Daily Reprieve

From Courage to Change of May 27:

There have been days when many of us felt that good times would never come again. After so many disappointments, it seemed too painful to continue to hope. We shut our hearts and minds to our dreams and stopped expecting to find happiness. We weren’t happy, but at least we wouldn’t be let down anymore.

Caring, hoping, wanting — these are risky. But as we recover from the effects of alcoholism, we may find that the risks are worth taking. In time, it may not be enough to simply avoid disappointment; we want more; we want rich, full, exciting lives with joy as well as sorrow. Just finding the willingness to believe that joy can exist in our lives today can be very challenging, but until we make room in our hearts for good times, we may not recognize them when they arrive.

Nobody is happy all the time, but all of us are capable of feeling good. We deserve to allow ourselves to experience every bit of joy life has to offer.

Today’s Reminder

I will not let fear of disappointment prevent me from enjoying this day. I have a great capacity for happiness.

“I want to grow in my willingness to make room in my life for good times, having faith in their arrival and patience in my anticipation.”

~ Living with Sobriety

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I have no investment in notions of feeling good. Feelings are what fall off of me while I am moving, pushing forward in life. They are the breeze that comes through the open window of my vehicle. For me, emotions are the most deceptive of guides. They only become relevant if I can dominate them and use them to support the vital plans of my daily living.

Now, intuitive connection across the Veil of life and death is magical. That sense of life beyond the frivolous mundanity is where I am invested. Emotions tend to make their home in my autonomic nervous system, like my beating heart and regular breathing. That is the animal of my life. That is the impulse of biology.

But there is a space between stimulus and response in the human psyche. It can and should be expanded. It is the place where freedom is forged. In that place, I can slow down enough to listen to Infinity and translate that to a properly employed will. It is why I was created with a frontal cortex and a somatic nervous system.

“Before we begin, we ask God to direct our thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives. Under these conditions we can employ our mental faculties with assurance. For after all, God gave us brains to use.”

~ Bill W. in Alcoholics Anonymous,

From Courage to Change of May 26:

“Anything worth doing,” goes a slightly cockeyed version of the old saying “is worth doing badly.” Perfectionism, procrastination, and paralysis are three of the worst effects of alcoholism upon my life.

I have a tendency to spend my life waiting for the past to change. I want to spend the first hundred years of my life getting all the kinks ironed out and the next hundred years actually living. Such an inclination to avoid taking risks, to avoid doing anything badly, has prevented me from doing some of the things I enjoy the most, and it has kept me from the regular practice that produces progress.

If I’m unwilling to perform a task badly, I can’t expect to make progress toward learning to do it well. The only task that I can pretend to perform perfectly is the one that I have left entirely undone.

Today’s Reminder

Al-Anon encourages me to take risks and to think of life not as a command performance but as a continuing series of experiments from which I learn more about living.

“All the beautiful sentiments in the world weigh less than a single lovely action.”

~ James Russell Lowell

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Living a life dancing around emotional tripwires has definitely led to the second-guessing of my intent of will. And yet, doesn’t the Twelve Step program show us the importance of evaluating our motives? How do I separate these two similar roads that lead to very different lives?

For me, I have to slow down and move away from living (or not living) life on impulse. It can be impulsive to withdraw or to immediately apologize for something my broken guilt-o-meter misidentifies as wrong. The plan is everything for me. There are specific times and places to look back over my day, a day that I took the courage to live. I find the correct ways to use my will as identified in the program, moving slow enough to make my mind more effective. Over time, I can make on the spot corrections based on habitual, planned, self-evaluations. But in the beginning, I need to be free to make on the spot errors to learn. I cannot grow into life with an atrophied soul.

From Courage to Change of May 25:

An Al-Anon meeting is where I am most likely to get an honest answer to the question, “How are you?” This is refreshing to me, because for a long time my only possible answer to this question was, “I’m fine, how are you?” — even when I wasn’t fine at all.

Denial is a symptom of the effects of alcoholism. Just as alcoholics often deny their drinking problems, many of us who have been affected by this disease deny our problems as well. Although we may have been living in chaos, worried about our families, full of self-doubt, and spiritually, emotionally, and physically depleted, many of us learned to pretend that everything was just fine.

Today it is important for me to be in an environment in which honesty is practiced. I don’t necessarily launch into a detailed description of my woes or my joys — but when asked how I’m doing, I try to ask myself what the real answer is. This frees me from the habit of denial and gives me choices.

Today’s Reminder

How do I feel today? How am I doing? If I can answer those questions truthfully, I am more likely to pursue the help I need and to share the happy times with others as well.

“We can say what we mean only if we have the courage to be honest with ourselves and with others.”

~ The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage

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Those of us who have experienced intimate betrayal, the witch hunt of religious organizations delving into private writings, and the prejudice of a judicial system aiding in the kidnapping of one’s children, know that a person’s honesty can be forged into a devastating weapon.

The anonymity of the Twelve Step program was essential in finding a safe place to evaluate my own motives and learn to trust again. The principle of being honest, truthful, and genuine is a hard-won prize in recovery and can only be fostered with others you know are truthfully invested in the well-being of its members. Not everyone can be trusted with our vulnerability. But I absolutely need to be honest with myself and with others who live in self-benefiting altruism. Those who claim to be offering aid self-sacrificially are a threat. If I am able to be honest with myself, I can choose to be honest with others. And I can choose who those others are.

From Courage to Change of May 24:

In the words of Oscar Wilde, “In this world there are only two tragedies. One is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it. The last is much the worst.”

Translation: My will gets me into trouble. I aim for some goal or other, but even when I get it, I am rarely satisfied. It doesn’t make my life complete, so I raise the ante, set a new goal, and push even harder. Or I don’t get what I want and feel inadequate or deprived. Maybe that is why not one of the Twelve Steps talks about carrying out my will.

The only times I have ever found lasting satisfaction were when I let go of self-will and committed myself to seeking the will of my Higher Power. Prayer and meditation are two means by which I seek to discover what God’s will holds for me, and they help me to gain access to the power to carry it out.

Sometimes my hopes and desires are forms of guidance. When I am willing to place God’s will above my own, those dreams have a chance of becoming a wonderful reality.

Today’s Reminder

The path to my true heart’s desire is to surrender to the will of my Higher Power.

“We know that God can and will do anything that is for our ultimate good, if we are ready to receive His help.” ~ The Twelve Steps and Traditions

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I want to be filthy rich. Obviously, my Higher Power’s will doesn’t seem to be invested in that goal. Is His will in conflict with mine? Why do I desire to be exceptionally wealthy? I would like to be free of financial anxiety. I would like to be able to help myself and others when it is needed. I would like to reward the significance of social investment. I would like to be powerful. It seems that what I truly desire is to be anchored in serenity, to be useful, to have respect. But why?

I see that if I was just handed the cash I would never ask the questions about my own motives. I would never delve into my psyche. I imagine that the further I dig, the more I discover my actual will is not at all in conflict with the Higher Power. It is that fearful, isolated, responsive will that is in conflict with my Higher Power and my Higher Self.

Thus, it might save me some time if I trust the will of my Higher Power and grow into the parallel fulfillment of both our wills. I suspect this to be true.

From Courage to Change of May 23:

Sometimes the healthiest thing I can do for myself is to admit that I’m not perfect. I am human. I make mistakes.

But it isn’t always easy to admit this to someone else, especially when my mistake affects them. Pretending that something never happened, or that it doesn’t matter, or justifying the action seems so much more inviting to me. But there is a price to pay if I refuse to own up when I’ve been wrong — guilt.

For years I dragged guilt behind me like a heavy duffel bag. Al-Anon offers me an alternative — the Tenth Step. I continue taking personal inventory and when I am wrong, I promptly admit it. When I admit the error, I take responsibility for my actions. I free myself from the burden of an embarrassing secret, and I move closer to accepting my imperfection. It becomes much easier to love myself if I accept myself as I truly am, mistakes and all.

Today’s Reminder

Today I will have the courage to look the truth in the face, admit my errors and my achievements, appreciate my growth, and make amends where I have done harm.

“I care about truth not for truth’s sake but for my own.”

~ Samuel Butler

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“…they cannot after a time differentiate the true from the false.”

~ Dr. Silkworth in ‘The Doctor’s Opinion’ of Alcoholics Anonymous

The first principle of the 12 Steps is honesty, truth, and a genuine self-awareness. The core of alcoholic insanity is persistent, recurrent delusions. It possesses an individual and echoes through the web of intimacy supporting that power of the chemical parasite. The confession in meetings that one is an alcoholic or addict is a hard-won, honest recognition of the problem. The individual could just as easily say, “I am an alcoholic, and I will not lie to myself any longer about that reality.” In Al-Anon one could say their name and confess that they have a self-destructive obsession with the alcoholic/addict in their lives. They probably don’t because part of their path of honesty is to also see the positive inventory of their lives separate from their loved ones.

The famous quote from Shakespeare says, “To thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not be false to any man,” seems to suggest that a good litmus test for one’s ability to be true to oneself is found in the demonstration of how true one is to other people.

From Courage to Change of May 22:

I used to think that if I ever looked carefully at myself, my secret fears would be confirmed: I’d see that I am hopelessly flawed and unworthy. Al-Anon has shown me that if I face the effects of alcoholism by working the Steps, this belief will fade away. I’ll see that the truth I’ve avoided is my own inner beauty.

I am powerless to change the fact that alcoholism has afffected my life. Only a Power greater than myself can overcome the effects of this disease. I call upon that Power for help with the Second and Third Steps. These Steps help me to trust that, although the ground on which I stand may quiver, I will not fall, for I am held firmly by One whose will is not so easily overturned. Regardless of how shaky I amy feel, I am safe.

Such a spiritual foundation makes a truly searching and fearless moral inventory possible. Only when I risk taking a close look at myself can my fears give way to the truth: As a child of God, I am all I need to be – loving, lovable, and splendid.

Today’s Reminder

Today I will take some time to strengthen my relationship with my Higher Power. This will bring me closer to seeing the truth as my ally and recognizing my own inner loveliness.

“I now choose to rise above my personality problems to recognize the magnificance of my being. I am totally willing to learn to love myself.”

~ Louis L. Hay

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Looking for inner beauty seems dangerously narcissistic to me. Love and light and flinging flowers in the air; who actually wants that as a way of life? In a world crumbling under the burden of sloppy agape, maybe we need to appreciate the beauty in the beast. I have seen my own shadow in Jungian terms; the thing I have kept locked away. The thing I have faced in this program attempting to find a path of intergration.

I value strength over beauty. Without strength, beauty is just a target. I am no longer a slave to the outward apprasial. I would rather be effective than good. I think the pragmatic morality of this program surpasses the white-toothed facade I grow up with.

Let’s be geniune and see where that takes us.

From Courage to Change of May 21:

When I take the Seventh Step (“Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings”), I calmly ask for help. I don’t beg or demand: I neither grovel nor puff myself up. I needn’t demean myself, and I have no one to impress. I am simply accepting my place in my relationship with my Higher Power, no more, no less. True humility to take my rightful place in the wonderful partnershp I am developing with the God of my understanding.

Humility is said to be perpetual quietness of heart. It means that I do my part and trust God to take care of the rest. Although I may not know how my help will come, I can remain serene. All I have to do is to ask my Higher Power for healing.

Today’s Reminder

Today, when I ask my Higher Power to remove my shortcomings, I will try to do so with a peaceful heart.

“Humility will help us see oursselves in true perspective and keep our minds open to the truth.”

~ Alcoholism, the Family Disease

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The Seventh Step is an advanced version of Step One. I admitted I had become powerless over the burden of self and my spirit had become enslaved. Recognizing that, just like with addiction, I could not break free of the burden of self on my own. I had developed a swollen, isolated ego as a coping mechanism against the pain and threat of social rejection. This ego appeared swollen in the same way my hand held in front of my face would appear to be everything I see. Comparing my view of it to the hands of others who surrounded me, my hand-covered face was blinded to potentially life empowering connections. When that hand was moved into the crowd of my fellow human beings, I could see a world around me that had been obscured. My ego connected with other egos appears smaller but is actually held at a distant from my spiritual vision in its proper place. Humility is gaining psychic distance from one’s own ego. It allows me to see the value of the other egos of my environment. The sober person of AA develops humility to increase respect for others and for the Higher Power, to live separated from the burden of an isolated self, and to explore spiritual freedom.

From Courage to Change of May 20:

Like alcoholism, obsessive thinking can be too much to handle. My best hope in battling it is not to begin, bacause once started, it gains steam and becomes harder to interrupt.

Before obsessive thinking takes hold, there is usually a point at which I have to make a choice. I can opt to mentally toy with a subject that has held my mind hostage in the past and is therefore dangerous. Or I can recongnize the danger and try to drop any thought of the topic from my mind, praying for my Higher Power’s help I can reach out to an Al-Anon member for support before tackling a topic to which I am vulnerable, so that my thoughts won’t have a chance to get locked inside my head.

I will exercise the power of choice by refusing the invitation of obsessive thoughts. If I don’t pick them up, I won’t have to let them go.

Today’s Reminder

I am learning to pay attention to my thinking. If there is someting I cannot contemplate without becoming obsessed, I will respect that fact and act accordingly. I will gather the strength and suppor of my Al-Anon program, my friends, and my Higher Power before I try to reason it out. And if it is none of my business, I won’t pick it up at all.

“If you work on your mind with your mind, How can you avoid an immense confusion?”

~ Seng-ts’an

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I was joking with others in my Al-Anon meeting that there should be a Ruminators Anonymous. I can remember reading a book called The Depression Cure. The premise was that our bodies have not evolved as fast as our culture and our optimum living environment was established in the hunter-gather period of our existence. It is as if we are living on another planet that requires a special suit and supplements for survival. We are aliens of our own making. I take vitamin D to replace the sunshine I miss as a result of the great indoors. I take fish oil supplements to replace the omega oils found in the wilderness that gave birth to my species but has been lost to us because of mass farming techniques. There are other things I do not remember, but I do recall his emphasis on devoloping a discipline against excessive rumination. He suggested that we allow ourselves no more than five minutes before breaking free and getting into some form of physical activity.

I also find that rumination corrupts my meditation, and thus interfers with my connection to my Higher Power. I developed some effective meditative habits from the teachings of Christopher Penczak in his book, The Inner Temple of Witchcraft. In my early days of alcoholic recovery, I looked to the Sleeping Prophet, Edgar Cayce. His method of intuitive connection fit in with one of my most personally powerful Psalms. My memory of Psalm 127:2 has said that it is vain for me to rise up early in fear, to take rest late overwhelmed with worry, for my Higher Power gives blessings even while we sleep. Falling into an inbetween place of waking and slumber is better for me than having my intuitive listening practice hijacked by rumination.

My AA Sponsor struggles as I do with the paralysis of rumination, the imprisonment of depression. He has suggested that I look into the People’s Chemist. It is a suggestion I intend to fully explore.

[ https://www.thepeopleschemist.com/ ]

I suppose the point of this reflection is that we can use the work of the collective mind to overpower the destructive habits of our individual minds. I cannot imagine what a mentally entangled life I would be leading in isolation. I am grateful.

From Courage to Change of May 19:

In the past, whenever anyone disagreed with me, I took it as a personal failure. If only I had found the right words, clothes, opinions, school, job, home, friends, or lover, I could have belonged.

And How did others appear to me? Happy and self-confident – they seemed to have all the answers. But because of the front I put on, people thought I was easygoing and happy, too. If they could be so mistaken about the way I really felt, couldn’t I have a few wrong ideas about their feelings? After all, I couldn’t be the only one who put on a good act. Wasn’t I comparing my insides to other people’s outsides?

In Al-Anon I am learning that someone can disagreee with me without either of us being wrong. When no one has to be wrong, we can all fit in, just as we are.

Today’s Reminder

If I compare, I lose. Maybe I’ll come out feeling better than somebody this time, but next time I’m bound to feel worse. The best way to stop feeling that I’m not good enough is to stop comparing altogether.

“Little by little, we come to realize at our meetings that much of our discomfort comes from our attitudes.”

~ Understanding Ourselves and Alcoholism

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Can I create a better image of myself. Or rather, can I create a better self. I know that when I would run in my past military training, I would spot distant but visible milestones to move toward. I knew that it wasn’t the end. But that milestone got me closer to my destination.

“Be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect” Matthew 5:48

“We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection” Alcoholics Anonymous

Is there a way to reconcil these two ideas? Is it possible to pursue progress toward perfection? Yet both of these statements seem to hold a mutually exculisive stanse against one another. It resists even a paradoxical explanation.

If I don’t look to other’s external display to compare my internal reality to, then shouldn’t I compare my internal reality in the present with my internal reality in an imagined future? No matter how I try to image myself as a perfected being, I strongly suspect that gaining a grasp on that reality is out of my reach in this limited mortal form.

Growing up in the Southeast US it was known by everyone that the only perfect person was Jesus Christ. He should be the only source of emulation. Yet would that mean that unless his followers sold their property, wandered about in heretical resistance and apocolyptic proclaimations, seeking a way of martyed existence, that they are refusing to seek the Father’s perfection as Christ did. The countering thought I have heard to such “extreme” ideas of perfection is that Christ had a different and very specific mission.

Am I stuck with the same dilema that comparing myself to anyone brings me? I am comparing my insides to Christ’s celebrity expression, his outside expression.

What if the Higher Power planted a Godshard in each and everyone of us? What if the Messiah’s perfection came from His ability to percieve His particular Godshard and live it out? What if My perfected Godshard requires Me to only compare me with me until I find Me? Maybe these are the milestones in the marathon of this earthly life. To seek perfection is to seek the Godshard. To seek progress is to look for a life that allows It to energize. Maybe progress and perfection are not mutually exclusive after all.

From Courage to Change of May 18:

Life dosen’t always go smoothly or peacefully, even though I might wish it would. In the past, when something bothered me, I’d say nothing rather than face an argument. It seemed better for me to be upset than to risk upsetting someone else. The results were ususally disastorous. I would become irritable and unreasonable as I let resentment fester.

Today I suspect that adversity has value I hadn’t previously recognized. When I face adversity and deal with my problems or express my feelings, thing have a chance to improve. Even if they don’t, I release some of the pressure I feel. I’m new at this, and I don’t do it very gracefully yet: sometimes it is scary, and sometimes my words are not exactly welcomed. Nevertheless, I feel better when I realize that I have finally begun living life on life’s terms.

Looking back, I see how much I’ve grown. I wouldn’t have chosen any of the crises in my life, but since coming to Al-Anon, I’ve learned that every problem can help me to change for the better, deepen my faith, and add to my self-esteem.

Today’s Reminder

The Chinese word for crisis is written with two characters. The first stands for danger, and the second for opportunity. I will look for the good hidden within everything I encounter.

“There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in its hands”

~ Richard Bach

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When I was a young teenager, a movie was released where a favorite author, Richard Bach, and beloved musician, Neil Diamond, came together; Jonathon Livingston Seagull. The spiritual promises of this story using flight as its metaphor enthralled me. How I hungered to experience it. How many different denominations of Christianity did I explore? There were so many storefront gatherings and new ideas being proffered in my youth that never lasted.

Until I was compelled to enter the Twelve Step program to save my own life. These rooms were filled with saving heresies. The chaos storm of my post-marital apocolypse opened the door to a pragmatic morality and the closest I have ever truly felt with myself and my God. That hell caused me to let go of religous preconceptions and quit being ashamed for my humanity. What is exciting to me is that progress rather than perfection renders promise of greater connection still.

I want to live in such a way that the Universe finds it unncessary to send chaos storms into my life to free me from my own protective mind prisons.

I want to fly. . .