Daily Reprieve

Gomu (God of my understanding), I appreciate another day of sobriety.  Why are you investing your energy into me?  Who are you?  I guess I should just be glad that you give a damn about me.  But you are a source of magic and wonderment for me, and I know something is going on between you and I. 

Who are you?  I am tired.  I will go to my inner sanctum and rest, get up, clean up and go to work.  I will repeat activities necessary for me to stay alive and unfold as a living person.  And you are interested in this?  What do you gain in this deal?  Why can’t we just sit down and have a cup of coffee, and talk this out?  Good night Jon Gomu. 

In my 3rd step prayer, I told my Higher Power that I had given up the “right to argue,” that I just needed to live.  I guess it is progress, not perfection.  Humility protects me from terminal uniqueness.  Humility gives me the opportunity to listen long enough to gain understanding.  Humility invites me into the sanctuary of patience. 

Obviously, I had a good meeting tonight.  I went out with them afterwards.  I wondered why I ever doubted the sincerity of those I have heard share. 

Then I remember that my disease is always looking for an opportunity to divide and conquer, to isolate me and target me for destruction. 

Got to get some sleep. 

1. I bare the consequences for a disease that is out of my control.  On a spiritual level, I feel that I am often punished for crimes I cannot identify, not even having the promise of being able to face the invisible accuser.  The steps often seem to imply that I must dig deep to bring up charges against myself.  Isn’t that an old Christian misconception that self-flagellation equates to spiritual development?

2. There is a disturbing parallel between the elements of behavior control found in centralized religion and some of the recovery rhetoric propagated in meetings.  And it truly does feel like rhetoric when I know what the “right things” to say are, and feel accepted for saying them.  But in the end, I am left with this gnawing feeling of not being true to myself.

3. Does my Higher Power run a good cop-bad cop scenario by allowing alcohol to bully me into a “state of reasonableness?”  This is the Godfather perspective of Higher Power that has plagued me in the past. (God, grant me the serenity…Our Father, who art in heaven = Godfather)

Today I worked hard, and then got to have a wonderful time out with my girlfriend.  I am so tired.  I started off the day in prayer requesting another day of sobriety.  Sobriety means being able to give myself to work and relationships.  Simple, but its all I have today.

What have I done for my recovery today?  I talked to my sponsee, went to a meeting, spent time in prayer and medication meditation (ha).   Sometimes I wish I could stop time and really invest myself in my own projects.  I go back to work tomorrow morning, and my attitude goes down the toilet if I start missing sleep.  I did enjoy the day with my Father.  We ate at the Canjun Steamer, “Best Tail in Town.”

Good Night, world.

Today was so very beautiful.  Musepoint called to me.  This is a place at Oak Mountain State Park where I took my Mother before she became confined to her home and soon thereafter died.  You should have seen us pushing her wheelchair up that rocky trail, to a place beside the stream.  I told her that her only job was to just hold on to the chair.  My Father, sister, and children where with me.  She was an artist and was teaching my daughter to sketch even then.  She managed to publish a book right before she died.  It is called The Tattletale Parrot.  Her paintings surround me and my siblings.  Always so full of creative energy.

It was a quiet walk with my Higher Power and my Muse.  There is no place more sacred to me now. 

She sent me this email after that trip, that I have kept and read for encouragement:

“I wanted to thank you again for my trip yesterday.  I’m so glad you know me and my needs so well that you took me to a less traveled path so I could commune with nature…rather than a perhaps easier to reach and more visited area…with picnic tables and so on.  I didn’t need that…I needed the feeling that the forest gives me..I felt a restful and peaceful feeling in my soul…I know it wasn’t easy…Thank you son, and thank (Name of my son) and (Name of my daughter) for their part in my outing too.  Our swing was blown over last night, so we must have had wind…I wouldn’t know because I slept like a baby.  I love you all…Always, mom.”  30 Apr 2006.

Ahh geez.  I really miss her.