Daily Reprieve

From Today’s Daily Reflection;

It is when we try to make our will conform with God’s that we begin to use it rightly.  To all of us, this was a most wonderful revelation.  Our whole trouble had been the misuse of willpower.  We had tried to bombard our problems with it instead of attempting to bring it into agreement with God’s intention for us.  To make this increasingly possible is the purpose of A.A.’s Twelve Steps, and Step Three opens the door.   (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 40)

All I have to do is look back at my past to see where my self-will has led me.  I just don’t know what’s best for me and I believe my Higher Power does, G.O.D., which I define as “Good Orderly Direction,” has never let me down, but I have let myself down quite often.  Using my self-will in a situation usually has the same result as forcing the wrong piece into a jigsaw puzzle – exhaustion and frustration.

Step Three opens the door to the rest of the program.  When I ask God for guidance I know that  whatever happens is the best possible situation, things are exactly as they are supposed to be, even if they aren’t what I what or expect.  God does do for me what I cannot do for myself, if I let Him.

END OF QUOTE

It is my understanding that the concept of God as being Good Orderly Direction was bridge of pragmatism in the fellowship to cross the abyss of mystical expectations and disappointments.  We gain this spiritual guide in our lives by having a sponsor, listening to the network, and filtering all with accumulated wisdom of the reference literature such as the Big Book or the 12 & 12.

I think it is important to see that self-will as discussed here is different from the will power needed to face each day.  For instance, the writers of the above reflection rightfully exercised will power by

1. Trying to make our will conform with God’s.

2. Bring it into agreement with God’s intention for us.

3.  Ask God for guidance

4.  Implied is that when I knows what God’s will, intention, and guidance is, one will myself to follow it.

5.  Also implied is I will myself to know God’s direction.

I make, I agree, I ask, I know, I follow.

The misuse of my willpower is

1.  Reflexive bombardment of my problems – an aggressively reactive life.

2. Living without knowing what is best for me as a product of spiritual isolation.

3. Forcing my isolated self-will into the grand scheme of the Infinite Universe.

The fruit of this misuse, this exercise in isolation of self-will, robs one of self-confidence as you let yourself down, experiencing a life of frustration and exhaustion.

The Open Door of Step 3 is found in the writer’s faith assertion that seeking guidance of the Higher Power assures me that whatever my current situation is, it is exactly as it is supposed to be and is the best possible situation for me, because I will my life to be entrusted to the Care of God as I understand Him/Her.

From Today’s Daily Reflection;

. . . we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt.  (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 62)

With the realization and acceptance that I had played a part in the way my life had turned out came a dramatic change in my outlook.  It was at this point that the A.A. program began to work for me.  In the past I had always blamed others, either God or other people, for my circumstances.  I never felt that I had a choice in altering my life.  My decisions had been based on fear, pride, or ego.  As a result, those decisions led me down a path of self-destruction.  Today I try to allow my God to guide me on the road to sanity.  I am responsible for my action – or inaction – whatever the consequences may be.

END OF QUOTE

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The word SELF is a true bundle word in English, holding so many different denotations and connotations.  This is problematic for those of us who have a broken guilt-a-meter and deal with rabid shame roaming through our psyche.  I feel guilty for everything on some level, and yet feel no remorse for that which maybe I should.  When the above says that in the past I had always blamed others, either God or other people, I can only partially relate.  When I came to 12 step recovery, I blamed God and myself.  I despised my own weaknesses and what I allowed to happen in my life.  There were very few people in my internal courtroom that were as guilty as I.

I believe that was because my Mother was an adult child of an alcoholic father who drank himself to a tragic death when she was 17.  Her parenting was filled with fear that she would be abandoned.  She would often tell me how much I looked like him.  I had an image of love and support that I had to fulfill and hated myself when I could not meet that standard.  Of course, how I responded to that was my side of the street.  As I became an adult, it was my fault that I continued to get lost in that image.  I did not need A.A. to show me that. I just needed them to help me release god-like responsibility for others and quit being afraid of changing.  It is all right to let the image die.

My SELF preservation was a good thing when it led me into recovery.  The program helps me to chisel away at images I created in my life that led me to become a God for other people in their sickness.  It provided a safe place where I could find the true SELF, my unique individuality that can truly be responsible.  God created the true SELF.  The fearful self protection created the false SELF.

The internal laundry list of ideals and desires I have created to protect my pinnacle of isolation is the SELF that must fall away if I am to recover, so that I can follow the mantra “to thine own self be true.”  This is how I resolve the paradox I hear when someone says, accurately I believe, that this is a selfish program and yet we must be rid of selfishness.

” Today I try to allow my God to guide me on the road to sanity.”

From Today’s Daily Reflection:

Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understand Him. (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 34)

No matter how much one wishes to try, exactly how can one turn his own will and his own life over to the care of whatever God he thinks there is?  In my search for the answer to this question, I became aware of the wisdom with which it was written: that this is a two-part Step.

I could see many times where I should have died, or at least been injured, during my previous style of living, and it never happened.  Someone, or something, was looking after me.  I choose to believe my life has always been in God’s care.  He alone controls the number of days I will be granted until physical death.

The matter of will (self-will or God’s will) is the more difficult art of the Step for me.  It is only when I have experienced enough emotional pain, through failed attempts to fix myself, that I become willing to surrender to God’s will for my life.  Surrender is like the calm after the storm.  When my will is in line with God’s will for me, there is peace within.

END OF QUOTE

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When I think about the 3rd Step, there are two phrases that stand out to me and they are “OUR will and OUR lives” and the other is “to the CARE of God.”  The Step could have been written in this manner;

I made a decision to turn my will and life over to God as I understand Him.  It would have been an impossible step for me to take if it had been.

My isolated and isolating self-will is detrimental to my life and welfare, and is of no value to my God or my fellows. The recovered self-will is a product of connection with others and my Higher Power.  It is our will and our life because we are in this together.  I cannot do this on my own, and as time goes on, I discover that I drank because I never really wanted to do this or anything in isolation.  Isolation is different from privacy and meditative solitude.

The second phrase says that we are choosing to turn our will and lives over to the CARE of God.  We are choosing to trust in a loving God.  We are not surrendering to the JUDGEMENT of God.  We are not surrendering to the PERFECTIONISM of God.  We are not surrendering to the TRAUMATIC FEAR of God.  We are surrendering to the LOVE of God and letting the miraculous success of our lives demonstrate that there is something or someone out there greater than us, who loves and cares about us.  It is to that entity or force that we surrender.

Within this context, I surrender to and trust the God of my understanding.

From Today’s Daily Reflections:

Every man and woman who has joined A.A. and intends to stick has, without realizing it, made a beginning on Step Three.  Isn’t it true that in all matters touching upon alcohol, each of them has decided to turn his or her life over to the care, protection, and guidance of Alcoholics Anonymous? . . . Any willing newcomer feels sure A.A. is the only safe harbor for the foundering vessel he has become.  Now if this is not turning one’s will and life over to a newfound Providence, then what is it? (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 35).

Submission to God was the first step to my recovery.  I believe our Fellowship seeks a spirituality open to a new kinship with God.  As I exert myself to follow the path of the Steps, I sense a freedom that gives me the ability to think for myself.  My addiction confined me without any release and hindered my ability to be released from my self-confinement, but A.A. assures me of a way to go forward.  Mutual sharing, concern and caring for others is our natural gift to each other and mine is strengthened as my attitude toward God changes.  I learn to submit to God’s will in my life, to have self-respect and to keep both of these attitudes by giving away what I receive.

END QUOTE OF DAILY REFLECTIONS

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I looked up some useful definitions of the word SUBMIT.

– to give (a document, proposal, piece of writing, etc.) to someone so that it can be considered or approved.

– to stop trying to fight or resist something : to agree to do or accept something that you have been resisting or opposing.

– to defer to or consent to abide by the opinion or authority of another.

To give to Someone.  To stop trying to fight and resist Something.  To defer to or consent to Another.

Someone, Something, Another…A Higher Power.

Step Three carries an implied expectation of Magical Manifestation.  It asks you to believe in the magic of the recovery process.  It asks you to believe in the magic of connecting with others.  It asks you to believe in the magic of your own existence.  Ultimately, it asks you to believe in the magic of an Infinite Someone, Something, that is Another Being and it is not the finite you, but loves you more than you are able to love yourself.

In the beginning we flee the hell of addiction.  We find relief in the purgatory of abstinence.  If we can overcome our distrust and isolated self-will, we find the spiritual awakening of Sobriety.  Once we have connected to this spiritual experience of the ultimate Union, we will never be deceived by the evangelists  of addiction’s hellfire again.  I have abstinence and have glimpsed sobriety.  I hope and trust that the paradox expressed at the end of the Daily Reflection is the key to a permanent transformation; ” giving away what I receive.”  I can gain freedom through submission and keep it by giving it away.