Archive for May 4, 2014

Endigar 402 ~ “Entirely Honest”

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on May 4, 2014 by endigar

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

We must be entirely honest with somebody if we expect to live long or happily in this world.  (Alcoholics Anonymous, pages 73 – 74)

Honesty, like all virtues, is to be shared. It began after I shared “. . . [my] whole life’s story with someone . . .” in order to find my place in the Fellowship. Later I shared my life in order to help the newcomer find his place with us. This sharing helps me to learn honesty in all my dealings and to know that God’s plan for me comes true through honest openness and willingness.

END OF QUOTE

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nuclear-bomb-explosion

I have a real problem with this, because I have such a profound distrust of others.  I also have a profound distrust of myself.  This is something I need to take to my sponsor, and I think I may need to find a new sponsor.  I like the one I have now, but he is just so friendly and laissez faire and I am so likely to pull away.  For me, I have found that truth seems to come through confrontation.  If I intend to embrace some new idea or person, and you hold that concept or relationship to be sacred, avert your gaze and find a radioactive shelter.  I simply cannot overcome my internal doctrines of distrust without kicking in a door or two.  Once the blast radius has calmed, I am ready to work things out.  There has to be a better way.  It is hard to build connections with this sort of approach.

 

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Endigar 401 ~ Cleaning House

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on May 4, 2014 by endigar

From Yesterday’s Daily Reflections;

Somehow, being alone with God doesn’t seem as embarrassing as facing up to another person. Until we actually sit down and talk aloud about what we have so long hidden, our willingness to clean house is still largely theoretical.  (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 60)

It wasn’t unusual for me to talk to God, and myself, about my character defects. But to sit down, face to face, and openly discuss these intimacies with another person was much more difficult. I recognized in the experience, however, a similar relief to the one I had experienced when I first admitted I was an alcoholic. I began to appreciate the spiritual significance of the program and that this Step was just an introduction to what was yet to come in the remaining seven Steps.

END OF QUOTE

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I have done the fifth step several times.  I remember my sponsors yawning toward the end.  Their stories seemed so much more dramatic than mine.  I have never felt a sense of a weight being lifted from my shoulders.  I just had to drop the expectations I had of myself and the program and get busy doing the work.

And the work is not over, I am sure.

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