Archive for faith

Endigar 1045

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on September 26, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Sep 26:

When I first came to Al-Anon, I thought that anger, resentment, jealousy, and fear were “bad” feelings. The program has helped me to learn that feelings are neither good nor bad — they are simply a part of who I am.

I have come to realize that good has sometimes come as a result of those feelings. Anger has prompted some constructive changes in my life. Resentment has made me so uncomfortable that I’ve had to learn to combat it — as a result, I have learned to pray for other people. Jealousy has taught me to keep my mouth shut when I know I will say only irrational, destructive things. And fear has been perhaps my greatest gift, because it forces me to make conscious contact with my Higher Power.

Now that the negative has become the positive, I am better able to accept the whole picture. There is no more need to judge or hate myself just because I experience a human feeling.

Today’s Reminder

Feelings may not be comfortable, but that doesn’t make them bad. With a change of attitude, I have choices about what to do with my feelings. Anything can be used for my good if I allow it. Recognizing this opportunity may take every ounce of imagination I have, but maybe that’s why God gave me imagination to begin with.

“My feelings are neither right nor wrong but are important by virtue of being mine.” ~ In All Our Affairs

END OF QUOTE—————————————

Emotions are not intruders to be evicted, but landmarks on the inner map of recovery. They belong to me, and I will not surrender them to the enforced stupidity of a culture that insists I amputate half my soul to stay palatable. Anger, jealousy, and fear are not above me, and I am not above them. They march beside me, and when I dare to tell the truth about their presence, I invite God to forge them into constructs for the writing of My Story.

What if every unwelcome emotion was a disguised angel? Or a disguised threat map revealing enforced silence? What if these unwelcome visitors are the hammer that cracks open complacency? Processed resentment reveals the threat of endless begging, and thus becomes the goad that drives me into prayer and surrender to a Higher Power that does not colonize Me. What if the appearance of jealousy is the illumination of the threat of romantic override? What if fear evades the threat of contamination, and also the one force that hurls me into conscious contact with a Higher Power? The thorns of My inner garden are not weeds—they are barbed wire that guards the perimeter of My God given sovereignty.

The paradox is clear: My feelings may not be right or wrong, but they are still significant because they are mine. They are entrusted to me as sacred signals. In claiming them, I break the tyranny of self-judgment. I do not have to punish myself for being human. I choose instead to stand in Intelligent Self-Patriotism: to pause, reflect, and act without apology. Recovery does not demand erasure of anger or fear; it demands that I braid them into My fabric with the personal mythology of my faith.

When I embrace my emotions without condemnation, I become a man who does not outsource his soul. I extend grace to others not as a surrender but as a chosen act of containment. I admit jealousy, rage, fear—not as confession of weakness but as courage to be seen. Recovery gave me imagination; My Story activates it. Imagination paints possibility onto the canvas of fear, but My personal ethos presses that canvas into a banner: My life is about writing My story. Let the Patriots bleed. Let every feeling become a landmark, a teacher, a threat revealed, a scar turned into scripture.

Emotions are horrible masters, but excellent servants to those that own the story of their lives.

Endigar 1044

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , on September 25, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Sep 25:

I find myself taking Step Three over and over again. Unfortunately, I often wait until a problem starts to overwhelm me before I finally give in and turn it over to my Higher Power. Nevertheless, today I am striving to place my entire will and life in my Higher Power’s hands with the willingness to accept His or Her will for me, no matter what. The awareness I have gained in Al-Anon lets me know that my way has seldom worked in the past. It’s only when I let go and trust the inner voice that quietly nudges me in the direction of my Higher Power’s choosing that my life becomes fulfilling.

Today’s Reminder

Is there an area in my life that I treat as though it were too important to turn over to a Higher Power? Are my efforts to control that area making my life better and more manageable? Are they doing any good at all? I can hold on to my will until the situation becomes so painful that I am forced to submit, or I can put my energy where it can do me some good right now, and surrender to my Higher Power’s care.

”I have held many things in my hands, and I have lost them all; but whatever I have placed in God’s hands, that I still possess.” ~ Martin Luther

END OF QUOTE—————————————

I once lived under the delusion that my will and God’s will were locked in combat, mutually exclusive, one destined to erase the other. That was the lie of separation, the lie of addiction, the lie of control. The truth is sharper: when I refuse to know myself, I cannot know my Higher Power. But when I dare to look straight at who I am—my scars, my fury, my hunger—I discover convergence. To thy own self be true is not rebellion against God; it is the doorway to God.

Submission is not servitude. It is Positive Selfishness in its highest form. It is Intelligent Self-Patriotism—protecting my sovereignty while admitting that power beyond me keeps me from destroying myself. I do not surrender into nothingness. I surrender into alignment with the Infinite, who carries the code of my freedom.

Step Three confronts me with this question: Will I grip, or will I release? My instinct, my reflexive will, is to hold on until pain breaks me. That stubbornness is part of my refusal to bow to false narratives, even when those falsehoods come from within me. But here is the paradox: the longer I grip, the more I lose. The more I release, the more remains mine.

When I insist on control, my life shrinks, darkens, isolates. When I let go, my life expands. The whisper of my Higher Power is not sloppy agape, not saccharine love spoon-fed down my throat. It is the dangerous independence of the Spirit, quietly reminding me that my freedom is not in defiance for its own sake—it is in refusing to let panic dictate my steps.

Every area I declare “too important” to God—my finances, my self-image, my need to dominate—is where my slavery is exposed. To grip those areas as mine alone is to collapse into Social Containment, locked in fearful isolation.

But to release them—to put even these battlegrounds in God’s hands—is to discover Resurrection. Not the counterfeit martyrdom of performance, but the blood-bound strength of a warrior who knows when to unclench the fist. What I give to God, I do not lose. I weaponize it. I wield it transfigured.

My inner core declares: I am dangerously free. I will not be enslaved by enforced stupidity, nor by the tyranny of my own fear. Step Three humbles that fire into something survivable, sustainable, connected. My will and God’s will are not parallel lines—they are two blades of the same sword, forged in surrender, carried in independence.

And so I live this paradox daily:

  • Not martyr, not rebel without cause.
  • Not puppet, not godling.
  • Simply a man who has learned that the true defiance is not in clenching, but in trusting.

This is the marrow of Step Three for Me: to surrender is to fight smarter, to align with Power rather than exhaust myself resisting it.

Endigar 1043

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on September 20, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Sep 24:

An Al-Anon friend says, ”I have a tendency to think of my experience with alcoholism as an epic, technicolor movie, an extravaganza with my name in lights on the marquee, but it’s not really like that. It’s really just home movies.” From time to time I have shared my friend’s exaggerated vision, though of course when I did, the name in lights was my own.

I came to this program with a story to tell that seemed to splash across every inch of a very wide screen. I told it and told it, until one day I noticed that I was sitting in a room with others, showing home movies.

Today I feel happy to be there as part of the show, but my role has changed. I am no longer the martyr, bravely sacrificing myself to the cold, cruel world of melodrama. Realism has taken over. My role is important, but not unique, and I don’t expect to see it in lights.

Today’s Reminder

Al-Anon has given me an opportunity to share my home movies with others. My situation is neither the best nor the worst. Although I am unique in some ways, I am more like others than I ever suspected. I will appreciate this sense of fellowship today.

“…as we learn to place our problem in its true perspective, we find it loses its power to dominate our thoughts and our lives.” ~ Suggested Al-Anon/Alateen Welcome

END OF QUOTE—————————————

My life is not a technicolor epic; it is a series of “home movies” stitched into a patchwork of humanity. To inflate myself as the tragic hero is another disguise for fear. This does not mean shrinking into silence or timidity. My refusal to exaggerate is not weakness but strength. The raw voice of my ethos depends on reality, not on melodrama. It is because I am no longer the martyr that I can speak plainly, iconoclastically, with the defiance of one who no longer needs to perform.

I can step out of the spotlight and discover freedom in not being the centerpiece. When I reject the addiction to applause or victimhood, I recover the purest form of rebellion: living my truth without needing a stage. My freedom is not a reaction against others—it is my refusal to live as their puppet. I refuse to be consumed by performance, or by the crowd’s gaze. I stand rooted, blood-bound to truth.

When I stop inflating my problems into epics, they lose their power to dominate me. I see myself as part of a chorus. The chorus is not a diminishment but a revelation. It is a field of voices, a battlefield of mythologies, and my voice enters as one among many, sharpened and unafraid. I claim my individuality not by towering over others, but by standing beside them, fully seen, fully heard.

I do not need to be the martyr or the hero, but neither will I be erased. My freedom is not in the spotlight nor in the shadows—it is in the refusal to live falsely.

Endigar 1041

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , on September 17, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Sep 22:

The Fifth Step (“Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs”) is a very intimate experience in which we share our private thoughts and experiences with another person. Much has been said about the freedom this Step offers to the person who is doing the talking, but it can be extremely rewarding to the listener as well.

Most of us feel deeply honored to be entrusted to share in such a sensitive and personal experience. It’s a wonderful opportunity to practice giving unconditional love and support by simply listening. Many of us hear stories that are similar to our own; others can often identify with the feelings that are expressed. Perhaps we will be reminded of where we have been and how far we have come. We also see that, despite our outward differences, we have a great deal in common with others.

Whether we practice this Step by listening or speaking, we open ourselves as channels for our Higher Power. More often than not, we hear something that sheds light on our own situation.

Today’s Reminder

When I respond to a request for help with working the Al-Anon program, I help myself as well.

“There is no better way to keep our spiritual benefits than by giving them away with love, free of expectations, and with no strings attached.” ~ In All Our Affairs

END OF QUOTE—————————————

The Fifth Step asks us to move from the isolation of secrecy into the open air of honesty. It is one thing to admit wrongs in the silence of my own thoughts, quite another to bring them before God, and even more vulnerable to entrust them to another human being. That moment is not just confession—it is communion. It is where I let the walls drop and allow someone to see me, as I truly am. So, I will name the exact nature of my wrongs without disguise. I will return again and again to this vulnerable practice, even when fear whispers I should hide. I will continue to admit, promptly and honestly, so that nothing festers in the dark, trusting that when I show my true self, I will not be abandoned.

The Fifth Step reveals a paradox: in speaking aloud my shame, I discover my dignity. In listening to another’s secrets, I glimpse my own reflection. Whether we are confessing or holding space, we become channels for something larger than ourselves. My Higher Power often shows up in those sacred moments of listening—sometimes through a word spoken, sometimes simply in the stillness of silence. I desire to be able to listen to another’s story as if it contains a piece of wisdom meant for me too. Sitting with someone’s pain without judgment, holding it gently, because I have discovered that healing often comes sideways, through the mirror of another’s experience.


The practice of this Step has taught me that my spiritual benefits are not mine to hoard. They grow only when I give them away freely—without expectation, without attachment, with love of Self first and others always as the only motive. This is how recovery stays alive in me: by passing it on.

Endigar 1040 ~ Familiar Storms

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on September 12, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Sep 21:

In living with the disease of alcoholism, I became a fearful person who dreaded change. Although my life was full of chaos, it was familiar chaos, which gave me the feeling that I had some control over it. This was an illusion. I have learned in Al-Anon that I am powerless over alcoholism and many other things. I’ve also learned that change is inevitable.

I no longer have to assume that change is bad because I can look back at changes that have had a very positive effect on me, such as coming into Al-Anon.

I still have many fears, but the Al-Anon program has shown me that my Higher Power will help me walk through them. I believe that there is a Power greater than myself, and I choose to trust this Power to know exactly what I need and when I need it.

Today’s Reminder

Today I can accept the changes occurring in my life and live more comfortably with them. I will trust in the God of my understanding, and my fears will diminish. I relax in this knowledge, knowing that I am always taken care of when I listen to my inner voice.

“We may wonder how we are going to get through all the stages and phases, the levels of growth and recovery… Knowing we are not alone often quiets our fears and helps us gain perspective.” ~ Living with Sobriety

END OF QUOTE—————————————

Living with alcoholism trained me to believe that chaos was safer than change. The storms were familiar, and I told myself that familiarity meant control. But the truth Al-Anon taught me is that this was only an illusion. I was powerless not only over alcohol, but also over the constant shifting ground beneath me. Change comes whether I resist it or not.

I used to believe every change was a threat, another disaster waiting to unfold. But when I look back, I see that some of the most life-giving transformations—like walking through the doors of 12 Step Recovery—began as changes I once feared. Fear said, “Don’t move.” Hope whispered, “Step forward.” And in time, I learned that my fear could coexist with faith until faith grew stronger.

I admit I still fear change, but I choose not to be ruled by it. Each time I walk through fear, I prove to myself that I can. I ask, What gift might this change hold? I hear in others’ stories the same tremors of fear, and I walk with them as they walk with me. I pause to see how far I’ve already come. I share my fear honestly in meetings, and it becomes less heavy. Change is no longer just loss—it is a doorway into the yet-unlived.

Instead of treating fear as a verdict, I now see it as a signal. It tells me I am stepping into new territory. The principles of this program—prayer, inventory, fellowship—equip me to take those steps with more serenity. The same program that once helped me simply survive chaos now helps me welcome change as a teacher.

I trust that my Higher Power knows what I need and when I need it. My fears don’t vanish, but they soften when I let myself rest in the care of Something greater than me. I don’t have to see the whole map; I only need to listen for the next right step. My inner voice, when tuned to the divine frequency, assures me I am never walking alone.

Endigar 1036

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on September 8, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Sep 19:

In making a list of all the people we have harmed (Step Eight), some names come to mind at once, while others require more thought. Our Fourth Step inventory can help to refresh our memories. We can ask ourselves about situations in which each character defect might have led us to act in a harmful manner and add the names of those concerned to our Eighth Step list.

We can also look at names already on the list and ask ourselves if we have behaved in similar fashion toward others. Many of us discover previously hidden patterns of destructive behavior as a result of putting this list in writing. Even when our defects were not involved, we may have harmed others despite the most honorable intentions. Their names also belong on the list.

Once we are clear about the harm we have done, it becomes possible to make changes and amends so that we can feel better about our behavior and about the way we relate to others.

Today’s Reminder

An Eighth Step list helps me to let go of guilt and regret I may be carrying from the past. I will approach this Step with love and gentleness because I take it for my own freedom.

“Our actions have consequences, and sometimes other people get hurt. By taking Step Eight, we acknowledge this fact and become willing to make amends.” ~ In All Our Affairs

END OF QUOTE—————————————

Step Eight: “Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.”

I once thought of amends as a grim duty, a payment for sins. But Recovery has reframed it for me. This list becomes less about punishment and more about preparation for freedom. The willingness to name and acknowledge is itself an act of love. It is as though my Higher Power whispers: “Your past does not define you, but it must be honored.” In that honoring comes release.

What I often find in Step Eight is the thread of repetition: the same defect woven through different relationships, manifesting in familiar harm. Writing these names down allows me to see the pattern clearly. And even when I acted from good intentions, the impact mattered more than my motives. This list is not about condemning myself—it’s about gathering the evidence of how my actions landed on others, so that I can walk forward free of guilt and regret.

I can approach Step Eight with gentleness, remembering:

  • This list is for my freedom.
  • Intentions matter less than impact.
  • Every name is a chance to reconnect with honesty and love.
  • Acknowledging harm is not self-condemnation, but the beginning of self-respect.

I face the truth of the harm I’ve done without hiding behind excuses. I keep writing, even when shame urges me to stop and I ask, “What hidden patterns are still shaping my relationships?”
I remember those I’ve harmed are more than characters in my story—they carry their own wounds. I put it in writing, refusing to leave the truth half-seen. I own my part, and in doing so, I reclaim my dignity. Each name is not only an echo of harm, but also a possibility for healing.

Endigar 1030

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on August 27, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Sep 15:

Night after sleepless night, I tossed and turned and worried. Why couldn’t I sleep? What was the matter with me? My life was stressful, but no more so than usual. I’d tried hot milk, reading in bed, soft music, even a visit to the doctor, but still I couldn’t get more than a few hours sleep. I was in a panic!

I spoke about my concerns in an Al-Anon meeting, and another member related a similar problem. What had helped him was to accept the situation fully and admit that he was powerless to make himself sleep. In retrospect, he said, his sleeplessness had been a blessing; it had kept him too tired to get into trouble.

I realized that the same was true for me. Instead of worrying compulsively about a loved one’s sobriety, watchful and nosy despite many attempts to mind my own business, lately I’ve been too tired to be overly involved in anything that wasn’t my concern. I had often prayed to be released from my obsessive worry, and now, in an unexpected way, my prayers seem to have been answered.

Today’s Reminder

My Higher Power’s gifts sometimes take unusual forms. Perhaps something I regard as a problem is really a form of assistance.

“Nothing is either good or bad. It’s thinking that makes it so.” – William Shakespeare

END OF QUOTE—————————————

My problem is the opposite of sleeplessness. In this season of life, sleep has become my greatest solace. I live alone, save for a cat who waits sweetly—if somewhat morbidly—to one day feast on my silent, non-breathing carcass. Within this private realm of rest, I pray. I seek connection. I don’t feel lost in depression, but rather suspended—sleep loosens the grip of my obsession with reaching the Infinite One.

Recently my ACA Sponsor sent me a YouTube video of Alan Watts titled No Friends, No Lovers, Just God and the Man Who Believes. Watts, for all his eloquence, never performed the kind of miracles that would convince me of his spiritual ascension. He was married three times, fathered seven children, and struggled with alcoholism until his death at 58. He also experimented with marijuana, LSD, mescaline, and—less certainly—psilocybin mushrooms. Though he wrote and lectured on the mystical potential of these substances, he warned against clinging to them, likening psychedelics to a telephone: useful for receiving a message, but pointless to keep “holding onto after the message has been delivered.”

I believe my Sponsor’s intent in sharing the video was not to highlight Watts’ life but his message: that learning to be comfortable with solitude is the first step to knowing yourself and connecting with God. Watts described this as an intense internal existence, where surrender in aloneness dissolves the need for human approval—and where serenity itself attracts others without effort. But to me, his own life does not reflect this ideal. Instead, I hear in it a mystical justification for chemical dependency and emotional absence within intimacy. Harsh? Perhaps. But it is my honest observation.

And here lies the paradox I keep encountering: the Higher Power’s gifts rarely come wrapped in gold. More often they arrive disguised in the ordinary—or even the unpleasant. A sleepless night. An overabundance of sleep. A closed door, an unwelcome delay. What I label as a problem may, in fact, be grace in work clothes. Acceptance is not resignation, but trust: that even this—this inconvenience, this seeming curse—might be the blessing I didn’t recognize I needed.

So I ask myself:

  • What if my present discomfort is secretly serving me?
  • What if the very thing I resent is the tool that keeps me from falling deeper into obsession?
  • Can I thank my Higher Power not only for comforts but for interruptions?

I admit—I hate oversleeping. And yet, perhaps it is not the enemy I’ve made it out to be. I keep showing up, even soul-tired, even unpolished, still trying to be useful. Maybe other “problems” in my life have been blessings in disguise, too. If sleep can shield me from obsession, perhaps another person’s burden hides its own strange grace.

I want to learn to seek usefulness in the unwanted. In meetings, I try to share my struggles openly, giving others permission to do the same. Could it be that sleep is not a thief after all, but a teacher?

Endigar 1029

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on August 26, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Sep 14:

Living with alcoholism taught me that it was best not to hope for anything. The lessons were too painful — I would get excited about something, only to have my hopes shattered. As time passed and hope diminished, I fell deeper into despair. Eventually I shut down my feelings and refused to care or to hope for anything at all.

Through Al-Anon’s Twelve Steps, I am discovering a spirituality that allows me to believe that there is every reason to hope. With my Higher Power’s help, regardless of my circumstances, I can feel fully alive in the moment and enjoy this feeling. The painful lessons of a lifetime are not unlearned overnight, but Al-Anon is helping me to learn that it is safe to feel, to hope, even to dream.

Today’s Reminder

It is risky to care — I may be disappointed. But in trying to protect myself from pain, I could cut myself off from the many delights that life has to offer. I will live more fully today.

“Years may wrinkle the skin, but to give up enthusiasm wrinkles the soul.” ~ Samuel Ullman

END OF QUOTE—————————————

NOTE: Samuel Ullman (1840–1924) was an American businessman, poet, humanitarian, and religious leader best remembered for his poem “Youth.”

Early Life

  • He was born in Hechingen, Germany, in 1840.
  • At the age of 11, he immigrated with his family to the United States, settling in Mississippi.
  • Samuel Ullman’s father, Jacob Ullman, operated a butcher shop in Port Gibson, Mississippi when the family settled there in 1851. Young Samuel assisted him each morning delivering orders before school and later helped purchase cattle for the business
  • When the Civil War broke out, Ullman, then in his early 20s, served in the Confederate Army. He was part of a local Mississippi unit.
  • Samuel Ullman wed Emma Mayer on May 24, 1867, in Natchez, Mississippi. They had a total of eight children. However, of these, six survived to adulthood, meaning two sadly passed away in early childhood

Career and Contributions

  • Ullman became a successful businessman in Birmingham, Alabama, after moving there in 1884.
  • He was deeply involved in civic life: he served on the Birmingham Board of Education, championed racial equality in education, and was active in religious and community causes.
  • As a lay leader in Temple Emanu-El (a Reform Jewish congregation), he was respected for his moral vision and emphasis on human dignity.
  • Jewish Leadership
    Ullman was raised in a Jewish family and carried his faith with him through his moves from Germany to Mississippi and later to Birmingham, Alabama.
    In Birmingham, he became a founding member of Temple Emanu-El (a Reform Jewish congregation). His leadership there was notable, as he worked to help establish Jewish religious life in what was still a very young and rapidly growing city.
    He also served as a lay leader, meaning he often led prayers, gave talks, and carried responsibilities when professional rabbis were unavailable.

    Service to the Community
    Ullman emphasized that religious duty was not confined to ritual, but extended to civic responsibility.
    He served on the Birmingham Board of Education and worked to promote racial justice and better schooling for African Americans at a time when this was rare. His religious values deeply influenced this advocacy, seeing education as a spiritual responsibility.

    Philosophy of Faith
    In his writings and speeches, Ullman often connected faith with youthfulness of spirit, stressing inner renewal and moral courage as religious acts.
    His famous poem Youth embodies this perspective: living with openness, hope, and vitality was for him not just personal philosophy, but a religious ethic.

    Practical Duties
    He helped guide Jewish worship and community structure at Temple Emanu-El.
    He lived by example, showing that religious duty extended to the way one treated others—through kindness, justice, and an unflagging commitment to growth.

His Poem “Youth”

  • Ullman is most famous for writing the poem “Youth,” which he composed later in life.
  • The poem emphasizes that youth is not defined by age but by attitude, imagination, and ideals.
  • It gained international fame largely because General Douglas MacArthur often quoted it and kept a framed copy in his office in Tokyo after World War II.
  • The poem became especially popular in Japan, where it continues to be read as an inspirational text.

Legacy

His life embodied service, cross-cultural respect, and the blending of business success with moral and civic duty.

In Birmingham, the Samuel Ullman Museum (part of the University of Alabama at Birmingham) preserves his legacy.

Youth by Samuel Ullman

Youth is not a time of life; it is a state of mind; it is not a matter of rosy cheeks, red lips and supple knees; it is a matter of the will, a quality of the imagination, a vigor of the emotions; it is the freshness of the deep springs of life.

Youth means a temperamental predominance of courage over timidity of the appetite, for adventure over the love of ease. This often exists in a man of sixty more than a body of twenty. Nobody grows old merely by a number of years. We grow old by deserting our ideals.

Years may wrinkle the skin, but to give up enthusiasm wrinkles the soul. Worry, fear, self-distrust bows the heart and turns the spirit back to dust.

Whether sixty or sixteen, there is in every human being’s heart the lure of wonder, the unfailing child-like appetite of what’s next, and the joy of the game of living. In the center of your heart and my heart there is a wireless station; so long as it receives messages of beauty, hope, cheer, courage and power from men and from the Infinite, so long are you young.

When the aerials are down, and your spirit is covered with snows of cynicism and the ice of pessimism, then you are grown old, even at twenty, but as long as your aerials are up, to catch the waves of optimism, there is hope you may die young at eighty.

END OF NOTE—————————————

When the lips are gone, the smile turns irrepressible.
When the orbs sink into the raven’s gut, the gaze remains ever watchful.
The oxygen tent is torn away, and nature’s breath flows unhindered.

Emptiness lingers—
the footprint of that wandering ghost we call freedom,
passing through walls of illusion without training wheels.

And in its wake,
hope rises, resurrecting life anew.


Living with alcoholism taught me that hope could feel like a trap. Each time I reached for it, I seemed to be punished: expectations raised, then crushed. So I trained myself not to hope at all. It felt safer to numb, safer to shut down, safer to live in a barren landscape than to risk the disappointment of a shattered dream. Yet beneath that silence, despair kept spreading roots.

The Twelve Steps have been my invitation back to hope. Not the fragile, conditional hope that depends on someone else’s behavior or on life bending to my demands — but the grounded hope that comes from turning my will and my life over to a Higher Power. With help, I’ve learned that it is safe to feel again, safe to open the heart a crack wider, safe to let the light in. Hope does not mean I will get everything I want; it means I can trust that whatever comes, I will not face it alone.

Yes, there is risk in caring. To love, to hope, to dream means stepping into vulnerability, and vulnerability always carries the possibility of pain. But pain is not the enemy — disconnection is. When I cut myself off to avoid being hurt, I also cut myself off from joy, laughter, intimacy, and the unexpected gifts life places along the way. Hope is not a guarantee against suffering, but it is the doorway into living fully


Today I can choose to treat each act of hope as a spiritual exercise:

  • When I allow myself to hope, I practice courage.
  • When I risk caring, I practice connection.
  • When I dream, I practice co-creating a life with my Higher Power.

1. Spiritual Honesty: I name my fear of disappointment.
2. Resilience: I let myself hope anyway.
3. Curiosity of the Soul: What possibilities open when I refuse despair?
4. Empathy and Compassion: Others fear hope too — my journey can reassure them.
5. Discipline in Reflection: Each day I test where I’ve hidden from hope, and I try again.
6. Courage to Be Seen: I confess that I want more from life — and that is holy.
7. Creative Insight: Hope is not fragile glass, it is a living seed — buried, yes, but insistent on breaking through.

Endigar 1023

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , on August 11, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Sep 08:

Is there anything that stands in the way of my trusting in a Higher Power? What obstacles block me from turning over my will and my life to God? In my case, the answer is obvious: I want guarantees. I hold out, thinking that I’ll come up with a new solution to my problems even though I’ve tried and failed, again and again. The risk of faith seems so great. If I turn a situation over, I won’t be in control. I can’t be sure I’ll get my way.

Yet I want recovery. If I continue to do what I have always done, I will continue to get what I have always gotten. I want the benefits that this spiritual program has to offer. Therefore, I must take the risk and let go and let God.

Maybe faith will bring me the results I seek, maybe not. Although there are no guarantees, the benefits of building a strong relationship with a Higher Power can help me to grow confident, strong, and capable of coping with whatever comes to pass long after this particular crisis has been resolved.

Today’s Reminder

Today I will make a contribution to my spiritual development. I will try to identify the obstacles that block my faith.

“Understanding is the reward of faith. Therefore, seek not to understand that thou mayest believe, but believe that thou mayest understand.” – Aurelius Augustinus

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NOTE: Aurelius Augustinus — better known in English as Saint Augustine of Hippo — was a Christian theologian, philosopher, and bishop who lived from 354 to 430 CE.

He’s one of the most influential figures in Western Christianity and philosophy, often considered a bridge between the ancient Roman world and the emerging medieval Christian thought.

Key points about him:

Death: Died in 430 CE during the siege of Hippo by the Vandals.

Early Life: Born in Thagaste (present-day Souk Ahras, Algeria), in Roman North Africa. His mother, Monica, was a devout Christian; his father, Patricius, was a pagan.

Youth & Conversion: Augustine lived a restless and hedonistic youth, famously describing his early desires and moral struggles in his Confessions. He followed the Manichaean religion for a time, then explored Neoplatonism before converting to Christianity at age 31 under the influence of Saint Ambrose of Milan.

Bishop of Hippo: He became the bishop of Hippo Regius (modern Annaba, Algeria) and served for over 30 years.

Major Works:

Confessions — a spiritual autobiography and philosophical meditation.

The City of God — a monumental defense of Christianity against pagan critics after the sack of Rome in 410.

On Christian Doctrine — guidelines for interpreting Scripture.

Theology: His writings deeply shaped Western ideas on original sin, divine grace, predestination, and the relationship between the Church and the state.

When I look at the question, What’s standing in the way of my trusting God?—my instinct is to look outward. I think of circumstances, other people, unanswered prayers. But when I slow down, I usually find the real obstacle staring back at me in the mirror.

For me, it’s not that I can’t believe in a Higher Power—it’s that I still want a contract instead of a relationship. I want terms and conditions that guarantee comfort, safety, and a life arranged according to my preferences. I want to sign on with God only if He signs off on my blueprint. That’s not faith. That’s control disguised as piety.

I’ve learned that this program asks me to risk something I’ve held tightly for a long time—my illusion of control. If I wait until I feel safe to take the risk, I will never take it. I can either keep doing what hasn’t worked and get the same results, or I can step into the discomfort of surrender and see what’s on the other side.

When I do let go, I’m often surprised to find that faith doesn’t always give me the outcome I was after—it gives me something sturdier. It builds my capacity to endure, to adapt, and sometimes to even welcome the unexpected. I find myself equipped not just for the crisis of today, but for the ones I can’t yet see.

I will name the obstacles between me and faith—fear, pride, self-reliance that’s really self-protection. And I will make a small, conscious choice to loosen my grip, even if it’s just for a moment. That moment might be all God needs to slip something new into my hands.

Endigar 1014

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 25, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Aug 31:

I have often tried to change other people to suit my own desires. I knew what I needed, and if those needs weren’t met, the problem was with the other person. I was looking for someone who would always be there for me but would not impose on me very much. Looking back, it’s almost as if I were looking for a pet rather than a human being. Naturally, this outlook put a strain on my relationships. In Al-Anon I have learned there is a difference between what I expect and what I need. No one person can be all things to me.

Once again I’m faced with examining my own attitudes. What do I expect, and is that expectation realistic? Do I respect other people’s individuality — or only the parts that suit my fancy? Do I appreciate what I do receive?

Today’s Reminder

Trying to change other people is futile, foolish, and certainly not loving. Today, instead of assuming that they are the problem, I can look at myself to see what needs changing within.

“The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves and not to twist them to fit our own image.” – Thomas Merton

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Thomas Merton (1915–1968) was a Trappist monk, writer, mystic, and social critic who became one of the most influential spiritual voices of the 20th century. Born in France and raised in Europe and the United States, Merton led a bohemian life as a young man before converting to Catholicism. In 1941, he entered the Abbey of Gethsemani, a Trappist monastery in Kentucky, where he lived for most of his life.

His spiritual autobiography The Seven Storey Mountain (1948) became an unexpected bestseller and is still considered a modern spiritual classic. It details his early life, conversion, and monastic calling.

He went on to write over 70 books covering Christian mysticism, contemplation, interfaith dialogue, and social justice.

A Trappist monk is someone who has surrendered to silence, who seeks daily spiritual clarity not through dogma but through disciplined reflection and holy routine. Their life is a metaphor for Step Eleven: “Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God…”

There was a time when I mistook control for connection. I would extend my heart like a leash—expecting those around me to conform, comply, and complete the parts of me I didn’t want to face alone. If they disappointed me, I blamed them. If they didn’t anticipate my emotional hunger or accommodate my fragility, My reflex might be to see it as betrayal. I didn’t realize that my coping instincts was to turn people into projects, lovers into lifeboats, and friends into mirrors who I expected to reflect back only what I liked.

The 12 Step recovery program taught me to pause long enough to ask: Am I loving this person—or managing them? Am I present to their reality—or editing their soul to make myself more comfortable?

In my desperation for safety, I had unknowingly tried to create emotional pets—warm, quiet, predictable companions who would never challenge me, never need me too much, never step outside the lines of what I could handle. But people aren’t pets. They’re sacred, stormy, living mysteries. And love isn’t domestication.

Through Step work, I’ve begun to see how my expectations—often rooted in fear, fantasy, or unmet childhood needs—distort my view of others. What I wanted from someone wasn’t always what I needed. And what I needed wasn’t always theirs to give. No one person can carry the full weight of my healing. That’s Higher Power territory.

So now, when I feel the itch to fix someone, I know to turn inward. The irritation may be revealing a part of me that still aches, still fears, still craves control disguised as care.

Recovery has not made me immune to longing—but it’s made me more honest about it. I can want closeness without suffocation. I can desire intimacy without rewriting someone’s script. I can love without needing to be worshipped.

Today, I remember:
The beginning of love is not to shape but to see.
To meet another soul not with conditions, but with presence.
To give the grace I crave.
To surrender the illusion of control.
To let people be.

And in that letting go—I become freer too.