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Endigar 1037 – PSA: Citalopram (SSRI) vs. Phenibut (GABA derivative)

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on September 8, 2025 by endigar

Several years back, in the process of going through counseling, I realized that I suffered from social anxiety. I had the added realization when someone very close to me pointed out that it seemed to her that I was an extrovert with a social anxiety issue. That bit of self-knowledge resonated as true when I began looking back over my depressive paralysis. At some point, I decided I needed to find some way to deal with the anxiety that was not alcoholic and was not illegal. I found a “supplement” online called Phenibut. Testimony of reduced anxiety and effective exercise and increased confidence in socialization seemed like just the thing for me. I ordered it and the immediate relief I felt was pure paradise for me. It did not take long for me to fall in love with Phenibut.

But there has to be a moderate dose and two days of abstinence to resist the chemical’s quick build up of tolerance. I also ignored a small print warning about that fact that this chemical duplicates some of the same Gaba receptor connections that is common in alcoholism. I focused on the “positive.” My social anxiety was gone. Not reduced. Gone. I soon discovered that a little bit of anxiety is a good thing. I was correcting my college professors for their lack of good classroom management, I became an absolute brute in my intimate relationships, I compromised the recovery of a young lady by taking her captive, figuratively, and moving her into my living space without consideration for my Father who also lived with me. I could go one. In short, I became the monster I always feared to become.

Like the owner of the Mogwai in the Gremlins movie, I did not follow the rules of safe intake. And I had to take more and more to get the effect I wanted. Eventually, I dropped into a near overdose event and had to be transported to the hospital from my college campus. I told the medical community that I had taken too much Benadryl. When I finally came clean about what I had ingested, they were furious and said giving them wrong information could cause them to give me wrong and possibly harmful treatment. They had never heard of Phenibut, because it was a chemical developed in the Soviet Union. As I withdrew from a potentially lethal dose, I began to have hallucinations and a complete break with reality. Paranoia was off the charts. I was just a few steps from being committed to the psych ward.

The doctor told me that it looked like I was attempting suicide because of the 10 mg dose I had taken (maybe more) and that he could not release me unless I promised to see a psychiatrist immediately. I promised and under grief for the betrayal of my chemical paradise, I went to the VA. There I was prescribed Citalopram Hydrobromide. My counselor at the VA said they began to see other vets coming in for Phenibut overdose. That chemical has since been made illegal in my state.

The Citalopram did not excite that itch for chemical intensity. It moved slowly and almost undetected. But it was effective with some side effects. When my anxiety rises, I get sleepy, and if I resist the rest, I get a headache. But this situation is manageable. The only problem is that I have to use personal discipline rather than addictive drive to take the required daily dose. And when I quit taking it, I feel the creative spark more clearly. But then the anxiety-driven depressive episodes return.

I have recently returned to the medication and decided I will have to learn to deal with the side effects.

I asked Lucien (AI) to give a break down on the two substances. I hope this serves as a warning to Alcoholics/Addicts to stay away from Phenibut.

Citalopram Hydrobromide

is a prescription antidepressant that belongs to the class of drugs called SSRIs (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors). It’s most commonly used to treat major depressive disorder (MDD) and sometimes generalized anxiety disorder (GAD), though for anxiety it is often prescribed “off-label” depending on the region.

Here’s a breakdown:

How It Works

  • Citalopram increases the availability of serotonin (a neurotransmitter linked to mood, sleep, and anxiety regulation) by preventing its reabsorption (reuptake) into nerve cells.
  • Over time (typically 2–6 weeks), this helps stabilize mood and reduce symptoms of anxiety or depression.

Uses

  • FDA-approved: Major depressive disorder (adults).
  • Common off-label uses: Generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder, OCD, social anxiety disorder, and sometimes PTSD.

Dosage

  • Typically starts at 10–20 mg daily.
  • May be increased up to 40 mg daily (doses above 40 mg are generally avoided due to heart rhythm risks).
  • Elderly patients or those with liver issues are usually limited to 20 mg daily.

Side Effects

Common:

  • Nausea, dry mouth, sweating, drowsiness or insomnia, sexual dysfunction, tremors, fatigue.

Serious (less common):

  • QT prolongation (a heart rhythm disturbance, especially at higher doses).
  • Low sodium (hyponatremia).
  • Increased risk of bleeding (especially with NSAIDs or blood thinners).
  • Rarely, serotonin syndrome if combined with other serotonergic drugs (symptoms: agitation, confusion, rapid heart rate, muscle rigidity).

Precautions

  • Should not be combined with MAO inhibitors or certain other psychiatric medications.
  • Dose adjustments may be needed in the elderly or those with liver disease.
  • Regular monitoring may include EKG for those at risk of heart rhythm changes.

Discontinuation

  • Should not be stopped suddenly—tapering under medical supervision is recommended to avoid withdrawal-like symptoms (dizziness, irritability, flu-like feelings).

Phenibut

is a synthetic central nervous system depressant that was first developed in the Soviet Union in the 1960s. It is not approved as a prescription medication in the U.S. or most Western countries, but it has been prescribed in Russia and some Eastern European nations for decades as a treatment for anxiety, insomnia, PTSD, and certain neurological disorders.

Here’s a clear overview:

What It Is

  • Chemical class: A derivative of the neurotransmitter GABA (gamma-aminobutyric acid), with a phenyl group added so it can cross the blood–brain barrier more effectively than GABA itself.
  • Mechanism: Primarily acts as a GABA-B receptor agonist (like baclofen) and also has some action on GABA-A and dopamine systems. This gives it calming, anxiolytic (anti-anxiety), and mild euphoric effects.

Effects

Desired / Reported:

  • Reduces anxiety and social inhibition.
  • Improves mood, relaxation, and sometimes cognitive performance under stress.
  • Sedative and sleep-inducing at higher doses.
  • Some report mild euphoria or enhanced sociability.

Onset/Duration:

  • Onset is slow (2–4 hours after ingestion).
  • Effects may last 6–15 hours depending on dose and individual metabolism.

Medical Uses (in Russia/Eastern Europe)

  • Anxiety and neurosis.
  • Insomnia.
  • PTSD.
  • Vestibular disorders (like vertigo).
  • Sometimes used preoperatively to calm patients.

Risks & Side Effects

  • Tolerance builds quickly, meaning users often escalate doses.
  • Withdrawal can be severe—including anxiety, insomnia, hallucinations, tremors, and in extreme cases, seizures. This makes it potentially dangerous if used daily for more than a short time.
  • Side effects may include:
    • Drowsiness or fatigue
    • Nausea
    • Irritability
    • Dizziness
    • Loss of motor coordination at high doses

Overdose risks: At high levels, Phenibut can cause unconsciousness, respiratory depression, or death (especially if combined with alcohol or other depressants).

Legal Status

  • Russia & some Eastern countries: Approved medication (sold under brand names like Noofen or Anvifen).
  • U.S. & most of Europe: Not an approved drug; sold online as a “nootropic” or supplement, but the FDA has issued warnings and banned it from dietary supplements.

Comparison

  • Similar in some ways to benzodiazepines (like Xanax or Valium), but acts on different receptor systems (GABA-B vs. GABA-A).
  • Often compared to baclofen (a muscle relaxant with GABA-B activity).
  • More addictive and withdrawal-prone than people first assume.

Bottom line: Phenibut can feel helpful in the short term for anxiety or sleep, but it carries a high risk of dependence and withdrawal, making it a risky option outside medical supervision.

Citalopram (SSRI) vs. Phenibut (GABA derivative)

1. Classification

  • Citalopram Hydrobromide
    • Prescription antidepressant.
    • Class: SSRI (Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor).
    • Approved by FDA (U.S.) for depression, often prescribed off-label for anxiety.
  • Phenibut
    • Not FDA-approved; legal as a supplement in some countries, prescription drug in Russia.
    • Class: GABA derivative / GABA-B receptor agonist.
    • Originally developed as an anxiolytic and sleep aid in Soviet medicine.

2. Mechanism of Action

  • Citalopram
    • Increases serotonin levels in the brain by blocking reuptake.
    • Works slowly; takes 2–6 weeks for therapeutic effect.
    • Indirectly stabilizes mood and reduces anxiety over time.
  • Phenibut
    • Direct GABA-B agonist, plus weak dopamine effects.
    • Works quickly (within 2–4 hours).
    • Calms the nervous system directly, producing sedation, relaxation, and reduced anxiety.

3. Onset & Duration

  • Citalopram
    • Gradual onset, no immediate “relief.”
    • Must be taken daily for cumulative effect.
    • Duration depends on continuous treatment.
  • Phenibut
    • Acute relief: noticeable calmness/sedation same day.
    • Lasts 6–15 hours.
    • Not intended for daily long-term use due to tolerance and dependence.

4. Efficacy for Anxiety

  • Citalopram
    • Strong evidence base for depression, generalized anxiety, panic disorder, OCD.
    • Best for long-term management of anxiety.
    • Lower risk of abuse.
  • Phenibut
    • Effective short-term anxiolytic; users often report rapid social ease and relief.
    • No robust clinical trials in Western medicine.
    • High risk of tolerance, withdrawal, and misuse.

5. Risks & Side Effects

  • Citalopram
    • Common: nausea, insomnia, sexual dysfunction, sweating, fatigue.
    • Serious: QT prolongation (heart rhythm issue), serotonin syndrome (if combined with other serotonergic drugs).
    • Withdrawal possible, but manageable with taper.
  • Phenibut
    • Common: drowsiness, dizziness, nausea, irritability.
    • Serious: rapid tolerance, severe withdrawal (hallucinations, seizures, psychosis), overdose risk especially with alcohol/benzos.
    • Risk of compulsive re-dosing due to euphoric/social effects.

6. Legal/Medical Standing

  • Citalopram
    • Fully integrated into psychiatric treatment worldwide.
    • Prescribed under medical supervision with lab and heart monitoring if needed.
  • Phenibut
    • Not recognized in U.S./Western medicine.
    • Available online but flagged by FDA.
    • Considered a gray-market nootropic rather than a safe therapeutic.

7. Bottom Line

  • Citalopram:
    • Safe, studied, effective for long-term management of depression and anxiety.
    • Requires patience for onset.
    • Controlled use with low abuse potential.
  • Phenibut:
    • Feels powerful and fast for short-term relief, but high risk of addiction, dependence, and withdrawal.
    • Best avoided outside strict medical supervision (rare outside Russia).

In short:

  • Citalopram = steady, safe long-term anchor for mood/anxiety.
  • Phenibut = tempting quick fix, but dangerous if relied upon.

This is a story about identity under pressure and the way substances can masquerade as salvation before revealing their claws. Let me mirror it back to you with some careful structure, honoring the voice you’ve already established:

Witness to Paradise and Ruin

  • You describe Phenibut as “pure paradise,” and that line lands heavy — because it reveals how quickly anxiety’s prison door seemed to swing open. The relief was not gradual; it was total, absolute. No wonder you fell in love.
  • But paradise had rules. You name them clearly: moderation, abstinence windows, genetic vulnerabilities. Like the Mogwai in Gremlins, those rules weren’t whimsical; they were guardrails. And ignoring them turned liberation into possession.

The Transformation

  • I notice you framed your behavior under Phenibut as monstrous: correcting professors, domineering intimacy, collapsing boundaries at home. The self you feared to become was not an illusion — it was the chemical unmasking unchecked impulses once softened by anxiety.
  • That honesty is rare: you aren’t romanticizing the experience, nor sanitizing it. You’re testifying to the price of paradise when it’s borrowed instead of earned.

The Collapse

  • The near-overdose, the false cover story (“too much Benadryl”), the doctor’s fury — these moments mark the shift from “private experiment” to “public crisis.” The hallucinations and paranoia weren’t metaphors; they were the tangible cost of crossing the invisible line between therapeutic and toxic.

The Turning

  • What’s striking is how the illegal Soviet orphan-chemical led you, in grief, to the legal veteran’s clinic — and to Citalopram Hydrobromide.
  • Here the contrast couldn’t be sharper:
    • Phenibut: sudden, intoxicating, catastrophic.
    • Citalopram: slow, steady, sober — a discipline, not a thrill.
  • You name the central paradox: addictive drive makes obedience easy, but discipline requires will.

The Ongoing Tension

  • You are caught between spark and stability. Off medication, the creative fire is clearer — but anxiety drags you back into depressive paralysis. On medication, the fire is muted, but life steadies into something manageable.
  • This is the paradox of many artists and seekers: whether to burn brightly in chaos, or to build steadily in peace.

Your Testament

What you’ve written is not just testimony — it is a map for others who might flirt with the same chemical temptations. It names:

  • The seduction of quick relief.
  • The horror of rule-breaking.
  • The sober contrast of safer, slower medicine.
  • The ongoing spiritual work of choosing discipline over intoxication.

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Endigar 988

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on June 25, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Aug 11:

When I feel I just can’t face the world and want nothing more than to bury my head under the covers and hide, I know I need an Al-Anon meeting! I may have to push myself out the door, but I always feel better – and saner – when I break the isolation and reach out for help, I usually feel relief the minute I walk into an Al-Anon room, even if it’s a meeting I’ve never attended before. I find a healing, comforting Power in these rooms, a Power greater than myself. And because my Higher Power speaks through other people, I often hear exactly what I need.

We all go through periods of sadness, lethargy, and grief – that’s part of life. But depression can become a habit that perpetuates itself, unless I intercede by acting on my own behalf. Al-Anon cannot solve every problem, and if depression lingers, I may want to consider seeking professional help. But more often than not, what I need to do is bring my body to an Al-Anon meeting. I know that no matter how I feel, when I take an action to get some help, I make myself available to the Higher Power in these rooms.

Today’s Reminder

When in doubt, I will go to an Al-Anon meeting and invite my Higher Power to do for me what I cannot do for myself.

“There are times when I have to hurt through a situation and when this happens, the choice is not whether to hurt or not to hurt, but what to do while I am hurting.” ~ . . . In All Our Affairs

END OF QUOTE—————————————

There are mornings when the very idea of existence feels unbearable. I wake up heavy—not always with sorrow, sometimes with nothing at all, just a kind of gray emptiness that clings to my bones. The thought of facing the day feels like too much. My bed becomes not just a place of rest, but a cave, a hiding place, an invisible tomb. That is when I know—this is not where I’m meant to stay.

When I feel the pull to disappear, it is often a whisper from the part of me that remembers what it’s like to be alone too long. I used to think I needed to feel better before I could go to a meeting. Now I know better: I go because I don’t feel better.

Dragging my body to a recovery room—sometimes that is the miracle. I don’t have to be wise. I don’t have to be inspired. I just have to show up. The healing begins with presence. My heart may still feel numb, my thoughts may still swirl with shame or resistance, but something always shifts the moment I walk through the door. Even when the faces are unfamiliar, the spiritual gravity is the same: I am not alone.

I would like to say that I have stopped expecting thunder and lightning when I seek divine guidance. More often, my Higher Power sounds like a shaky voice across a circle. A soft laugh during a break. That is the voice that meets me in my pain—not to erase it, but to sit with me while I hurt. And somehow, that shared pain becomes bearable.

I suppose there is a difference between feeling grief and becoming it. Depression can become a rhythm, a posture. Left unchecked, it convinces me that it’s just who I am. But I’ve learned that while I can’t always choose whether I hurt, I can choose what to do while I’m hurting. I can choose to reach for light even if I’m not sure I’ll feel its warmth right away.

I’ve heard it said that faith is a verb. In my darkest moments, faith looks like keys in my hand and shoes on my feet. It looks like driving to a meeting even while the voice in my head insists I won’t be welcome, or I won’t be helped, or I’m too broken this time. Especially then, I go. Because those voices are not God. They are the residue of old survival patterns trying to masquerade as truth.

I’ve learned to walk anyway.

Today, I don’t have to wait to feel good to do good for myself.
I can hurt and still walk.
I can doubt and still show up.
I can fall into silence and still be heard.

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Endigar 919

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 6, 2025 by endigar

Courage to Change of Jun 12:

Since the Tenth Step is part of my daily routine, I try to think of it as a gentle, warm, and loving way to take care of myself. By continuing to take my own inventory and promptly admitting when I am wrong, I clear out many unwanted attitudes that might otherwise clutter my day.

This Step has helped me to learn that living one day at a time involves more than pulling my attention back from fears about the future. It also means leaving yesterday’s baggage in the past. Each day I ask myself if carrying this extra weight will in any way help me today. If not, I can drop it here and now and walk away from unwanted negativity with a lightness of spirit.

Today’s Reminder

On this new day, let me quietly reflect and search out any negative feelings that are left over from yesterday. Old resentments will interfere with my serenity today. Perhaps it is time to let them go.

“Each day, each new moment can be an opportunity to clear the air and start again, fresh and free.”

…In All Our Affairs

END OF QUOTE—————————————

I have trouble with letting go of the day. A new day doesn’t usually feel like something given to me, but something arriving to take me in directions I prefer not to go. But the darkness of eventide provides me with a respite, a playground for my imagination, a place where the exploration of ideas meets no criticism from the collective machine that grinds through the daylight. I am jealous for this time, and allowing a ritual such as Step Ten to accompany me to this sacred escape is not something I relish.

Yet, had I not invited alcohol, gaming, and movie binging into this temple of Morpheus because I was eaten away with thought worms that fed off my life. Neither the parasitic worms nor the solutions of escapism provided me with respite, release, or freedom. The deadliest criticisms I had to endure never came from the surrounding society. Step Ten allows me to smash all the mirrors that have nothing to do with my own personal inventory and to stop trying to hit targets for my life provided by ghosts of inadequacy. It is never the day that needs to be renewed. It is me. A well informed spirit has no fear of walking in the daylight. I desire that. Thus, I surrender the quiet to my Higher Power through this ritual.

“Can you imagine the number of mirrors this man must have smashed?” ~ J.K. Rowling

Yes. I can. He had to smash every single mirror, except one. I keep mine clean and clear with Step Ten. To your own self be true.

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Endigar 918

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 9, 2024 by endigar

Courage to Change of Jun 11:

Step Nine says I need not make direct amends to those I have injured if, in doing so, I might cause further injury. How do I know whether or not to take action?

If direct amends are inappropriate, I can trust my Higher Power to let me know. Otherwise, if I have worked the Eighth Step and become truly willing to make amends, I believe the opportunities will arise when I am ready.

For example, I was unable to discuss my personal life with my mother. Fearing her rejection, I rejected her instead. An upcoming visit presented an opportunity to make amends, but I wasn’t sure I was ready. Would making amends at this tie injure me?

After my mother arrived, I had the feeling that this was “the time.” I prayed for courage and asked my Higher Power to help me find the words. My mother sat down with me in a quiet moment and, to my amazement, brought up every subject I had wanted to discuss. I realized that the opportunity to be close to her had always existed, but I hadn’t been willing, until then, to take part in it.

Today’s Reminder

My Higher Power does not put any challenges before me that I am unable to face. The comfort I find in that knowledge can overcome my fears.

“The lure of the distant and the difficult is deceptive. The great opportunity is where you are.”

~ John Burroughs

END OF QUOTE—————————————

It sounds to me that the best approach to the Step Eight and Nine amends is to list all, to become willing to make amends to all, and then, after an honest conversation with my sponsor or other points of accountability, to make a notation, a mark, and to set aside those that might cause further harm.

These set-aside amends, I make to my Higher Power and seek inspiration for a lifestyle amends. I pray for those who deserved an amends from me, and only if my Higher Power gives me opportunity and inspiration, do I carefully move forward.

Otherwise, I change the way I live in honor of that karmic debt.

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Endigar 912

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 7, 2024 by endigar

Courage to Change of Jun 10:

When it came time to actively pursue the Eighth Step (“Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all”), I stopped dead in my tracks! I knew of quite a few people I had harmed but I was absolutely unwilling to even consider making amends to some of them!

My Sponsor suggested I divide my list into three categories: those to whom I was willing to make amends, those to whom I might make amends; and those to whom I would absolutely not ever make amends. When I finished, I started Step Nine by making amends to those on the first list.

The amazing thing was that, as I proceeded, I found some of the names from my “maybe” list shifting to my “willing” list. In time, even some “absolutely not” people appeared on my “maybe” list. Eventually it became easier to make amends, even to “absolutely not” people. My reward? Some renewed friendships and family ties; more importantly, an ability to face the new day without guilt, because I had owned up to my responsibilities.

Today’s Reminder

I will not let myself be stopped from taking Step Eight or Step Nine because I can’t do it perfectly overnight. I will let myself be where I am today, and do what I am able to do.

“It does not matter how slowly you go

So long as you do not stop.”

~ Confucius

END OF QUOTE—————————————

I was told to face my most difficult amends first. I suppose I was willing to take on the entire list as long as it was taken one by one in my mind. I gave my full attention to one target at a time making sure that I was prepared to actively listen, to consider and learn for my own battle with that mental obsession, and with the hope of finding a very pragmatic way to make things right. I spent time with my Sponsor preparing, to make sure that I was not preaching nor was I making it about me. It was the beginning of learning to be an active listener which is a skill I need as a Sponsor. It was just another way I was being enhanced or modified by the process. One Step at a time toward a better, freer version of myself.

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Endigar 907

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 18, 2024 by endigar

Courage to Change of Jun 9:

When my study of the Steps reached Step Seven (“Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings”), I stumbled on the very first word. “Humble!” I thought, “The last thing I need is to be more humble.” Hadn’t I been humble all my life, putting everyone’s needs ahead of my own? What had it ever brought me except abuse?

But Al-Anon suggested that perhaps I had confused humility with humiliation. Humility does not mean begging for mercy. Real humility, I discovered, is the ability to see my true relationship to God and to my fellow human beings.

The second word wasn’t much easier. I had learned not to ask anyone for anything. Al-Anon showed that my knowledge and experience are limited. I don’t know all the answers – and I don’t have to know them! I can ask for help.

My concept of the last word has also changed. I used to think of shortcomings as crimes, faults, sins, or mistakes. Now I think of them as blocks within me that prevent me from reaching my full potential and distance me from my Higher Power.

Today’s Reminder

There are many things that I can do to improve my life and to further my recovery, but I cannot heal myself. Today I can ask for help in becoming free of all that blocks me from my true self.

“If my problems have brought me to prayer, then they have served a purpose.”

~ As We Understood . . .

END OF QUOTE—————————————

Step 7 – Humbly asked Him, the God of our understanding, to remove our shortcomings.

Alternative versions of the Seventh Step minus humility:

Step 7 – Impatiently told the God of our understanding to get His ass over here and remove our shortcomings.

Step 7 – Expectantly allowed God to review our self-appraisal and remove the shortcomings we have identified.

Step 7 – Resentfully asked God to remove His own shortcomings of neglectful detachment and blood magic.

Step 7 – Apathetically told God our shortcomings and their elimination are His job and not ours.

Step 7 – Despairingly asked God to remove our emotions and transform us into automatons.

Step 7 – Fearfully asked God to print out a blueprint of self-transformation and cheer us on as we prevent social criticism.

Humility activates the magic of connection and is necessary to embrace the truth of my situation. For me, this Step touches on the one aspect of this program that gives us permission to seek out the loving supernatural of something greater than myself, that truly seems to care about my life and our Fellowship. It is the beginning of seeking conscious contact with My Higher Power.

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Endigar 905

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 12, 2024 by endigar

Courage to Change of Jun 8:

Step Six speaks of being entirely ready to have God remove all my defects of character. Yet I find that I often cling to my defects because they give me a certain amount of pleasure.

What defects could possibly give me pleasure? Revenge, for one. I spend lots of time creating mental scenarios in which I punish those who have hurt me. I also get a great deal of enjoyment from thinking that I am never wrong; in other words, I cling to my pride. Yet these characteristics are defects that get in the way of living the king of life I want to live and prevent me from treating myself and others with love and respect. There is abundant reason to let them go, but to do so, I have to become willing to lose the enjoyment they sometimes deliver.

My recovery will have a giant void as long as I am unwilling to give up my shortcomings. If I want healing, I must turn over my will, my life, and my character defects to God.

Today’s Reminder

Are the small, temporary pleasures I get from my defects of character worth the price I am paying to keep them? If not, I may be entirely ready to let some of them go today.

“I know that help is waiting only for my acceptance, waiting for me to say, ‘Not my will but Thine be done.”

~ The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage

END OF QUOTE—————————————

The primary focus of removing defects of character aka shortcomings is to remove thoughts and behaviors which impede my connection with my Higher Power. I suspect that some of them might remain to keep me in need of my Higher Power until other more subtle but insidious defects are discovered and targeted for removal. The litmus test for me is to ask what is getting in the way of being a part of something bigger than myself. What makes me devalue a fellowship that has my best interest at heart? What turns the genuineness of my interaction with the Higher Power into perfunctory ritual? What calls to me to become a god in isolation rather than a child of the Infinite, a dweller between the worlds?

I want to change frequencies and connect to the beyond. I am entirely ready.

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Endigar 903

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 25, 2024 by endigar

Courage to Change of Jun 7:

When I took Step Five I looked carefully at the words, “Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being . . ..” The order of these words, placing God first, then myself, and then someone else, struck me. So often I have been vaguely aware of some truth in my life that I was unwilling to admit to myself. Yet my Higher Power had already placed that thought in my mind. He must have –if I’m trying to ignore it, I surely didn’t put it there.

I try to use this when making decisions about my life. When I assume that my Higher Power has already put the answer in my mind, I can then be willing to acknowledge that answer– whether I think I’ll like it or not. It may rise up into my awareness right away, or it may take some time and patience, but I can trust that it will become clear. Then I share my thoughts with another person I trust. This process helps me to take action on the answers I receive and to move forward with my life.

Today’s Reminder

There is nothing in life that need confound me. With my Higher Power’s help, I can find the answer to any problem I face. This knowledge gives me courage to follow through with action. I need only be willing to accept the answer I receive.

“Look within! . . . The secret is inside you.”

~ Hui-neng

END OF QUOTE—————————————

There was once a great argument about whether zero actually exists. Mathematics deals with calculations of what is. Was there actually a place where absolute nothingness was true? In the end, pragmatism won out. Zero makes mathematics work. Is the concept of God a variable for the absolute infinity of existence? In the 12 Step program, the God concept wins out because it works. Not because we can answer with absolutes.

“I try to use this when making decisions about my life.” Pragmatism over absolutes. Transformation over transaction. I never face impossibilities, mystery, or completions without a surrender to my Higher Power’s pragmatic reality protecting my efforts. As in mathematics, I have an “order of operation.” I seek inspiration from the macro-infinity (God out there), confirmation from the micro-infinity (God within me) and working validation through the connective infinity of those invested in recovery of the highest version of self.

Personology is a word I created by splicing Personal Mythology. Because the denotation of mythology is something not true but fabricated from imagination, it was inadequate to describe what I meant when I said Personal Mythology. There are four parameters that define one’s Personology:

  • Creative Story Writing to capture elusive or paradoxical concepts and express them with the simplest clarity possible
  • Spiritual Hypothesis Testing to explore incoming evidence and ongoing experience with life beyond the organic veil
  • Establishes a Peace Treaty with the swirling chaos and mystery of our environment
  • Provides Pragmatic Inspiration for the living of our individual mortal lives

Use it if it fulfills the pragmatic imperative of your recovery.

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Endigar 902

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 12, 2024 by endigar

Courage to Change of Jun 6:

How easy it can be to justify our own unacceptable behavior! Perhaps we excuse ourselves, claiming that we were provoked or had no choice. Or we dismiss our actions by telling ourselves that everyone does the same thing. With these and other justifications, we pretend that our wrongs don’t count. This denial must be overcome when we take the Fourth Step.

With this Step we take a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. It is fearless because of the strong spiritual foundation we have established by taking the first three Steps. It is moral because we list what we feel has been right or wrong about our conduct. And it is searching. The only way we can take this Step thoroughly, searchingly, is to resist the desire to justify and excuse what we uncover. It may demand courage and self-discipline, but by freely acknowledging who we have been, we can make positive changes about who we are becoming.

Today’s Reminder

I am a human being with strengths and weaknesses, capable of achievements and mistakes. Because I accept this, I can look closely at myself. Today I will find something to appreciate and something to improve.

“You never find yourself until you face the truth.”

~ Pearl Bailey

END OF QUOTE—————————————

There are several delusion producers in my life: programing from a dysfunctional family, addiction’s self-protection in my psyche, layers of fear from perceived threats, and the manifold coping skills to accommodate pain aversion.

In the 12 Step program, I have found that Hope and Action with a litmus test of whether I am helpful to others is my primary method of living a genuine life. Hope targets a destination of value. Action keeps that hope from metastasizing into wishful thinking. The usefulness to others proves the value of my work.

The moral inventory helps me see the truth about me and the life I have been living. It is a process that gives spirituality and self-recovery a pragmatic push toward fulfilment of whatever part of the Higher Power has been embedded within.

https://youtube.com/watch?v=MMWo-dTNGiA%3Fsi%3D-YYXZiN_Q96ZX1Xf

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Endigar 900

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 26, 2024 by endigar

Courage to Change of Jun 5:

The Third Step talks about placing my will and my life in the care of a Higher Power. For me, this Power is a presence that loves me as I am, that accepts me with compassion on the bad days as well as the good. Once I have accepted that the destructive presence of another’s alcoholism has affected my life, I need the benevolent influence of a Power untouched by this disease. What I do in turning over my will and my life is to become receptive to guidance; I become willing to accept the care of a Power greater than myself.

I think of this care as a source of love and support that surrounds me in my daily life. I do not need to earn it or to work for it; I need only be receptive to it. I continue to have a will to exercise and a life to live, but I do so bathed in a light of love and understanding.

Today’s Reminder

When I open my heart to a Power that fills me with love and acceptance, I can begin to extend those qualities to others. I may not do it perfectly or even consistently, but I can recognize my progress one day at a time.

“God’s gifts put man’s best dreams to shame.”

~ Elizabeth Barret Browning

END OF QUOTE—————————————

I did not seek a Power “untouched by this disease.” There is a natural cruelty to a Higher Power that only officiates the big, infinite reality of life. I looked for a power intimately acquainted with my own suffering. I looked for a Power that embraced my individual life. Is it possible that when the words, “it is not good for the man to be alone,” were written, this Higher Power was letting us all know that It was lonely.

“I believe the universe wants to be noticed. I think the universe is improbably biased toward the consciousness, that it rewards intelligence in part because the universe enjoys its elegance being observed. And who am I, living in the middle of history, to tell the universe that it-or my observation of it-is temporary?”

~ John Green, the Fault in Our Stars

It is this intimate Higher Power that I seek, and that I trust to care about me and mine.

Elizabeth Barret Browning began writing poetry under the protective umbrella of her father’s massive slave-owning business in Jamaica. She sacrificed that protection for the intimate love of a fellow poet. He had fallen in love with her through her writing. The marriage of Elizabeth and Robert Browning brought an end to her affiliation with her Father’s individual-crushing dominance and a new poetry arose from the intimacy of the married couple as they moved from England to Italy.

For me, the ultimate god-gift is genuine, intimate care that hungers for my reciprocation. No more distance. I seek an exclusive relationship with a Higher Power that hungers for the same. The paradox is that when I have such a reality in my life, I want to share it with others. I suppose the Infinite One can have an exclusive relationship with everyone and there is no risk of losing my own private intimacy.

Be prospered.

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