Daily Reprieve

From September 4th’s Daily Reflections;

Yes, there is a long period of reconstruction ahead. . . .   (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 83)

The reconstruction of my life is the prime goal in my recovery as I avoid taking that first drink, one day at a time. The task is most successfully accomplished by working the Steps of our Fellowship. The spiritual life is not a theory; it works, but I have to live it. Step Two started me on my journey to develop a spiritual life; Step Nine allows me to move into the final phase of the initial Steps which taught me how to live a spiritual life. Without the guidance and strength of a Higher Power, it would be impossible to proceed through the various stages of reconstruction. I realize that God works for me and through me. Proof comes to me when I realize that God did for me what I could not do for myself, by removing that gnawing compulsion to drink. I must continue daily to seek God’s guidance. He grants me a daily reprieve and will provide the power I need for reconstruction.

END OF QUOTE

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Reconstruction may be the primary goal for some people.  Restoration of marriages and family may be the path for some members of this fellowship.  There are some of us that simply cannot restore what has been lost.  Making amends becomes a way of accepting that reality and letting it go.  It may involve construction of things we have never experienced before.  An open mind, a willing heart and a living spirit is the primary goal of my recovery.

From September 2nd’s Daily Reflections;

The willingness to grow is the essence of all spiritual development.   (As Bill Sees It, page 171)

A line from a song goes, “. . . and I look to find a reason to believe . . .” It reminds me that at one time I was not able to find a reason to believe that my life was all right. Even though my life had been saved by my coming to A.A., three months later I went out and drank again. Someone told me: “You don’t have to believe.  Aren’t you willing to believe that there is a reason for your life, even though you may not know yourself what that reason is, or that you may not sometimes know the right way to behave?” When I saw how willing I was to believe there was a reason for my life, then I could start to work on the Steps. Now when I begin with, “I am willing. . . ,” I am using the key that leads to action, honesty, and an openness to a Higher Power moving through my life.

END OF QUOTE

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Early in sobriety I was seeing a counselor, looking for some resolution to my acceptance issues.  In all my verbal splashing about he observed, “you really want to believe.”  The desire to be able to trust a Gomu (God of my understanding) was still there fighting for life.  The counselor gave me a prayer that appealed to me in its genuineness;

“My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it. Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.”

(Thomas Merton, Thoughts in Solitude)

Note:  I realize that I got the 2nd and 3rd mixed up.  Sorry about that.

From September 3rd’s Daily Reflections;

We feel a man is unthinking when he says sobriety is enough.   (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 82)

When I reflect on Step Nine, I see that physical sobriety must be enough for me. I need to remember the hopelessness I felt before I found sobriety, and how I was willing to go to any lengths for it. Physical sobriety is not enough for those around me, however, since I must see that God’s gift is used to build a new life for my family and loved ones. Just as importantly, I must be available to help others who want the A.A. way of life.

I ask God to help me share the gift of sobriety so that its benefits may be shown to those I know and love.

END OF QUOTE

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This contribution to the Daily Reflections has a little bit of a religious hijack in it, when the contributor says that he must be content with “physical sobriety,” when only thinking about his own life.  The only time he is justified in wanting more out of life than abstinence from alcohol is when he can reason that others will benefit.  This is the martyr’s approach to AA and it runs counter to the reality that alcoholism is a primary disease and not a criminal conspiracy.  I feel religious shame is inappropriate.  I can gain permanent physical sobriety without the 12 steps by committing suicide if that was my only goal for my life.

This program is not for those who need it, but for those who want it.  This is a selfish program, meaning that its success hinges on the alcoholic having a good sense of self-preservation.  I want this life first of all, for me.  Then I have something to give to others.  So, I agree that a man is unthinking when he says sobriety (abstinence) is enough for others or for himself.

“He is like the farmer who came up out of his cyclone cellar to find his home ruined. To his wife, he remarked, ‘Don’t see anything the matter here, Ma. Ain’t it grand the wind stopped blowin’ ?’ ” (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 82)

There is one qualification to my assertions here.  The disease may not be my fault, but it is not the fault of those that love me or who have invested in my life either.  I must take responsibility for the damage my disease did to others and thus help in their recovery where I can.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

If more gifts are to be received, our awakening has to go on.   (As Bill Sees It, page 8)

Sobriety fills the painful “hole in the soul” that my alcoholism created. Often I feel so physically well that I believe my work is done. However, joy is not just the absence of pain; it is the gift of continued spiritual awakening. Joy comes from ongoing and active study, as well as application of the principles of recovery in my everyday life, and from sharing that experience with others. My Higher Power presents many opportunities for deeper spiritual awakening. I need only to bring into my recovery the willingness to grow. Today I am ready to grow.

END OF QUOTE

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For me, there is a difference between initial abstinence from alcohol and the sobriety of a spiritual awakening.  I need abstinence to gain sobriety which in turn protects abstinence, the only known physical cure for this disease.  Abstinence is an event that can be marked as a milestone with tokens and applause.  Sobriety is marked with milestones of greater spiritual awakening.

I added a new page I thought was pretty good.

https://endigar.wordpress.com/the-disease-of-alcoholism/

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

Alcoholics Anonymous will never have a professional class. We have gained some understanding of the ancient words “Freely ye have received, freely give.” We have discovered that at the point of professionalism, money and spirituality do not mix.   (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 166)

I believe that Alcoholics Anonymous stands alone in the treatment of alcoholism because it is based solely on the principle of one alcoholic sharing with another alcoholic. This is what makes the program unique. When I decided that I wanted to stay sober, I called a woman who I knew was a sober member of A.A., and she carried the message of Alcoholics Anonymous to me. She received no monetary compensation, but rather was paid by staying sober another day herself. Today I could ask for no payment other than another day free from alcohol, so in that respect, I am generously paid for my labor.

END OF QUOTE

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I hope that I can be of help to others.  I hope that I can stay awake from that stupor of isolated selfishness.  I know that it is miraculous to be among the living.   I cannot imagine taking money and doing anything that might impede someone else from escaping hell.  I am no saint, but there is something profound in giving when you know what you have been granted.  I pray that my life is useful.  That’s all.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

“At one time . . . every A.A. group had many membership rules. Everybody was scared witless that something or somebody would capsize the boat. . . .The total list was a mile long. If all those rules had been in effect everywhere, nobody could have possibly joined A.A. at all, . . .”   (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, pages 139 – 140)

I’m grateful that the Third Tradition only requires of me a desire to stop drinking. I had been breaking promises for years. In the Fellowship I didn’t have to make promises, I didn’t have to concentrate. It only required my attending one meeting, in a foggy condition, to know I was home. I didn’t have to pledge undying love. Here, strangers hugged me. “It gets better,” they said, and “One day at a time, you can do it.” They were no longer strangers, but caring friends. I ask God to help me to reach out to people desiring sobriety, and to, please, keep me grateful!

END OF QUOTE

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I think AA does not need rules and requirements because Alcohol indirectly continues to provide them for us.  If I want alcohol out of my life, I must have spirituality in it.  I think absolute free will is an intoxicating illusion.  If I desire to live, I must eat, drink, and breath.  I cannot choose to live without food, water, or air.  We live in a Universe of hidden requirements.  That is especially true for the alcoholic.

The real tyrant for self-aware beings such as the human species is death.  Mortality is the God of carbon-based existence, and alcohol is one of its many evangelists.   AA cannot override death but it can prevent us from ending life in a humiliating alcoholic tragedy.

I am grateful for the inclusive nature of this fellowship.  My gratitude was first for the separation from alcohol.  As I continue forward, I am grateful for the prospect of immortality through a spiritual awakening.  The ideal of free will becomes a possibility where death has been vanquished.

Until then, I have learned that a desire to stop drinking is more powerful than a promise to do so.  So it appears to me that desire is the closest thing to immortal free will that I can achieve in this flesh at this time.  If I were a dog, the choices would be life on a chain of isolated self will or life on a leash, which is being bound to a force greater than myself.  The only requirement is a desire to be as free as Gomu (God of my understanding) can make me.

From Yesterday’s Daily Reflections;

We are sure that humility, expressed by anonymity, is the greatest safeguard that Alcoholics Anonymous can ever have.   (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 187)

Since there are no rules in A.A. I place myself where I want to be, and so I choose anonymity. I want my God to use me, humbly, as one of His tools in this program. Sacrifice is the art of giving of myself freely, allowing humility to replace my ego. With sobriety, I suppress that urge to cry out to the world, “I am a member of A.A.” and I experience inner joy and peace. I let people see the changes in me and hope they will ask what happened to me. I place the principles of spirituality ahead of judging, fault-finding, and criticism. I want love and caring in my group, so I can grow.

END OF QUOTE

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I remember when someone in a meeting observed that anonymity was an expression of humility.  I had never made the connection.  For me, it was a protection from the social stigmas that went along with admitting alcoholism.  I felt like it was something akin to the occult secrecy of witchcraft or the Masons.  I understand now that we need to be a Fellowship that carries a message and lives by certain principals.  This reality must supersede the rise of individual personalities with their tendency toward self-promotion.  Our own isolated egos are the seed of our individual and collective destruction.  Anything that will lead us to cut-off from the group is a threat, especially the spotlight of miracle-working messiahs.  The power is in the We and not the I.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

Showing others who suffer how we were given help is the very thing which makes life seem so worth while to us now. . . . the dark past is . . . the key to life and happiness for others.   (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 124)

Since I have been sober, I have been healed of many pains: deceiving my partner, deserting my best friend, and spoiling my mother’s hopes for my life. In each case someone in the program told me of a similar problem, and I was able to share what happened to me. When my story was told, both of us got up with lighter hearts.

END OF QUOTE

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I am exiled.  I am a disappointment.  I am a fake.  I am pathetic.  I am not understood.  My morbid self reflection was a crushing burden.

Yes you were, but so what.  So were we.  We took action and let the grungy past become events rather than a lifestyle.  We are a Fellowship.  We care.  We are genuine.  We are courageous.  Let it go and live.  We did, so can you.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

When World War II broke out, our A.A. dependence on a Higher Power had its first major test.   A.A.’s entered the services and were scattered all over the world.  Would they be able to take the discipline, stand up under fire, and endure . . . ?   (As Bill Sees It, page 200)

I will center my thoughts on a Higher Power. I will surrender all to this power within me. I will become a soldier for this power, feeling the might of the spiritual army as it exists in my life today. I will allow a wave of spiritual union to connect me through my gratitude, obedience and discipline to this Higher Power. Let me allow this power to lead me through the orders of the day. May the steps I take today strengthen my words and deeds, may I know that the message I carry is mine to share, given freely by this power greater than myself.

END OF QUOTE

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When I entered the military, I hoped that it would transform me into a disciplined and effectively masculine individual.  All the bad-ass in the Universe would reside in my heart.  The icon of military service contains some of the highest standards of human behavior, but when animal flesh meets idealistic fantasy, a hybrid creature is formed.  A recovered alcoholic is familiar with this reality.  Too much “I” and not enough “We” will lead me to morbid self loathing.  The cleanest room in the house is maintained by the dead man, because there is no messy interference of life to disrupt his established order.  Our greatest disciplines are designed to protect our connections with each other and Gomu (God of my understanding).

Still, I imagine any group would benefit from a military sense of responsibility.  I cherish the ideals I learned in serving my country.