The laughter provided me today was my daughter’s attempt to surprise me with a visit, securing herself in the darkness of my kitchen. It was a fun laughter mixed with deep gratitude for the moment.
Tonight, the auto-correct function transformed “Poe’s influence” that I was talk-to-text writing into “hoes in Florence.”
I laughed. As did God and Poe.
From Courage to Change of March 31;
Al-Anon is where many of us who have lived with alcoholism begin to grow up for the first time. We learn to face the world as it really is and to take responsibility for our actions. We deal with our feeling and share honestly about our experiences. We learn about ourselves and nurture our spiritual growth and our physical and mental well-being. We become responsible adults.
An important part of the serious business of recovery involves recognizing our need to have fun–to take a tri, fly a kite, attend a concert, make noise, race down the street, or blow bubbles. Light-heartedness cn put troublesome situations into perspective. It reminds us that there is more to life than the problem at hand.
Taking ourselves too seriously won’t solve a problem any quicker. In fact, taking a break may help more than continuing to struggle–even Jello must be left alone in order to form as it should. A good laugh may be the best tool available to help us let go, and we’ll come back to our task refreshed.
Today’s Reminder
A well-developed sense of humor helps me detach from my personal struggles and triumphs. I will avoid taking myself too seriously today.
“One inch of joy surmounts of grief a span, because to laugh is proper to the man” ~ François Rabelais
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This is one of those times when the provided reading is right on target and is something I needed to hear, but not something I wanted.
Life in America lends itself toward some intensely dark seriousness. At least it does for me. And giggling seems like irresponsibility and social abdication.
I suppose humor, gratitude and satisfaction are the product of being able to trust my Higher Power. I really want to have that embedded within. Right now, I will chose to trust and to remain open for God’s laughter to manifest.
From Courage to Change of March 30;
When I heard that Al-Anon was a program in which we learn to keep the focus on ourselves, I wondered what others would think of me if I acted on that principle? Surely they would think me inconsiderate, thoughtless, and uncaring. Those were my complaints about the alcoholics in my life! I didn’t want to be that way. Instead, I tried to do things for others that seemed loving and generous, even when I didn’t want to do them. I couldn’t understand why I so often grew resentful after such actions.
My efforts to be selfless by trying to please everyone but myself weren’t working. The focus was on their response rather than on what seemed right for me to do. There was nothing unconditional about this kind of giving. My Sponser helped me to see that if I paid more attention to myself and to doing what I thought was best, I would be free to give without strings attached. Then I could truly be generous.
Today’s Reminder
The Al-Anon program works when I keep the focus on myself, attend lots of Al-Anon meetings, and make recovery my top priority. As I become more fully myself, I am better able to treat others with love and respect.
“We are best able to help others when we ourselves have learned the way to achieve serenity.” ~ The Twelve Steps and Traditions
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There is a paradox of selfishness in the 12 Step programs of AA and Al-Anon. I was introduced to it by the statements “This is a selfish program, not for those who need it, but for those who want it,” followed by “selfishness – self-centeredness! This is the root of our troubles. We must be rid of this selfishness or it kills us. Active addiction is fueled by self-will run riot.” Only a paradoxical solution allows both to be true. This was the beginning of something I desperately needed in my life. If the English language was more specific, we would have two separate words to resolve this apparent contradiction of our perspective on selfishness. As far as I know, we do not.
The “bad” selfishness is isolating and resistant to accountability. It attempts to control the world around it, distrusting all that interferes with that agenda. It prevents those who suffer from getting help. It prevents those who care from being useful. It is deadly.
The “good” selfishness is the fall down seven get up eight resilience that causes an individual to overcome personal fear and leave the familiar behind for a potential solution. It is the desire to truly live even if that requires entering a room full of strangers who have what I want.
This good selfishness is more than self-care. It is a highly aggressive “hell yeah” to a fulfilling life. The fruit of this selfishness is inspiration and social utility. I become useful to others who want to live by tightly embracing the value of my own life. My example gives permission to others to do the same. My world becomes a better place when they do.
From Courage to Change of March 29;
It’s time I started being nicer to myself. The voices in my head that tell me I’m not good enough do not speak the truth; they merely reflect the damaged self-esteem that results from living with alcoholism. When I recognize that fact, I can tell them to be quiet! I will no longer listen!
Al-Anon recovery has given me gentler, loving thoughts. These remind me that I am lovable and I can learn to love myself. When I open my mind enough to hear that message, I can begin to hear all the other wonderful sounds of life, and the abusive thoughts vanish.
Today’s Reminder
Treating myself with kindness and respect helps me to challenge my own self-criticism. Today I will pay particular attention to any voice that speaks lovingly.
“We need to learn to live, to focus on something good or useful to our lives and let the rest of the world go about its business.” ~ How Can I Help My Children?
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I often hear a chorus of voices that fire off in my brain – that hate me and make no bones about it. I think this is one of the reasons why I get along with everyone. My most potent venom is directed inward.
My mother was an adult child of an alcoholic and that unresolved pain rippled to her children.
The demoralization of active addiction takes generations to overcome, and those of us who desire to extinguish the flames of a family curse have to break all the mirrors in the cranial cavern except for those that are invested, truly invested, in our well-being. The 12 Step program produces some of these empowering reflectors. I am grateful to have something to compete with that chorus of condemnation.
From Courage to Change of March 28;
What happens when I physically hold on tight to something? I turn my head away. I squeeze my eyes shut. My knuckles ache as my fists clench. Fingernails bite into my palms. I exhaust myself. I hurt!
On the other hand, when I trust God to give me what I need, I let go. I face forward. my hands are free for healthy, loving, and enjoyable activities. I find unexpected reserves of energy. My eyes open to see fresh opportunities, many of which have been there all along.
Before I complain about my suffering, I might do well to examine myself. I may be surprised by the amount of pain I can release by simply letting go.
Today’s Reminder
How much can God give me if I am not open to receive? When I hold onto a problem, a fear, or a resentment, I shut myself off to the help that is available to me. I will loosen my grip on something today. I will let go and let God.
“All I had to do was become the least bit willing to open my clutched fist a tiny, grudging bit and miracles happened. That’s God as I understand Him toady.” ~ As We Understood . . .
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What have I done with the gift of open hands? I petted the head of my fat and happy feline friend who displays her satisfaction with life by laying on her back in her roadkill pose. I have texted my children who live lives strong and free. I have those in my intimate sphere, to include my sponsor, that I touch base with as regularly as my sputtering discipline will allow. I do not milk my Higher Power like a cow when I am able to release my fearful demands. I honor the free will of those that surround me. I resist that sense of responsibility to hold my heart in a death grip of martyred control. I inhale and exhale with all the trusting faith that I find available in the rooms and in the faces of those who are also free to invest in others. I listen for the whispers of Lady Liberty, which is the Spirit of my Higher Power.
I imagine my addiction as a vine that wraps around a pole and uses its strength to climb, to intertwine with its surrounding and then to bare toxic fruit for myself and those I love.
The pole is a legitimate goal or pursuit. When it is embraced by the vine it is difficult to tell the two apart. The pole that my addiction finds greatest success in hijacking is my pursuit of happiness and satisfaction in the written word.
A little while back I discovered that Stephen King is a recovered alcoholic and addict. I read that there are writings such as “Christine” that he did not remember writing because it was a blur of chemical oblivion. His family and friends finally staged an intervention in the late 80’s.
My recovery applauded. My addiction looked at the work he did prior to his recovery. And then it whispered in my ear, “What about field testing that possibility? My recovery became the little boy with the Shining desperately repeating “Red Rum! Red Rum! Red Rum!” That message was only understood when I looked in the mirror.
“Murder all that you are.”
“Murder all that you love.”
“Murder all that could have been useful to others who struggle.”
So, I remove the vine and the pole and plant instead an oak sapling. It is slower but stronger. There can be no more quick and easy vines to tend. It is a long road and I cannot shy away from the pain in the journey. This is and always has been the beginning of my Sacred Grove.
Daily Reprieve 
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