Daily Reprieve

1:43 AM – 69%

2:15 AM – 70.4%

2:32 AM – 71.8%

2:53 AM – 73.2%

3:20 AM – 74.6%

3:49 AM – 76%

It is 12:53 am and I am at 66.2%.

The meeting tonight was reading from the 12 x 12 on the 11th step.  This is probably the only step I feel comfortable with.  It was mostly people telling that prayer and meditation works.  I have nothing significant that I remember except that I went there in a wad of anxiety and frustration and walked out feeling it is ok, everything is going to be alright.  I guess that is apart of the magic of this process.

It is 10:40 pm and I am now at 64.8%.

In the meeting tonight, the realization that I carried away was that the recovery group is unique because it is policed by the disease itself.  We don’t need a government, a leader, rules, dues, or punishments.  If I do not work the steps, if I hurt others, if I refuse to enlarge my spiritual environment – the disease will find me and kick my ass.  And I trust the other alcoholics and addicts because the disease will kick their ass as well.  It is reasonable to call individuals on their bullshit, but it is not necessary to institute religious bodies designed to control behavior.  I am therefore thankful that I have this disease.

I am going to stay around for a while.  I am finally getting restarted on my 4th step.

I was at 46.4% complete on column 4 of my resentments in Endigar 216.  I will pick-up from there.

It is 6:49am and I am now at 47.8%.

7:07am and 49.3%

7:35am and 50.7%

I stopped and went to an 8am meeting, The Buster Group, named for the Irish Pub that allowed AA to have a meeting there.  They torn down Buster’s Irish Pub, but the AA group that bares that name continues own…in another bar called Attitudes.  I love this meeting.  I am comfortable there.  The topic was on all or nothing thinking.  Some of the things that stayed with me are the following:

“When I get caught up in all or nothing thinking, I have more nothing than all.  I get overwhelmed with life and just give up.”

“When I first came into these rooms, I was a  rope pusher and a cat herder.  I wanted to fix everything.  I had to learn how to take it easy.”

For me, I know that I have to be devoted to the work, the process involved in my spiritual development.  But I surrender the results of that activity to a power greater than myself, with supreme confidence that the Higher Power is truly interested in seeing me unfold and become the contribution to the stream of life that I was meant to be.  Now back to work.

9:59 am and 52.2%.

10:20 am and I just added another resentment, worked the first 3 colums on it, and now I am at 51.4%.

10:30 am and I added yet another resentment, worked the first 3 colums on it, and now I am at 50.7%

10:40 am and 52%.  I am finished with the third of my three major resentments – religion.

11:25 am and 53.5%.

5:37 PM – 54.9%

5:52 PM – 56.3%

6:10 PM – 57.7%

6:22 PM – 59.2%

6:36 PM – 60.6%

6:45 PM – 62%

6:55 PM – 63.4%

I managed to secure my first DUI, my first ever night in jail this last weekend.  I don’t even know what to say anymore.  When I was reflecting over the nature of my disease, desperately trying to come to some kind of understanding about the terms of my life, wrestling with this HP that eludes my comprehension – this came to me:

Reality Mileposts / That which enhances your understanding of reality and life’s terms

I am seriously considering a withdrawal from the Internet.  I need to start over.  I complicate my life to the point of pure frustration.  A psychic change?  A spiritual experience?  The re-creation of my life.

If there is anything you find of value on this site, go ahead and grab it.  I am not sure when I will shut down. 

By the way, this isn’t a surrender to the disease.  I guess.  I have no intention of surrendering to alcohol.  I will do the things in recovery I know to do.  I just need some simplicity.  I complicate everything, and it doesn’t work.  I think that I am in Phase 3, moving into Phase 4.  This has to stop.

I want to apologize to those out there who might qualify as my audience.  I truly did not mean to vomit my insanity all over you.  I talked to my sponsor today, and he suggested a novel idea.  I should pray the 4th step prayer for resentments against myself.  I am a  sick man, how can I be of benefit to me.  Interesting.  I am better.  He also said act as if my Higher Power has this situation in control.  I will try.

I think I understand, after some talking with John about this whole deal.  I have been equipped with an anti-religion virus protection within, so that I will not suffer the body snatching phenomenon of the religious hi-jack.  I desire true clear substance in my spiritual walk.  I must make it to work now.

My dreams where gothic, but not disturbing.  My neck is sore.  I am tired.  And I still don’t know what happened last night.  I watched NCIS and Criminal Minds with my Father.  But I have done that plenty of times before.  Criminal Minds turned me on to Tennessee Williams quotes.  It was as if something in me was looking for an escape – this disease?  I don’t know.

I don’t know what happened when the sun went down today, but I really don’t like god.   Or maybe just the concept of god.  And now the anxiety returns.  I hate this up and down crap.  I want to bleed tonight.  To hurt until I am out of my mind with the pain.  To cut my flesh and see the red flow, and taste it.  What changed?  I missed one damn meeting and here I am.  Makes no sense.   I want to fight – I don’t care if I win or lose – just fight hard.  I want to be lost in an eternal orgy of mindless fucking.  My heart is racing.  I am going to try and get myself back into bed.  I wish war would consume this hellish peace, this place of day in day out driving in line, saying bless you when some one sneezes, walking freely not because you are safe, but because you are unimportant.  Judged by mindless manipulative drones of a world built on a system of mendacity.  The invisible carrot stick of rewards and punishments pitting us against ourselves and each other. 

I don’t want to be noticed, scrutinized, judged.  I want to be left alone.  Or do I?  I just don’t want to be drawn and quartered by significant but conflicting passions and devotions. 

Finally, a yawn.  good night.  Dammit!  it obviously isn’t a good night.  Why did I say that?  I will say simply ~ end day.

Life is an unanswered question, but let’s still believe in the dignity and importance of the question.
Tennessee Williams