Daily Reprieve

From the Daily Reflections of January 14;

We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 83)

Once I became sober, I began to see how wasteful my life had been and I experienced overwhelming guilt and feelings of regret. The program’s Fourth and Fifth Steps assisted me enormously in healing those troubling regrets. I learned that my selfcenteredness and dishonesty stemmed largely from my drinking and that I drank because I was an alcoholic. Now I see how even my most distasteful past experiences can turn to gold because, as a sober alcoholic, I can share them to help my fellow alcoholics, particularly newcomers. Sober for several years in A.A., I no longer regret the past; I am simply grateful to be conscious of God’s love and of the help I can give to others in the Fellowship.

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Recovery opened the door to a world without polarized thinking for me.  Polarized thinking is where all knowledge and experience is divided into “Good and Evil.”  The logical conclusion of this kind of thinking is that people are also defined as good or evil, and I develop an “us and them” approach to those around me.  It feeds my isolated selfishness, my disconnected self glorification.

Rather than seeing the world as Good and Evil, I am being taught to see it as an opportunity for a Useful Change in Perspective or Wasteful Embrace of Futility.  In this new paradigm, even my ugliest past can become something beautifully useful.  And rather than identify other’s in my life as “evil,” I search for a more useful idea and called them sick like me.  My approach to others is to seek ways to connect and be useful or helpful.

Though we did not like their symptoms and the way these disturbed us, they, like ourselves, were sick too. We asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend. When a person offended we said to ourselves, “This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done.  (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 67).

From the Daily Reflections of January 13;

We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition.  (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 85)

The most common alcoholic fantasy seems to be: “If I just don’t drink, everything will be all right.” Once the fog cleared for me, I saw — for the first time — the mess my life had become. I had family, work, financial and legal problems; I was hung up on old religious ideas; there were sides of my character to which I was inclined to stay blind because they easily could have convinced me that I was hopeless and pushed me toward escape again. The Big Book guided me in resolving all of my problems. But it didn’t happen overnight — and certainly not automatically — with no effort on my part. I need always to recognize God’s mercy and blessings that shine through any problem I have to face.

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I have difficulty with an absolute statement like, “The Big Book guided me in resolving all of my problems.”  It is the ALL and the past tense of the statement.  All problems resolved.  I suppose if you take a snapshot in time, list the problems that are current for that time and place, it might be plausible that you could resolve them once and for all.  Maybe.

My approach to problem solving, which includes chemical bombardments into the landscape of my psyche, is the primary change that the Big Book provides for me.  Life is full of problems that wax and wane over the course of my interaction with this mortal world.  If I work to create a problem-free life, I will be like the dog chasing his tale.  It is me that has to change.  I am my own worst problem as long as I wear a victim’s badge.  “They hurt me and I need to confront them with the truth.”  “If only I had enough income everything would be serene.”  “Once I am clear of the court’s microscope, I can begin to truly live free.”  The useful truth for me is that once I have changed, I can fearlessly embrace the truth about myself, can find serenity, and live freely, regardless of the list of external problems that arise.

From the Daily Reflections of January 12;

Our very first problem is to accept our present circumstances as they are, ourselves as we are, and the people about us as they are. This is to adopt a realistic humility without which no genuine advance can even begin. Again and again, we shall need to return to that unflattering point of departure. This is an exercise in acceptance that we can profitably practice every day of our lives.

Provided we strenuously avoid turning these realistic surveys of the facts of life into unrealistic alibis for apathy or defeatism, they can be the sure foundation upon which increased emotional health and therefore spiritual progress can be built.   (As Bill Sees It, page 44)

When I am having a difficult time accepting people, places or events, I turn to this passage and it relieves me of many an underlying fear regarding others, or situations life presents me. The thought allows me to be human and not perfect, and to regain my peace of mind.

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How do we know what our present circumstances truly are? Is that just a matter of perspective? It seems that there are facts that can be gathered, and a true appraisal taken. For me, it seems that my alcoholic brain finds it more natural to lie to itself than to immediately grasp the truth of a situation. I know that if I am going to see myself as I am, that is a process that I may need help with, and it will take work. How do you know when you have seen people as they are and have not bought into some story they wish to sell? If I cannot be truthful about myself to myself, then my view of others and my self-story to others will inadvertently be skewed toward the false that I believe.

It takes practice, I think.

DCLXVI

From the Daily Reflections of January 11;

Only Step One, where we made the 100 percent admission we were powerless over alcohol, can be practiced with absolute perfection.  (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 68)

Long before I was able to obtain sobriety in A.A., I knew without a doubt that alcohol was killing me, yet even with this knowledge, I was unable to stop drinking. So, when faced with Step One, I found it easy to admit that I lacked the power to not drink. But was my life unmanageable? Never! Five months after coming into A.A., I was drinking again and wondered why.

Later on, back in A.A. and smarting from my wounds, I learned that Step One is the only Step that can be taken 100%. And that the only way to take it 100% is to take 100% of the Step. That was many twenty-four hours ago and I haven’t had to take Step One again.

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To succeed at that which destroys my life and all that I love is no success at all.  My alcoholic life is one of steady debilitation and it cannot be managed. All my plans are designed for damage control and finding ways to endure the demands of steady intoxication. I can only seriously entertain ideas of empowerment and control during periods of abstinence. Once the liquor burns my gut, there is nothing to do but drink more to hide from this humiliating reality.

Outside my connection with Gomu (God of my understanding), I am powerless over alcohol which results in an unmanageable life.

Although I may begin with this knowing, let me not rest in this dark place. Don’t open my eyes and leave me here. If there is no solution, help me to return to the lie.

There is a solution, but it requires that I am completely aware of this reality of my life.

From the Daily Reflections of January 10;

We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery. The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed.  (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 30).

I came to Alcoholics Anonymous because I was no longer able to control my drinking. It was either my wife’s complaining about my drinking, or maybe the sheriff forced me to go to A.A. meetings, or perhaps I knew, deep down inside, that I couldn’t drink like others, but I was unwilling to admit it because the alternative terrified me. Alcoholics Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women united against a common, fatal disease. Each one of our lives is linked to every other, much like the survivors on a life raft at sea. If we all work together, we can get safely to shore.

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What does this delusion of being like other people look like?  Why would I, who value being unique, ever embrace the idea that I am one occurrence of human flesh out of many?  Why do I hide from the reality that my alcoholism makes me more vulnerable to certain self-deceptions than other citizens of the world have to endure?

The delusion to me, is like a cheat code in a computer game.  I observe how normal drinkers live. Inside I know that I am not one of them, but I live out a double life, my own “normal drinker” avatar that allows me to move about, hopefully undetected in the general population and working out a way to live life as both observer and controlled participate. If I am knocked out in the game, I recover enough to recreate myself and start over and over and over . . .until the plug is pulled on this fantasy, by intervention of will or consequence. The advantage of this game is that it is my alcoholic avatar that suffers. The reality is that I am in a self imposed mental vegetative state, a spiritual exile, and a coma of the heart.  The illusion is that there can be a double life at all.

The seduction of the double life and the self-deception is powerful.  It must be smashed to gain sanity and serenity.  This will take a group of real people in real life who understand this brand of insanity.

From the Daily Reflections of January 9;

It is truly awful to admit that, glass in hand, we have warped our minds into such an obsession for destructive drinking that only an act of Providence can remove it from us.  (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 21)

My act of Providence, (a manifestation of divine care and direction), came as I experienced the total bankruptcy of active alcoholism — everything meaningful in my life was gone. I telephoned Alcoholics Anonymous and, from that instant, my life has never been the same. When I reflect on that very special moment, I know that God was working in my life long before I was able to acknowledge and accept spiritual concepts. The glass was put down through this one act of Providence and my journey into sobriety began. My life continues to unfold with divine care and direction. Step One, in which I admitted I was powerless over alcohol, that my life had become unmanageable, takes on more meaning for me — one day at a time — in the life-saving, life-giving Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous.

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A miracle is irrelevant until it happens.  There is no planning for the intervention of God in my behalf.  I believe that is because, I have been taught to look for external events as the manifestation of God’s power.  I am looking for some magical bail out provided by GOMU (God of my understanding).

The only miracle that is relevant to me and my working of the Twelve Steps of AA is the transformation that takes place within Me.  In my connection with God and others, I make a telephone call when every fiber of my alcoholic being wants to disappear into oblivion.  I open up when the craving screams for me to lie and protect my secret sinkhole.  The small transformations that I experience and capitalize on day by day are the only acts of providence that are truly relevant to me.  It is a series of little resurrections that I cannot explain, but rely on greatly.