Daily Reprieve

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

. . . what comes to us alone may be garbled by our own rationalization and wishful thinking. The benefit of talking to another person is that we can get his direct comment and counsel on our situation. . . (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 60)

I cannot count the times when I have been angry and frustrated and said to myself, “I can’t see the forest for the trees!” I finally realized that what I needed when I was in such pain was someone who could guide me in separating the forest and the trees; who could suggest a better path to follow; who could assist me in putting out fires; and help me avoid the rocks and pitfalls.

I ask God, when I’m in the forest, to give me the courage to call upon a member of A.A.

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This powerfully resonates with me.  Finding someone who is committed to the greatest version of myself is often a process and takes courage to pursue.  Being that person takes courage as well.  We all get lost in the forest of fears from time to time.  I believe that it is a basic skill that is provided in this program.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

We must be entirely honest with somebody if we expect to live long or happily in this world.  (Alcoholics Anonymous, pages 73 – 74)

Honesty, like all virtues, is to be shared. It began after I shared “. . . [my] whole life’s story with someone . . .” in order to find my place in the Fellowship. Later I shared my life in order to help the newcomer find his place with us. This sharing helps me to learn honesty in all my dealings and to know that God’s plan for me comes true through honest openness and willingness.

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I have a real problem with this, because I have such a profound distrust of others.  I also have a profound distrust of myself.  This is something I need to take to my sponsor, and I think I may need to find a new sponsor.  I like the one I have now, but he is just so friendly and laissez faire and I am so likely to pull away.  For me, I have found that truth seems to come through confrontation.  If I intend to embrace some new idea or person, and you hold that concept or relationship to be sacred, avert your gaze and find a radioactive shelter.  I simply cannot overcome my internal doctrines of distrust without kicking in a door or two.  Once the blast radius has calmed, I am ready to work things out.  There has to be a better way.  It is hard to build connections with this sort of approach.

From Yesterday’s Daily Reflections;

Somehow, being alone with God doesn’t seem as embarrassing as facing up to another person. Until we actually sit down and talk aloud about what we have so long hidden, our willingness to clean house is still largely theoretical.  (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 60)

It wasn’t unusual for me to talk to God, and myself, about my character defects. But to sit down, face to face, and openly discuss these intimacies with another person was much more difficult. I recognized in the experience, however, a similar relief to the one I had experienced when I first admitted I was an alcoholic. I began to appreciate the spiritual significance of the program and that this Step was just an introduction to what was yet to come in the remaining seven Steps.

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I have done the fifth step several times.  I remember my sponsors yawning toward the end.  Their stories seemed so much more dramatic than mine.  I have never felt a sense of a weight being lifted from my shoulders.  I just had to drop the expectations I had of myself and the program and get busy doing the work.

And the work is not over, I am sure.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

Cling to the thought that, in God’s hands, the dark past is the greatest possession you have – the key to life and happiness for others. With it you can avert death and misery for them.  (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 124)

No longer is my past an autobiography; it is a reference book to be taken down, opened and shared. Today as I report for duty, the most wonderful picture comes through. For, though this day be dark – as some days must be – the stars will shine even brighter later. My witness that they do shine will be called for in the very near future. All my past will this day be a part of me, because it is the key, not the lock.

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This is new to me.  My past is no longer my personal possession.  When I entered this program and demand recovery, hungered for it, the possession of my past was transferred to the very program that prevented the tragic and logic end to that past.  It makes sense.  I had not considered it.  I am considering it now.  Oh Gomu (God of my understanding), help me incorporate this reality.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.  (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 55)

Since it is true that God comes to me through people, I can see that by keeping people at a distance I also keep God at a distance. God is nearer to me than I think and I can experience Him by loving people and allowing people to love me. But I can neither love nor be loved if I allow my secrets to get in the way.

It’s the side of myself that I refuse to look at that rules me. I must be willing to look at the dark side in order to heal my mind and heart because that is the road to freedom. I must walk into darkness to find the light and walk into fear to find peace.

By revealing my secrets – and thereby ridding myself of guilt – I can actually change my thinking; by altering my thinking, I can change myself. My thoughts create my future. What I will be tomorrow is determined by what I think today.

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Deception reinforces insanity.  Sanity is strengthened and fed by truth.  Double lives lead to fractured personalities and internal civil wars.  My connections with others must be taken off the deceptive transmission frequencies established in active alcoholism and adjusted to the clearest and most accurate truth about myself that I can uncover.  Connections based on the purest form of reality push me toward healing of heart and mind.

From Today’s Daily Reflections (for April 30th);

These legacies of suffering and of recovery are easily passed among alcoholics, one to the other. This is our gift from God, and its bestowal upon others like us is the one aim that today animates A.A.’s all around the globe.  (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 151)

The great paradox of A.A. is that I know I cannot keep the precious gift of sobriety unless I give it away.

My primary purpose is to stay sober. In A.A. I have no other goal, and the importance of this is a matter of life or death for me. If I veer from this purpose I lose. But A.A. is not only for me; it is for the alcoholic who still suffers. The legions of recovering alcoholics stay sober by sharing with fellow alcoholics. The way to my recovery is to show others in A.A. that when I share with them, we both grow in the grace of the Higher Power, and both of us are on the road to a happy destiny.

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I have grown to trust this kind of helping over all others.  I trust others to help me when their lives depend on it.  I am so glad to be free of the religious high horse that offers patronizing pity as its primary solace.  My help is not given to sell a religious icon.  It is motivated by unapologetic self-preservation.  That is real and honors the individual.