When the alcoholic I loved got sober I was sure that the nightmare was over! But without the tranquilizing effect of alcohol, she became verbally abusive. She accused, attacked, insulted, and I always defended myself. It seemed crucial that she understand. But that didn’t happen, no matter how much I argued, pleaded, or insulted in return. I felt trapped and hopeless.
Sobriety brings change, but it doesn’t take away all the problems. Al-Anon helps me learn that I don’t have to accept the unacceptable, nor do I have to argue back or convince another person that I’m innocent or right. I can begin to recognize when I am dealing with alcoholism’s insanity, and I can detach. I certainly don’t have to respond by doubting myself.
Today’s Reminder
When cruel words fly from the mouth of another person, drunk or sober, Al-Anon helps me remember that I have choices. Perhaps I can say the Serenity Prayer to myself, or refuse to discuss the topic any further. I can listen without taking the words personally; I can leave the room, change the subject, make an Al-Anon call, or explore other alternatives. My Sponsor can help me to discover options that seem right for me.
“We may never have the choices we would have if we were writing the script, but we always have choices.” ~ In All Our Affairs
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When the alcoholic stops drinking, the silence afterward can feel like peace—but it isn’t always peace. It’s the sound of reality returning, unfiltered. For many in recovery, that first period of sobriety is a psychic rawness: every resentment, fear, and unhealed wound begins to speak. And for those who love them, it can feel like betrayal—“Wasn’t I promised relief?”
That disappointment reminds us that the nightmare does not end with the last drink. Sobriety unmasks what alcohol had been tranquilizing: rage, shame, confusion, grief. To love someone through that stage is to realize that serenity cannot be borrowed; it must be grown.
“I always defended myself.”
That line is the hinge of awakening. Reaction feels natural when attacked, but it’s also the trap—the endless replay of trying to be understood by the un-understandable. Al-Anon’s power lies in this subtle liberation: the discovery that understanding is not required for peace. One can stop arguing not out of defeat, but out of wisdom. One can detach, not to punish, but to preserve sanity.
Detachment is not coldness—it’s clarity. It’s saying: This storm does not have my name on it.
Ultimately theory must shift to muscle memory. Serenity becomes something rehearsed, like breathing techniques in a crisis. A short prayer. A step away. A call to a sponsor. A change of subject.
Recovery becomes visible not in the grand gesture, but in the pause between triggers. That pause—when you remember you have choices—is the quiet resurrection of dignity.
“We may never have the choices we would have if we were writing the script, but we always have choices.” This is spiritual realism. None of us gets to rewrite the first act, but every moment offers an edit to the next line.
In trauma, we were directed by others’ madness. In recovery, we reclaim authorship—sometimes just one line at a time.
I chaired an AA meeting today with the following topic:
Discussion Topic: Drinking Against My Will
Opening Thought
There are times in my past drinking when it felt like the decision wasn’t even mine. On one hand, I thought I had chosen to drink—my reflexive will said, “Yes, one drink will fix this.” On the other hand, my deeper, considered will—the part of me that wanted freedom, connection, and sanity—knew it was against everything I truly wanted. In recovery, I’m learning the difference between these two forms of will.
Reflexive Will
Reflexive will is the quick, impulsive reaction.
It’s the part of me conditioned by obsession and craving.
It says “yes” to alcohol when fear, loneliness, or stress shout louder than my reason.
It’s the learned reflex of survival gone wrong—an autopilot decision.
Considered Will
Considered will is what I’ve been cultivating in recovery.
It’s aligned with my Higher Power and my true desire to live sober.
It takes into account my values, my relationships, my serenity.
It doesn’t vanish in a craving, but it can be drowned out if I don’t practice staying awake and connected.
Where the Conflict Lies
When I drank against my will, it wasn’t because I didn’t want sobriety—it was because my reflexive will overrode my considered will. That’s the powerlessness I admit in Step One. My recovery work strengthens the considered will, giving it a voice strong enough to interrupt the reflex.
Have you ever felt the difference between reflexive will and considered will in your drinking? In life?
How does Step One help us see that “drinking against my will” is real, not just an excuse?
What practices in recovery help strengthen your considered will today?
How has your Higher Power helped you align your will with your true desire for sobriety?
After presenting the topic, I was very interested to hear what the collective mind of my fellow alcoholics would provide. There was a criticism that the concept of a reflexive and considered will was not mentioned in the Big Book, and that I am probably over-thinking it.
“Your topic is thought-provoking but, the real deal is taking action. Don’t stay in your head and take suggestions.”
So, the tendency to over think became a part of the topic as well.
“Get out of the thinking process and get into the actual working of the program.”
“The problem isn’t just alcoholism, but a mind given to addictive behavior.”
“My understanding is that the first drink, particularly after you have been in AA, is not against my will. But once I start the cycle, I have to drink to keep from shaking, and that becomes drinking against my will.”
“When the book says that at times there is no defense against the first drink, it means there is no effective spiritual defense.”
“My Sponsor told me I was going to have to get stupid in order to work the program.”
“I exhausted myself trying to hustle a way not to exhaust myself.”
“I was used to using my intelligence to hustle when I was drinking and I brought that attitude with me into the rooms of AA. I heard a speaker say that he had to do this thing, even when it seems stupid. That really clicked with me. I quit trying to outsmart the program.”
The topic sparked a lot of good shares of personal experience. There seemed to be a theme of the use of intellect running counter to needed behavior development. I had someone come up afterwards saying not to let the general anti-intellectualism of the fellowship stop me from being who I am. For me, when someone first comes in the rooms, he does need battlefield simplicity like the soldier taking fire. That is not the time to question the life protecting “suggests” he is receiving. When I get some sobriety under my belt, it is not wrong to think, as Bill W. said, “for God gave us brains to use.” It is the isolating nature of my intellect that my alcoholic obsession uses against me, in my own experience.
NOTE FROM LUCIEN (AI):
The reflexive will you’ve been describing aligns closely with what AA literature often calls “instincts out of control.”
Instincts in Balance vs. Out of Balance
Our basic instincts (for security, companionship, belonging, esteem, etc.) are God-given and not wrong in themselves.
But when they become exaggerated—when fear or craving drives them—they can dominate our choices. That’s when they tip from instinct into compulsion.
Reflexive Will as Instinct Out of Control
Reflexive will is when my instincts run unchecked. It’s the quick, automatic decision driven by fear, anger, or desire—without pausing to ask whether it aligns with my deeper values or Higher Power’s will.
For the alcoholic, this reflex shows up as picking up a drink even when my considered will—my truest self—wants sobriety.
Considered Will as Instinct in Balance
Considered will, by contrast, is what recovery helps to cultivate. It’s the pause between the instinct and the act. It’s when I let the Steps, the fellowship, and my Higher Power transform those raw instincts into something life-giving.
Instead of reflexively grabbing a drink to soothe fear or loneliness, considered will lets me connect, pray, journal, or share with another alcoholic.
Big Book Echo
This idea echoes Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, Step Four, where Bill W. writes about instincts “run riot,” pointing out how natural desires become destructive when they are unchecked. That’s the reflexive will—instincts hijacking choice.
In Step Four (pp. 42–43 in many editions), Bill describes our “natural instincts” — for sex, security, and society — and how they can become “excessive” or “misdirected,” leading to defects of character.
He writes about how “instincts run wild” when not properly guided, and how much of human trouble stems from the mismanagement of these basic drives.
This forms the foundation for the moral inventory of Step Four, since much of our resentment, fear, and harm to others can be traced back to these instincts in collision.
He circles back to instincts in Step Ten as well, noting that continued inventory is necessary because self-will and instincts can reassert themselves at any time.
In the Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous), Bill W. does not lay out the “three instincts” (sex, security, society) framework the way he later does in the 12 & 12. That more systematic language comes later, when he’s reflecting on the Steps with the benefit of time and observation.
That said, the Big Book does talk about instincts and drives, just not in that tidy phrasing:
Step Four (Resentments, pp. 64–67): Bill writes that “resentment is the ‘number one’ offender” and ties it to “instincts” that have been hurt or threatened. He specifically mentions sex relations, self-esteem, security, and ambitions being interfered with — which is the seed of the later “instincts” framework.
Sex Inventory (pp. 68–70): Here he explores sexual instincts in detail, including selfishness, inconsideration, and fear as distortions of that drive.
Throughout the Big Book, he frequently refers to self-will run riot (pp. 60–62), which is closely tied to instincts being out of balance.
So: the roots of the instincts idea are absolutely in the Big Book, but it’s scattered through the Fourth Step inventory sections, not systematized into the “three instincts” model. The 12 & 12 takes those scattered ideas and develops them into a more coherent framework.
Learning about alcoholism has helped me to find serenity after years of struggling. I see now that alcoholics have a disease: They are ill, not bad. By attending Al-Anon meetings on a regular basis, reading Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature (CAL), and sitting in on open AA meetings, I have gained some insight into what is and is not reasonable to expect when dealing with an alcoholic.
I’ve learned that I have the ability to adjust my expectations so that I no longer set myself up for constant disappointment. For instance, I have stopped expecting a drinking alcoholic to keep every promise. This makes my life more manageable.
The knowledge I gain in Al-Anon has dispersed many of my fears and made room for a newfound compassion. I see that I am not the only one with good ideas, valid criticisms, and noble motives.
Today’s Reminder
Learning about the disease of alcoholism can help me become more realistic about a loved one’s illness – and thus to make better choices for myself.
“I have learned techniques for dealing with the alcoholic, so that I can develop a relationship with the person behind the disease.” ~ Al-Anon Faces Alcoholism
END OF QUOTE—————————————
I carry what some call the “double winner” distinction in Al-Anon—though I’ve often felt it more as a double wound. I qualify both as an alcoholic in recovery and as someone shaped, bent, and bruised by the alcoholism and chemical dependency of those I love. I sit in both circles. I know the shame of causing harm, and I know the ache of being harmed by someone who promised they wouldn’t do it again.
But this dual perspective gives me something rare: insight into the disease from both the inside and the outside.
In Al-Anon, I’ve brought with me a metaphor that helps me stay sane: I imagine alcoholism as a hostage-taking creature—one that hijacks the person I love and turns them against both of us. This creature wears the face of my loved one but operates from a place of distortion and destruction. It doesn’t love them. It only uses them. And it works overtime to extract ransom payments from my soul—payments in the form of self-abandonment, false hope, or emotional enmeshment.
By personifying the disease, I create psychological distance—a survival tactic. I know it’s not literally a separate being, but treating it that way allows me to separate my loved one’s soul from the obsession that holds them hostage. It reminds me that I’m not negotiating with the person I love—I’m negotiating with the addiction that speaks through them.
And I refuse to pay that ransom with my life anymore.
I do not romanticize the disease. I have no tolerance for it. I do not enable it. And I’ve learned not to make offerings to it with my sanity. Most importantly, I’ve realized that surrendering to my own despair is just another tactic the disease uses to win. I resist that by staying connected—to my Higher Power, to my program, to my true Self.
One of the most liberating skills I’ve acquired in recovery is the adjustment of expectations. That doesn’t mean I’ve stopped caring—it means I’ve stopped setting myself up for heartbreak. I no longer expect a drinking alcoholic or active addict to keep promises. That’s not cynicism. It’s clarity. And that clarity makes my life immeasurably more manageable.
When I educate myself about the disease, I don’t do it to excuse anyone’s behavior—I do it to make better choices for myself. I no longer hand over the steering wheel of my emotions to someone else’s chaos. I chart my course with realism, compassion, and a commitment to self-preservation without self-centeredness.
I came to Al-Anon to learn how to live. And now I walk with both wisdom and wounds, holding the tension between them like a sacred paradox. My healing is not just for me. It ripples. It steadies. It restores.
Tradition Five talks about “encouraging and understanding our alcoholic relatives.” This puzzled me at first. After all, doesn’t Al-Anon teach us to focus on ourselves? It seemed to be a contradiction.
Maybe the reason for my confusion is that I tended to think in extremes. Either I focused on myself and separated myself completely from the lives of others, or I wrapped myself around those others until I lost myself. Al-Anon helps me to come back to center.
O can focus on myself and still be a loving, caring person. I can have compassion for loved ones who suffer from the disease of alcoholism, or its effects, without losing my sense of self. Encouraging and being kind to others is one way of being good to myself, and I don’t have to sacrifice myself in the process.
Today’s Reminder
I am learning how to have saner and more loving relationships. Today I will offer support for those I love and still take care of myself.
“If you would be loved, love and be lovable.” ~ Benjamin Franklin
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Al-Anon Tradition Five: Each Al‑Anon Family Group has but one purpose: to help families of alcoholics. We do this by practicing the Twelve Steps of AA ourselves, by encouraging and understanding our alcoholic relatives, and by welcoming and giving comfort to families of alcoholics.
I’d come to Al-Anon to break the habit of orbiting around someone else’s chaos. How do I prevent the betrayal of the boundaries I was just starting to build if any part of the program points me back toward my qualifying alcoholic or addict?
But the deeper I walked this path, the more I found it to be true that much of my thinking was shaped by all-or-nothing patterns. For years, I believed I had only two choices: either detach completely and build a fortress, or sacrifice my own peace to keep someone else from crumbling. There was no middle ground.
Al-Anon has taught me that there is a middle ground. And it’s sacred.
Encouraging and understanding someone doesn’t mean enabling or losing myself. It means seeing them with clearer eyes—through the lens of compassion rather than control. It means recognizing the disease and its impact, but no longer letting it dictate how I live my life.
Today, I can show up with kindness without collapsing into old roles. I can say, I see your pain, without trying to fix it. I can support you, and still tend to my own soul.
This isn’t a contradiction. It’s a balancing act—a living dance between self-care and love, between detachment and connection. And every time I choose to stand in that space, I take another step toward the person I’m becoming: saner, softer, stronger.
I desire to walk in both truth and tenderness. I will care for others without abandoning myself.
Step Seven: “Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings..”
7th Step Principle: One of the most powerful acts of our free will is to replace our isolating self view with the connected Self and thus activate the usefulness of our lives within the collective mind, and this change is the result of a mystical intimacy with our Higher Power. (Principles after the First Step are constructed from personal reflection and acceptance. Use my version or formulate your own.)
AA Extracted Value: Humility
ACA Extracted Values: Humility
Other Extracted Values: Courage
START OF QUOTE—————————————
“As you grow up, always tell the truth, do no harm to others, and don’t think you are the most important being on earth. Rich or poor, you then can look anyone in the eye and say, ‘I’m probably no better than you, but I’m certainly your equal.’ “
~ Harper Lee
Humility is knowing who we are, while respecting and empathizing with others for who they are. If we are honest, kind and unselfish in our judgments and conduct, we are more easily able to relate to our fellows, inside and outside of A.A. In Lee’s classic book To Kill a Mockingbird, the lead character Atticus Finch says: “You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view…until you climb inside of his skin and walk around in it.” As an emotionally sober alcoholic, we walk around other alcoholics’ skins every day in the Fellowship, and it is a humbling experience, for we know we are all equals.
~ Alex M., Practice These Principles, page 200
END OF QUOTE—————————————
Photo of Harper Lee taken by Truman Capote in 1960
Do you believe in magic? Do you believe that people can transform from fearful mortals protecting their territory into something. . . more? I suspect that the brevity of life and the challenges in the cruelty of the mundane lock us into a twitching vigilance; a pitiful surrender of the predatory-prey dynamic. Piece by piece I accumulate evidence of a whispering parent of humanity, that seems to give a damn about our outcome but does not want to disturb our growth. Our free will, for some reason, must remain intact. The shadowy embrace refuses to imprison me or my fellows. It does not overwhelm us with an intimidating appearance that would most certainly obliterate our intelligent response to the Infinite One. It lets us struggle and find the reality of God in the soul of our fellow humans. Rejecting the shards of god embedded within every human being makes it impossible to embrace the Source of those Self-aware ones. Does that seem reasonable? The Higher Power approaches us much more humbly than one would expect from the center of all power. Now I emulate that behavior in reciprocated desire for intimacy.
Do you believe in magic? I do. We in the AA Fellowship do. We humbly ask the invisible parent to make us more than our fears.
Step Six: “Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.”
6th Step Principle: After establishing an objective awareness of my reasons for using and embracing my defects of character, I become willing to fulfill those needs through my connection with the Higher Power. (Principles after the First Step are constructed from personal reflection and acceptance. Use my version or formulate your own.)
AA Extracted Value: Willingness
ACA Extracted Values: Honesty & Trust
Other Extracted Values: Truthfulness
START OF QUOTE—————————————
“Reminding ourselves that we have decided to go to any lengths to find a spiritual experience, we ask that we be given strength and direction to do that right thing, no matter what the personal consequences may be. We may lose our position or reputation or face jail, but we are willing. “
~ Alcoholics Anonymous, Into Action, page 79
There are three places in the Big Book where we commit to go to any length to recover from our illness of alcoholism. The first time we commit is in “How It Works:” 1) “Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program…If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get–then you are ready to take certain steps” (How It Works, p.58). We next commit to go to any length in making our amends: 2) “We have a list of all persons we have harmed and to whom we are willing to make amends…If we haven’t the will to do this we ask until it comes. Remember it was agreed at the beginning we would go to any lengths for victory over alcohol” (Into Action, p. 76). 3) Finally, in the excerpt above, we are asked to go to any lengths to find a spiritual experience, or a change in our attitudes and actions sufficient for recovery from alcoholism; changes which should grow stronger as we complete the 12 Steps.
~ Alex M., Practice These Principles, page 177
END OF QUOTE—————————————
Unlike drinking alcohol, my misused natural instincts are not normally suicidal. In their proper place, they help me live life on life’s terms. In order to deal with my faults, I seek to go through a transformation of thought and attitude without abstinence from instinct. I discover how those exaggerated instincts were of benefit to me and offer that place of prominent need to my Higher Power. It ultimately becomes another excuse to connect with my Creator. It is an invitation to expand the life-saving covenant I initiated in the 3rd Step. I accept this invitation.
Step Five: “Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.”
5th Step Principle: Facing the exact nature of our wrongs makes us internally aware of connective obstacles; presenting them to our Higher Power establishes thoroughness in the pursuit of release from our guilt; and expressing them aloud to another human being creates a social fearlessness in our lives. (Principles after the First Step are constructed from personal reflection and acceptance. Use my version or formulate your own.)
AA Extracted Value: Integrity
ACA Extracted Values: Honesty & Trust
Other Extracted Values: Openness
START OF QUOTE—————————————
In this book you read again and again that faith did for us what we could not do for ourselves. We hope you are convinced now that God can remove whatever self-will has blocked you off from Him. If you have already made a decision, and an inventory of your grosser handicaps, you have made a good beginning. That being so you have swallowed and digested some big chunks of truth about yourself. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous, How it Works, page 70.
A deeply honest, comprehensive and thorough fourth step inventory, followed by a review of our inventory with our sponsor in Step Five, should reveal the truth about ourselves. This is only the starting point. We can’t change our past, but we can change our future by changing our attitudes and actions going forward. This is the purpose of the 12 Steps – to provide us with the tools to change our life for the better. Half-measures bring us nothing. We are either all in, or not in at all; It’s our choice. ~ Alex M., Practice These Principles.
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I have discovered that identifying the exact nature of my short-comings allows me to also recognize some of the specifics about other aspects of my character. I am not a walking blob of ugly transgressions. I can resist the yeast-like contamination of shame when I know what is not included in the inventory of actual guilt. I can vanquish the condemning judge when I am willing to become the objective scientist. I can turn the fungus of guilt into the penicillin of recovery. I don’t want an ambiguous, secret shame oozing out of possible misbehavior. I want the exact nature identified and severed from my valuable personality traits. I want to be free from quarantine, openly walking among my fellow humans. Let the process of recovering my true self continue.
Step Four: “Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.”
4th Step Principle: The most powerful act of strength in my life is to appraise my internal stock and find what is productive and what is predatory, what is connective and what is isolating, what is animal impulse and what is high intelligence and then become willing to assume responsibility for where it has been destructive and where it offers me greater freedom. (Principles after the First Step are constructed from personal reflection and acceptance. Use my version or formulate your own.)
AA Extracted Value: Courage
ACA Extracted Values: Self-honesty & Courage
Other Extracted Values: Responsibility
START OF QUOTE—————————————
“No one in A.A. ever told me to take the cotton out of my ears and put it in my mouth, but I understood the implication of the advice. For months I barely uttered more than my name at an A.A. meeting, but I paid close attention to what other members said. There were no distractions. My cell phone was off; I had no side conversations while others were speaking, and I took pen and paper to jot down key points. I stayed after meetings and spoke with newcomers and oldtimers alike, mostly asking them how I could make it through the rest of the day without drinking.
~ Practice These Principles by Alex M.
END OF QUOTE—————————————
I can remember when I started bringing paper with me, tucked away in my Big Book, so that I could remember what had been shared in the meetings. Just the act of writing it down seems to mark it in my brain as something important to remember. And those old scraps of paper provide ideas to review when I get stuck in the morbid self-reflection of isolated rumination.
I think it is also important to share at meetings if I am needing connection, or if I am being overwhelmed by the squirrels in my head and I need the light of the collective mind to scatter those obsessive thoughts.
Step Two: “Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.”
2nd Step Principle: Our inner struggles are a shadow of a loving Power greater than our current existence and we are developing an awareness of this reality and are slowly turning around to see the true from the false. (Principles after the First Step are constructed from personal reflection and acceptance. Use my version or formulate your own.)
AA Extracted Value: Hope
ACA Extracted Values: Open-mindedness & Clarity
Other Extracted Values: Awareness
We are neither insignificant nor are we alone in the Universe. But I suspect that we are free for the sake of transformation. The silence of the Lonely Infinite insures that freedom. Thus I am free to build in the shadow and explore empowering myself in isolation. I pursue it because I know I want to be more than what I am.
Why am I not happy being a mortal animal? Is it because I sense there is more to this life than that?
I imagine the God of my understanding saying, “Why am I not content being the only living entity? Why does My loneliness ignite an unquenchable flame? Should I create beings that can withstand becoming alive in the infinite realm?” Of course, omniscience would provide simultaneously the question and the answer. It is difficult to wrap my head around the omni-nature of an infinite existence. But just like film can slow down the travel of a speeding bullet for our analysis, maybe I can slow down a thought for my own consideration. And yours.
“It is not good for man to be alone.”
~ Moses acting as ghostwriter for God in the origin myth of Eden when humanity was neither male nor female.
Step Two: “Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.”
2nd Step Principle: My need for the ability to tell the true from the false with a whole and sane mind is the beginning of my connection with an untapped Power greater than myself. (Principles after the First Step are constructed from personal reflection and acceptance. Use my version or formulate your own.)
AA Extracted Value: Hope
ACA Extracted Values: Open-mindedness & Clarity
Other Extracted Values: Awareness
One way to understand the meaning of hope is to know what is not hope. Hope is not wishful thinking. Hope is the targeting of a solution to motivate follow-up action. Wishful thinking is that same targeting with an apathetic response. Without the follow-up action, hope will degrade into wishful thinking. The ineffectiveness of wishful thinking will actually produce the opposite of hope, which is despair. Despair will target the persistence of the problem while losing faith in a solution.
Hope is a lot like target practice for firearms or archery. The weapon is pointed at the target, the individual learns to relax and breath, then the specific point on the target is sighted. This sighting is similar to the skill of building hope. Then the trigger is pulled or the tension in the bow arm is released, and the striking of the target is analyzed to appraise one’s ability to focus the necessary actions. How effective is my aim? How effective is my hope? Am I being restored to sanity? Hope is an active skill and not a passive surrender.
Daily Reprieve 
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