Daily Reprieve

I AM FINISHED WITH THE DAMNED RESENTMENTS!  HOLY CRAP! 

I already have my fears list, just have to write it out.  And a more thorough revisit to my sexual sanity inventory.  And I will be done with this thing. 

Three mathmatical formula came to me as I was working these resentments:

1 = 12 = 1 ][ This formula shows that the realization that powerlessness is the problem and that empowerment from helping other alcoholics and addicts is the answer.

2 + 3 squared = 11 ][ Steps 2 and 3 are the gateway to the lifelong process in step 11 and is the true source of power.

4/5 + 6/7 + 8/9 = 10 ][ Steps 4 – 9 are the work horse of the program and they are consolidated and perfected in step 10.

1:43 AM – 69%

2:15 AM – 70.4%

2:32 AM – 71.8%

2:53 AM – 73.2%

3:20 AM – 74.6%

3:49 AM – 76%

It is 12:53 am and I am at 66.2%.

The meeting tonight was reading from the 12 x 12 on the 11th step.  This is probably the only step I feel comfortable with.  It was mostly people telling that prayer and meditation works.  I have nothing significant that I remember except that I went there in a wad of anxiety and frustration and walked out feeling it is ok, everything is going to be alright.  I guess that is apart of the magic of this process.

It is 10:40 pm and I am now at 64.8%.

In the meeting tonight, the realization that I carried away was that the recovery group is unique because it is policed by the disease itself.  We don’t need a government, a leader, rules, dues, or punishments.  If I do not work the steps, if I hurt others, if I refuse to enlarge my spiritual environment – the disease will find me and kick my ass.  And I trust the other alcoholics and addicts because the disease will kick their ass as well.  It is reasonable to call individuals on their bullshit, but it is not necessary to institute religious bodies designed to control behavior.  I am therefore thankful that I have this disease.

I am going to stay around for a while.  I am finally getting restarted on my 4th step.

I was at 46.4% complete on column 4 of my resentments in Endigar 216.  I will pick-up from there.

It is 6:49am and I am now at 47.8%.

7:07am and 49.3%

7:35am and 50.7%

I stopped and went to an 8am meeting, The Buster Group, named for the Irish Pub that allowed AA to have a meeting there.  They torn down Buster’s Irish Pub, but the AA group that bares that name continues own…in another bar called Attitudes.  I love this meeting.  I am comfortable there.  The topic was on all or nothing thinking.  Some of the things that stayed with me are the following:

“When I get caught up in all or nothing thinking, I have more nothing than all.  I get overwhelmed with life and just give up.”

“When I first came into these rooms, I was a  rope pusher and a cat herder.  I wanted to fix everything.  I had to learn how to take it easy.”

For me, I know that I have to be devoted to the work, the process involved in my spiritual development.  But I surrender the results of that activity to a power greater than myself, with supreme confidence that the Higher Power is truly interested in seeing me unfold and become the contribution to the stream of life that I was meant to be.  Now back to work.

9:59 am and 52.2%.

10:20 am and I just added another resentment, worked the first 3 colums on it, and now I am at 51.4%.

10:30 am and I added yet another resentment, worked the first 3 colums on it, and now I am at 50.7%

10:40 am and 52%.  I am finished with the third of my three major resentments – religion.

11:25 am and 53.5%.

5:37 PM – 54.9%

5:52 PM – 56.3%

6:10 PM – 57.7%

6:22 PM – 59.2%

6:36 PM – 60.6%

6:45 PM – 62%

6:55 PM – 63.4%

I managed to secure my first DUI, my first ever night in jail this last weekend.  I don’t even know what to say anymore.  When I was reflecting over the nature of my disease, desperately trying to come to some kind of understanding about the terms of my life, wrestling with this HP that eludes my comprehension – this came to me:

Reality Mileposts / That which enhances your understanding of reality and life’s terms

I am seriously considering a withdrawal from the Internet.  I need to start over.  I complicate my life to the point of pure frustration.  A psychic change?  A spiritual experience?  The re-creation of my life.

If there is anything you find of value on this site, go ahead and grab it.  I am not sure when I will shut down. 

By the way, this isn’t a surrender to the disease.  I guess.  I have no intention of surrendering to alcohol.  I will do the things in recovery I know to do.  I just need some simplicity.  I complicate everything, and it doesn’t work.  I think that I am in Phase 3, moving into Phase 4.  This has to stop.

I want to apologize to those out there who might qualify as my audience.  I truly did not mean to vomit my insanity all over you.  I talked to my sponsor today, and he suggested a novel idea.  I should pray the 4th step prayer for resentments against myself.  I am a  sick man, how can I be of benefit to me.  Interesting.  I am better.  He also said act as if my Higher Power has this situation in control.  I will try.

I think I understand, after some talking with John about this whole deal.  I have been equipped with an anti-religion virus protection within, so that I will not suffer the body snatching phenomenon of the religious hi-jack.  I desire true clear substance in my spiritual walk.  I must make it to work now.

My dreams where gothic, but not disturbing.  My neck is sore.  I am tired.  And I still don’t know what happened last night.  I watched NCIS and Criminal Minds with my Father.  But I have done that plenty of times before.  Criminal Minds turned me on to Tennessee Williams quotes.  It was as if something in me was looking for an escape – this disease?  I don’t know.