Daily Reprieve

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

Showing others who suffer how we were given help is the very thing which makes life seem so worth while to us now. . . . the dark past is . . . the key to life and happiness for others.   (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 124)

Since I have been sober, I have been healed of many pains: deceiving my partner, deserting my best friend, and spoiling my mother’s hopes for my life. In each case someone in the program told me of a similar problem, and I was able to share what happened to me. When my story was told, both of us got up with lighter hearts.

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I am exiled.  I am a disappointment.  I am a fake.  I am pathetic.  I am not understood.  My morbid self reflection was a crushing burden.

Yes you were, but so what.  So were we.  We took action and let the grungy past become events rather than a lifestyle.  We are a Fellowship.  We care.  We are genuine.  We are courageous.  Let it go and live.  We did, so can you.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

When World War II broke out, our A.A. dependence on a Higher Power had its first major test.   A.A.’s entered the services and were scattered all over the world.  Would they be able to take the discipline, stand up under fire, and endure . . . ?   (As Bill Sees It, page 200)

I will center my thoughts on a Higher Power. I will surrender all to this power within me. I will become a soldier for this power, feeling the might of the spiritual army as it exists in my life today. I will allow a wave of spiritual union to connect me through my gratitude, obedience and discipline to this Higher Power. Let me allow this power to lead me through the orders of the day. May the steps I take today strengthen my words and deeds, may I know that the message I carry is mine to share, given freely by this power greater than myself.

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When I entered the military, I hoped that it would transform me into a disciplined and effectively masculine individual.  All the bad-ass in the Universe would reside in my heart.  The icon of military service contains some of the highest standards of human behavior, but when animal flesh meets idealistic fantasy, a hybrid creature is formed.  A recovered alcoholic is familiar with this reality.  Too much “I” and not enough “We” will lead me to morbid self loathing.  The cleanest room in the house is maintained by the dead man, because there is no messy interference of life to disrupt his established order.  Our greatest disciplines are designed to protect our connections with each other and Gomu (God of my understanding).

Still, I imagine any group would benefit from a military sense of responsibility.  I cherish the ideals I learned in serving my country.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

Though they knew they must help other alcoholics if they would remain sober, that motive became secondary. It was transcended by the happiness they found in giving themselves for others.  (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 159)

Those words, for me, refer to a transference of power, through which God, as I understand Him, enters my life. Through prayer and meditation, I open channels, then I establish and improve my conscious contact with God. Through action I then receive the power I need to maintain my sobriety each day. By maintaining my spiritual condition, by giving away what has been so freely given to me, I am granted a daily reprieve.

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For me, the way to understanding this statement out of the Big Book on page 159 is that it says “. . . the happiness THEY found in giving THEMSELVES for others.”  It is not referring to the happiness he or she or I find as individuals.  It has taken time to be all right with myself and to build a sustaining spiritual connection to my Higher Power.  This faltering appreciation of my own existence can be shorn up by the Fellowship and its focus on helping others.   Let this circle represent what we can do together . . .

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will.  (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 63)

Many times in my alcoholic state, I drank to establish a bond between myself and others, but I succeeded only in establishing the bondage of alcoholic loneliness. Through the A.A. way of life, I have received the gift of bonding—with those who were there before me, with those who are there now, and with those yet to come. For this gracious gift from God, I am forever grateful.

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I am grateful to be able to see the nature of my bondage to isolated self.  I fearfully sought perfection rather than progress.  AA showed me that I had that backwards.  I planned all interactions so that I could protect my prideful icon of strength.  Now I can experience the strength of real connections once I began to learn vulnerability with people who have my best interest at heart.

There was a scripture that I never really experienced in church, but that I often hungered to know the truth of it.  The 12 steps of AA have given me access to this long sought after serenity.

So, I hope that you will pardon my paraphrase:

Come unto GOMU (God of my understanding), whenever you are laboring for perfection and are heavy laden with the burden of your isolated self, and I will give you rest and recovery.  Make My work of love your own, and watch Me closely to see my powerful way of living.  Watch how the Infinite One sits with those in need, not demanding, but with humility shares life with them.  This will help you keep the serenity I give you, because My work is natural and the burden it produces in your life is simple and light.

Paraphrased from the Gospel of Matthew 11: 28-30.

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

It may be possible to find explanations of spiritual experiences such as ours, but I have often tried to explain my own and have succeeded only in giving the story of it.  I know the feeling it gave me and the results it has brought, but I realize I may never fully understand its deeper why and how.   (As Bill Sees It, page 313)

I had a profound spiritual experience during an open A.A. meeting, which led me to blurt out, “I’m an alcoholic!” I have not had a drink since that day. I can tell you the words I heard just prior to my admission, and how those words affected me, but as to why it happened, I do not know. I believe a power greater than myself chose me to recover, yet I do not know why. I try not to worry or wonder about what I do not yet know; instead, I trust that if I continue to work the Steps, practice the A.A. principles in my life, and share my story, I will be guided lovingly toward a deep and mature spirituality in which more will be revealed to me. For the time being, it is a gift for me to trust God, work the Steps and help others.

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I have had five spiritual ecstasies and nine profound spiritual experiences that I can remember at this writing.  One of those experiences related to AA and I am sure there are probably more God moments I could verify if I had an eidetic memory.  None of them were drug induced that I am aware of.  There is the possibility that alcohol continued to have physiological impacts even after I had stopped drinking.  I believe these gifts belong to a group like a vaccination, with the individual being the hypodermic needle.  If you have a burning bush experience, then I believe you have a responsibility to transfer it out of yourself and into the collective consciousness.  In other words, it comes with a responsibility.  Bill Wilson’s spiritual experience belonged to AA and not to Bill.  He benefited in his instant deliverance from alcoholic enslavement, but that was so that the gift deposited within him would one day manifest to us.

(CREDIT FOR THE ARTWORK:  http://xxeclipse-thxx.deviantart.com/art/Syringe-157462572)

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

Can we bring the same spirit of love and tolerance into our sometimes deranged family lives that we bring to our A.A. group?   (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, pages 111-112)

My family members suffer from the effects of my disease.  Loving and accepting them as they are just as I love and accept A.A. members—fosters a return of love, tolerance and harmony to my life. Using common courtesy and respecting others’ personal boundaries are necessary practices for all areas of my life.

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I have entered the social laboratory of A.A. looking to develop in me a successful design for living based on the guidance of Gomu, the principles of the program, and the interaction with the fellowship.  I identify powerful events in the rooms and reproduce them in my intimate environment.  We are spiritual scientists of self-transformative power.

From Yesterday’s Daily Reflections;

When we developed still more, we discovered the best possible source of emotional stability to be God Himself. We found that dependence upon His perfect justice, forgiveness, and love was healthy, and that it would work where nothing else would. If we really depended upon God, we couldn’t very well play God to our fellows nor would we feel the urge wholly to rely on human protection and care.  (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 116)

All my life I depended on people for my emotional needs and security, but today I cannot live that way anymore. By the grace of God, I have admitted my powerlessness over people, places and things. I had been a real “people addict”; wherever I went there had to be someone who would pay some kind of attention to me. It was the kind of attitude that could only get worse, because the more I depended on others and demanded attention, the less I received.

I have given up believing that any human power can relieve me of that empty feeling. Although I remain a fragile human being who needs to work A.A.’s Steps to keep this particular principle before my personality, it is only a loving God who can give me inner peace and emotional stability.

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Gomu (God of my understanding) is the God of the Result, the God of the Big Picture.  I am the embryonic God of Task Performance, being trained to turn courage into action, discarding guilt for serenity.  I cannot be a child of the Infinite Father and not have the divine flowing through my veins.  I am not a fully developed deity and will not pretend to be one by demanding control over the results of living life.  The reality of being a godling exists only in my connection to the One that loves me.  In disconnected isolation I am a needy stillborn parasite moving from one hapless host to the next.  It seems to me that all this is the design of Gomu. Today, I accept that.

From Daily Reflections of 21 August;

My stability came out of trying to give, not out of demanding that I receive.  (The Best of Bill, page 46-47)

As long as I try, with all my heart and soul, to pass along to others what has been passed along to me, and do not demand anything in return, life is good to me. Before entering this program of Alcoholics Anonymous I was never able to give without demanding something in return. Little did I know that, once I began to give freely of myself, I would begin to receive, without ever expecting or demanding anything at all. What I receive today is the gift of “stability,” as Bill did: stability in my A.A. program; within myself; but most of all, in my relationship with my Higher Power, whom I choose to call God.

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If Bill Wilson had not been thinking about his own self interests when he went on that business trip to Akron, a critical moment in A.A.’s history would not have occurred.  When he felt his own sobriety threatened after the failed business venture and available bar room, he was filled with a powerful sense of self-preservation and this motivated him to find someone to help.  It was then that he met Dr. Bob.  The martyr’s religion, which teaches to give to the point of self-death, had failed to keep Dr. Bob sober.  It was the paradoxical mystery of selfishly helping others that Bill shared with Bob saving them both from alcoholic tragedy, and laying the foundation for A.A. meetings that have saved my life.

When we talk about giving in recovery, we are not talking about playing a martyred messiah.  So come down from the cross, we need the wood to build our meeting place.

“This is the how and why of it. First of all, we had to quit playing God.” (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 62)

From Daily Reflections for 20 Aug;

Since defective relations with other human beings have nearly always been the immediate cause of our woes, including our alcoholism, no field of investigation could yield more satisfying and valuable rewards than this one.   (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 80)

Willingness is a peculiar thing for me in that, over a period of time, it seems to come, first with awareness, but then with a feeling of discomfort, making me want to take some action. As I reflected on taking the Eighth Step, my willingness to make amends to others came as a desire for forgiveness, of others and myself. I felt forgiveness toward others after I became aware of my part in the difficulties of relationships. I wanted to feel the peace and serenity described in the Promises. From working the first seven Steps, I became aware of whom I had harmed and that I had been my own worst enemy. In order to restore my relationships with my fellow human beings, I knew I would have to change. I wanted to learn to live in harmony with myself and others so that I could also live in emotional freedom. The beginning of the end to my isolation—from my fellows and from God—came when I wrote my Eighth Step list.

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The writing of my eighth step list is a field of investigation with great rewards.  It is the beginning of the end to my isolation from my fellows and God.  Its effectiveness is rooted in awareness that produces a hunger for personal change.  This process is uncomfortable, but it can render serenity where once there was guilt.   I will do what it takes to connect.

From http://silkworth.net/aa/promises.html

From Yesterday’s Reflections (Sorry, I got the 18th and 19th twisted) ;

Very deep, sometimes quite forgotten, damaging emotional conflicts persist below the level of consciousness.  (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 79-80)

Only through positive action can I remove the remains of guilt and shame brought on by alcohol. Throughout my misadventures when I drank, my friends would say, “Why are you doing this? You’re only hurting yourself.” Little did I know how true were those words. Although I harmed others, some of my behavior caused grave wounds to my soul. Step Eight provides me with a way of forgiving myself. I alleviate much of the hidden damage when I make my list of those I have hurt. In making amends, I free myself of burdens, thus contributing to my healing.

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I understand this contribution to say that it is helpful to remove the baggage of guilt and shame to get at deep rooted, possibly subconscious pain.  This seems to imply that the amends process can be a lay the groundwork for deeper healing.  It may also require professional assistance after the guts of the 12 recovery program have had a chance to dig away the rubble of alcoholic consequences.