. . . And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.”

Hamlet Act 1, scene 3, 78–82 ~ William Shakespeare

One of the religious weeds that the 12 step recovery program uprooted from my life was the need to “eliminate self so that God could shine through.”

“Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must, or it kills us! God makes that possible. And there often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self without His aid”  (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 62)

For me, it became important to see that alcoholics had a particular brand of selfishness they must be rid of.  Self preservation and self esteem are good and necessary for success in the program.  Isolated self exaltation with self-will run riot is life threatening for the alcoholic.  I do not believe that God has ever been an advocate of spiritual suicide.  When the Big Book talks of getting rid of self, I believe it is speaking of a fearfully disconnected version of self.

If we don’t have a sense of psyche and a developed sense of self and a sense of ego to begin with, there’s nothing to transcend and it makes it really hard to function in day-to-day life and relationships. There are those who want to “transcend” as a way to disassociate from the feelings of grief and sadness and anxiety….when often this sadness and anxiety has so much to do with a under-developed “self.” So rather than attempting to “transcend” (as a way to avoid life)
I would encourage us to develop a “self” (through many self-defining acts…figuring out what we need, what we want, what we love, who “we” ARE, what our mission is, what we value etc) and THEN transcend it by acknowledging that underneath all these definitions lies pure love, pure awareness, pure consciousness itself…that connects us all. BOTH these ideas can live together at the same time: that we have a sense of “self”–small S—and that we have a sense of “Self”, of our godliness and innate consciousness and goodness—big S. ~ [ https://www.facebook.com/alanismorissette ]

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

 Many of us who had thought ourselves religious awoke to the limitations of this attitude. Refusing to place God first, we had deprived ourselves of His help.   (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 75)

Many false notions operate in false pride. The need for direction to live a decent life is satisfied by the hope experienced in the A.A. Fellowship. Those who have walked the way for years – a day at a time – say that a God-centered life has limitless possibilities for personal growth. This being so, much hope is transmitted by the elder A.A.s.

I thank my Higher Power for letting me know that He works through other people, and I thank Him for our trusted servants in the Fellowship who aid new members to reject their false ideals and to adopt those which lead to a life of compassion and trust. The elders in A.A. challenge the newcomers to “Come To” – so that they can “Come to Believe.” I ask my Higher Power to help my unbelief.

END OF QUOTE

——————————–

There are several members in the program who have been able to hold the course, and I am strengthened as they sow the message.  I do agree that the testimony of a day by day walk in a God-centered life has limitless possibilities for personal growth.  This reality does inspire great hope.

It is interesting to me that the contribution from the 12 and 12 referred to thinking ourselves religious as a limiting attitude, because it actually keeps one from putting connection with God first.   It seems to me that the crux of today’s reflection is that religious pride is false pride.  I had to reject the “us and them” mentality to embrace a more powerfully inclusive trust and compassion.

From Today’s Daily Reflections (late);

During this process of learning more about humility, the most profound result of all was the change in our attitude toward God.   (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 75)

Today my prayers consist mostly of saying thank you to my Higher Power for my sobriety and for the wonder of God’s abundance, but I need to ask also for help and the power to carry out His will for me. I no longer need God each minute to rescue me from the situations I get myself into by not doing His will.  Now my gratitude seems to be directly linked to humility. As long as I have the humility to be grateful for what I have, God continues to provide for me.

END OF QUOTE

——————————–

I am grateful to Gomu (God of my understanding) for the freedom from alcoholic domination.  I am grateful that I have a restored and more real relationship with my God.  I am grateful that I have a safe place to recover and grow.  I am so very grateful.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

My stability came out of trying to give, not out of demanding that I receive.

Thus I think it can work out with emotional sobriety. If we examine every disturbance we have, great or small, we will find at the root of it some unhealthy dependency and its consequent unhealthy demand. Let us, with God’s help, continually surrender these hobbling demands. Then we can be set free to live and love; we may then be able to Twelfth Step ourselves and others into emotional sobriety.   (The Language of the Heart, page 238)

Years of dependency on alcohol as a chemical mood-changer deprived me of the capability to interact emotionally with my fellows. I thought I had to be self-sufficient, self-reliant, and self-motivated in a world of unreliable people. Finally I lost my self-respect and was left with dependency, lacking any ability to trust myself or to believe in anything. Surrender and self-examination while sharing with newcomers helped me to ask humbly for help.

END OF QUOTE

———————————————-

Ultimate Goal:  Stability of Emotional Sobriety.

Training Goal:  Capability to interact emotionally with my fellows.

1.  Lose faith in isolated self-reliance, isolated self-sufficiency, and isolated self-motivation in a world of unreliable and uncontrollable people. (I am powerless over my emotions and my relationships have become unmanageable).

2.  Examine every disturbance to find root of unhealthy dependency and consequent unhealthy demand.  Prayer radio in for supernatural intervention to counter destructive dependencies and demands.  (Came to believe in God who could restore me to Sanity, which is life based on truth).

3. As Higher Power intervenes, exercise freedom to live and love, twelfth stepping myself and others into emotional sobriety.  (Made a decision that will lead to action; a decision to turn will and emotional lives over to God).

I see that this process implies connection with others who desire this goal of emotional sobriety, a habit of self-examination, and a surrender to prayerful contact with Gomu (God of my understanding).

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

In every case, pain had been the price of admission into a new life. But this admission price had purchased more than we expected. It brought a measure of humility, which we soon discovered to be a healer of pain.  (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 25)

It was painful to give up trying to control my life, even though success eluded me, and when life got too rough, I drank to escape. Accepting life on life’s terms will be mastered through the humility I experience when I turn my will and my life over to the care of God, as I understand Him. With my life in God’s care, fear, uncertainty, and anger are no longer my response to those portions of life that I would rather not have happen to me. The pain of living through these times will be healed by the knowledge that I have received the spiritual strength to survive.

END OF QUOTE

—————————————–

As a child, I was a sponge that matured by absorbing the resources of my environment.  I was wide open and vulnerable and responded to powerful, irresistible natural forces that increased the realm of my mind, heart, and body.  As I approached physical maturity my growth became more of a matter of choice.  My willingness to experience and endure pain is a primary dynamic of growth in my adult life.  My ability to stay open-minded and vulnerable during these transitional periods convert pain into humility.  This humility allows me to support the healing of  the lethal pain in others.  As a result, I grow into a new spiritual awakening with the power to live as a more powerful version of myself.  Humility is the raw resource of growth through connection.  The mantra often used for physical training is true in the realm of the spirit as well; No pain, no gain.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

For thousands of years we have been demanding more than our share of security, prestige, and romance. When we seemed to be succeeding, we drank to dream still greater dreams. When we were frustrated, even in part, we drank for oblivion. Never was there enough of what we thought we wanted.

In all these strivings, so many of them well-intentioned, our crippling handicap had been our lack of humility. We had lacked the perspective to see that character-building and spiritual values had to come first, and that material satisfactions were not the purpose of living.   (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 71)

Time and again I approached the Seventh Step, only to fall back and regroup. Something was missing and the impact of the Step escaped me. What had I overlooked? A single word: read but ignored, the foundation of all the Steps, indeed the entire Alcoholics Anonymous program – that word is “humbly.”

I understood my shortcomings: I constantly put tasks off; I angered easily; I felt too much self-pity; and I thought, why me? Then I remembered, “Pride goeth before the fall,” and I eliminated pride from my life.

END OF QUOTE

——————————————

“I eliminated pride from my life.”  Wow.  Really?  Hmmm.  I can believe that pride has been spotlighted in one’s life as a useless characteristic and has lost credibility as one realizes the social pain and personal weakness it fosters.  It is not the same thing as self-esteem or self-confidence.  It is not the same thing as drawing inspiration from iconic associations, such as a pride in one’s country or children or ancestors.

This pride is the attempt to shine the world’s attention on what I perceive to be my strongest presentation, while hiding my short-comings and failings.  This pride defies the ability to be truthful about myself and my place in this life.  It is this pride that precedes a fall.

The same God that helped put me in a state of neutrality toward alcohol can help me find the roots that feed my pride and make them obsolete.  This is my hope.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

Where humility had formerly stood for a forced feeding on humble pie, it now begins to mean the nourishing ingredient which can give us serenity.  (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 74)

How often do I focus on my problems and frustrations? When I am having a “good day” these same problems shrink in importance and my preoccupation with them dwindles. Wouldn’t it be better if I could find a key to unlock the “magic” of my “good days” for use on the woes of my “bad days?”

I already have the solution! Instead of trying to run away from my pain and wish my problems away, I can pray for humility! Humility will heal the pain. Humility will take me out of myself. Humility, that strength granted to me by that “power greater than myself,” is mine for the asking! Humility will bring balance back into my life. Humility will allow me to accept my humanness joyously.

END OF QUOTE

—————————————————-

It seems that my life and these writings are running in a supernatural parallel.   I have lived too long dominated by fear and it has kept me locked up inside.  What is it like to walk this earth in serenity?   What do I need to do?  I just ask and keep on asking until I find God’s open door unlocked by a key forged in the depths of my heart.  Is this true?

I’ll take this challenge and ask for this humility.  I want to come outside of myself and live.  The song lyrics form Neil Diamond’s JLS music just came to me.  My heart spoke the “Dear Father” and I was answered with the “Be.”  I was so starving, and this is good food.  I pray that you to will be filled in the asking.

DEAR FATHER
Dear Farther
We dream )))
While we may
Who are we to need
We need ))
While we wait ))

BE
Lost
On a painted sky
Where the clouds are hung
For the poet’s eye
You may find him
If you may find him
There
On a distant shore
By the wings of dreams
Through an open door
You may know him
If you may

Be
As a page that aches for a word
Which speaks on a theme that is timeless
While the Sun God will make for your day
Sing
As a song in search of a voice that is silent
And the one God will make for your way

And we dance
To a whispered voice
Overheard by the soul
Undertook by the heart
And you may know it
If you may know it

While the sand
Would become the stone
Which begat the spark
Turned to living bone
Holy, holy
Sanctus, sanctus

Be
As a page that aches for a word
Which speaks on a theme that is timeless
While the Sun God will make for your day
Sing
As a song in search of a voice that is silent
And the one God will make for your way

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

As long as we placed self-reliance first, a genuine reliance upon a Higher Power was out of the question. That basic ingredient of all humility, a desire to seek and do God’s will, was missing.  (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 72)

When I first came to A.A., I wanted to find some of the elusive quality called humility. I didn’t realize I was looking for humility because I thought it would help me get what I wanted, and that I would do anything for others if I thought God would somehow reward me for it. I try to remember now that the people I meet in the course of my day are as close to God as I am ever going to get while on this earth. I need to pray for knowledge of God’s will today, and see how my experience with hope and pain can help other people; if I can do that, I don’t need to search for humility, it has found me.

END OF QUOTE

————————————————-

I have read the contribution several times and prayed.  I have been to a meeting and rambled out some words.  I would like to be useful, but I have an abundance of fear and loneliness today.  I feel like that child whistling in the dark.  It is not that I desire a drink.  The reward from God I seek is relief from this anxiety.  I am studying for the Praxis II test for Grad school and having a difficult time focusing.  If I find something better than a belly full of personal issues, I will share that later on.  Thank-you for your patience.

================SIX HOURS LATER===============

I am better now.  Sorry about the emotional lapse.

I hear the contributor saying that when he first came to AA, he valued himself above others.  He had come to realize that his motives were to move God and life to bend in response to his efforts.  The correction to this selfish delusion was to recognize the equal value and place before God and the Universe that other people held.  He now desires to see how he can bend and move to fulfill the will of his God and to help others with his particular experience in both hope and pain.  Our work is a cooperative effort, but the ultimate results such as sobriety and humility are given to us through our connection with Gomu (God of my understanding).

I have also been given a measure of peace that will allow me to get back to studying once I get some sleep.  It is good to see the powerful gifts that come from dependence on my Higher Power.  I am grateful.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

For without some degree of humility, no alcoholic can stay sober at all. . . . Without it, they cannot live to much useful purpose, or, in adversity, be able to summon the faith that can meet any emergency.   (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 70)

Why do I balk at the word “humility”? I am not humbling myself toward other people, but toward God, as I understand Him. Humility means “to show submissive respect,” and by being humble I realize I am not the center of the universe. When I was drinking, I was consumed by pride and self-centeredness. I felt the entire world revolved around me, that I was master of my destiny. Humility enables me to depend more on God to help me overcome obstacles, to help me with my own imperfections, so that I may grow spiritually. I must solve more difficult problems to increase my proficiency and, as I encounter life’s stumbling blocks, I must learn to overcome them through God’s help. Daily communion with God demonstrates my humility and provides me with the realization that an entity more powerful than I is willing to help me if I cease trying to play God myself.

END OF QUOTE

——————————————–

For me, humility is something I do within myself that has profound outward expressions.  I hunger for power and control over my world, but my isolated heart produces only powerlessness and a progressively unmanageable life.  God introduces me to truth which is the foundation of sanity.  I make an agreement to let God manage me while he continues to introduce me to my true self.  I embrace the courage necessary to become vulnerable to a small circle of trust.   God weeds the garden of my life so that which is truly me, that my Source planted in the beginning, can come out.

The real delusion for me is that there was ever a choice between humility and powerful lone wolf self expression.  Nothing in nature lives and prospers in isolation.  If I get a job, I humble my will to the expectations of an employer.  When I joined the military, I humbled myself to the fulfillment of mission.  When I camped in the forests, I humbled myself to the requirements of survival in the elements.  When I married, I humbled myself to the needs of intimacy.  The only real choice I have every been given is what I am going to humble myself to.

The inner work of humility produces an outer expression of respect for others and a trust in something that loves us and does magical things with those who chose to humble themselves to the requirements of intimacy with a Higher Power.  Let this humility have its completed work in me, and let it be demonstrated in my own usefulness to others.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

A great turning point in our lives came when we sought for humility as something we really wanted, rather than as something we must have.  (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 75)

Either the A.A. way of life becomes one of joy or I return to the darkness and despair of alcoholism. Joy comes to me when my attitude concerning God and humility turns to one of desire rather than of burden. The darkness in my life changes to radiant light when I arrive at the realization that being truthful and honest in dealing with my inventory results in my life being filled with serenity, freedom, and joy. Trust in my Higher Power deepens, and the flush of gratitude spreads through my being. I am convinced that being humble is being truthful and honest in dealing with myself and God. It is then that humility is something I “really want,” rather than being “something I must have.”

END OF QUOTE

————————————————–

There is a discipline that goes with being humble.  It is hard for me to keep to the protective rituals of the program without a vision of where I want to go.  Abstinence involves work necessary to put distance between me and the first drink.  In the beginning of my journey, humility looked religious and demanding.  Sobriety is the work necessary to make alcohol obsolete in my life.  My alcoholic delusions are replaced with visions of joy, radiant spiritual illumination, and being filled with serenity, freedom, and more joy.  The humility of abstinence is weighted by the burden of leaving my disease.  The humility of sobriety is the labor of love that draws me closer to God.  The tasks are the same; it is me that changes.