Archive for anger

Endigar 1062

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on October 15, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Oct 13:

Al-Anon meetings opened my eyes to something I had never thought about before: Shouting and slamming doors were not the best way to handle an already difficult situation. While there may be no harm in occasionally letting off steam with a raised voice, shouting can become a destructive habit. I’d never thought to ask myself if this was how I wanted to behave. Did this behavior get me what I wanted or encourage me to feel good about myself?

When I took a good look, I realized that the answer to this question was, “No.” Loud, angry words and actions demonstrated my frustration and pushed away all hope for peaceful solutions to my problems.

The slogan that helps me back to a rational state of mind is “Easy Does It.” When I use this slogan to quiet myself on the inside, it is easier to quiet the outside as well.

Today’s Reminder

I am seeking a saner approach to everything I encounter. The slogans can be valuable sources of sanity in chaotic situations. Today, if I am tempted to act out of anger or frustration, I will remember that “Easy Does It.”

“I will try to apply “Easy Does It” to every incident that might increase the tension and cause an explosion.” ~ One Day at a Time in Al-Anon

END OF QUOTE—————————————

When the architecture of rage collapses, it doesn’t signal defeat — it signals graduation. The wreckage of slammed doors and scorched words becomes the evidence of an old religion dying, the end of worship at the altar of noise. What rises from that ruin is not meekness but command. The silence that follows is not absence — it’s the throne room of the sovereign self.

“Easy Does It” becomes a martial art of mercy. The movement is subtle: a lowering of breath, a loosening of the jaw, a refusal to let adrenaline define authority. The ethos is clear — anger is not the enemy, but the raw ore. We are blacksmiths of selfhood; the work is to temper, not to discard.

When anger no longer has to scream to be heard, it starts to speak. The frightened messenger is still there, pacing the inner corridors — but now it’s offered a chair, a cup of water, a place to explain itself. The Higher Power listens, not because He is soft, but because He is unafraid of what He might hear. God is not trying to silence me; He is clarifying me.

Coherence is the evolution of fury. Clarity is what happens when the flame meets oxygen instead of gasoline. Compassion, in this ethos, is not sentimental; it’s tactical. It says: “I see the battlefield, and I choose my weapon — intelligent precision.”

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Endigar 1045

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on September 26, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Sep 26:

When I first came to Al-Anon, I thought that anger, resentment, jealousy, and fear were “bad” feelings. The program has helped me to learn that feelings are neither good nor bad — they are simply a part of who I am.

I have come to realize that good has sometimes come as a result of those feelings. Anger has prompted some constructive changes in my life. Resentment has made me so uncomfortable that I’ve had to learn to combat it — as a result, I have learned to pray for other people. Jealousy has taught me to keep my mouth shut when I know I will say only irrational, destructive things. And fear has been perhaps my greatest gift, because it forces me to make conscious contact with my Higher Power.

Now that the negative has become the positive, I am better able to accept the whole picture. There is no more need to judge or hate myself just because I experience a human feeling.

Today’s Reminder

Feelings may not be comfortable, but that doesn’t make them bad. With a change of attitude, I have choices about what to do with my feelings. Anything can be used for my good if I allow it. Recognizing this opportunity may take every ounce of imagination I have, but maybe that’s why God gave me imagination to begin with.

“My feelings are neither right nor wrong but are important by virtue of being mine.” ~ In All Our Affairs

END OF QUOTE—————————————

Emotions are not intruders to be evicted, but landmarks on the inner map of recovery. They belong to me, and I will not surrender them to the enforced stupidity of a culture that insists I amputate half my soul to stay palatable. Anger, jealousy, and fear are not above me, and I am not above them. They march beside me, and when I dare to tell the truth about their presence, I invite God to forge them into constructs for the writing of My Story.

What if every unwelcome emotion was a disguised angel? Or a disguised threat map revealing enforced silence? What if these unwelcome visitors are the hammer that cracks open complacency? Processed resentment reveals the threat of endless begging, and thus becomes the goad that drives me into prayer and surrender to a Higher Power that does not colonize Me. What if the appearance of jealousy is the illumination of the threat of romantic override? What if fear evades the threat of contamination, and also the one force that hurls me into conscious contact with a Higher Power? The thorns of My inner garden are not weeds—they are barbed wire that guards the perimeter of My God given sovereignty.

The paradox is clear: My feelings may not be right or wrong, but they are still significant because they are mine. They are entrusted to me as sacred signals. In claiming them, I break the tyranny of self-judgment. I do not have to punish myself for being human. I choose instead to stand in Intelligent Self-Patriotism: to pause, reflect, and act without apology. Recovery does not demand erasure of anger or fear; it demands that I braid them into My fabric with the personal mythology of my faith.

When I embrace my emotions without condemnation, I become a man who does not outsource his soul. I extend grace to others not as a surrender but as a chosen act of containment. I admit jealousy, rage, fear—not as confession of weakness but as courage to be seen. Recovery gave me imagination; My Story activates it. Imagination paints possibility onto the canvas of fear, but My personal ethos presses that canvas into a banner: My life is about writing My story. Let the Patriots bleed. Let every feeling become a landmark, a teacher, a threat revealed, a scar turned into scripture.

Emotions are horrible masters, but excellent servants to those that own the story of their lives.

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Endigar 1007

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on July 16, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Aug 24:

I’m usually such a gentle, easy-going person that you’d never believe what happens when I get angry. I fly into a rage, my blood pressure seems to double, and I unleash a torrent of profanity. After years in Al-Anon, my anger is still a problem, but my behavior has greatly improved.

Some time ago my dog got its feet tangled in an extension cord and broke a beautiful vase. My temper flared, and angry words cut like sharp swords. What helped me to change this behavior was the look of hurt and bewilderment on my pet’s face at the sudden, violent change in me. If a little animal could respond this way, what were my outbursts doing to the people in my life who understood every nasty word?

Today’s Reminder

I am human and I get angry, but I don’t have to act out my anger in destructive ways. I do not have the right to take it out on others. Whether my usual response is to scream, sulk in cold silence, or lash out with cruel words, today I can look at what I do when I get mad. Maybe next time I will try something new.

“We can pave the way for calm, reasonable communication only if we first find healthy outlets for our own negative feelings.” ~ The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage

END OF QUOTE—————————————

There was a time when I truly believed I had a gift—a superpower, even. I could walk through the minefield of family dysfunction with a kind of eerie calm. When the shouting began, when the air grew sharp with rage or shame, I didn’t cry, didn’t scream, didn’t break.

I neutralized.

It felt like survival magic. I shut down emotion like flipping a breaker switch. And later, in the echo chamber of adulthood, I carried that same skill like a weapon hidden in my coat. Smiling when I was shattered. Nodding through the heat. Telling myself I was strong because I didn’t flinch.

But silence is not strength. It is delay.

The emotion never disappeared. It gathered. Like steam in a sealed kettle. And when it finally released—when someone pushed a little too hard or life asked too much—I erupted. And it was messy. It was disproportionate. It was terrifying. Not just for them—for me.

I thought I was protecting others from my chaos.
But really, I was disowning the most vital parts of myself.

What I’ve come to understand in recovery is this:
Emotions don’t vanish when ignored. They metastasize.

I was trying to outsmart pain instead of processing it.
Trying to stay safe instead of growing up.

And the real heartbreak? The villain I designed this defense to battle—whether it was a parent, a partner, a past trauma—they were no longer present. But the pattern remained. The withdrawal. The inner coldness. The explosive relapses of rage. I had become the very energy I once vowed to purge.

That’s the moment I knew I wasn’t protecting myself anymore—I was imprisoning myself.

Today, I choose another way.

I let my emotions speak—without dictating my behavior.
I let my anger rise—without turning it into destruction.
I acknowledge my sadness—without needing to drown in it.
I name what I feel so that I don’t have to punish others for not guessing.

This is the work of recovery. Not to silence emotion, but to integrate it.
To feel without fear. To express without harm.
To let anger serve connection, not sever it.

Step Ten helps me watch my patterns in real time. Not to shame myself, but to redirect the current before it floods the house. I am not here to pretend I am above anger. I am here to learn how to be honest within it—and to make it safe for others to be honest with me.

So maybe next time, I’ll try something new.
Maybe I’ll speak. Breathe. Take a walk. Write a prayer. Cry.

Not because I’ve lost my superpower.
But because I’ve finally chosen something better:

A soul unarmored. A voice returned. A connection restored.

“Gooooosfraaaabaa…” ~ Dr. Buddy Rydell in Anger Management (2003)

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Endigar 950

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on May 19, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Jul 11:

It seems to me that many of us deal with our anger in inappropriate ways. Denying it, we stuff it, or we go off in fury, directing the feelings outward. I, for one, opt for avoidance of any conflict, and then I turn into a doormat.

The Al-Anon program encourages me to acknowledge my feelings and to be responsible for how I express them. The problem is not that I get angry, but that I do not know how to direct my anger appropriately.

Lately, when I feel like hitting somebody, I take my pillow and beat the daylights out of my bed. When I want to wipe someone out, I attack my dirty oven. I try to release my anger as soon as I can so that I won’t build resentments that will be harder to get rid of later.

I’m learning to communicate my anger too. I may not do it gracefully, and my words may not be well received. It means facing the awful discomfort called conflict, but I can’t run away any more.

Today’s Reminder

Feeling our feelings is one important part of the recovery process. Learning how to balance feelings with appropriate action is another.

“When angry, count ten before you speak; if very angry, an hundred.” ~ Thomas Jefferson

END OF QUOTE—————————————

I relate deeply to the image of becoming a doormat. When I avoid conflict to keep the peace, I’m not really at peace—I’m just disappearing. And each time I do that, I lose a little more of my own voice. The truth is, I wasn’t avoiding conflict—I was avoiding being real. And if I am not careful, the recovery goal of finding serenity in order to grow spiritually might become another voice directing me to forget my humanity, to become comfortably numb like an addict to religious pretention.

What I appreciate about the Al-Anon perspective here is its gentleness. It gives me permission to feel the anger without making it wrong. Anger, when acknowledged and respected, can be a compass. It tells me something’s not okay. It tells me I need to set a boundary, speak a truth, or take action.

I’m also learning that expressing anger doesn’t have to mean exploding. Sometimes it just means saying, “That hurt,” or “I’m not okay with this,” even if my voice shakes or I say it clumsily. Recovery isn’t about being perfect—it’s about showing up, feeling my feelings, and staying in relationship with myself and others, even when it’s uncomfortable.

I’m still growing in this. But I believe it is an act of genuine living to feeling the feelings and learning how to act on them in a way that honors my healing—that’s where the freedom lives.

NOTE: I recommend watching both Inside Out movies on processing emotions. They are so good at providing a simple parable for a complex process.

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