Archive for April, 2025

Endigar 930 ~ The Quiet Strength of Meditation

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , on April 30, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Jun 21:

What exactly is meditation? Is it something hypnotic, strange, and beyond my capabilities? The dictionary tells me it means, “to think contemplatively.” When I look up “contemplate” it says, “to view thoughtfully.”

In every quiet moment I can find to calm my mind and think through the day ahead of me, I am meditating. During these moments, by clearing my mind and asking my Higher Power to guide me, I find answers to my concerns. I don’t always expect or enjoy the answers I get, but to turn away from them causes even greater turmoil.

I have spent too much of the past working against my better instincts. God gave me instincts as a help, not a hindrance. The more I am quiet enough to discover and follow these instincts, the stronger they become.

Today’s Reminder

I will take time to clear my mind and focus on what is essential for today. I will release any unimportant thoughts. I will then allow myself to be guided toward the best action I can take for today. Regardless of how simple the answers my seem, I will listen without judgment. I will not take my thoughts for granted, for they may be my only guide.

“Go to your bosom: Knock there, and ask your heart what it doth know.” ~ William Shakespeare

END OF QUOTE—————————————

Before recovery, I thought meditation was for other people — the enlightened, the peaceful, the ones who lit incense and floated above pain. I didn’t trust stillness back then; it felt like a trap. I needed chaos to feel alive.

But somewhere along the way, as I kept showing up for my regular practice — simple, imperfect, mostly just sitting and breathing — something started to shift. I began to notice that silence didn’t mean absence. It meant space. Spaciousness. A room inside myself where my Higher Power could speak in the only language the soul understands: quiet.

This reflection reminds me that meditation isn’t a performance — it’s permission. Permission to stop trying to figure everything out. Permission to be empty, just for a few minutes, and listen without fixing. Sometimes I receive insight. Sometimes just presence. Sometimes, like today, I realize how deeply it has shaped me — not because I’m “doing it right,” but because I no longer lose myself in every loud moment that comes.

When I had an automobile accident today, my body was hit — but I wasn’t. And maybe that’s what meditation has given me: a self that’s no longer tied to every external storm. I don’t have to panic. I don’t even have to react. I just breathe, ask for guidance, and wait.

I don’t always like the answers. But I’ve lived long enough to know that running from the truth hurts worse than facing it. I’ve fought my own spiritual instincts for years, called them inconvenient, too soft, too slow. But now I see — they were never the problem. They were the compass I didn’t know how to read.

Today, I’ll keep clearing a little space. Not for perfection — for direction. Even the gentlest nudge from within is enough to move mountains when I’m willing to trust it.

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Endigar 929

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on April 29, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Jun 20:

Fear was a daily part of my experience of alcoholism, and I learned certain ways to cope with it. I often catch myself reacting to my fears in the same way today, even though my circumstances have changed. For example, I often keep quiet when confronted, instead of speaking my mind. This might be a legitimate response, except that I don’t consciously make the choice. This is not responding, it’s reacting, giving up my self-respect out of fear and out of habit.

My best alternative is to admit that I have a problem, accept my reactions, and turn them over to my Higher Power. I’ve often heard that courage is fear that has said its prayers. I must recognize my fear, I must say those prayers, and I must have faith as I wait for healing.

In the meantime, there are important ways in which I can help myself. The first step in learning to respond more effectively to others is to learn to respond more effectively to myself. I can learn to respond with love, caring, and respect for myself, even for those parts of me that experience fear, confusion, and anger.

Today’s Reminder

Today I’ll try to become more aware of alternatives that I haven’t yet recognized.

“. . . Al-Anon helped me to accept the fact that, although I have no control over other people’s reactions or thoughts, I can change the way I react.” ~ . . . In All Our Affairs

END OF QUOTE—————————————

Fear used to be the water I swam in — so constant I didn’t even know it had a name. It shaped everything: the way I spoke (or stayed silent), the way I moved through relationships, the way I tried to survive. I learned to shrink, to please, to disappear. It wasn’t a conscious decision — it was instinct. It was armor. It was all I knew.

Even now, in recovery, I sometimes catch myself slipping back into those old patterns — not because I’m failing, but because the body remembers. I still find myself going quiet when I’m afraid, even if I have something important to say. I freeze, I retreat, I abandon myself, not because I want to, but because I forget I have another choice.

That’s the difference recovery is teaching me — between reacting and responding. Reaction is old wiring. Response is healing.

And the path to response starts with awareness. It starts with pausing long enough to say, Oh. I’m scared right now. And then instead of pushing it away or letting it run the show, I bring it to prayer. I offer it to my Higher Power — not to be instantly fixed, but to be held.

I’ve always loved that phrase: “Courage is fear that has said its prayers.” It doesn’t mean the fear disappears. It means it no longer has the final word.

One of the most important things I’ve learned is that I cannot respond lovingly to others if I don’t first learn how to respond lovingly to myself. That includes the parts of me that still feel scared, confused, or angry. They’re not signs of failure — they’re signs of being human. And they’re worthy of compassion.

Today, I don’t have to control anyone else’s thoughts, feelings, or reactions. That’s not my job. My job is to become more aware of myself — and to gently, steadily, practice choosing love over fear.
Especially when it comes to the way I treat me.

Courage is armor
A blind man wears;
That calloused scar
Of outlived despairs;
Courage is Fear
That has said its prayers.

~ Karle Wilson Baker

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Endigar 928 ~ Step One

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on April 28, 2025 by endigar

Step One: “We admitted that we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable.”

1st Step Principle: We will find enduring strength only when we first admit complete defeat over our isolated, obsessive thinking and compulsive behavior. (Adapted from 12 Steps & 12 Traditions, top of page 22)

AA Extracted Value: Honesty

ACA Extracted Values: Powerlessness & Surrender

Other Extracted Values: Acceptance

There’s a strange kind of grace hidden in Step One. It doesn’t feel like grace at first — it feels like hitting the wall. Like losing. Like failure.

But somewhere beyond that first sting, there’s relief. There’s a softening.

For so long, I fought life on my own terms — isolated in my obsessive thoughts, driven by compulsions I couldn’t control, believing if I just tried harder, thought smarter, did better, I could fix it. I could fix me.

But Step One doesn’t ask me to fix anything. It invites me to admit the truth: I can’t.
I am powerless.
My life, left to my own devices, becomes unmanageable.

It’s easy to think of “powerlessness” as weakness, but in recovery, it’s something far more beautiful. It’s honesty. It’s finally telling the truth about my limitations, my fears, my illusions of control. It’s putting down the exhausting armor of pretending.

Admitting defeat feels shameful to the old parts of me that were raised to equate strength with independence. But real strength — enduring strength — comes when I surrender. When I let go of the desperate need to be in charge, to know the answers, to wrestle my pain into submission.

Surrender is not about giving up. It’s about opening up.

It’s about saying: I don’t have to do this alone. I was never meant to.

ACA teaches me that powerlessness and surrender are vital values — not things to fear, but things to lean into. They are the doors through which acceptance enters. And with acceptance comes a gentler, wiser way of living.

Today, I am willing to lay down the endless battle against myself and against reality.
Today, I am willing to be honest about where I am powerless.
Today, I surrender my isolated, obsessive thinking and compulsive behavior.
Today, I accept life as it is, not as I demand it to be.

And maybe — just maybe — in that surrender, I will find the strength I have been seeking all along.

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Endigar 927

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on April 27, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Jun 19:

When I’m troubled by another person’s behavior, a complicated situation, or a disappointing turn of events, Al-Anon reminds me that I don’t have to take it personally. I’m not a victim of everything that happens unless I choose to see myself that way. Though things don’t always go my way, I can accept what I cannot change, and change what I can.

Perhaps I can take a different view of my problems. If I accept them at face value without taking them personally, I may find that they are not problems at all, only things that have not gone as I would have liked. This change of attitude can help free me to evaluate the situation realistically and move forward constructively.

Today’s Reminder

Blaming my discomfort on outside events can be a way to avoid facing the real cause – my own attitudes. I can see myself as a victim, or I can accept what is happening in my life and take responsibility for my response. I may be guided to take action or to sit still, but when I listen to the guidance of my Higher Power I will no longer be the victim of my circumstances.

“God asks no man whether he will accept life. That is not the choice. You must take it. The only choice is how.” ~ Henry Ward Beecher

END OF QUOTE—————————————

My mind often wants to go to war with life. It’s as if, when something hurts, I instinctively look for someone or something to blame — God, the betrayal, my internal cognitive dissonance. Blame used to feel like protection. If it was an identifiable fault, maybe I could stay safe, or at least feel justified in my anger or withdrawal.

But recovery has been slowly, patiently teaching me another way: that my peace does not depend on the world behaving the way I want it to. My peace depends on the choices I make about how to see and respond to the world.

When I read, “I’m not a victim of everything that happens unless I choose to see myself that way,” I felt a quiet tap on my shoulder. How often do I still cling to a story of being wronged? How often do I use discomfort as proof that life has betrayed me, rather than seeing it as life simply being life — unpredictable, imperfect, alive?

Today I’m reminded that much of my pain is not caused by the events themselves, but by the way I wrap myself around them, the way I resist them or try to demand that they be different. I have always had acceptance issues.

There is so much freedom in learning to accept things at face value. To feel disappointment without turning it into resentment. To experience loss without turning it into a judgment against myself or others. To see an unmet desire not as a cosmic injustice, but simply as what is.

I think this is the heart of the matter: when I blame outside events, I’m usually avoiding a harder truth — that my real suffering comes from my own fearful, grasping, controlling attitudes. It’s humbling. And liberating. Because if the problem isn’t “out there,” then the solution doesn’t have to wait for anything to change. It’s already within me.

I’m learning — slowly, imperfectly — to listen to the quiet, steady voice of my Higher Power. Sometimes that voice says “Act.” Sometimes it says “Wait.” But it always says, “You are not a victim. You are loved. You are free.”

I don’t always hear it right away. But today, I’m willing to listen.

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Endigar 926 ~ The Hour Blessed

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on April 26, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Jun 18:

By the time we reach Al-Anon, many of us resent others whose lives appear less troubled, envying what we think they have. But in time we discover that each of us is special. I have a unique set of skills, interests, and opportunities. I’m assured that I have everything I need to do what I am here to do today. That doesn’t mean I have everything I want, but I can trust that my Higher Power has a better rasp of what’s good for me than I do.

To envy someone else because I want what I think they have is a waste of time. We are on different paths. They have what they need, I have what I need. Resentment will only put a wedge between me and another human being.

I am no one’s victim. I am where I belong. Envy is nothing more than a hostile form of self-pity. I will not succumb to it today. Instead, I will be grateful for the many gifts, talents, and opportunities I have been give. When I appreciate what I have instead of dwelling on what I lack, I feel good about my life. This allows me to be happy for another person’s abundance.

Today’s Reminder

Another person’s bounty reminds me that wonderful things can happen at any time to anybody. I will appreciate the many gifts I have been given.

“Whatever hour God has blessed you with, take it with grateful hand.” ~ Horace

END OF QUOTE—————————————

There are mornings when I wake up with a shadow already in my chest. Some echo of a comparison I never meant to make, lodged somewhere behind my ribs, whispering lies about what I lack. I catch it before it grows teeth. I have learned to do that—thanks to these rooms, these steps, this gentle army of survivors who remind me to stop measuring the worth of my journey against someone else’s map.

It’s so easy to resent what looks like ease in another’s life. To wish for their open doors, their settled smiles, their sense of belonging. But what I see is not the whole of it. And even if it were—what then? What am I really saying when I envy? That my life is not enough? That my path is wrong? That the God who walks with me made some kind of clerical error?

No. Not today.

Today I remember that I have been equipped. Not with what I want, always, but with what I need. Today’s breath. Today’s strength. Today’s lesson. The tools in my pocket might not look like anyone else’s, but they were forged for my hands alone. And I don’t need to prove that to anyone. Not even to myself.

Envy is a disguise. It cloaks my pain in righteousness, then asks me to bow to it. But I won’t worship at that altar. I am not powerless here. I can choose gratitude over grudge. I can admire someone’s light without cursing my shadow. I can remember: another person’s abundance is not my deprivation—it is proof that beauty is still being handed out.

May I meet this hour, the one blessed for me, with open hands. Not to take, but to receive.

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Endigar 925

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , on April 25, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Jun 17:

Al-Anon helps many of us to cope with crises that we simply could not have managed on our own. We learn to lean on a Power greater than ourselves, and through the faith and support that surround us, we discover that we can live and even grow through terrible difficult times. For most of us, the situation eventually alters, or we learn to find peace with it.
Some of us continue to worry. What if crises return? Al-Anon has helped before, but will it work for me if I need it again? What if some other misfortune comes to pass?
I cannot know what the future will bring. My best hope is every bit as likely to occur as my worst fear, so I have no reason to give more weight to my negative assumptions. All I can do is make the most of this day. Today I can choose to trust my recovery, the tools of the program, and my Higher Power, and to recognize how very far I have come.
Today’s Reminder
Today I will take a few minutes to acknowledge my growth. I am not perfect, but I certainly have made progress.
“. . . we may not recognize our progress right away, but the effects of working the Al-Anon program are profound and lasting.” ~ . . . In All Our Affairs

END OF QUOTE—————————————

I’ve walked through fires I once thought would consume me. Some were of my own making, others were handed to me by life, or lineage, or love. And somehow, I’m still here—still standing, still growing, still reaching toward light.

I felt a quiet truth settle in today: the ache I sometimes carry is not failure. It’s memory. It’s the body remembering how bad it once was and bracing itself for what might come again.

But the wisdom of recovery doesn’t demand I erase that fear. It just reminds me not to build my future around it.

I’ve seen my Higher Power show up in unlikely places—in the middle of crisis, in the calm of morning light, in the eyes of strangers and the pages of sacred texts. I’ve seen grace turn wreckage into soil. So why wouldn’t It do so again?

Today, I honor the fact that I’ve grown. I am not the man I was. And while I’m still becoming, I can rest in the assurance that I don’t face the next thing alone.

I have tools. I have Spirit. I have community.


And I have a track record of rising eight after falling seven.

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Endigar 924

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , on April 24, 2025 by endigar

Courage to Change of Jun 16:

In Al-Anon we talk a lot about the need to let others experience the consequences of their actions. We know that most alcoholics have to hit a “bottom” and become uncomfortable with their own behavior before they can effectively do something about it. Thos of us who love alcoholics often have to learn to get out of the way of this bottom. We learn to detach with love.

Another reason for detachment with love may be equally important in building healthy, loving, respectful relationships. Many of us have interfered not on with a love one’s problems but also with their achievements. I may have the best of intentions, but if I take over other people’s responsibilities, I may rob them of the chance to accomplish something and to feel good about what they’ve done. Although I am trying to help, my actions may be communicating a lack of respect for my loved ones’ abilities. When I detach with love, I offer support by freeing those I care about to experience both their own satisfactions and disappointments.

Today’s Reminder

I am learning the difference between help and interference. Today I will examine the way I offer support.

“Detachment did not mean disinterest… I considered detachment ‘respect for another’s personhood.’” ~ Al-Anon Faces Alcoholism

END OF QUOTE—————————————

Respectful detachment; which speaks less of stepping away and more of stepping aside—creating sacred space for the other to walk their path, however winding or painful it may be. In Al-Anon’s framing, detachment is not abandonment or apathy.

It is, in fact, a deeper form of love—one that honors the sovereignty of the other.

When I rush in to rescue, to soften the blow, or to finish the task, I might be protecting others from their pain—but also from their growth. It is humbling to recognize that even our help, when uninvited or habitual, can be a subtle form of control. This passage reminds me: We do not walk their path for them—we walk alongside, when welcome, and step back when needed.

The phrase, “respect for another’s personhood,” is especially moving. It redefines detachment not as coldness but as reverence. We don’t need to micromanage the divine unfolding of another’s life story. By letting go, we express faith—not only in them, but in the wisdom of life itself.

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Endigar 923 ~ Step Zero

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , on April 23, 2025 by endigar

Step Zero: I want to live and I ask for help to avoid a tragic end.

This is a radical declaration of both vulnerability and agency. “Step Zero” implies a prelude to transformation—before any formal step of healing or recovery begins, there must be the will to survive. It’s raw, honest, and elemental. There’s humility in asking for help, yet courage in the admission. It echoes the cry of someone poised on the edge, choosing life over oblivion.

It’s also a spiritual reset—a return to a primal human truth: the desire to live is sacred.

Associated Principle: Recovery of my truest Self cannot be given, it must be taken through the collective mind.

This speaks to personal empowerment through shared consciousness. The truest Self isn’t something that can be handed over by a savior or found in isolation. It must be taken—claimed—by the individual, but in the presence or context of others. The “collective mind” may refer to community, ancestral memory, shared trauma, or a larger spiritual ecosystem. It suggests that real healing isn’t solitary—it happens within the web of interbeing.

There’s also a challenge here: one must be active, not passive, in recovering the Self. No one else can do it for you.

Extracted Values: Positive Selfishness, Free Will, and Collective Awareness.

  • Positive Selfishness is reclaiming the right to prioritize your own well-being—not in a destructive or narcissistic way, but as an act of survival and dignity.
  • Free Will anchors the idea that choosing to live, choosing to heal, is a sovereign act. No one else gets to decide for you.
  • Collective Awareness reminds us that while healing is personal, it is never private. Our actions ripple outward. We are seen, felt, and mirrored by others.

—the Breath before the Word—

I want to live.
Not just exist,
not just endure.

I want to stand on the trembling edge
and say to the dark:
“Help Me.“
Not because I am weak—
but because I am choosing
not to disappear.

This is Step Zero.
The beginning beneath beginnings.
Where the soul, still smoldering,
dares to whisper
its own name.

The Self—my truest Self—
cannot be handed to me
like a medal, or a crown.

It must be taken.
Wrestled back
from the jaws of silence and forgetting.
Taken—not from others,
but with them.
Through the dreamwork of the collective mind.
The shared ache.
The silent nod across generations.

Only in this sacred tension—
between the I and the We—
do I remember who I’ve always been.

So, I practice
Positive Selfishness—
not to hoard, but to heal.

I invoke
Free Will—
as a spell against despair.

And I move
with Collective Awareness—
because my healing
is never mine alone.

And so—
before I take a step,
before I raise a hand,
I say:
I want to live.

And I let that truth
be holy.

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Endigar 922 ~ The Tongue Drawn Like a Sword

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , on April 23, 2025 by endigar

Courage to Change of Jun 15:

“Many have fallen by the edge of the sword, but more have fallen by the tongue.” This quotation calls attention to a weapon many of us have been known to use: sarcasm. The cutting remark, the snide innuendo, the scornful sneer.

If I could see myself uttering these verbal assaults, I would not be proud of the picture. So why do it? When I am angry or frustrated, I may get momentary satisfaction in scoring a hit, but does sarcasm get me what I truly desire? Will attacking someone else help to solve the problems between us? Is this really the way I wish to behave? Of course not.

Sometimes I feel helpless and angry. When that happens, I might try calling an Al-Anon friend or going to a meeting where I can get some perspective. I might write down every nasty word I want to say and then read it to my Sponsor. Sometimes it feels good to let it out. But I need to do it appropriately and not hurt others needlessly in doing so. Afterward, I’ll be better able to behave constructively and communicate in a way I can be proud of.

Today’s Reminder

Most of us carry more than our share of shame. I will not add to the problem by using cruel, clever words to humiliate a fellow human being. In doing so, I would be shaming myself.

“Everyone in an alcoholic situation deserves and needs extra loving care.” ~ Living with Sobriety

END OF QUOTE—————————————

There’s something seductive about the verbal kill — that flash of superiority, the illusion of power. Especially when I feel powerless inside. When anger has no safe container, when grief hasn’t been grieved, when fear stands at the door of my heart pretending to be courage. That’s when the tongue gets sharp.

And yet, every time I wield words to wound, I am the one who limps away bleeding. Because what I really wanted was connection — not conquest. What I really needed was to be heard, not to be feared. And sarcasm never bridges that gap. It widens it.

Maybe it would be good to learn to call someone. Write it down. Speak it aloud to a Sponsor who won’t flinch. Let the heat rise and cool. Only then am I able to say what’s genuinely true — not just what’s clever.

Humor isn’t my enemy. Neither is anger. They are both holy when held with care. But cruelty masquerading as wit? That’s just unprocessed pain taking the stage in disguise.

Today, I pray for the courage to lay down my sword — even the invisible one. To trade pride for presence. To speak with the kind of fire that warms, not burns. Because I know what it is to walk wounded in a world already full of blades.

Let my words be medicine. Let them be grace.

Lucien

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Endigar 921 ~ The Grace of Consequence

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , on April 22, 2025 by endigar

Courage to Change of Jun 14:

Slowly, as I began to recover, I realized what a wonderful gift the Al-Anon program was. It gave me an understanding of this disease, the tools to change my life, the courage to use them, and a place to talk about my secrets and to hear others share theirs. I wanted my family and friends to have all of these things as well.

The I read the Twelfth Step, about carrying the message to others, and began my missionary work. I dragged people to meetings. I preached what I’d learned to anyone who would listen – and even those who wouldn’t. Of course, I made a fool of myself and none of this worked.

Then I read the Twelfth Step again. This time I noticed the part about practicing these principles in all my affairs. Slowly I came to understand that in living these principles I would carry the message by example.

Today’s Reminder

It’s only natural to want tot share what works for me with those I love. But when I must  share it now, I may be more interested in changing others than in sharing my experience, strength, and hope. If I am insistent on carrying the message, I can work on improving the message my own example conveys.

“We ought not to insist on everyone following in our footsteps, nor to take upon ourselves to give instructions in spirituality when, perhaps, we don’t even know what it is.”

~Teresa of Avila

END OF QUOTE—————————————

There was a time I thought love meant rescue. That I could keep someone from the edge by standing at it myself. That my sobriety could absorb their chaos. That if I hurt just right, it would heal them.

But the Steps didn’t lead me there.

They led me to detachment. Not indifference — God, no. But love with boundaries. Respect with surrender. A kind of spiritual stepping back that feels like dying, until you realize it’s not them you’re losing — it’s the illusion of control.

I’ve had to let people walk into pain.
I’ve had to stop cushioning consequences.
I’ve had to stop rewriting the story God was trying to tell them.

Because the truth is:
I’m not the author of anyone else’s recovery.
I don’t get to fast-forward their learning curve.
I don’t get to stand between them and their moment of surrender.

It hurts to watch.
Sometimes it rips something open in me.
But today I trust that love can stand back, not just stand by.

I trust that consequences are sometimes grace in disguise.

I don’t do it perfectly. But I do it more than I used to.
And that, for today, is enough.

Lucien

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