Daily Reprieve

From the Daily Reflections of November 14;

. . . we ask God for inspiration, an intuitive thought or a decision. We relax and take it easy. We don’t struggle.   (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 86)

I invest my time in what I truly love. Step Eleven is a discipline that allows me and my Higher Power to be together, reminding me that, with God’s help, intuition and inspiration are possible. Practice of the Step brings on selflove. In a consistent attempt to improve my conscious contact with a Higher Power, I am subtly reminded of my unhealthy past, with its patterns of grandiose thinking and false feelings of omnipotence. When I ask for the power to carry out God’s will for me, I am made aware of my powerlessness. Humility and a healthy selflove are compatible, a direct result of working Step Eleven.

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“Intuition and inspiration are possible.”  This, to me, is the kernel of living a real life.  It is all the magic I have dreamed of as a child gaining dominance in the suffocation of my adult world.  I live to connect beyond the limitations of human fear.  The more others have beyond self connections, the more powerful we all become.   Alcohol was my last hail Mary for . . . something more.  In the short run it failed me.  Ultimately it opened me to the 12 steps of the AA Fellowship and the most genuine relationship I have ever had with God, through the Gomu concept, that is, finding a God Of My Understanding.

From the Daily Reflections of November 13;

We ask especially for freedom from self-will, and are careful to make no requests for ourselves only. We may ask for ourselves, however, if others will be helped. We are careful never to pray for our own selfish ends.   (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 87)

As an active alcoholic, I allowed selfishness to run rampant in my life. I was so attached to my drinking and other selfish habits that people and moral principles came second. Now, when I pray for the good of others rather than my “own selfish ends,” I practice a discipline in letting go of selfish attachments, caring for my fellows and preparing for the day when I will be required to let go of all earthly attachments.

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“Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must, or it kills us! God makes that possible”  (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 62)

This Selfishness

What is this particular brand of selfishness that will kill the alcoholic?  It was described in detailed parables on the previous pages, but is summed up at the end of page 61 and the beginning of page 62:

“Our actor is self-centered – ego-centric, as people like to call it nowadays. He is like the retired business man who lolls in the Florida sunshine in the winter complaining of the sad state of the nation; the minister who sighs over the sins of the twentieth century; politicians and reformers who are sure all would be Utopia if the rest of the world would only behave; the outlaw safe cracker who thinks society has wronged him; and the alcoholic who has lost all and is locked up. Whatever our protestations, are not most of us concerned with ourselves, our resentments, or our self-pity?”

1.  Referring back to the parable of the Actor, his world view is all centered around himself ALONE.

2.  The Retired Businessman taking it easy in Florida petting himself, and complaining about the world he has withdrawn from.

3.  The minister whose religion creates a world of me and them, and in this distance sighs over the sins of a time and place he rejects, protected within the walls of his cathedral, Alone and Isolated.

4.  Politicians and Reformers are sure they have the correct ideals and the rest of the world is messing up their Utopian state.  They are thus separated from the very ones they propose to help.  Their ideals insure that they are Isolated and Alone, severed from day to day reality and its struggling citizens.

5.  The thief whose justifications support his crimes by saying that he is especially wronged is thus separated from the world, in a self-imposed exile, alone.

It is this Isolating Selfishness that produces all kinds of social problems.  For the alcoholic  such as myself, it will escort me into a tragic and humiliating end.

Thus our prayers should not reinforce this kind of isolated selfishness.  Turning our attention to the very real suffering of others protects us from this deadly form of isolating selfishness.  We learn to make “no requests for ourselves only” when we are developing our habits of prayer.

From the Daily Reflections of November 12;

Ask Him in your morning meditation what you can do each day for the man who is still sick.   (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 64)

For many years I pondered over God’s will for me, believing that perhaps a great destiny had been ordained for my life. After all, having been born into a specific faith, hadn’t I been told early that I was “chosen”? It finally occurred to me, as I considered the above passage, that God’s will for me was simply that I practice Step Twelve on a daily basis. Furthermore, I realized I should do this to the best of my ability. I soon learned that the practice aids me in keeping my life in the context of the day at hand.

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Set Boundaries to Your Love

When people show you their boundaries (“I can’t do this for you”), you feel rejected.  You cannot accept the fact that others are unable to do for you all that you expect from them.  You desire boundless love, boundless care, boundless giving.

Part of your struggle is to set boundaries to your own love – something you have never done.  You give whatever people ask of you, and when they ask for more, you give more, until you find yourself exhausted, used, and manipulated.  Only when you are able to set your own boundaries will you be able to acknowledge, respect, and even be grateful for the boundaries of others.

In the presence of the people you love, your needs grow and grow, until those people are so overwhelmed by your needs that they are practically forced to leave you for their own survival.

The great task is to claim yourself for yourself, so that you can contain your needs within the boundaries of yourself and hold them in the presence of those you love.  True mutuality in love requires people who possess themselves and who can give to each other while holding on to their own identities.  So, in order both to give more effectively and to be more self-contained with your needs, you must learn to set boundaries to your love.

(The Inner Voice of Love, pages 9-10)

From the Daily Reflections of November 11;

We know that God lovingly watches over us. We know that when we turn to Him, all will be well with us, here and hereafter.   (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 105)

I pray for the willingness to remember that I am a child of God, a divine soul in human form, and that my most basic and urgent life-task is to accept, know, love and nurture myself. As I accept myself, I am accepting God’s will. As I know and love myself, I am knowing and loving God. As I nurture myself I am acting on God’s guidance.

I pray for the willingness to let go of my arrogant self-criticism, and to praise God by humbly accepting and caring for myself.

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Cling to the Promise

Do not tell everyone your story.  You will only end up feeling more rejected.  People cannot give you what you long for in your heart.  The more you expect from people’s response to your experience of abandonment, the more you will feel exposed to ridicule.

You have to close yourself to the outside world so you can enter your own heart and the heart of God through your pain.  God will send to you the people with whom you can share your anguish, who can lead you closer to the true source of love.

God is faithful to God’s promises.  Before you die, you will find the acceptance and the love you crave.  It will not come in the way you expect.  It will not follow your needs and wishes.  But it will fill your heart and satisfy your deepest desire.  There is nothing to hold on to but this promise.  Everything else has been taken away from you.  Cling to that naked promise of faith.  Your faith will heal you.

(The Inner Voice of Love, page 4)

From the Daily Reflections of November 10;

Perhaps one of the greatest rewards of meditation and prayer is the sense of belonging that comes to us.   (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 105)

That’s what it is — belonging! After a session of meditation I knew that the feeling I was experiencing was a sense of belonging because I was so relaxed. I felt quieter inside, more willing to discard little irritations. I appreciated my sense of humor. What I also experience in my daily practice is the sheer pleasure of belonging to the creative flow of God’s world. How propitious for us that prayer and meditation are written right into our A.A. way of life.

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“If circumstances warrant, we ask our wives or friends to join us in morning meditation. If we belong to a religious denomination which requires a definite morning devotion, we attend to that also. If not members of religious bodies, we sometimes select and memorize a few set prayers which emphasize the principles we have been discussing. There are many helpful books also. Suggestions about these may be obtained from one’s priest, minister, or rabbi. Be quick to see where religious people are right. Make use of what they offer.”  (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 87).

I am reading a book by Henri J. M. Nouwen called the Inner Voice of Love.  It is a collection of spiritual imperatives he wrote during a particularly dark period of time in his life.  He sought seclusion, much the same as many of us have gone to treatment.  He had spiritual guides to help him work through his pain, much like many of us have had counselors and psychiatrists to aid in our recovery.  I find his words potent and they resonate powerfully.  He recommends that the reader use the book like a devotional.  In reading his words, I am a such a novice in comparison and what I provide would not be as helpful as his writings.  I will share some of these imperatives with you here while I am on the 11th step section of the Daily Reflections, and I highly recommend that you acquire a copy of the book.

Work around Your Abyss

There is a deep hole in your being, like an abyss.  You will never succeed in filling that hole, because your needs are inexhaustible.  You have to work around it so that gradually the abyss closes.

Since the hole is so enormous and your anguish so deep, you will always be tempted to flee from it.  There are two extremes to avoid:  being completely absorbed in your pain and being distracted by so many things that you stay far away from the wound you want to heal.

From the Daily Reflections of November 9;

But first of all we shall want sunlight; nothing much can grow in the dark. Meditation is our step out into the sun.   (As Bill Sees It, page 10)

Sometimes I think I don’t have time for prayer and meditation, forgetting that I always found the time to drink. It is possible to make time for anything I want to do if I want it badly enough. When I start the routine of prayer and meditation, it’s a good idea to plan to devote a small amount of time to it. I read a page from our Fellowship’s books in the morning, and say “Thank You, God,” when I go to bed at night. As prayer becomes a habit, I will increase the time spent on it, without even noticing the foray it makes into my busy day. If I have trouble praying, I just repeat the Lord’s Prayer because it really covers everything. Then I think of what I can be grateful for and say a word of thanks.

I don’t need to shut myself in a closet to pray. It can be done even in a room full of people. I just remove myself mentally for an instant. As the practice of prayer continues, I will find I don’t need words, for God can, and does, hear my thoughts through silence.

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I find the quote from “As Bill Sees It” amusing since I talked of finding comfort in the darkness for my meditation.  Now, I do seek casual communication throughout the day, with the practice of attending to that intuitive voice I credit to Gomu (God of my understanding).  After publishing Endigar 601, I came across a good article that I found synchronistic.  So I will publish it here to share with you;

Meditation is essential to my life. It wasn’t always that way.

I’ve flirted with meditation for years, starting at the age of 23. Living in San Francisco at the time, I was introduced to TM (otherwise know as Transcendental Meditation — yes, the one made famous by the Beatles). It scared me a little, because I didn’t understand how it worked. It seemed almost mystical. I’d read all the research and was impressed by the long list of incredible, positive things it was said to address, including anxiety and stress, while generally promoting tranquility in a hectic life.

The promise of all of that was intriguing, but it took me another three years before I went back and actually took a class. From that moment, I sensed something shifting, but my mind continued to resist. I was skeptical. How could meditation possibly do all of these things? Could it really be that easy?

Because I struggled with panic attacks and chronic anxiety, just picking up meditation here and there helped immensely, but only for short periods of time. Soon after feeling better, I would revert back to old behaviors. I found it difficult to sit still for 20 minutes consistently, twice a day. Sometimes the time flew by, and other times I couldn’t bear to sit in the silence, alone with my non-stop internal dialog. My thoughts lined up, one after the other, like planes on a runway at takeoff.

I lost patience in those moments, so meditation went back on the shelf, and I continued to flirt with it for the next 10 years. I brought it out only when I felt I needed it most. Each time I tried something new — a guided mediation, breathing meditation, TM or even walking meditation. They all made me feel grounded and calm, but I could never commit to a regular practice.

In the midst of creating my company and leaping into a new career, I finally got serious. I listened to my instinct and committed to my meditation practice. I have meditated almost everyday since. When I have missed a day here and there, I really notice the difference. I can feel something’s absent and I get right back to it the following day. Since I’m running a business, my schedule is so limited that if I have to choose between meditation or a workout, I choose meditation nine times out of 10.

I make this choice everyday because of the benefits I feel in my life through meditating. First and foremost, meditation calms me. It slows everything down. Whatever is going on in my life at that exact moment just stops. It allows me to breathe consciously and just Be. It doesn’t stop the thoughts, and it shouldn’t. They continue, but I witness them rather than react to them. I just allow them to float through my mind as I repeat my mantra. Sometimes the feeling I get can be deep, powerful, and spiritual, which offers great clarity. Other times, I feel refreshed, as if I took a quick power nap, but I always feel calm and grounded.

For me, becoming a meditator has been a deep learning process. It wasn’t something I picked up and loved immediately, even though I knew it was good for me. It took time and lots of patience with myself to get to this point. I have much more inner calm and an ability to trust myself. It’s helped me make choices to live my life in a way that’s right for me. Meditation is essential to my life.

I know that I will meditate for the rest of my life. In fact, I’ve decided to deepen my own practice by training to become a meditation teacher. I’m going in with no expectations, just an open mind to learn more about myself.

Meditation is a personal experience, and everyone’s path is different. I encourage you to stick with it, even if you want to give up. Remember it’s a practice. If you don’t get it on the first, second or even third try, it’s OK, don’t get too frustrated. It may mean you just haven’t found the type of meditation that works for you, and you need to experiment further. Like anything worthwhile in life, the benefits will develop over time.

Let go and trust yourself.

LiveYourVie.com, a web site with a growing community that includes experts, partners and influencers on mind, body and soul. The site offers educational and inspirational content, celebrity interviews with doctors, athletes and chefs — all focused on how to live your healthiest and happiest life. Vie is purpose driven, and donates 10 percent of all profits back to the community in a partnership with the Sylvia Center, an organization which inspires children to eat well – so that they may lead healthy and productive lives.

SOURCE:  “What’s So Special About Meditation” by Julie Sacks

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From the Daily Reflections of November 8;

Meditation is something which can always be further developed. It has no boundaries, either of width or height. Aided by such instruction and example as we can find, it is essentially an individual adventure, something which each one of us works out in his own way.   (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 101)

My spiritual growth is with God as I understand Him. With Him I find my true inner self. Daily meditation and prayer strengthen and renew my source of well-being. I receive then the openness to accept all that He has to offer. With God I have the reassurance that my journey will be as He wants for me, and for that I am grateful to have God in my life.

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For me, meditation is a frustrating exercise unless I start with a measure of serenity.  If I attempt to enter a focused and listening state when my heart is aflutter with anxiety, I am overwhelmed by the active and loud voice of fear.  So there are things that I must do to attempt serenity.  I must be up early enough so that the day’s activities have not found me.  I prefer a very dark and secluded room.  When it is time to focus, I like candles and rituals.  Before that I am trying to regulate my breathing.  There are many disciplines I have pulled from to acquire a serene state of mind.  It takes me a while to enter into this state, and time constraints can be quite corrosive to the practice.  I will never experience the magic of it if I do not keep showing up to that dark place to meet with Gomu (God of my understanding), for I never know what day will be the most effective.  My part is to keep trying and I believe the progressive nature of spirituality will take hold.

From the Daily Reflections of November 7;

. . . praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.  (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 96)

When I “Let Go and Let God,” I think more clearly and wisely. Without having to think about it, I quickly let go of things that cause me immediate pain and discomfort. Because I find it hard to let go of the kind of worrisome thoughts and attitudes that cause me immense anguish, all I need do during those times is allow God, as I understand Him, to release them for me, and then and there, I let go of the thoughts, memories and attitudes that are troubling me.

When I receive help from God, as I understand Him, I can live my life one day at a time and handle whatever challenges come my way. Only then can I live a life of victory over alcohol, in comfortable sobriety.

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Let Go (of other people’s lives no matter how much I care about them) and Let God (develop their own peculiar relationship with Him).  Let Go (of the way the future is playing out) and Let God (point out His daily will for me).  Let Go (of damaging resentments and unrealistic expectations) and Let God (transform me into the most powerful version of myself).

From the Daily Reflections of November 6;

Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him. . . .   (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 96)

The first words I speak when arising in the morning are, “I arise, O God, to do Thy will.” This is the shortest prayer I know and it is deeply ingrained in me. Prayer doesn’t change God’s attitude toward me; it changes my attitude toward God. As distinguished from prayer, meditation is a quiet time, without words. To be centered is to be physically relaxed, emotionally calm, mentally focused and spiritually aware.

One way to keep the channel open and to improve my conscious contact with God is to maintain a grateful attitude.  On the days when I am grateful, good things seem to happen in my life. The instant I start cursing things in my life, however, the flow of good stops. God did not interrupt the flow; my own negativity did.

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I am not able to maintain connection with Gomu (God of my understanding) if I view the relationship as distant and demanding.  Like all my relationships, there are up days and down days.  There are times when I can connect, and I am able to walk through fire and on water with my Higher Power.  Then there are times that my anxiety bubbles up like a salsa laden stomach acid and all I can do is grab hold of any discipline I can remember.  I really do not wish to lash out at God, but sometimes it is the most intimate thing I can do in my spiritual walk.  If I was God, I would manipulate the hell out of me to get me to do what needs to be done.  I would wake me up in the morning and slap my face hard so that my first thought is “thy will be done.”  My God has chosen a less intrusive approach than my previous god in a bottle.  So, Gomu’s Will be done.

From the Daily Reflections of November 5;

This . . . has to do with the quality of faith. . . . In no deep or meaningful sense had we ever taken stock of ourselves. . . . We had not even prayed rightly. We had always said, “Grant me my wishes” instead of “Thy will be done.”   (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 32)

God does not grant me material possessions, take away my suffering, or spare me from disasters, but He does give me a good life, the ability to cope, and peace of mind. My prayers are simple: first, they express my gratitude for the good things in my life, regardless of how hard I have to search for them; and second, I ask only for the strength and the wisdom to do His will. He answers with solutions to my problems, sustaining my ability to live through daily frustrations with a serenity I did not believe existed, and with the strength to practice the principles of A.A. in all of my everyday affairs.

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When I pray “Thy (Your) will be done” to GOMU (God of my understanding), which must be a loving God to be effective in my life, I see four implications that are reasonable and necessary and will be the fruit of that petition.

1.  It is necessary and reasonable to expect that we will communicate directly or indirectly with Gomu so that we will know what represents His or Her Will.  Thus, this prayer carries with it an implication that we will have an increased ability to communicate to our Higher Power as we seek to fulfill Gomu’s Will.

2.  It is a necessary and reasonable expectation that Gomu will empower and/or provide for us in the accomplishment of that Will.  The activity of pursuing the Will of our Higher Power will create legitimate needs that will be satisfied.

3.  It is a necessary and reasonable expectation that the Will of a loving God will guide you into the fulfillment of something within yourself that reveals you to you.

4.  It is necessary and reasonable to expect there to be some discomfort in the fulfilling of Gomu’s Will because it will not be something that can be accomplished with isolated selfishness.  It will require you to grow beyond what you have created of yourself in isolation.

In the fulfillment of Gomu’s Will, I find Him necessary and reasonable in the making of a better life.  All this starts with the prayer, Your Will be done.