Daily Reprieve

1:43 AM – 69%

2:15 AM – 70.4%

2:32 AM – 71.8%

2:53 AM – 73.2%

3:20 AM – 74.6%

3:49 AM – 76%

It is 12:53 am and I am at 66.2%.

The meeting tonight was reading from the 12 x 12 on the 11th step.  This is probably the only step I feel comfortable with.  It was mostly people telling that prayer and meditation works.  I have nothing significant that I remember except that I went there in a wad of anxiety and frustration and walked out feeling it is ok, everything is going to be alright.  I guess that is apart of the magic of this process.

It is 10:40 pm and I am now at 64.8%.

In the meeting tonight, the realization that I carried away was that the recovery group is unique because it is policed by the disease itself.  We don’t need a government, a leader, rules, dues, or punishments.  If I do not work the steps, if I hurt others, if I refuse to enlarge my spiritual environment – the disease will find me and kick my ass.  And I trust the other alcoholics and addicts because the disease will kick their ass as well.  It is reasonable to call individuals on their bullshit, but it is not necessary to institute religious bodies designed to control behavior.  I am therefore thankful that I have this disease.

I am going to stay around for a while.  I am finally getting restarted on my 4th step.

I was at 46.4% complete on column 4 of my resentments in Endigar 216.  I will pick-up from there.

It is 6:49am and I am now at 47.8%.

7:07am and 49.3%

7:35am and 50.7%

I stopped and went to an 8am meeting, The Buster Group, named for the Irish Pub that allowed AA to have a meeting there.  They torn down Buster’s Irish Pub, but the AA group that bares that name continues own…in another bar called Attitudes.  I love this meeting.  I am comfortable there.  The topic was on all or nothing thinking.  Some of the things that stayed with me are the following:

“When I get caught up in all or nothing thinking, I have more nothing than all.  I get overwhelmed with life and just give up.”

“When I first came into these rooms, I was a  rope pusher and a cat herder.  I wanted to fix everything.  I had to learn how to take it easy.”

For me, I know that I have to be devoted to the work, the process involved in my spiritual development.  But I surrender the results of that activity to a power greater than myself, with supreme confidence that the Higher Power is truly interested in seeing me unfold and become the contribution to the stream of life that I was meant to be.  Now back to work.

9:59 am and 52.2%.

10:20 am and I just added another resentment, worked the first 3 colums on it, and now I am at 51.4%.

10:30 am and I added yet another resentment, worked the first 3 colums on it, and now I am at 50.7%

10:40 am and 52%.  I am finished with the third of my three major resentments – religion.

11:25 am and 53.5%.

5:37 PM – 54.9%

5:52 PM – 56.3%

6:10 PM – 57.7%

6:22 PM – 59.2%

6:36 PM – 60.6%

6:45 PM – 62%

6:55 PM – 63.4%

I managed to secure my first DUI, my first ever night in jail this last weekend.  I don’t even know what to say anymore.  When I was reflecting over the nature of my disease, desperately trying to come to some kind of understanding about the terms of my life, wrestling with this HP that eludes my comprehension – this came to me:

Reality Mileposts / That which enhances your understanding of reality and life’s terms

I am seriously considering a withdrawal from the Internet.  I need to start over.  I complicate my life to the point of pure frustration.  A psychic change?  A spiritual experience?  The re-creation of my life.

If there is anything you find of value on this site, go ahead and grab it.  I am not sure when I will shut down. 

By the way, this isn’t a surrender to the disease.  I guess.  I have no intention of surrendering to alcohol.  I will do the things in recovery I know to do.  I just need some simplicity.  I complicate everything, and it doesn’t work.  I think that I am in Phase 3, moving into Phase 4.  This has to stop.