Daily Reprieve

Courage to Change of Jun 3:

In order to keep family and friends from interfering with their drinking, alcoholics sometimes create diversions by accusing or provoking. At such a time, we who have been affected by someone else’s drinking tend to react, to argue, and to defend ourselves. As a result, nobody has to look at the alcoholism, for we are too busy focusing on the particular point being argued — any topic will do. And unfortunately, what we defend against we make real.

When we take Step One, we admit that we are powerless over this disease. We do not have the strength necessary to fight it. Defending ourselves by engaging in arguments with actively drinking or otherwise irrational people is as fruitless as donning armor to protect ourselves from a nuclear explosion. Only a Power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity.

Today’s Reminder

I am responsible for taking the actions necessary to keep myself safe. But when my safety is not at risk, I can take time to make choices about my responses. I don’t have to react instantly to provocation, and I am not obligated to justify myself to anyone. By turning to my Higher Power for protection, rather than my wits or my will, I avail myself of the best possible defense.

“Once we learned to see our situation as it really was, we understood why it was necessary for us to turn to a Power greater than ourselves.”

~ Al-Anon’s Twelve Steps & Twelve Traditions

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I found in my own life that spiritual proclamations with no meat hooks are worthless. The saying to “Let Go, and Let God,” means nothing if it isn’t offered in a room with 12 Steps hanging on the wall. If you cannot find a way to digest a spiritual assertion into a pragmatic expression, discard it. Spirituality without boots on the ground is recreational religion.

Also, the notion that my wits and will are mutually exclusive in seeking connection with God is not helpful. The will of the aversive control I experience from alcohol, directly or indirectly, is the enslaving impulse in my life. It was active in me to enforce the negative contract I had with addiction and its intimate agents. I have found that to overcome that aversive control, I need distance, detachment, and some time to work on myself, so that I can establish a system of counter-control in my own life. I have discovered that it is important for me to know myself, to learn to better process my emotions, and to build my personal freedom by increasing the gap between stimulus and response. Connecting with the Higher Power gives me an archetype to emulate, because there is no one more professional at “loving detachment” than the God of my understanding.

Finally, it was important for me to see the iron clad link between sanity and honesty. The eyes of a sane man can see things as they are. The clearer that vision was in my life, the greater the possibility of having some sanity in my head and in my home. That is why the first principle in the program is a commitment to truthful appraisal of the dysfunction of my world, and the unmanageability of my mind in isolation.

Be prospered as you transform into the highest version of Yourself.

Courage to Change of Jun 2:

One gift of being a longtime Al-Anon member is that I have accumulated a large supply of healthy, positive experiences which remind me that my Higher Power is worthy of my trust. Although I have faced many challenges and difficulties over the years, my Higher Power has never let me down. This hasn’t prevented me from having problems; if that had been the case, I would have missed out on life-changing lessons I might not have learned any other way. Instead, I was given challenges and opportunities – but never more that I could handle. Even when I feared that my circumstances were too much for me, help, guidance, and comfort were always there.

Today when I encounter a crisis, I have no need to fear. My own experience teaches me that I can rely on a Power greater than myself to help me through whatever happens. At first, I had to “act as if” I believed that I’d be cared for. But each time I took this risk, I observed the results. Again and again, my Higher Power stepped in to help. I have never once regretted my decision to trust.

Today’s Reminder

Each day is an opportunity to build a supply of positive experiences. Today I will take note of what happens when I trust my Higher Power.

“By far the best proof is experience.”

~ Francis Bacon

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Francis Bacon and the English monarch of the time, King James I, both were pedophiles by today’s standards. Bacon is considered the Father of Empiricism and the Bible project under the reign of his King created a source authority for the Christian Protestant religions, the King James Bible. There is some pretty significant evidence that both of these men used young boys for sexual satisfaction. When Bacon was 45, he took a 13-year-old bride, Alice Barnham. So, the quoted assertion that the best proof is experience takes a bit of a twisted turn in my own mind. These fathers of science and religion had achieved what Joe Rogan calls “escape velocity” in any attempts to hold them accountable at the time. There is also the distinct possibility that there is some character assassination that has integrated itself into the historical record. But when I see the quote by Francis Bacon, my mind causes it to transform:

“My consuming lust was to experience their bodies.”

~ Jeffery Dahmer

I have experiences with seeking the Higher Power that honors the big picture of reality and sometimes disregards the significance of the individual, such as the death of my infant son in Augsburg Germany, the post-marital apocalypse of divorce for words that I wrote in a journal, the death of my stepson, the robbing of my own childhood development, and the witch hunt betrayal of church leaders. I have acceptance issues.

Out of these horrendous events in my life, I have seen “lost child” introspection develop into writing skill and depth of thought. I have experienced a heart of empathy for those that suffer but fight to live. I have seen the chaos storm of “life’s terms” free me from social constraints allowing me to become open to something more useful than scientific nihilism and religious dogma. I have found the God of my own understanding only after surrendering to alcoholic isolation to weather the big picture of God’s will.

I have experienced something genuine in the spiritual pursuit encouraged in the recovery rooms of the 12 Step program. Something out there does seem to give damn about us. But I have a healthy respect for the cruelty of the big picture psychopathy of my Higher Power. I have been in the military and know that the mission outweighs the significance of individuals on the battlefield. The only path of sanity in such circumstances is acceptance of big picture cruelty as one of life’s terms. When such a time comes, we most hold on to one another and be better than our God to each other. Later we may understand. And I will continue to seek conscious contact, because, for the most part, it works in making me a better person.

“Tyger, Tyger, burning bright, in the forests of the night, …Did he who made the Lamb make thee?”

~ William Blake from The Tyger

From Courage to Change of Jun 01:

A longtime member says, “An expectation is a premeditated resentment.” I take this statement to suggest that when I have a resentment I can look to my expectations for a probable source.

Here’s an example: I have a brother who is less attentive to being prompt than I am. When I make a plan with him that involves meeting at a certain time, I am cooperating in establishing conditions that encourage me to nurse a resentment. On the other hand, when I make a plan with my brother that is based on no expectation of promptness, I feel no resentment.

Today’s Reminder

I have the right to choose my own standards of conduct, but I do not have the right or the power to impose those standards on others.

“I have accepted myself and I’m beginning to accept other people the way they are each day. Now I have fewer resentments.”

~ Living with Sobriety

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I would say that an expectation that goes against established experience is a resentment waiting to happen. I do have a right to seek reciprocated respect. When someone proves that they are incapable of personal integrity in their interaction with me, resentment comes when I take no action to care about myself. Their word, their expression of Self, is weak and corruptive. Nursing a resentment is weak and corruptive on my part.

I have no expectations of a corpse. I have very little expectations of a stranger. The more intimate a relationship becomes, the more I seek reciprocated respected. Resentments, I believe, come from my inactivity and whining more than from expectations. I could be wrong. I have been before. I don’t think I am.

From Courage to Change of May 31:

Legends have often told of spiritual journeys in which the hero must face great challenges before gaining treasure at the journey’s end. As the heroes of our own stories, we in Al-Anon have also embarked upon a spiritual journey – one of self-discovery.

With the help of our program and the support of our fellowship, we explore our hidden motives, secrets, buried memories, and unrecognized talents. As we draw upon the wisdom of Al-Anon’s Steps, principles, and tools, we learn to overcome obstacles to personal growth, such as the effects of alcoholism and a variety of defects of character.

We are guided on this journey by a Power greater than ourselves, but the steps we take must be our own. Only by facing the darkness can we receive the treasure – the light and joy of emerging released from all that has held us back.

Today’s Reminder

Self-knowledge is the path to personal freedom. The Steps give me directions and help me to cope with anything I encounter along the way.

” The world cannot be discovered by a journey of miles . . . only by a spiritual journey . . . by which we arrive at the ground at our feet, and learn to be at home.”

~ Wendell Berry

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The above diagram shows my inner onion of mental and emotional challenges that often manifest in defects of character. Any one of the outer circles could trip a self-destructive reaction. I used to say that my inner child would go radioactive. Once I had activated my alcoholism, I could not see any of this. All I knew was that I needed to quit feeling what I was feeling. I needed to find a way to separate myself from the radiation pouring out of my inner core. It has taken me 17 years and so many alcoholic relapses to create the above chart in my mind.

The voices of my early development have not yet gone and may never. But I can better see the true from the false. When someone in the Fellowship “calls me on my shit,” I am able to stop and see if that is valid. I do not automatically embrace criticism. I become an advocate for that little boy I have hidden away. There are people in recovery who have stopped drinking or have better relationships with their family, but who have not peeled away their own onion. They might project their internal coping mechanisms into my life. They have learned to lock their inner child away in the downstairs basement and believe that telling me to do so as well is part of recovery. It took me seventeen years to come to this level of clarity, and most people are not willing to do that much work. I can understand why. But I cannot stay sober without doing so.

Ebby Thatcher should have been listed as one of the co-founders of AA, in my opinion. He was not because the program was designed to help overcome alcoholism and he kept suffering relapses. He continued to struggle but died sober. If you are having problems staying sober even while working the Steps, I would suspect that you have some onion peeling to do. You are really going to have to know who you are, and that is not easy if you have spent a lifetime burying your inner child. If you need someone to talk to, email me and I will encourage you to do what you need to do.