Daily Reprieve

From the Daily Reflections of December 16;

. . . nothing will so much insure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics. . . .

Both you and the new man must walk day by day in the path of spiritual progress. . . . Follow the dictates of a Higher Power and you will presently live in a new and wonderful world, no matter what your present circumstances!   (Alcoholics Anonymous, pages 89, 100)

Doing the right things for the right reasons — this is my way of controlling my selfishness and self centeredness. I realize that my dependency on a Higher Power clears the way for peace of mind, happiness and sobriety. I pray each day that I will avoid my previous actions, so that I will be helpful to others.

END OF QUOTE

—————————————–

 (Photo by Tommy Clark; Click Image)

This pursuit of sobriety cannot and was never meant to be a solitary journey.  I see a counselor to resist falling too long into depression.  She recommended that I see the following TED talk.  I will share it with you:

From the Daily Reflections of December 15;

Offer him [the alcoholic] friendship and fellowship. Tell him that if he wants to get well you will do anything to help.   (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 95)

I remember how attracted I was to the two men from A.A. who Twelfth-Stepped me. They said I could have what they had, with no conditions attached, that all I had to do was make my own decision to join them on the pathway to recovery. When I start convincing a newcomer to do things my way, I forget how helpful those two men were to me in their open-minded generosity.

END OF QUOTE

————————————— When your will has been broken, your mind has been turned against you, and your heart has been humiliated into paralysis you become the animated corpse of horror movies.  This is what alcohol summoned into my life.  The assertion that alcohol finally “beat us into a state of reasonableness,” (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 48) is a cruel understatement of the situation. I was a mess coming into the rooms.

The will of my Higher Power, the mind of the 12 Steps, and the heart of the Fellowship acted as life support in early recovery.  The open-minded generosity that the Reflections contributor spoke of lured me back to life.  I was introduced to the paradox that surrender brought empowerment, and I desperately needed spiritual power.

How could I not want to do anything possible to help other sufferers as they first walk through the door?  It is only a lingering fear that prevents me.  And fear must be faced and overcome for me to continue to freely live.  I either grow or shrink.  Spiritual life is not a defensive war.  The casualties of alcoholism and addiction are real.  I will do anything to help.

From the Daily Reflections of December 14;

Never talk down to an alcoholic from any moral or spiritual hilltop; simply lay out the kit of spiritual tools for his inspection. Show him how they worked with you.   (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 95)

When I come into contact with a newcomer, do I have a tendency to look at him from my perceived angle of success in A.A.? Do I compare him with the large number of acquaintances I have made in the Fellowship? Do I point out to him in a magisterial way the voice of A.A.? What is my real attitude toward him? I must examine myself whenever I meet a newcomer to make sure that I am carrying the message with simplicity, humility and generosity. The one who still suffers from the terrible disease of alcoholism must find in me a friend who will allow him to get to know the A.A. way, because I had such a friend when I arrived in A.A. Today it is my turn to hold out my hand, with love, to my sister or brother alcoholic, and to show her or him the way to happiness.

END OF QUOTE

————————————

The admonition to “never talk down to an alcoholic” presumes that I am talking to an active alcoholic.  “When I come into contact with a newcomer” assumes that I am going to come into contact with a newcomer and interact.  The ultimate moral or religious hilltop (read isolating pride) is to withdraw from the efforts of the Fellowship while it interacts with newcomers and engages those still suffering from alcoholism, because I have recovered.  It is the ultimate state of personal arrogance when my own recovery is the only goal of my attendance in meetings.  How can I grow in humility and spirituality if I don’t risk reaching out?  If I am not finding the opportunity to grow, I will surrender to the tendency to shrink and fade.

From the Daily Reflections of December 13;

Our very lives, as ex-problem drinkers, depend upon our constant thought of others and how we may help meet their needs.   (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 20)

Thinking of others has never come easily to me. Even when I try to work the A.A. program, I’m prone to thinking, “How do I feel today. Am I happy, joyous and free?”

The program tells me that my thoughts must reach out to those around me: “Would that newcomer welcome someone to talk to?” “That person looks a little unhappy today, maybe I could cheer him up.” It is only when I forget my problems, and reach out to contribute something to others that I can begin to attain the serenity and God-consciousness I seek.

END OF QUOTE

———————————-

“The constant thought of others and how we may meet their needs” seems like a tall order, and a formula for co-dependent manipulation.  My attempts to help others while in a state of selfish isolation does not work. For me to think of others requires a relinquishment of habitual fear and a growing trust in my God.  I need that connection to stay sober.  Such an obsession of praying and seeking to be useful is the path to greater empowerment in my own life.

From the Daily Reflections of December 12;

The tremendous fact for every one of us is that we have discovered a common solution. We have a way out on which we can absolutely agree, and upon which we can join in brotherly and harmonious action. This is the great news this book carries to those who suffer from alcoholism.   (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 17)

The most far-reaching Twelfth Step work was the publication of our Big Book, Alcoholics Anonymous. Few can equal that book for carrying the message. My idea is to get out of myself and simply do what I can. Even if I haven’t been asked to sponsor and my phone rarely rings, I am still able to do Twelfth Step work. I get involved in “brotherly and harmonious action.” At meetings I show up early to greet people and to help set up, and to share my experience, strength and hope. I also do what I can with service work. My Higher Power gives me exactly what He wants me to do at any given point in my recovery and, if I let Him, my willingness will bring Twelfth Step work automatically.

END OF QUOTE

—————————————-

I believe in the value of 12th Step work.  It is a reminder of something that is so easy to forget once the consequences of my past drinking fade. Active alcoholism is hell.  It is dangerous and humiliating.

The many manifestations of the 12th Step are a very practical and concrete way of living out the ideals of the principals and translating my spiritual tools from theory to skill.  It causes me to connect with my Higher Power as I emulate His actions of loving intervention and presence.

Finally, it is a worthy activity that can be used to build intimacy between me and my recovery Fellowship.  The one thing I lack is the consistent courage to overcome my social anxiety and stay with the process.  I am working on it, and I am thankful anytime I am apart of the solution and not the problem.

From the Daily Reflections of December 11;

. . . we are actually to practice a genuine humility. This is to the end that our great blessings may never spoil us; that we shall forever live in thankful contemplation of Him who presides over us all.   (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 192)

Experience has taught me that my alcoholic personality tends to be grandiose. While having seemingly good intentions, I can go off on tangents in pursuit of my “causes.” My ego takes over and I lose sight of my primary purpose. I may even take credit for God’s handiwork in my life. Such an overstated feeling of my own importance is dangerous to my sobriety and could cause great harm to A.A. as a whole.

My safeguard, the Twelfth Tradition, serves to keep me humble. I realize, both as an individual and as a member of the Fellowship, that I cannot boast of my accomplishments, and that “God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.”

END OF QUOTE

————————————-

In the military, we had a saying; “stay in your lane.”  This was a reference to our time on the firing range.  Soldiers are lined up with a particular firing lane with its own particular target. Sometimes a soldier will get confused, lose focus and fire at the targets meant for the soldier next to him.  That soldier’s targets would not be hit and his neighbors targets would be riddled.  Both lanes would be corrupted and of no value in evaluating the firing skill of either soldier.

The phrase “stay in your lane” was generalized to mean that every service member has their own place of service.  Genuine humility helps me stay focused on my own particular targets.  I acknowledge my place, and my dependence on trusting others to know theirs.  Humility for me is thus a special kind of trust in Gomu (God of my understanding) and my Fellows in recovery.

From the Daily Reflections of December 10;

Now, what about the rest of the Twelfth Step? The wonderful energy it releases and the eager action by which it carries our message to the next suffering alcoholic and which finally translates the Twelve Steps into action upon all our affairs is the payoff, the magnificent reality, of Alcoholics Anonymous.   (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 109)

To renounce the alcoholic world is not to abandon it, but to act upon principles I have come to love and cherish, and to restore in others who still suffer the serenity I have come to know. When I am truly committed to this purpose, it matters little what clothes I wear or how I make a living. My task is to carry the message, and to lead by example, not design.

END OF QUOTE

——————————————–

There is vocabulary here that I am not familiar.  I can imagine that to “renounce the alcoholic world” is to experience the complete psychic change after losing all faith in the notion that alcohol can provide any kind of lasting solution to the problems of my life.

The other phrases that I find more interesting is “the wonderful energy” of the 12th Step releases, the reality that “it carries our message to the next suffering alcoholic,” and finally, “the magnificent reality” that the message gets translated into action upon all our affairs.

I look forward to experiencing this progressive magic in my own life.

From the Daily Reflections of December 9;

When the Twelfth Step is seen in its full implication, it is really talking about the kind of love that has no price tag on it.   (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 106)

In order for me to start working the Twelfth Step, I had to work on sincerity and honesty, and to learn to act with humility. Carrying the message is a gift of myself, no matter how many years of sobriety I may have accumulated. My dreams can become reality. I solidify my sobriety by sharing what I have received freely. As I look back to that time when I began my recovery, there was already a seed of hope that I could help another drunk pull himself out of his alcoholic mire. My wish to help another drunk is the key to my spiritual health. But I never forget that God acts through me. I am only His instrument.

Even if the other person is not ready, there is success, because my effort in his behalf has helped me to remain sober and to become stronger. To act, to never grow weary in my Twelfth Step work, is the key. If I am capable of laughing today, let me not forget those days when I cried. God reminds me that I can feel compassion!

END OF QUOTE

—————————————

This reflection brings me to what I count as a personal saving heresy of the AA program.  Prior to recovery and prior to the hopeless state of mind and body from my activated alcoholism, I was a devoted Christian.  I learned that humanity had been given a two choice scenario for their lives; accept Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior and respond to the leading of the Holy Spirit, or reject Christ either by volition or apathy and live out a life destined for eternal damnation, regardless of whatever self-exalting work one achieves in this life time.  I also learned that only a small remnant of humanity would chose and be chosen for heaven and salvation.  The vast majority of my fellows had been created within God’s foreknowledge that they would burn eternally in the Lake of Fire in horrific torture without end.  The logical conclusions I derived from this manner of thinking was to become numb to the unfolding horror or to become motivated by a deep sense of fear and guilt.  If I went off to work to take care of my family without any thought of proselytizing my work associates, what kind of selfish son of bitch am I?  And even if I attempted missionary work in my environment, I knew that I was not going to be overwhelmingly successful.  I had it right and most of the world had it wrong.

Now, here is the difference in the Twelfth Step work.  It is all right for me to be selfish in the sense of having a strong sense of self-preservation.  I will not make it in recovery without it.  Listen to the words in the contribution above . . .”My dreams can become reality . . . I solidify my sobriety . . . the key to my spiritual health . . .it has helped me to remain sober and to become stronger . . .let me not forget those days when I cried.”

For emotional sobriety there is transformation work that I must partake in to root out the self-destructive elements of my psyche.  From the contribution above I see that I have to work on sincerity and honesty, to learn to act with humility when I am carrying the message.  I share what I have received freely.  I help another drunk pull himself out of his alcoholic mire.  I remember that I am only God’s instrument.  I must exert effort in behalf of the other person even if he is not ready and regardless of how many years of sobriety I have accumulated.  I act and never grow wear in my Twelfth Step work.

This is the God part which I am completely dependent on the supernatural intervention of my Gomu (God of my understanding) to see happen.  God turns me into a gift for others.  I receive sobriety freely and become a channel.  When I began my recovery, a seed of hope is planted in me that I can help another drunk.  God acts through me.  I am capable of laughing today.  God reminds me that I can feel compassion.  I finally begin to experience the love that has no price tag.

From the Daily Reflections of December 8;

Life will take on new meaning. To watch people recover, to see them help others, to watch loneliness vanish, to see a fellowship grow up about you, to have a host of friends — this is an experience you must not miss. . . . Frequent contact with newcomers and with each other is the bright spot of our lives.   (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 89)

It is through service that the greatest rewards are to be found. But to be in a position of offering true, useful and effective service to others, I must first work on myself. This means that I have to abandon myself to God, admitting my faults and clearing away the wreckage of my past. Work on myself has taught me how to find the necessary peace and serenity to successfully merge inspiration and experience. I have learned how to be, in the truest sense, an open channel of sobriety.

END OF QUOTE

—————————————–

That selection from page 89 in the Big Book is probably one of the greatest desires I have for my membership in AA.  I truly do not want to miss the experience it describes.  I have had little flashes of this Fellowship Engulfment.  I am a bit of an extrovert cursed with a powerfully inhibiting social anxiety.

A fearless me.  What would that creature look like?  Would I suffocate others with toxic words and turn relationships into hostage situations? That picture of freedom serves no one.  I must have protective rituals in place so that I maintain my own spiritual life in private.  I cannot escape the reality that I will express myself from the depths of my heart.  The heart requires a frequent refill of spiritual life to remain awake and vibrant. It is essential that I am devoted to prayer and meditation so that I may be in union with the flow of the Infinite One, and tenth step inventories to keep my inner life open to Gomu (God of my understanding) for the usefulness to the Fellowship.

Artwork: Don Marquez

From the Daily Reflections of December 7;

True ambition is not what we thought it was. True ambition is the deep desire to live usefully and walk humbly under the grace of God.  (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, pages 124-125)

During my drinking years, my one and only concern was to have my fellow man think highly of me. My ambition in everything I did was to have the power to be at the top. My inner self kept telling me something else but I couldn’t accept it. I didn’t even allow myself to realize that I wore a mask continually. Finally, when the mask came off and I cried out to the only God I could conceive, the Fellowship of A.A., my group and the Twelve Steps were there. I learned how to change resentments into acceptance, fear into hope and anger into love. I have learned also, through loving without undue expectations, through sharing my concerns and caring for my fellow man, that each day can be joyous and fruitful. I begin and end my day with thanks to God, who has so generously shed His grace on me.

END OF QUOTE

——————————————–

I know these thoughts of humility and usefulness are spiritually empowering and that is the paradox of the Realm of the Spirit that is difficult for me to hold on to.  There was a movie that came out just before the turn of the century called “The Man in the Iron Mask.”  Royal twins who were mirror images of one another, inverse duplicates, that caused one brother to be tucked away in a dungeon locked in an iron mask to hide his face so the other brother could seize his ambitions to rule without challenge.  This resonated with me. In order for the life lust of the more dominate elemental of my personality to have its way within me, I had to tuck another part of myself away and obscure his identity.  The mask was my deep pain and the dungeon was his betrayal for being so giving and open.

Unlike the movie, I believe in a third option and that the tendency to think in terms of evil and good is the primary sickness of humanity. My power in life is intrinsically limited, but can become progressively expansive by connecting with others and Gomu (God of my understanding).  Humility is the connective tissue in the building of spiritual muscle.  Usefulness to the whole is the circulation of power exchange.  Polar thinking where the Universe is divided between evil and good is naturally divisive and weakens my personal expression.  I chose the third door beyond polarized thinking.