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Endigar 979

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on June 17, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Aug 04:

I can certainly learn from criticism, and I want to remain open to hearing what others have to say, but neither my popularity nor my ability to please those I live and work with are legitimate measures of my worth as an individual. Al-Anon helps me to recognize that I have value simply because I breathe the breath of humanity. As I gain self-esteem, I find it easier to evaluate my behavior more realistically.

The support I get in Al-Anon helps me find the courage to learn about myself. As I come to feel at home with myself and my values, my likes and dislikes, my dreams and choices, I am increasingly able to risk other people’s disapproval. I am equally able to hone others when they choose to be themselves whether or not I like what I see.

Today’s Reminder

With the help of a loving Sponsor and the support of my fellow Al-Anon members, I am learning to find my place in this world – a place where I can live with dignity and self-respect.

“I exist as I am, that is enough, if no other in the world be aware I sit content, and if each and all be aware I sit content” ~ Walt Whitman

END OF QUOTE—————————————

In the rooms of 12 Step recovery, I’m slowly unlearning a lifetime of performance—this old belief that I am only as good as what others think of me. Approval was once my oxygen. I would hold my breath, shapeshift, and contort my spirit into whatever I thought might earn a nod, a smile, or—God forbid—avoid rejection.

But recovery has given me a new breath to draw from: the breath of humanity, the truth that I have worth simply because I exist. Not because I am liked. Not because I am helpful. Not because I never upset anyone. Just because I am.

That realization didn’t land all at once. It came in small whispers—through shares that mirrored my hidden pain, through the steady voice of my Sponsor reminding me that dignity isn’t something I earn; it’s something I reclaim.

With the safety net of this fellowship, I’ve begun to risk being seen—not the curated self, but the actual self. And oddly enough, the more I become acquainted with who I really am, the less I need unanimous applause to feel okay. I can stand when others sit. I can disagree and still belong. I can love someone and let them disapprove of me.

The beauty of this journey is that it opens my hands—not just to receive love, but to offer it freely. I no longer have to hoard connection or manipulate acceptance. I can honor someone else’s path, even if it’s different from mine. I can let them be real, too.

And in moments of solitude, when there is no audience and no validation, I can whisper to the silence:

“I exist as I am, that is enough.”

And I sit content.

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Endigar 974

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , on June 12, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Aug 01:

I came to Al-Anon to discover how to get a loved one to stop drinking, hoping that my life would then return to normal. In Al-Anon I came to understand that I did not cause alcoholism, I can’t control it, and I can’t cure it. But I can apply the Twelve Step to my own life so that I can find sanity and contentment whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not. This is why, in Al-Anon, the focus must be on me.

I soon discovered that I had problems of my own that needed attention: I had undergone some unhealthy changes as I attempted to cope with the disease of alcoholism. These changes had occurred to slowly and subtly that I had not been aware of them. I shared openly about this in Al-Anon meetings and became willing to let go of attitudes that no longer seemed appropriate. With the help of my Higher Power, I began to she self-destructive habits. In time I felt I had regained my true self. I began to grow again.

Today’s Reminder

I do not respond well when someone tries to impose their will on me; why have I tried to impose my will on those around me? There is only one person I am responsible for, and that is me. There is only one person who can make my life as full as possible – that, too, is me.

“Today I will keep hands off and keep my focus where it belongs, on me.” ~ . . . In All Our Affairs

END OF QUOTE—————————————

When I first came to Al-Anon, I was bargaining with God.

Just help them gain sobriety and sanity. Then everything can go back to normal.
That was my silent prayer. That was my illusion.

But recovery, like truth, does not bargain. It gently dismantles the scaffolding of denial, one beam at a time, until I’m standing alone in the clearing. And there, I saw it:
The obsession to solve life with chemicals wasn’t the only problem.
I had changed, too.

I had become someone I didn’t recognize—tensed up, hyper-vigilant, consumed with fixing, managing, anticipating. I thought I was helping. I thought I was strong. But I was bending in ways that were breaking me.

Al-Anon didn’t offer me a formula for saving anyone else. It offered me a mirror. And for the first time, I looked into it not to judge, but to see—with honesty, with humility, and eventually… with grace.

That’s when the shift began.

Not overnight. But in layers. Like molting skin, old habits and roles began to slough off. In Something simpler emerged.
Something closer to the me I had misplaced.

And I began to grow again.

That phrase—the focus must be on me—used to sound selfish. Now I know it’s sacred. Not because others don’t matter, but because I do. Because sanity and serenity can’t grow in soil poisoned by control and codependence.

And here’s the hard truth I’ve had to face in Step Work and in silence:
I don’t respond well when someone tries to impose their will on me.
So why did I believe it was love to do that to someone else?

I let go. Not with bitterness, but with reverence. I keep my hands off other people’s journeys and place them gently on my own heart. That is my territory. That is my sacred ground.

Because there is only one soul I am truly responsible for. And when I take that responsibility seriously—not as burden, but as blessing—I become whole again.

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Endigar 972

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on June 10, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Jul 30:

I’ve often heard that happiness is an inside job, and, much of the time, I can be as happy as I diced to be. Yet I have often found happiness fleeting. I know it’s unrealistic to expect to be happy all the time, but I think I might achieve this goal much more often if I made a firmer commitment to my decision to be happy. Instead, I choose happiness and then abandon my choice at the first sign of trouble. How deep can my commitment be if I all eve slight obstacles to rob me of my sense of well-being?

Commitment takes work; it is a discipline. When I make a decision, I must ask myself what I really want and if I am willing to work for it. Old habits are hard to break. If i have a long-standing habit of responding to problems by feeling like a helpless victim, it may not be easy to stand by my decision to be happy. A change of attitude sometimes helps: Perhaps I can look at problems as opportunities to commit more deeply to my choices. In other words, every obstacle can prompt me to assert that I really mean it – I do want to be happy.

Today’s Reminder

When I make a choice and then stick with it, I teach myself that my choices do have meaning and I am worthy of trust. I have an opportunity to make a commitment to one of my choices today.

“Our very life depends on everything’s recurring till we answer from within.” ~ Robert Frost

END OF QUOTE—————————————

Sometimes I think recovery asks me not just to get sober, but to get real—to start telling the truth about what I really want, and how easily I abandon it when life pokes at old wounds.

This realization hits me in the gut, because I have chosen happiness before. I’ve whispered it in prayers, journaled it into affirmations, even tried to fake it till I made it. But under stress, I still default to that familiar old posture: the slumped shoulders of the victim, the inner narrative that says, “See? Nothing good lasts.”

But I don’t want to live like that anymore. That’s why I show up to meetings. That’s why I inventory. That’s why I pray.

Because happiness, for me, isn’t about getting what I want—it’s about learning to want what I’ve got. To bless it. To be in right relationship with my life, even when it’s inconvenient or painful or just plain boring.

And yeah—it takes commitment. Real, grown-ass, spiritual discipline. Not because I’m trying to be perfect, but because I’m trying to be free.

And every time I choose to recommit—to this path, to my recovery, to the decision to live awake—I remind myself:
I am not powerless over my own response.
I am not the victim of every passing emotion.
I am not who I used to be.

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Endigar 968

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on June 3, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Jul 26:

I am learning to identify illusions that make my life unmanageable. For example, I wanted to stop controlling people and situations, but the harder I tried, the more I felt as if I were knocking my head against a wall. Then someone mentioned that I couldn’t give up something I didn’t have. Perhaps I could try giving up the illusion of control. Once I saw that my attempts to exercise power were based on illusions, it was easier to let go and let God.

Another illusion is that I have a big hole inside and I must fill it with something from outside myself. Compulsively shopping, obsessing about relationships, trying to fix everyone else’s problems – these are some of the ways I’ve tried to fill this hole. Yet the problem is spiritual emptiness and must be filled from within. It wasn’t until I saw through the illusion that I was deficient and needed to look outside myself for wholeness, that I began to heal.


Today’s Reminder

Today, if I hear myself thinking that I am not good enough or that I need something outside myself to make me whole, I’ll know that I am listening to illusions. Today I can call an Al-Anon friend and come back to reality.

“. . . human beings, by changing the inner attitudes of their minds, can change the outer aspects of their lives.” ~ William James

END OF QUOTE—————————————

My work in recovery is not just a story of struggle—but a series of quiet turning points, points where I take a breath between battles. I take time to recognize the significance of genuine expression. I realized that any of us, myself especially, when subjected to prolonged periods of internal abuse, like the alcoholic written about in The Doctor’s Opinion, soon find that they “cannot after a time differentiate the true from the false.”

There’s a sacred power in beginning to name illusions. In early recovery, the lines between illusion and reality often blur, and the pain feels real enough to confuse the two. That’s why this moment—this realization—is profound: I couldn’t give up control because I never truly had it. That kind of truth doesn’t just land in the mind—it softens the fists we’ve kept clenched for years.

And then there’s the hole—the aching, familiar void we all try to outrun or out-buy or out-fix. I know that urge, to chase wholeness in others, in things, in saving or seducing or pleasing. But this realization reminds me that spiritual emptiness is not a flaw—it’s a calling. A whisper that we are ready to return to ourselves. Not to fill the hole with something else, but to meet the space within with light, attention, and care.

When I hear the old voices whisper: You’re not enough. You need more. Fix it fast.—I will pause. I will know this is illusion speaking. And I will return to what is real: connection. Friendship. God. And the quiet truth that I am already whole, even as I heal.

This is not the end of the work. But it is the end of the lie.

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Endigar 966

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on June 2, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Jul 25:

After years of letting people take advantage of me, I had built up quite a store of anger, resentment, and guilt by the time I found Al-Anon. So many times I wanted to bite off my tongue after saying, “Yes,” when I really wanted to say, “No.” Why did I continue to deny my own feelings just to gain someone’s approval?

As I worked the Al-Anon program, the answer became apparent: What I lacked was courage. In the Serenity Prayer I lean that courage is granted by my higher Power, so that is where I turned first. Then it was up to me to do my part. Was I willing to try to learn to say, “No,” when I meant no? Was I willing to accept that not everyone would be thrilled with this change? Was I willing to face the real me behind the people-pleasing image? Fed up with volunteering to be treated like a doormat, I squared my shoulders and answered, “Yes.”

Today’s Reminder

It is not always appropriate to reveal my every thought, especially when dealing with an active alcoholic. But do I make a conscious choice about what I say? And when it is appropriate, do I say what I mean and mean what I say? If not, why not? All I have to offer anyone is my own experience of the truth.

“There is a prince that is too great to pay for peace . . . One cannot pay the price of self-respect.” ~ Woodrow Wilson

END OF QUOTE—————————————

I know what it’s like to say “yes” when everything in me is screaming “no,” and then carry the weight of that quiet betrayal inside myself. The approval I was chasing always came at too high a price: my peace, my boundaries, my dignity.

Recovery taught me that this pattern wasn’t just about weakness—it was about survival. Somewhere along the line, I had internalized the idea that my value came from being agreeable, accommodating, small. But underneath that surface compliance, I was stockpiling rage and shame. I was afraid to be honest, because honesty might have made me look unlovable, or even worse—disposable.

When I started practicing the program, the word courage hit differently. It wasn’t a grand, dramatic thing. It was quiet. Steady. A spiritual muscle I had to learn to flex. Turning to a Higher Power helped me realize I didn’t have to conjure that courage on my own. It was something I could receive—if I was willing.

Learning to say “no” with love—not defiance, not bitterness, just clarity—has been one of the most sacred disciplines of my recovery. And letting go of the fantasy that I could please everyone freed me to meet the real version of myself. Not the one polished up for applause, but the one who breathes deeply, speaks truth, and trusts that that’s enough.

Today, I ask myself—not out of judgment, but out of care—Why am I saying this? Who is it serving? Am I betraying myself to stay in someone else’s good graces? And I remember: the truth I’ve lived through, the healing I’ve done, the boundary I draw—that’s all I have to give. That is my offering. And it’s enough.

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Endigar 963

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on May 29, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Jul 22:

Al-Anon’s Suggested Closing says that “though you may not like all of us, you’ll love us in a very special way – the same way we already love you.” In other words, every Al-Anon meeting can be an opportunity to practice placing principles above personalities. Most of us are highly aware of the personalities of people around us. Instead of getting lost in petty likes and dislikes, it is important to remember why we come to meetings. We all need each other in order to recover.

I don’t have to like everybody, but I want to look deeper to find the sprit that we share in common. Perhaps I can find peace with each person by reminding myself of those things that draw us together – a common interest, a common belief, a common goal. I will then have a resource for strength rather than a target for negative thinking. I will have placed principles about personalities.

Today’s Reminder

I will keep an open mind toward each person I encounter today. If I am ready to learn, anyone can be my teacher.

“The open door to helpful answers is communication based on love. Such communication depends on awareness of and respect for each other’s well-being and willingness to accept in another what may not measure up to our own standards and expectations.” ~ The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage

END OF QUOTE—————————————

How easy it is for my mind to fixate on personalities—on judgments, reactions, stories I tell myself about others. Especially in recovery, where emotions can run high and vulnerability is the norm, it’s tempting to let certain voices, faces, or tones distract me from why I show up. But the principles of the Twelve Steps offer me a different path—a reminder that I don’t have to like everyone, but I can still choose to love them in that deeper, spiritual sense. The same way I hope to be loved when I’m not at my best.

Love in these recovery rooms isn’t sentimental or selective. It’s a principle. It’s a practice. And it’s one I can lean on when my instincts pull me toward criticism or distance. When I shift from judging to seeking connection, everything changes. When I look for the spirit in others—not the surface—I find something in common: pain, hope, courage, a willingness to heal. And when I choose to see that, I’m not just giving someone else grace. I’m giving myself peace. I’m reminding myself that I’m not alone. That we all came here for healing, and we need each other to find it.

Even the ones I struggle with can become teachers, if I let them. That’s humbling. And liberating. I’ll try to keep the door open. I’ll try to place principles above personalities—not because it’s easy, but because it frees me. It roots me in love instead of fear. And that’s where I want to live.

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Endigar 962

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on May 28, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Jul 21:

“The people I love won’t take care of themselves, so I have to do it. How will they survive unless I . . .?” This was my thinking when I came to Al-Anon, my excuse for interfering in everyone’s business. My needs seemed so unimportant compared to the constant crises all around me. Al-Anon told me that I had other options, one of which was to let go and let God.

When I think of letting go I remind myself that there is a natural order to life – a chain of events that a Higher Power has in mind. When I let go of a situation, I allow life to unfold according to that plan. I open my mind and let other ways of thinking or behaving enter in. When I let go of another person, I am affirming their right to live their own life, to make their own choices, and to grow as they experience the results of their actions. A Higher power exists for others, as well. My obsessive interference disrupts not only my connection with them but also my connection with my own spiritual self.

Today’s Reminder

I am my top priority. By keeping the focus on myself, I let go of other people’s problems and can better cope with my own. What can I do for myself today?

“I will remind myself . . . that I am powerless over anyone else, that I can live no life but my own. Changing myself for the better is the only way I can find peace and serenity” ~ The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage

END OF QUOTE—————————————

This is the new reality I am being shown—one that I couldn’t earn by willpower, manipulation, or self-sacrifice. In my old patterns, I tried to outrun fear with control and earn love through depletion. I called it strength, but it was survival. It left me hollow, stuck in cycles that always circled back to powerlessness.

But when that scaffolding finally collapsed, I didn’t die. I opened. That moment of futility became an invitation. I started to see that my old instincts didn’t have to be the only voice in the room. I allowed in a whisper of something else. A new logic, a Higher Intelligence. Something quieter, but stronger.

Recovery isn’t about perfect behavior. It’s about finally recognizing what matters most: me. Not in a selfish or defensive way, but in the honest clarity that my life is worth protecting, nurturing, and living in alignment with truth. That I must lead with care for myself, or I have nothing real to offer anyone else.

As I release reactive living—bit by bit, sometimes painfully—I don’t become passive. I become available. I can respond from vision, not fear. From purpose, not panic. I come to trust that my life is not random, and neither is yours. A Higher Power is at work in every one of us, not just in me. And there is a rhythm, a natural order, to it all. I may not always see the pattern, but I no longer need to interrupt it. I can trust it, walk with it, even rest in it.

And so the work continues—not in striving, but in surrender. Not in proving, but in receiving. I let go, and I rise.

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Endigar 953

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on May 21, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Jul 14:

I didn’t know how great a burden my guilt was until I made amends and gained release from it. I never wanted to face the harm I’d done in the past. Consequently without knowing it, I carried guilt with me most of the time. Making amends has helped me to put the past behind me and move on with a clear conscience. My self-esteem has grown ever since, and I feel much better about myself.

But I had a problem. The person I felt I owed the most amends to is no longer living. Deep in my heart I knew she had understood and forgiven me, but I could not forgive myself for the harm I had done. How could I make amends?

After much prayer and thought, I realized that I couldn’t change the past. All I could do was to change my present behavior. Now, when I feel tempted to shirk a responsibility, I can remember my friend and consider my choice. Each time I talk to a newcomer, chair a meeting, or share my story, I am making amends to my friend.

Today’s Reminder

I can’t make past wrongs disappear, but I can take actions that will help me to let them go. When I make amends, I do what I can to correct the situation. Then I can put the past in tis rightful place and leave it there.

“Let me remember that the reason for making amends is to free my own mind of uneasiness.” ~ The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage.

END OF QUOTE—————————————

My guilt meter’s broken. That’s the truth. Somewhere along the way, it got rewired by survival, by dysfunction, by patterns I didn’t ask for but learned to live with. Now it spikes when I try to set a healthy boundary, and stays silent when I hurt someone I care about. It’s not that I don’t want to do right—it’s that I don’t always know what right looks like.

I’ve been conditioned to feel guilty for things that shouldn’t even raise a flag—saying no, needing space, refusing to fold into the expectations of enmeshment just to keep the peace. Somewhere along the way, peace became about appeasement. That kind of peace is a prison.

At the same time, I can miss the moments when I genuinely fail someone—when I step on hearts, neglect responsibilities, disappear emotionally—and I feel… nothing. That’s the part that scares me. Not because I don’t care, but because I’ve lost the signal. I need help, outside myself, to even know when an amends is owed.

That’s why I have to learn—not just what I feel, but what’s actually real. I have to develop an inner compass that doesn’t just react, but discerns. That means listening when someone says, “You crossed a line.” That means learning how to respect the sacred in others—their boundaries, their needs—even when it doesn’t come naturally.

Sometimes an amends isn’t just personal—it’s societal. My awareness can ripple outward. If I’ve been careless with one, chances are I’ve been unconscious with many. And if I want to make a living amends, I need to walk differently through the world. More awake. More accountable. More human.

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Endigar 952

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , on May 20, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Jul 13:

How many days of my life have I wasted? I missed the joys of my children’s early years because I was preoccupied with the alcoholic. I rejected overtures of friendship from co-workers so that I could fret uninterrupted about what was bothering me. Not once during those days did I think about my right to enjoy the day.

Al-Anon has led me to see that i have choices, especially about my attitudes. I don’t have to see my life as a tragedy or torment myself with past mistakes or future worries. Today can be the focus of my life. It is filled with interesting activities if I allow myself to see it with a spirit of wonder. When my worries and sorrows cloak me, the laughter and sunshine of the everyday world seem inappropriate to the way I feel. Who is out of sync-the rest of the world or me?

Today’s Reminder

Today I will live in the present and find what I can to enjoy there. If there is pain, I will accept that too. But my pain does not have to completely overshadow the enjoyable parts of my reality. I will participate in making more of my joy: I may join in a conversation at work or at a meeting, tell a joke at the dinner table, or laugh with a friend. Just for today, I might even allow myself to sing.

“Look to this Day! For it is Life, the very Life of Life.” ~ From the Sanskrit Salutation of the Dawn

END OF QUOTE—————————————

I do think there is another way to living life that isn’t lost in the paralysis of analysis. I’m beginning to understand that I have choices—even in the smallest moments. I get to decide how I see my life. I can stay buried under regret and anxiety, or I can gently shift my gaze to now—to this breath, this cup of coffee, this bit of birdsong outside the window.

The truth is, when I’m cloaked in old pain or present fear, joy feels like an intruder. I want to swat it away because it doesn’t match the story I’m living. But maybe the story is overdue for a rewrite. Maybe it’s okay to let in a little sunshine, even if there are still clouds. Maybe I’m allowed to laugh without guilt, to sing off-key in the car, to tell a silly story and be heard. Just for today.

It’s not denial—it’s a deeper kind of honesty. One that acknowledges pain, but also makes room for joy. That says: I don’t need to earn happiness. I only need to receive it.

I’ll try. I’ll take part in my life. I’ll show up in small ways. A smile. A kind word. A practical joke in the bathroom. I might even rehearse Joni Mitchell’s song, Both Sides Now.

Maybe I’m finally learning to tune in to the world of the giggling grope.

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Endigar 951

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , on May 19, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Jul 12:

Tradition Five talks about “encouraging and understanding our alcoholic relatives.” This puzzled me at first. After all, doesn’t Al-Anon teach us to focus on ourselves? It seemed to be a contradiction.

Maybe the reason for my confusion is that I tended to think in extremes. Either I focused on myself and separated myself completely from the lives of others, or I wrapped myself around those others until I lost myself. Al-Anon helps me to come back to center.

O can focus on myself and still be a loving, caring person. I can have compassion for loved ones who suffer from the disease of alcoholism, or its effects, without losing my sense of self. Encouraging and being kind to others is one way of being good to myself, and I don’t have to sacrifice myself in the process.

Today’s Reminder

I am learning how to have saner and more loving relationships. Today I will offer support for those I love and still take care of myself.

“If you would be loved, love and be lovable.” ~ Benjamin Franklin

END OF QUOTE—————————————

Al-Anon Tradition Five: Each Al‑Anon Family Group has but one purpose: to help families of alcoholics. We do this by practicing the Twelve Steps of AA ourselves, by encouraging and understanding our alcoholic relatives, and by welcoming and giving comfort to families of alcoholics.

I’d come to Al-Anon to break the habit of orbiting around someone else’s chaos. How do I prevent the betrayal of the boundaries I was just starting to build if any part of the program points me back toward my qualifying alcoholic or addict?

But the deeper I walked this path, the more I found it to be true that much of my thinking was shaped by all-or-nothing patterns. For years, I believed I had only two choices: either detach completely and build a fortress, or sacrifice my own peace to keep someone else from crumbling. There was no middle ground.

Al-Anon has taught me that there is a middle ground. And it’s sacred.

Encouraging and understanding someone doesn’t mean enabling or losing myself. It means seeing them with clearer eyes—through the lens of compassion rather than control. It means recognizing the disease and its impact, but no longer letting it dictate how I live my life.

Today, I can show up with kindness without collapsing into old roles. I can say, I see your pain, without trying to fix it. I can support you, and still tend to my own soul.

This isn’t a contradiction. It’s a balancing act—a living dance between self-care and love, between detachment and connection. And every time I choose to stand in that space, I take another step toward the person I’m becoming: saner, softer, stronger.

I desire to walk in both truth and tenderness. I will care for others without abandoning myself.

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