Archive for mental-health

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Endigar 953

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on May 21, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Jul 14:

I didn’t know how great a burden my guilt was until I made amends and gained release from it. I never wanted to face the harm I’d done in the past. Consequently without knowing it, I carried guilt with me most of the time. Making amends has helped me to put the past behind me and move on with a clear conscience. My self-esteem has grown ever since, and I feel much better about myself.

But I had a problem. The person I felt I owed the most amends to is no longer living. Deep in my heart I knew she had understood and forgiven me, but I could not forgive myself for the harm I had done. How could I make amends?

After much prayer and thought, I realized that I couldn’t change the past. All I could do was to change my present behavior. Now, when I feel tempted to shirk a responsibility, I can remember my friend and consider my choice. Each time I talk to a newcomer, chair a meeting, or share my story, I am making amends to my friend.

Today’s Reminder

I can’t make past wrongs disappear, but I can take actions that will help me to let them go. When I make amends, I do what I can to correct the situation. Then I can put the past in tis rightful place and leave it there.

“Let me remember that the reason for making amends is to free my own mind of uneasiness.” ~ The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage.

END OF QUOTE—————————————

My guilt meter’s broken. That’s the truth. Somewhere along the way, it got rewired by survival, by dysfunction, by patterns I didn’t ask for but learned to live with. Now it spikes when I try to set a healthy boundary, and stays silent when I hurt someone I care about. It’s not that I don’t want to do right—it’s that I don’t always know what right looks like.

I’ve been conditioned to feel guilty for things that shouldn’t even raise a flag—saying no, needing space, refusing to fold into the expectations of enmeshment just to keep the peace. Somewhere along the way, peace became about appeasement. That kind of peace is a prison.

At the same time, I can miss the moments when I genuinely fail someone—when I step on hearts, neglect responsibilities, disappear emotionally—and I feel… nothing. That’s the part that scares me. Not because I don’t care, but because I’ve lost the signal. I need help, outside myself, to even know when an amends is owed.

That’s why I have to learn—not just what I feel, but what’s actually real. I have to develop an inner compass that doesn’t just react, but discerns. That means listening when someone says, “You crossed a line.” That means learning how to respect the sacred in others—their boundaries, their needs—even when it doesn’t come naturally.

Sometimes an amends isn’t just personal—it’s societal. My awareness can ripple outward. If I’ve been careless with one, chances are I’ve been unconscious with many. And if I want to make a living amends, I need to walk differently through the world. More awake. More accountable. More human.

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Endigar 952

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , on May 20, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Jul 13:

How many days of my life have I wasted? I missed the joys of my children’s early years because I was preoccupied with the alcoholic. I rejected overtures of friendship from co-workers so that I could fret uninterrupted about what was bothering me. Not once during those days did I think about my right to enjoy the day.

Al-Anon has led me to see that i have choices, especially about my attitudes. I don’t have to see my life as a tragedy or torment myself with past mistakes or future worries. Today can be the focus of my life. It is filled with interesting activities if I allow myself to see it with a spirit of wonder. When my worries and sorrows cloak me, the laughter and sunshine of the everyday world seem inappropriate to the way I feel. Who is out of sync-the rest of the world or me?

Today’s Reminder

Today I will live in the present and find what I can to enjoy there. If there is pain, I will accept that too. But my pain does not have to completely overshadow the enjoyable parts of my reality. I will participate in making more of my joy: I may join in a conversation at work or at a meeting, tell a joke at the dinner table, or laugh with a friend. Just for today, I might even allow myself to sing.

“Look to this Day! For it is Life, the very Life of Life.” ~ From the Sanskrit Salutation of the Dawn

END OF QUOTE—————————————

I do think there is another way to living life that isn’t lost in the paralysis of analysis. I’m beginning to understand that I have choices—even in the smallest moments. I get to decide how I see my life. I can stay buried under regret and anxiety, or I can gently shift my gaze to now—to this breath, this cup of coffee, this bit of birdsong outside the window.

The truth is, when I’m cloaked in old pain or present fear, joy feels like an intruder. I want to swat it away because it doesn’t match the story I’m living. But maybe the story is overdue for a rewrite. Maybe it’s okay to let in a little sunshine, even if there are still clouds. Maybe I’m allowed to laugh without guilt, to sing off-key in the car, to tell a silly story and be heard. Just for today.

It’s not denial—it’s a deeper kind of honesty. One that acknowledges pain, but also makes room for joy. That says: I don’t need to earn happiness. I only need to receive it.

I’ll try. I’ll take part in my life. I’ll show up in small ways. A smile. A kind word. A practical joke in the bathroom. I might even rehearse Joni Mitchell’s song, Both Sides Now.

Maybe I’m finally learning to tune in to the world of the giggling grope.

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Endigar 951

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , on May 19, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Jul 12:

Tradition Five talks about “encouraging and understanding our alcoholic relatives.” This puzzled me at first. After all, doesn’t Al-Anon teach us to focus on ourselves? It seemed to be a contradiction.

Maybe the reason for my confusion is that I tended to think in extremes. Either I focused on myself and separated myself completely from the lives of others, or I wrapped myself around those others until I lost myself. Al-Anon helps me to come back to center.

O can focus on myself and still be a loving, caring person. I can have compassion for loved ones who suffer from the disease of alcoholism, or its effects, without losing my sense of self. Encouraging and being kind to others is one way of being good to myself, and I don’t have to sacrifice myself in the process.

Today’s Reminder

I am learning how to have saner and more loving relationships. Today I will offer support for those I love and still take care of myself.

“If you would be loved, love and be lovable.” ~ Benjamin Franklin

END OF QUOTE—————————————

Al-Anon Tradition Five: Each Al‑Anon Family Group has but one purpose: to help families of alcoholics. We do this by practicing the Twelve Steps of AA ourselves, by encouraging and understanding our alcoholic relatives, and by welcoming and giving comfort to families of alcoholics.

I’d come to Al-Anon to break the habit of orbiting around someone else’s chaos. How do I prevent the betrayal of the boundaries I was just starting to build if any part of the program points me back toward my qualifying alcoholic or addict?

But the deeper I walked this path, the more I found it to be true that much of my thinking was shaped by all-or-nothing patterns. For years, I believed I had only two choices: either detach completely and build a fortress, or sacrifice my own peace to keep someone else from crumbling. There was no middle ground.

Al-Anon has taught me that there is a middle ground. And it’s sacred.

Encouraging and understanding someone doesn’t mean enabling or losing myself. It means seeing them with clearer eyes—through the lens of compassion rather than control. It means recognizing the disease and its impact, but no longer letting it dictate how I live my life.

Today, I can show up with kindness without collapsing into old roles. I can say, I see your pain, without trying to fix it. I can support you, and still tend to my own soul.

This isn’t a contradiction. It’s a balancing act—a living dance between self-care and love, between detachment and connection. And every time I choose to stand in that space, I take another step toward the person I’m becoming: saner, softer, stronger.

I desire to walk in both truth and tenderness. I will care for others without abandoning myself.

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Endigar 950

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on May 19, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Jul 11:

It seems to me that many of us deal with our anger in inappropriate ways. Denying it, we stuff it, or we go off in fury, directing the feelings outward. I, for one, opt for avoidance of any conflict, and then I turn into a doormat.

The Al-Anon program encourages me to acknowledge my feelings and to be responsible for how I express them. The problem is not that I get angry, but that I do not know how to direct my anger appropriately.

Lately, when I feel like hitting somebody, I take my pillow and beat the daylights out of my bed. When I want to wipe someone out, I attack my dirty oven. I try to release my anger as soon as I can so that I won’t build resentments that will be harder to get rid of later.

I’m learning to communicate my anger too. I may not do it gracefully, and my words may not be well received. It means facing the awful discomfort called conflict, but I can’t run away any more.

Today’s Reminder

Feeling our feelings is one important part of the recovery process. Learning how to balance feelings with appropriate action is another.

“When angry, count ten before you speak; if very angry, an hundred.” ~ Thomas Jefferson

END OF QUOTE—————————————

I relate deeply to the image of becoming a doormat. When I avoid conflict to keep the peace, I’m not really at peace—I’m just disappearing. And each time I do that, I lose a little more of my own voice. The truth is, I wasn’t avoiding conflict—I was avoiding being real. And if I am not careful, the recovery goal of finding serenity in order to grow spiritually might become another voice directing me to forget my humanity, to become comfortably numb like an addict to religious pretention.

What I appreciate about the Al-Anon perspective here is its gentleness. It gives me permission to feel the anger without making it wrong. Anger, when acknowledged and respected, can be a compass. It tells me something’s not okay. It tells me I need to set a boundary, speak a truth, or take action.

I’m also learning that expressing anger doesn’t have to mean exploding. Sometimes it just means saying, “That hurt,” or “I’m not okay with this,” even if my voice shakes or I say it clumsily. Recovery isn’t about being perfect—it’s about showing up, feeling my feelings, and staying in relationship with myself and others, even when it’s uncomfortable.

I’m still growing in this. But I believe it is an act of genuine living to feeling the feelings and learning how to act on them in a way that honors my healing—that’s where the freedom lives.

NOTE: I recommend watching both Inside Out movies on processing emotions. They are so good at providing a simple parable for a complex process.

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Endigar 949

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on May 18, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Jul 10:

As a result of our exposure to alcoholism, many of us lose perspective on who we are and what we can and cannot do. We accept ideas about our own limitations that have no basis in reality. Al-Anon helps us to sort out the truth from the falsehoods by encouraging us to take a fresh, objective look at ourselves.

I had always been told that I had a weak constitution and had to avoid excitement and overexertion. Believing this, I avoided exercise, sports, certain jobs, and even dancing, sur that my poor weak body couldn’t handle the strain. My most frequent response to any invitation was, “I can’t.”

In Al-Anon I realized that I had a distorted self-image. I had never thought to question my beliefs, but when I took a good look, I discovered that they were untrue. I am as fit as anyone I know. I began to wonder how many other false assumptions were limiting me. A whole new way of life opened up because I had the support and encouragement to take a fresh look at myself.

Today’s Reminder

I won’t let old, limiting ideas and doubts go unchallenged. I may discover strengths and talents that never had the chance to come to light. Today, be letting go of obsolete ideas, I have an opportunity to learn something wonderful about myself.

“Argue for you limitations, and sure enough, they’re yours.” ~ Richard Bach

END OF QUOTE—————————————

Recovery didn’t rip the veil off of my hidden fears all at once. It gently invited me to look again. Al-Anon gave me the eyes to see—maybe for the first time—that so much of what I believed about myself wasn’t me. It was a story I inherited. A limiting belief dressed up as truth.

When I challenged that belief—when I asked, Is this really true?—I found a stronger version of myself waiting underneath. I’m not broken. I’m not fragile. I am able. And now that I know that, I can’t un-know it.

This process isn’t just about proving I can run or dance or show up. It’s about reclaiming what’s been mine all along: my right to experience life fully. The cost of false beliefs is high—it’s a life unlived. And I’ve paid enough.

So today, I challenge whatever tells me “I am done.” I notice the voice, and then I test it. If it’s not rooted in truth, I let it go. Because what I’m discovering—what I’m recovering—isn’t just capability. It’s wonder. It’s strength I never used. Joy I never dared. And parts of me I never knew existed.

I’m open. I’m willing. I’m more than I ever imagined.

And that’s enough to keep going.

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Endigar 948 ~ Facing the Whole Picture

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , on May 17, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Jul 09:

Life is a package deal. It is not enough to look only at the parts we like. It is necessary to face the whole picture so that we can make realistic choices for ourselves and stop setting ourselves up for disappointment.

Living with alcoholics, many of us coped with an ever-shifting situation in which our sense of reality changed from one minute to the next. We adapted by taking whatever part of reality suited us and ignoring the rest. Again and again we were devastated because reality didn’t go away just because it was ignored.

Our lives will remain unmanageable as long as we pretend that only half of the truth is real. That’s why sharing is such an important Al-Anon tool. When we share with other members about what is really going on, we cut through our denial and anchor ourselves in reality. While it may be difficult to face certain facts, when we allow ourselves to confront them, we cease to give our own denial the power to devastate us at every turn.

Today’s Reminder

I can’t cope with something unless I acknowledge its reality. When I am willing to look at the whole picture, I take the first step toward a more manageable life.

“If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put foundations under them.” ~ Henry David Thoreau

END OF QUOTE—————————————

There was a time when I truly believed that if I just focused hard enough on the good parts—on what was beautiful, hopeful, or momentarily peaceful—I could survive the storm. I thought I was being strong by refusing to look at the wreckage, by trying to “stay positive” no matter what. But in truth, I was only seeing half the picture. And half-truths are the breeding ground of disappointment.

Growing up in the confusion of a dysfunctional home, I learned that safety often meant selective seeing. I learned to scan the room for danger and to rewrite what I saw if it didn’t fit what I could emotionally handle. Reality became fluid, like a dream I could half-control—but always woke from in pain.

That’s what the old patterns taught me: that denial was a form of protection. But recovery has shown me something deeper. Denial, while it may have served a purpose once, eventually becomes the architect of chaos. It creates a life built on shaky ground—where the truth shows up like an earthquake and knocks everything down.

When I choose to share honestly with others in recovery, something sacred happens. I align myself with the whole truth—not just the glittering parts, but the aching, unfinished, frightening pieces too. In that sharing, I reclaim my footing. I ground myself in what is, not just what I wish could be. I don’t have to carry the burden alone. I don’t have to fear reality. I can let it teach me.

Today, I choose to see it all. The beauty and the heartbreak, the joy and the shadow dragons. I let the whole picture guide my next right step. Because only in truth can my life become manageable. Only in truth can I become free.

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Endigar 946

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , on May 16, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Jul 07:

I thought that in every conflict, in every confrontation, someone was invariably at fault. It was essential to assign blame and I would stew for hours weighing the evidence. I became a chronic scorekeeper. Because I approached every situation with this attitude, I was consumed by guilt and anger. Defensive and anxious, I made sure my own back was always covered.

Al-Anon helps me understand that disputes come up even when everyone is doing their best. Obsessively reviewing everyone’s behavior focuses my attention where it doesn’t belong and keeps me too busy to have any serenity. Instead, I can consider the part I have played. If I have made mistakes, I am free to make amends.

Today I know that conflict is not necessarily an indication that someone is wrong. Difficulties may just arise. Sometimes people simply disagree.

Today’s Reminder

Today I accept that each life has its share of conflict. It is not my job to document every such incident. Instead of wringing my hands and pointing my finger, I can consider the possibility that everything is happening exactly as it should. Sometimes, blame is just an excuse to keep busy so that I don’t have to feel the discomfort of my powerlessness.

“The mind grows by what it feeds on.” ~ Josiah G. Holland

END OF QUOTE—————————————

I feel the echo of my old patterns: the scanning, the obsessing, the endless mental courtroom where I played prosecutor, defense attorney, and judge. For a long time, I couldn’t imagine a conflict without a culprit. If something hurt, someone had to be guilty. And if I couldn’t make someone else carry it, I carried it myself. Guilt and blame became a rhythm, a heartbeat under everything.

But recovery has been asking me to let go of the scoreboard.

Al-Anon reminds me: not every tension needs a villain. Not every disagreement signals failure. Some pain is just life brushing up against itself. Some moments aren’t mine to solve or prevent—they’re mine to breathe through. That’s uncomfortable. Powerlessness is uncomfortable.

Maybe I’m learning to rest my mind. Is it possible that I can ask: What’s mine? What’s not? I can trust that reality unfolds whether I micromanage it or not. That doesn’t make me passive—it makes me sane. It makes me present.

Conflict can be a teacher, not a threat. Discomfort can be a passage, not a punishment.

And when I remember that, I’m free to walk in honesty, not hypervigilance. To show up with grace, not guilt. To be part of the world, not the referee of it.

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Endigar 945

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , on May 15, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Jul 06:

So many of us come to Al-Anon feeling that we’ve gotten a raw deal from life. “It isn’t fair!” we complain. “Don’t I deserve better after all I’ve been though?” The prayer quoted in out “Just for Today” pamphlet may shed some light on this subject when it says, “Grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; . . . to be loved, as to love; for it is in giving that we receive . . . ” Instead of questioning what life is giving us, perhaps we might profit fore by asking what we ourselves can give.

By reaching out to help others in a healthy way, we move beyond our problems and lean to give unconditionally. Every moment can be an opportunity to serve, an opportunity to change our lives. Al-Anon offers us many good places to start – setting up chairs, welcoming newcomers, leading a meeting. When we discover that we really can make a positive contribution, many of us find that self-esteem has replaced self-pity.

Today’s Reminder

Today I seek to be an instrument of the peace of God. I know that it is the most loving and generous commitment I can possibly make – to myself.

“When people are serving, life is no longer meaningless.” ~ John Gardner

END OF QUOTE—————————————

There was a time I believed life owed me something. I walked into the rooms of Al-Anon with a deep ache — not just from the chaos around me, but from the belief that I was owed repair, apology, recompense. I had poured myself into relationships, into fixing, into surviving. And yet I felt empty. Betrayed. Forgotten.

But recovery has gently, patiently, and sometimes painfully, taught me that healing doesn’t come through demanding fairness. It comes through surrender. It comes when I stop keeping score — when I turn the ledger over to my Higher Power and ask: What can I give?

Serving others in small ways has reintroduced me to myself. The self I had forgotten in the shadows of other people’s dysfunction. The self who is worthy because he gives, not only when he receives. Service, in recovery, isn’t martyrdom. It’s freedom. It’s participation in a new way of life.

When I seek to be an instrument of peace — not as performance, but as practice — I begin to live in alignment with something bigger than resentment. I become more than just someone trying to survive. I become someone who contributes. Who belongs. Who is home within himself.

And that, for me, is one of the greatest gifts of this path: the slow transformation of self-pity into self-worth — one act of surrender at a time.

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Endigar 944 ~ The Gift of Compassionate Space

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on May 14, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Jul 05:

I think the word detachment is often misunderstood. For me, detachment is the freedom to own what is mine and to allow others to own what is theirs.

This freedom allows me to keep my own identity and still love, care about, and identify with the feelings of others. In fact, I believe that the degree of our humanity can be measured by our ability to know another person’s pain and joy. I have been practicing the principles of Al-Anon to the best of my abilities for a long time. But when someone in the fellowship shares about having a difficult time, I can go right back to day one. I no longer live with that type of emotional pain, but I can feel theirs. I can identify without needing to remove their pain. To me, that is an Al-Anon success story.

Today I don’t have to like everything my alcoholic loved one says or does, and I don’t have to change her, even when I think she’s wrong. I continue to learn how to care without taking everything personally.

Today’s Reminder

I can detach and still love, still feel. I can learn to take care of my own business while allowing others to tend to theirs. Today I can detach without losing compassion.

“Love your neighbor, yet pull not down your hedge.” ~ George Herbert

END OF QUOTE—————————————

There’s a kind of fear that gets baked into your bones when you grow up watching someone you love self-destruct. For me, it wasn’t just about their drinking or their choices—it was the way they lied to themselves, the way they collapsed inward and expected the world to hold them up.

That fear didn’t vanish when I grew up. It disguised itself. It came with me into adulthood, where I found myself drawn to familiar pain dressed in different clothes. I didn’t realize at first that I was recreating the same story, casting myself in the same role: the quiet savior, the one who absorbs and holds and fixes.

I have this gift—I used to call it compassion, now I know it’s more complicated. I see people deeply. I feel their ache. I want to help. But somewhere along the way, that gift boomerangs. It turns inward, sticks like tar, and pulls me into a place where love becomes sacrifice, where being needed becomes more important than being safe.

Detachment felt like a cold word to me—like a turning away, a kind of emotional shutdown. I thought if I truly cared, I had to be enmeshed. If I loved someone, I had to take on their pain, their chaos, their choices. I couldn’t tell where I ended and they began.

But Al-Anon has shown me a different way.

Detachment isn’t withdrawal—it’s freedom. It’s the grace of boundaries that let me hold onto myself and still love deeply. I no longer have to absorb another’s suffering to show I care. I can stand beside someone in their pain without losing myself in it.

Today, I know I don’t have to agree with or approve of everything my loved one says or does. I don’t have to make it okay. And I don’t have to lose myself trying to make it different. That’s not indifference—it’s clarity. It’s love with room to breathe.

Detachment has allowed me to soften, not harden. It has taught me to stop trying to rescue and start learning how to relate with respect. It has given me back my life, and with it, the ability to show up for others without vanishing in the process.

I can feel deeply, love freely, and still stand firm in my own center. That is a gift I hold with gratitude today.

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Endigar 943

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , on May 13, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Jul 04:

Tradition Three reminds me of two aspects of Al-Anon that I cherish. First, I know that I can go to a meeting anywhere in the world and expect to find no other affiliation promoted by the group. The members will not try to sell me a religion, a treatment program, a therapy, a political platform, or anything else. Should any individual in the fellowship discuss any of these with me, I am free to take what I like and leave the rest.

Second, I know that I meet the sole requirements for membership in Al-Anon: I have encountered a problem of alcoholism in a relative or friend. I do not have to dress, act, feel, speak, or work a certain way to belong, I do not have to believe or disbelieve. I am free to be myself. This is a come-as-you-are program.

Today’s Reminder

Al-Anon has come to my support – undiluted and with no strings attached – when I have needed it. I hope to pass it on in the same spirit.

“Tradition Three explains two ways in which my Al-Anon friends and I can keep it simple. One is to avoid being diverted from our program by others, and two is to welcome into Al-Anon anyone who is suffering from the effects of another’s alcoholism.” ~ Al-Anon’s Twelve Steps & Twelve Traditions

END OF QUOTE—————————————

Al-Anon Tradition Three: The relatives of alcoholics, when gathered together for mutual aid, may call themselves an Al‑Anon Family Group, provided that, as a group, they have no other affiliation.  The only requirement for membership is that there be a problem of alcoholism in a relative or friend.

Reading Tradition Three through the lens of my own journey, I’m reminded how crucial simplicity and clarity have been in my healing. There’s a quiet relief in knowing I don’t have to qualify myself beyond what I’ve already lived. The pain I carried from someone else’s drinking was more than enough to earn me a seat. That’s it. That’s all. And that is everything.

The first part of the Tradition reassures me that this fellowship doesn’t ask for anything beyond my honesty. I don’t need to adopt a belief system, perform a role, or align with anyone’s agenda. This open-handed welcome was life-giving. I didn’t have to defend my right to be there—I could just breathe.

I’ve had people in meetings share strong opinions, and I’ve learned that Al-Anon gives me the dignity to decide what speaks to me and what doesn’t. I’m not here to be convinced—I’m here to recover. “Take what you like and leave the rest” isn’t just a slogan; it’s a lifeline for someone like me who has spent years trying to please others, fit in, or earn a place.

The second part hits home, too: I don’t have to clean myself up to belong. Al-Anon met me at my messiest—grieving, angry, confused—and said, “Welcome.” That radical inclusiveness gave me permission to begin. It taught me that healing doesn’t start when I’m fixed; it starts when I show up.

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