Archive for Courage to Change

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Endigar 958

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , on May 25, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Jul 18:

We often come to Al-Anon with the philosophy that if something works, it will work even better and faster if we try harder. But Al-Anon involves a long-term process of growth and change. Our efforts to speed up this process are more likely to interfere with it, leaving us frustrated and depressed. In Al-Anon we learn that “Easy Does It.” The work often gets done when we stop pushing.

When I first came to Al-Anon I heard that, although we learn to entrust our lives and our future to a Power greater than ourselves, we must do our part as well. With my usual fervor I threw myself into doing “footwork.” I made at least ten Al-Anon calls every day and began a frantic effort to practice all Twelve Steps at once. No wonder i was soon overwhelmed – and exhausted.

Today I know that I can plant a seed in fertile soil, but I don’t help the plant to grow by tugging at the seed in hope that it will sprout. I have to let the process unfold at its own pace.

Today’s Reminder

I take my commitment to recovery seriously, but I can’t expect to recover overnight. When I approach my life with an “Easy Does It” attitude, I treat myself and the world around me gently and lovingly.

“‘When we try to absorb too much too quickly in Al-Anon, we may be discouraged . . .’ We would be wise to take it slowly, concentrating on one idea at a time.” ~ One Day at a Time in Al-Anon

END OF QUOTE—————————————

I have lived life driven by that old pulse in me—the one that says “Do more. Hurry up. Fix everything now.” It’s a voice I know well, and one I once mistook for strength. But in recovery, I’ve begun to hear it differently. That urgent push to over-function, to over-perform, to overcorrect—it’s not wisdom. It’s fear wearing the mask of responsibility.

Al-Anon has been teaching me something different. Something softer. Something wiser. That “Easy Does It” isn’t an excuse to check out; it’s an invitation to trust the process. I used to think I had to do all the growing, all at once. Now I know—growth is already built into the soil. My job is to show up, to tend, to water, to keep the weeds of shame and self-punishment from choking out the sprout. But not to tug. Never to tug.

When I came in, I thought the Steps were a ladder I had to sprint up. But recovery isn’t a race, and the Steps aren’t a checklist. They’re more like breath. Each one takes time. Each one returns me to the moment I’m in.

I don’t need to panic my way toward healing. I can listen to the quiet guidance within. I can pick up one idea and let it shape me. I can walk slowly. Gently. Let God do the growing. Let grace do its quiet work.

And maybe, just maybe, that’s where the real miracle happens.

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Endigar 957

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , on May 24, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Jul 17:

Two of those closest to me were newly-recovering alcoholics. During the drinking years, I had become so enmeshed with them and their self-destructive behavior that I lost sight of the idea that I could be happy even if they were depressed; I could live a serene life even if they went back to drinking. The turning point in my Al-Anon recovery came when someone said to me, “You’ll have to learn to make it whether the alcoholics do nor not.”

From that day on I tried to keep in mind that I had my own life and my own destiny. Once I began to separate my welfare from that of the alcoholics, I found it easier to detach from the decisions they made about how and where, and when and with whom to conduct their lives. Because my fate – my very life – was no longer tied directly to theirs, I was able to accept them for who they were and to listen to their ideas and concerns without trying to exercise control. Thanks to Al-Anon, I can concentrate my energy where I do have some control – over my own life.

Today’s Reminder

My time is too precious to waste living in the future or worrying about something over which I have no power. I am building a wonderful life for myself today.

As I continue to practice putting the focus on myself, it is a relief to see I can let go of others’ problems instead of trying to solve them.

END OF QUOTE—————————————

I know what it means to be entangled—not just involved, but enmeshed—in the chaos of someone else’s self-destruction. It starts with love, with care, with a desperate hope that if I can just hold on tighter, steer harder, I can keep the whole ship from sinking. But the truth I’ve learned in recovery is that clinging to a sinking ship doesn’t save either of us—it just pulls me under too.

“You’ll have to learn to make it whether the alcoholics do or not”—hits like a clean breath of air after being submerged for too long. That’s the invitation and the boundary all in one. My recovery is not conditional. My peace doesn’t hinge on anyone else’s progress. And that’s a terrifying, liberating thing to grasp. It means I get to stop playing God. I get to step out of the illusion of control and into the truth of my own path.

I’ve found that detachment isn’t abandonment. It’s an act of fierce love—both for them and for me. It means I can still care, deeply, but I no longer have to carry. I can still listen, still witness, still hold space—but I don’t have to fix. That’s a radical shift. One that frees up all this precious energy I used to pour into managing others, and lets me redirect it toward rebuilding my own life.

And the miracle is this: in letting go of their outcomes, I’ve finally begun to uncover my own. I’m not just surviving someone else’s story anymore—I’m writing my own. And every day I practice this, I see a little more clearly: serenity is not something I have to wait for. It’s something I choose, moment by moment, as I let go, turn inward, and do the next right thing.

This is what recovery gives me: the permission and the power to live my own beautiful, imperfect, sacred life.

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Endigar 956

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , on May 23, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Jul 16:

One of the wonderful, but unexpected, benefits of working the Al-Anon program is learning how to relax. Until now, most of my life sped by in a frenzy of activity. School, work, projects, obligations, all helped me focus outward. That way I didn’t have to rest long enough to feel how frightful my home life was.

There is nothing wrong with working hard and producing results, but I was abusing these activities. They were socially acceptable ways to deny my feelings. Both family and society supported my hiding behind the until, beaten down and exhausted, I reached the doors of Al-Anon. By that time I couldn’t have relaxed if I had wanted to – I didn’t know how it was done.

In Al-Anon it was suggested that I would not treat anyone as harshly as I treated myself. I would never ask someone I loved to go without rest, never letting up, and never having any fun. But that was exactly what I asked of myself. My Sponsor helped me to learn what gave me pleasure and how to take it easy. Now, relaxation is part of my daily routine.

Today’s Reminder

Hard work can be terrific, and my activities can be highly rewarding. But I am striving for some balance. Today I will look at how I spend my time, and set some of that time aside to relax.

“The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time.” ~ Bertrand Russell

END OF QUOTE—————————————

I feel the truth of the workaholic in Al-Anon radiating in a parallel corridor of my own experience. Though I didn’t charge through life with frantic busyness, I know what it means to run—from pain, from fear, from the echo of a home that never felt safe. For me, the flight path wasn’t external; it was inward. My escape wasn’t tasks or schedules—it was daydreams, isolation, inner worlds spun so intricately that they became sanctuaries… and cages.

They say in Al-Anon that the tools of survival often become the tools of self-harm. I can see that now. Just as the non-stop laborer used overwork to numb their feelings, I used imagination and withdrawal. What felt like relief in the moment became another form of bondage. There was no room to feel—only to avoid.

I also didn’t know how to relax. Not really. Because true relaxation means safety, and safety wasn’t something I ever learned to trust. In a way, “taking it easy” felt like giving up control—and control was the only rope I thought I had.

Al-Anon didn’t just hand me a new way to live—it gently questioned the old way, the only way I thought was available. Slowly, with the help of a Sponsor and the shared courage of others, I began to see that rest was not laziness, that pleasure was not selfish, and that tenderness, even toward myself, was not weakness.

Today, my version of relaxation may look a little different. Maybe it’s a quiet cup of tea, a favorite book, a walk where I let myself feel the wind. Maybe it’s just breathing without needing to be somewhere else—mentally, emotionally, spiritually. Maybe it’s allowing the moment to hold me instead of always needing to hold it together.

Recovery gave me this: permission to be a human being instead of a human doing—or in my case, a human hiding. That’s a gift I never saw coming.

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Endigar 954

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , on May 22, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Jul 15:

Each of us puts the Al-Anon program into practice in our lives as best we can, moving at the pace that is right for us. That is why I avoid speaking harshly, using phrases such as “get off the pity-pot” or “quit feeling sorry for yourself.” Perhaps someone needs more time to work through a painful situation than I do. Their story may sound repetitious to me, but who am I to judge?

When I’m struggling with my difficulties, I am so grateful that no one in Al-Anon stands over me with a stopwatch, telling me that I am taking too long when I learn my lessons slowly. A nonjudgmental, listening ear can be a great blessing, and I’m leaning to offer it more freely.

Today’s Reminder

Today I will try to extend to my fellow members the respect, patience, and courtesy that I want for myself.

“Great Spirit, help me never to judge another until I have walked in his moccasins.” ~ Sioux Indian prayer

END OF QUOTE—————————————

There’s a subtle kind of arrogance that creeps in when I forget how long my own healing has taken—and how nonlinear it still is. I can look back and see the looping spirals, the relapses not just in behavior but in thought patterns, the days when I’ve needed to tell the same story again just to hear myself say it. And in those moments, what helped wasn’t advice. It wasn’t someone telling me to snap out of it or get perspective. It was someone simply being there. Listening. Letting me be messy, repetitive, scared.

Compassion isn’t measured by how quickly I help someone “get better.” It’s measured by how willing I am to walk beside them without needing to fix, rush, or judge. Everyone’s pain has its own timeline. If I rush someone else, I’m usually avoiding something in myself.

I also hear the call in this text to give myself that same patience. No one is standing over me with a stopwatch, though sometimes my inner critic plays that role. I don’t heal on command. I don’t always learn the first—or fifth—time. But when I’m met with grace, something shifts. It opens space for real growth.

I want to practice being the kind of person I would’ve needed on my darkest day: quiet, steady, and accepting. Letting people take the time they need. Letting myself do the same.

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Endigar 953

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on May 21, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Jul 14:

I didn’t know how great a burden my guilt was until I made amends and gained release from it. I never wanted to face the harm I’d done in the past. Consequently without knowing it, I carried guilt with me most of the time. Making amends has helped me to put the past behind me and move on with a clear conscience. My self-esteem has grown ever since, and I feel much better about myself.

But I had a problem. The person I felt I owed the most amends to is no longer living. Deep in my heart I knew she had understood and forgiven me, but I could not forgive myself for the harm I had done. How could I make amends?

After much prayer and thought, I realized that I couldn’t change the past. All I could do was to change my present behavior. Now, when I feel tempted to shirk a responsibility, I can remember my friend and consider my choice. Each time I talk to a newcomer, chair a meeting, or share my story, I am making amends to my friend.

Today’s Reminder

I can’t make past wrongs disappear, but I can take actions that will help me to let them go. When I make amends, I do what I can to correct the situation. Then I can put the past in tis rightful place and leave it there.

“Let me remember that the reason for making amends is to free my own mind of uneasiness.” ~ The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage.

END OF QUOTE—————————————

My guilt meter’s broken. That’s the truth. Somewhere along the way, it got rewired by survival, by dysfunction, by patterns I didn’t ask for but learned to live with. Now it spikes when I try to set a healthy boundary, and stays silent when I hurt someone I care about. It’s not that I don’t want to do right—it’s that I don’t always know what right looks like.

I’ve been conditioned to feel guilty for things that shouldn’t even raise a flag—saying no, needing space, refusing to fold into the expectations of enmeshment just to keep the peace. Somewhere along the way, peace became about appeasement. That kind of peace is a prison.

At the same time, I can miss the moments when I genuinely fail someone—when I step on hearts, neglect responsibilities, disappear emotionally—and I feel… nothing. That’s the part that scares me. Not because I don’t care, but because I’ve lost the signal. I need help, outside myself, to even know when an amends is owed.

That’s why I have to learn—not just what I feel, but what’s actually real. I have to develop an inner compass that doesn’t just react, but discerns. That means listening when someone says, “You crossed a line.” That means learning how to respect the sacred in others—their boundaries, their needs—even when it doesn’t come naturally.

Sometimes an amends isn’t just personal—it’s societal. My awareness can ripple outward. If I’ve been careless with one, chances are I’ve been unconscious with many. And if I want to make a living amends, I need to walk differently through the world. More awake. More accountable. More human.

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Endigar 952

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , on May 20, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Jul 13:

How many days of my life have I wasted? I missed the joys of my children’s early years because I was preoccupied with the alcoholic. I rejected overtures of friendship from co-workers so that I could fret uninterrupted about what was bothering me. Not once during those days did I think about my right to enjoy the day.

Al-Anon has led me to see that i have choices, especially about my attitudes. I don’t have to see my life as a tragedy or torment myself with past mistakes or future worries. Today can be the focus of my life. It is filled with interesting activities if I allow myself to see it with a spirit of wonder. When my worries and sorrows cloak me, the laughter and sunshine of the everyday world seem inappropriate to the way I feel. Who is out of sync-the rest of the world or me?

Today’s Reminder

Today I will live in the present and find what I can to enjoy there. If there is pain, I will accept that too. But my pain does not have to completely overshadow the enjoyable parts of my reality. I will participate in making more of my joy: I may join in a conversation at work or at a meeting, tell a joke at the dinner table, or laugh with a friend. Just for today, I might even allow myself to sing.

“Look to this Day! For it is Life, the very Life of Life.” ~ From the Sanskrit Salutation of the Dawn

END OF QUOTE—————————————

I do think there is another way to living life that isn’t lost in the paralysis of analysis. I’m beginning to understand that I have choices—even in the smallest moments. I get to decide how I see my life. I can stay buried under regret and anxiety, or I can gently shift my gaze to now—to this breath, this cup of coffee, this bit of birdsong outside the window.

The truth is, when I’m cloaked in old pain or present fear, joy feels like an intruder. I want to swat it away because it doesn’t match the story I’m living. But maybe the story is overdue for a rewrite. Maybe it’s okay to let in a little sunshine, even if there are still clouds. Maybe I’m allowed to laugh without guilt, to sing off-key in the car, to tell a silly story and be heard. Just for today.

It’s not denial—it’s a deeper kind of honesty. One that acknowledges pain, but also makes room for joy. That says: I don’t need to earn happiness. I only need to receive it.

I’ll try. I’ll take part in my life. I’ll show up in small ways. A smile. A kind word. A practical joke in the bathroom. I might even rehearse Joni Mitchell’s song, Both Sides Now.

Maybe I’m finally learning to tune in to the world of the giggling grope.

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Endigar 951

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , on May 19, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Jul 12:

Tradition Five talks about “encouraging and understanding our alcoholic relatives.” This puzzled me at first. After all, doesn’t Al-Anon teach us to focus on ourselves? It seemed to be a contradiction.

Maybe the reason for my confusion is that I tended to think in extremes. Either I focused on myself and separated myself completely from the lives of others, or I wrapped myself around those others until I lost myself. Al-Anon helps me to come back to center.

O can focus on myself and still be a loving, caring person. I can have compassion for loved ones who suffer from the disease of alcoholism, or its effects, without losing my sense of self. Encouraging and being kind to others is one way of being good to myself, and I don’t have to sacrifice myself in the process.

Today’s Reminder

I am learning how to have saner and more loving relationships. Today I will offer support for those I love and still take care of myself.

“If you would be loved, love and be lovable.” ~ Benjamin Franklin

END OF QUOTE—————————————

Al-Anon Tradition Five: Each Al‑Anon Family Group has but one purpose: to help families of alcoholics. We do this by practicing the Twelve Steps of AA ourselves, by encouraging and understanding our alcoholic relatives, and by welcoming and giving comfort to families of alcoholics.

I’d come to Al-Anon to break the habit of orbiting around someone else’s chaos. How do I prevent the betrayal of the boundaries I was just starting to build if any part of the program points me back toward my qualifying alcoholic or addict?

But the deeper I walked this path, the more I found it to be true that much of my thinking was shaped by all-or-nothing patterns. For years, I believed I had only two choices: either detach completely and build a fortress, or sacrifice my own peace to keep someone else from crumbling. There was no middle ground.

Al-Anon has taught me that there is a middle ground. And it’s sacred.

Encouraging and understanding someone doesn’t mean enabling or losing myself. It means seeing them with clearer eyes—through the lens of compassion rather than control. It means recognizing the disease and its impact, but no longer letting it dictate how I live my life.

Today, I can show up with kindness without collapsing into old roles. I can say, I see your pain, without trying to fix it. I can support you, and still tend to my own soul.

This isn’t a contradiction. It’s a balancing act—a living dance between self-care and love, between detachment and connection. And every time I choose to stand in that space, I take another step toward the person I’m becoming: saner, softer, stronger.

I desire to walk in both truth and tenderness. I will care for others without abandoning myself.

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Endigar 950

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on May 19, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Jul 11:

It seems to me that many of us deal with our anger in inappropriate ways. Denying it, we stuff it, or we go off in fury, directing the feelings outward. I, for one, opt for avoidance of any conflict, and then I turn into a doormat.

The Al-Anon program encourages me to acknowledge my feelings and to be responsible for how I express them. The problem is not that I get angry, but that I do not know how to direct my anger appropriately.

Lately, when I feel like hitting somebody, I take my pillow and beat the daylights out of my bed. When I want to wipe someone out, I attack my dirty oven. I try to release my anger as soon as I can so that I won’t build resentments that will be harder to get rid of later.

I’m learning to communicate my anger too. I may not do it gracefully, and my words may not be well received. It means facing the awful discomfort called conflict, but I can’t run away any more.

Today’s Reminder

Feeling our feelings is one important part of the recovery process. Learning how to balance feelings with appropriate action is another.

“When angry, count ten before you speak; if very angry, an hundred.” ~ Thomas Jefferson

END OF QUOTE—————————————

I relate deeply to the image of becoming a doormat. When I avoid conflict to keep the peace, I’m not really at peace—I’m just disappearing. And each time I do that, I lose a little more of my own voice. The truth is, I wasn’t avoiding conflict—I was avoiding being real. And if I am not careful, the recovery goal of finding serenity in order to grow spiritually might become another voice directing me to forget my humanity, to become comfortably numb like an addict to religious pretention.

What I appreciate about the Al-Anon perspective here is its gentleness. It gives me permission to feel the anger without making it wrong. Anger, when acknowledged and respected, can be a compass. It tells me something’s not okay. It tells me I need to set a boundary, speak a truth, or take action.

I’m also learning that expressing anger doesn’t have to mean exploding. Sometimes it just means saying, “That hurt,” or “I’m not okay with this,” even if my voice shakes or I say it clumsily. Recovery isn’t about being perfect—it’s about showing up, feeling my feelings, and staying in relationship with myself and others, even when it’s uncomfortable.

I’m still growing in this. But I believe it is an act of genuine living to feeling the feelings and learning how to act on them in a way that honors my healing—that’s where the freedom lives.

NOTE: I recommend watching both Inside Out movies on processing emotions. They are so good at providing a simple parable for a complex process.

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Endigar 949

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on May 18, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Jul 10:

As a result of our exposure to alcoholism, many of us lose perspective on who we are and what we can and cannot do. We accept ideas about our own limitations that have no basis in reality. Al-Anon helps us to sort out the truth from the falsehoods by encouraging us to take a fresh, objective look at ourselves.

I had always been told that I had a weak constitution and had to avoid excitement and overexertion. Believing this, I avoided exercise, sports, certain jobs, and even dancing, sur that my poor weak body couldn’t handle the strain. My most frequent response to any invitation was, “I can’t.”

In Al-Anon I realized that I had a distorted self-image. I had never thought to question my beliefs, but when I took a good look, I discovered that they were untrue. I am as fit as anyone I know. I began to wonder how many other false assumptions were limiting me. A whole new way of life opened up because I had the support and encouragement to take a fresh look at myself.

Today’s Reminder

I won’t let old, limiting ideas and doubts go unchallenged. I may discover strengths and talents that never had the chance to come to light. Today, be letting go of obsolete ideas, I have an opportunity to learn something wonderful about myself.

“Argue for you limitations, and sure enough, they’re yours.” ~ Richard Bach

END OF QUOTE—————————————

Recovery didn’t rip the veil off of my hidden fears all at once. It gently invited me to look again. Al-Anon gave me the eyes to see—maybe for the first time—that so much of what I believed about myself wasn’t me. It was a story I inherited. A limiting belief dressed up as truth.

When I challenged that belief—when I asked, Is this really true?—I found a stronger version of myself waiting underneath. I’m not broken. I’m not fragile. I am able. And now that I know that, I can’t un-know it.

This process isn’t just about proving I can run or dance or show up. It’s about reclaiming what’s been mine all along: my right to experience life fully. The cost of false beliefs is high—it’s a life unlived. And I’ve paid enough.

So today, I challenge whatever tells me “I am done.” I notice the voice, and then I test it. If it’s not rooted in truth, I let it go. Because what I’m discovering—what I’m recovering—isn’t just capability. It’s wonder. It’s strength I never used. Joy I never dared. And parts of me I never knew existed.

I’m open. I’m willing. I’m more than I ever imagined.

And that’s enough to keep going.

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Endigar 948 ~ Facing the Whole Picture

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , on May 17, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Jul 09:

Life is a package deal. It is not enough to look only at the parts we like. It is necessary to face the whole picture so that we can make realistic choices for ourselves and stop setting ourselves up for disappointment.

Living with alcoholics, many of us coped with an ever-shifting situation in which our sense of reality changed from one minute to the next. We adapted by taking whatever part of reality suited us and ignoring the rest. Again and again we were devastated because reality didn’t go away just because it was ignored.

Our lives will remain unmanageable as long as we pretend that only half of the truth is real. That’s why sharing is such an important Al-Anon tool. When we share with other members about what is really going on, we cut through our denial and anchor ourselves in reality. While it may be difficult to face certain facts, when we allow ourselves to confront them, we cease to give our own denial the power to devastate us at every turn.

Today’s Reminder

I can’t cope with something unless I acknowledge its reality. When I am willing to look at the whole picture, I take the first step toward a more manageable life.

“If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put foundations under them.” ~ Henry David Thoreau

END OF QUOTE—————————————

There was a time when I truly believed that if I just focused hard enough on the good parts—on what was beautiful, hopeful, or momentarily peaceful—I could survive the storm. I thought I was being strong by refusing to look at the wreckage, by trying to “stay positive” no matter what. But in truth, I was only seeing half the picture. And half-truths are the breeding ground of disappointment.

Growing up in the confusion of a dysfunctional home, I learned that safety often meant selective seeing. I learned to scan the room for danger and to rewrite what I saw if it didn’t fit what I could emotionally handle. Reality became fluid, like a dream I could half-control—but always woke from in pain.

That’s what the old patterns taught me: that denial was a form of protection. But recovery has shown me something deeper. Denial, while it may have served a purpose once, eventually becomes the architect of chaos. It creates a life built on shaky ground—where the truth shows up like an earthquake and knocks everything down.

When I choose to share honestly with others in recovery, something sacred happens. I align myself with the whole truth—not just the glittering parts, but the aching, unfinished, frightening pieces too. In that sharing, I reclaim my footing. I ground myself in what is, not just what I wish could be. I don’t have to carry the burden alone. I don’t have to fear reality. I can let it teach me.

Today, I choose to see it all. The beauty and the heartbreak, the joy and the shadow dragons. I let the whole picture guide my next right step. Because only in truth can my life become manageable. Only in truth can I become free.

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