchallenged. I may discover strengths and talents that never had the chance to come to light. Today, be letting go of obsolete ideas, I have an opportunity to learn something wonderful about myself.

“Argue for you limitations, and sure enough, they’re yours.” ~ Richard Bach

END OF QUOTE—————————————

Recovery didn’t rip the veil off of my hidden fears all at once. It gently invited me to look again. Al-Anon gave me the eyes to see—maybe for the first time—that so much of what I believed about myself wasn’t me. It was a story I inherited. A limiting belief dressed up as truth.

When I challenged that belief—when I asked, Is this really true?—I found a stronger version of myself waiting underneath. I’m not broken. I’m not fragile. I am able. And now that I know that, I can’t un-know it.

This process isn’t just about proving I can run or dance or show up. It’s about reclaiming what’s been mine all along: my right to experience life fully. The cost of false beliefs is high—it’s a life unlived. And I’ve paid enough.

So today, I challenge whatever tells me “I am done.” I notice the voice, and then I test it. If it’s not rooted in truth, I let it go. Because what I’m discovering—what I’m recovering—isn’t just capability. It’s wonder. It’s strength I never used. Joy I never dared. And parts of me I never knew existed.

I’m open. I’m willing. I’m more than I ever imagined.

And that’s enough to keep going.

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Endigar 948 ~ Facing the Whole Picture

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , on May 17, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Jul 09:

Life is a package deal. It is not enough to look only at the parts we like. It is necessary to face the whole picture so that we can make realistic choices for ourselves and stop setting ourselves up for disappointment.

Living with alcoholics, many of us coped with an ever-shifting situation in which our sense of reality changed from one minute to the next. We adapted by taking whatever part of reality suited us and ignoring the rest. Again and again we were devastated because reality didn’t go away just because it was ignored.

Our lives will remain unmanageable as long as we pretend that only half of the truth is real. That’s why sharing is such an important Al-Anon tool. When we share with other members about what is really going on, we cut through our denial and anchor ourselves in reality. While it may be difficult to face certain facts, when we allow ourselves to confront them, we cease to give our own denial the power to devastate us at every turn.

Today’s Reminder

I can’t cope with something unless I acknowledge its reality. When I am willing to look at the whole picture, I take the first step toward a more manageable life.

“If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put foundations under them.” ~ Henry David Thoreau

END OF QUOTE—————————————

There was a time when I truly believed that if I just focused hard enough on the good parts—on what was beautiful, hopeful, or momentarily peaceful—I could survive the storm. I thought I was being strong by refusing to look at the wreckage, by trying to “stay positive” no matter what. But in truth, I was only seeing half the picture. And half-truths are the breeding ground of disappointment.

Growing up in the confusion of a dysfunctional home, I learned that safety often meant selective seeing. I learned to scan the room for danger and to rewrite what I saw if it didn’t fit what I could emotionally handle. Reality became fluid, like a dream I could half-control—but always woke from in pain.

That’s what the old patterns taught me: that denial was a form of protection. But recovery has shown me something deeper. Denial, while it may have served a purpose once, eventually becomes the architect of chaos. It creates a life built on shaky ground—where the truth shows up like an earthquake and knocks everything down.

When I choose to share honestly with others in recovery, something sacred happens. I align myself with the whole truth—not just the glittering parts, but the aching, unfinished, frightening pieces too. In that sharing, I reclaim my footing. I ground myself in what is, not just what I wish could be. I don’t have to carry the burden alone. I don’t have to fear reality. I can let it teach me.

Today, I choose to see it all. The beauty and the heartbreak, the joy and the shadow dragons. I let the whole picture guide my next right step. Because only in truth can my life become manageable. Only in truth can I become free.

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Endigar 947

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , on May 16, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Jul 08:

I remember, as a child, climbing trees to better observe a nest of baby birds, and lying on my back wondering what it would be like to fall into a sky full of clouds. I still have deeply spiritual feelings when I am out in nature, and today I think I know why.

One of Al-Anon’s basic principles is living “One Day at a Time,” and nature surrounds me with wonderful role models.

Trees don’t sit around and worry about forest fires. The water in the pond doesn’t fret over turbulence it encountered a few miles upstream. And I have never seen a butterfly pry into the affairs of its fellows. All of creation is going about the business of living. If I keep my eyes open, I can learn to do the same.

Today’s Reminder

A great deal can be learned as a result of painful circumstances, but they are not my only teachers. I live in a world full of wonders. Today I will pay attention to their gentle wisdom.

“I discovered the secret of the sea in medication upon a dewdrop.” ~ Kahlil Gabran

END OF QUOTE—————————————

I have a deep remembering—not just of the past, but of the subtle, ongoing effort to reconcile instinct with awareness. The image of the baby birds, helpless before my curious intrusion, becomes a mirror of my own early confrontation with power: the power to stir need, to disrupt peace, to witness suffering and feel both removed and implicated. That memory isn’t simply morbid—it’s sacred in its honesty. I met futility as a child and didn’t flinch. I’m still meeting it today, but now, I’m meeting it with grace.

My connection to nature feels like a form of spiritual kinship with things that do not lie to themselves. Trees, water, butterflies—they live without commentary. They do not resist their condition; they embody it. And in doing so, they model something for us that isn’t weakness or apathy—it’s surrender with integrity. I’m not aspiring to become passive, but to become peaceful in my own presence. And that’s a sacred form of strength.

In Al-Anon’s wisdom of “One Day at a Time,” I’ve found something the clouds were already whispering to me as a child: that time isn’t a ladder we use to climb out of pain, but an atmosphere we live inside—moment to moment. We float, not fall, when we release our grip.

And I want to underline the idea I see so clearly: pain is a teacher, but not the only one. Beauty teaches. Stillness teaches. Mystery, with all its quiet indifference, teaches. And all around me, the world continues its slow, instinctual choreography—offering its passive wisdom to anyone willing to pause and see.

Today, may your breath be soft. May your thoughts be clouds that come and go. And may your heart, so full of memory and meaning, remember that you are not alone. The whole forest is praying in silence with you. Remember who you are.

“When I was a child, I caught a fleeting glimpse, out of the corner of my eye.” ~ Pink Floyd

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Endigar 946

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , on May 16, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Jul 07:

I thought that in every conflict, in every confrontation, someone was invariably at fault. It was essential to assign blame and I would stew for hours weighing the evidence. I became a chronic scorekeeper. Because I approached every situation with this attitude, I was consumed by guilt and anger. Defensive and anxious, I made sure my own back was always covered.

Al-Anon helps me understand that disputes come up even when everyone is doing their best. Obsessively reviewing everyone’s behavior focuses my attention where it doesn’t belong and keeps me too busy to have any serenity. Instead, I can consider the part I have played. If I have made mistakes, I am free to make amends.

Today I know that conflict is not necessarily an indication that someone is wrong. Difficulties may just arise. Sometimes people simply disagree.

Today’s Reminder

Today I accept that each life has its share of conflict. It is not my job to document every such incident. Instead of wringing my hands and pointing my finger, I can consider the possibility that everything is happening exactly as it should. Sometimes, blame is just an excuse to keep busy so that I don’t have to feel the discomfort of my powerlessness.

“The mind grows by what it feeds on.” ~ Josiah G. Holland

END OF QUOTE—————————————

I feel the echo of my old patterns: the scanning, the obsessing, the endless mental courtroom where I played prosecutor, defense attorney, and judge. For a long time, I couldn’t imagine a conflict without a culprit. If something hurt, someone had to be guilty. And if I couldn’t make someone else carry it, I carried it myself. Guilt and blame became a rhythm, a heartbeat under everything.

But recovery has been asking me to let go of the scoreboard.

Al-Anon reminds me: not every tension needs a villain. Not every disagreement signals failure. Some pain is just life brushing up against itself. Some moments aren’t mine to solve or prevent—they’re mine to breathe through. That’s uncomfortable. Powerlessness is uncomfortable.

Maybe I’m learning to rest my mind. Is it possible that I can ask: What’s mine? What’s not? I can trust that reality unfolds whether I micromanage it or not. That doesn’t make me passive—it makes me sane. It makes me present.

Conflict can be a teacher, not a threat. Discomfort can be a passage, not a punishment.

And when I remember that, I’m free to walk in honesty, not hypervigilance. To show up with grace, not guilt. To be part of the world, not the referee of it.

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