Daily Reprieve

From Courage to Change of January 09;

How often I look outside myself for approval! The project at work is successful, but my good feelings depend on having that success acknowledged. The meal I fix at home is not as tasty when no one compliments the cook. I resent the favors I do for my children when they neglect to thank me.

We all need an occasional pat on the back. But when the applause of others becomes the reason for my behavior and necessary for me to feel satisfied, then I have given them power over me. People may forget to notice the terrific things that I’ve done or may not be comfortable praising me. I don’t have to take ti personally. Self-pity and resentment are not my only options. If I can learn to evaluate my own actions and behavior and to value my own judgement, then the approval of others will be enjoyable, but no longer essential to my serenity.

Today’s Reminder

Just for today, I will appreciate myself. I will not look to others for approval; I will provide it for myself. I’ll allow myself to recognize that I am doing the best I can. Today my best is good enough.

“Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart.” ~ Carl Jung

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A great deal of my anxiety comes from trying to manage the perspectives others have of me. At the height of my co-dependent anguish, I withdraw into whatever protective image I can muster to become what I believe will make others emotionally domesticated in my presence. I have heard the phrase, “what others think of me is none of my business.” I have never been able to get in line with such dismissal of a potential threat. This childhood indoctrination caused me to lose any real concept of my own identity. I struggle to find an “acceptable self-expression.” I was terribly sensitive to any criticism. I would meet any sign of uncontrollable emotion with wrath or withdrawal. There was no middle ground.

Separating my true core from this icon of impossible diplomacy has taken a surgeon greater than myself. The Steps have been, in a sense, a dating session with me. I have to find safe places to lure myself into the open so that I and Me can know each other. Sometimes the desire for self-sabotage swells within. Yet I resist.  This is a very difficult process. I am hoping to establish centers of trust in Al-Anon, stronger than those I have sought but never gained in the recovery rooms. Right now, I am just working on stopping myself from running away. Just for today, I will work on a consistent presence among my fellow survivors.

From Courage to Change of January 08;

I once emphatically told my family that their bickering was making our newly-sober loved one nervous and this might cause her to start drinking again. I was shocked when I was told, just as emphatically, “Well, let her!” I realized that I was still trying to make everything smooth and easy for the alcoholic, because I hadn’t accepted that I was just as powerless over alcoholism in sobriety as I had been during the active years.

It was then that I truly discovered ho beautifully letting go and letting God can work. When I flly understood how powerless I was over the situation, I was able to trust that the alcoholic has her own Higher Power and that, together, they can work out her future. I felt like a new person because I was free of the constant need to watch over her, free to live my own life.

I care about the alcoholic in my life more than I can say. I wish her health, happiness, and sobriety, but I cannot hand these things to her. She and her Higher Power are in charge of that. I can only love her, and when I stop to think about it, that is enough.

Today’s Reminder

Today I choose to place my trust in that Higher Power, knowing that all is well.

“If we supply the willingness, God supplies the power.” ~ The Al-Anon Family Groups–Classic Edition

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The first four decades of my life were spent trying to control people in my intimate sphere so that I could have a feeling of control over my own life. I thought my powers of manipulation had made me a master diplomat. I was never happy with this role. I never really achieved a feeling of freedom or control over my own life. My dubious skills have robbed me of being able to take anyone’s words at face value. I carry a pit of anxiety trying to read faces and forestall the release of rabid emotional interactions. This is the civil war ever raging in my psyche. I awake and renegotiate a cease fire, with some mornings being easier than others.

This is my next level of this ongoing process of recovery. I must expel the vision of seeing relationships around me as potential volcanoes that I must plug. I will need to take turn the power of Step work on my codependency with the same determination I have for my alcoholism. I need to know what my heart truly desires, not just the reactive impulses of escapism. I need to apply my trust in a Higher Power for beyond the remission of my addictive disease. I need to be able to separate legitimate guilt from deeply indoctrinated shame.  It is a process made possible in the recovery from my alcoholism.

From Courage to Change of January 07;

“Just for today I will have a quiet half hour all by myself and relax.” How simple that sounded until I tried to do it. I found it difficult to spend even a little time alone –  thirty quiet minutes out of my busy schedule were far too many! So I started with five minutes. In time I was able to find ten, and then twenty, and then thirty minutes for myself.

Amazingly, these quiet half hours are restoring me to sanity. It is through these times with myself, much of which is spent in prayer and meditation, that I find the peace and power of God.

As a result, I have learned to tolerate and even enjoy my own company, now, no matter what is going on, I need this half hour every day to get a perspective on my life. By sitting quietly in the midst of turmoil, I find that I an not alone. If I take the time, my Higher Power sends the message.

Today’s Reminder

I care enough about myself to take a quiet half hour to relax. But if a half hour is more that I can manage, I can let that be all right. Whatever time I give to myself will be a step forward. If I can stop the wheels from turning for even a few moments, my Higher Power can take charge and steer me in the right direction.

“Take rest; a field that has rested gives a beautiful crop.” ~ Ovid

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I have experienced many ways of approaching quiet time for myself. I think this is an individual path and very much part of one’s spiritual development. No one size fits all. If quiet time becomes a place of depression inducing rumination, that is, when it becomes a time that I dwell on repetitive negative thoughts, then I must find some way to brake that rumination with engaging activity. I can think of eight different paths I have taken to still my mind while staying away from rumination. I have quilted pieces of all these disciplines into something that generally works for me.

1. Meditation on Christian scripture, with memorization and paraphrase writing
2. Praying in the Spirit with writing of any inspiration, while I remain disengaged in thought
3. Practical Sufism – difficult for me, but I hope to get better on some of its disciplines
4. Visualized spirit travel to My secret place through study of Witchcraft
5. Trying to mimic the trans state achieved by Edgar Cayce through self hypnosis
6. Yoga and it subsequent resting point
7. Writing practice learned in Natalie Goldberg’s “Writing Down the Bones”
8. Taking a nap in the afterglow of sexual release.

My quiet time has improved, and my time spent doing it is a necessity for a clear head and the ability to retain serenity. I encourage you, fellow human, to explore and find what works to restore you.