Since the Tenth Step is part of my daily routine, I try to think of it as a gentle, warm, and loving way to take care of myself. By continuing to take my own inventory and promptly admitting when I am wrong, I clear out many unwanted attitudes that might otherwise clutter my day.
This Step has helped me to learn that living one day at a time involves more than pulling my attention back from fears about the future. It also means leaving yesterday’s baggage in the past. Each day I ask myself if carrying this extra weight will in any way help me today. If not, I can drop it here and now and walk away from unwanted negativity with a lightness of spirit.
Today’s Reminder
On this new day, let me quietly reflect and search out any negative feelings that are left over from yesterday. Old resentments will interfere with my serenity today. Perhaps it is time to let them go.
“Each day, each new moment can be an opportunity to clear the air and start again, fresh and free.”
…In All Our Affairs
END OF QUOTE—————————————
I have trouble with letting go of the day. A new day doesn’t usually feel like something given to me, but something arriving to take me in directions I prefer not to go. But the darkness of eventide provides me with a respite, a playground for my imagination, a place where the exploration of ideas meets no criticism from the collective machine that grinds through the daylight. I am jealous for this time, and allowing a ritual such as Step Ten to accompany me to this sacred escape is not something I relish.
Yet, had I not invited alcohol, gaming, and movie binging into this temple of Morpheus because I was eaten away with thought worms that fed off my life. Neither the parasitic worms nor the solutions of escapism provided me with respite, release, or freedom. The deadliest criticisms I had to endure never came from the surrounding society. Step Ten allows me to smash all the mirrors that have nothing to do with my own personal inventory and to stop trying to hit targets for my life provided by ghosts of inadequacy. It is never the day that needs to be renewed. It is me. A well informed spirit has no fear of walking in the daylight. I desire that. Thus, I surrender the quiet to my Higher Power through this ritual.
“Can you imagine the number of mirrors this man must have smashed?” ~ J.K. Rowling
Yes. I can. He had to smash every single mirror, except one. I keep mine clean and clear with Step Ten. To your own self be true.
Step Nine says I need not make direct amends to those I have injured if, in doing so, I might cause further injury. How do I know whether or not to take action?
If direct amends are inappropriate, I can trust my Higher Power to let me know. Otherwise, if I have worked the Eighth Step and become truly willing to make amends, I believe the opportunities will arise when I am ready.
For example, I was unable to discuss my personal life with my mother. Fearing her rejection, I rejected her instead. An upcoming visit presented an opportunity to make amends, but I wasn’t sure I was ready. Would making amends at this tie injure me?
After my mother arrived, I had the feeling that this was “the time.” I prayed for courage and asked my Higher Power to help me find the words. My mother sat down with me in a quiet moment and, to my amazement, brought up every subject I had wanted to discuss. I realized that the opportunity to be close to her had always existed, but I hadn’t been willing, until then, to take part in it.
Today’s Reminder
My Higher Power does not put any challenges before me that I am unable to face. The comfort I find in that knowledge can overcome my fears.
“The lure of the distant and the difficult is deceptive. The great opportunity is where you are.”
~ John Burroughs
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It sounds to me that the best approach to the Step Eight and Nine amends is to list all, to become willing to make amends to all, and then, after an honest conversation with my sponsor or other points of accountability, to make a notation, a mark, and to set aside those that might cause further harm.
These set-aside amends, I make to my Higher Power and seek inspiration for a lifestyle amends. I pray for those who deserved an amends from me, and only if my Higher Power gives me opportunity and inspiration, do I carefully move forward.
Otherwise, I change the way I live in honor of that karmic debt.
“There was once a very small town with a narrow cobblestone lane that ran north to south through the town. In the center of the town, the lane was lined on both sides with many small kiosks for food, tea, and all the other items needed for living. There were numerous other lanes and paths that ran both parallel and perpendicular to the main lane that went through the center of town. One of the rules of this town was that all donkeys, which most of the town people used to carry their goods, had to be tethered just outside the town center in a special area designed just for them.
Unfortunately, one day one of the townspeople forgot to tether his donkey securely and it got loose, wandered down into the center of town, and settled several yards before the tea kiosk on the north end of the lane blocking access to anyone attempting to walk south down the lane. Now this particular donkey, who was very big and very stubborn and was used to getting his own way, refused to move as people tried to talk him or even shove him out of the way. Since no one could get by the donkey, a crowd began to gather. Those brave souls who tried to slip in front of or behind the donkey to get to their favorite shop would most often receive a swift kick. Since the owner was nowhere to be found, the townspeople became exasperated. The donkey was ruining their day.
As they were discussing what to do, one of them looked north up the lane and noticed a famous Taoist master, who often came to town for some tea, watching their activities from some distance away. “Ah, he will know what to do one of them said to the others. Let’s watch and learn from him.” The Taoist master continued walking toward them until he reached one of the perpendicular lanes, where he turned and disappeared. The townspeople stared in disbelief. “He always walks this way to get his tea,” one of them said. “Where has he gone?” In confusion, they then returned to figuring out how to get past the donkey. A few minutes later the Taoist master suddenly appeared at the south end of the lane, on the other side of the donkey, walking north toward the tea kiosk. With a smile on his face, he waved to the townspeople as he entered the kiosk to get his tea. It didn’t take the townspeople long to realize that he had simply bypassed the donkey by making an extra effort to walk around the block.”
I am working yet another 12 Step program in ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunction). My first sponsor in the program retreated to the safety of his home and devoted himself to family life. As far as I know, he and his family are doing alright. I turned to the man who had been his sponsor and asked that he help me continue forward with the program. He agreed. We had great conversations and I appreciated his intellect. He was helpful to me until we got to the 3rd Step. He seemed to become aggressive toward me and he recognized it. He did not know why and we dismissed it and moved on. It was not something overly hurtful, and was even somewhat playful.
On Labor Day, 2024, I was chairing an AA meeting and all seemed to be going well. But my ACA sponsor had just received some disturbing news about one of his loved ones getting caught up in the web of addiction, and was now in the hospital. The upbeat nature of the sharing in the rooms was more than he could bare, and he shared his pain with us and his feeling of being personally responsible for transferring the disease across generation lines, since it was his granddaughter. He ended his share with “fuck you.” He had said that he didn’t want to dampen the mood and bring us down, and he doubled dipped with a weak attempt to alleviate the dead silence in the room with “I have a joke…never mind.”
I am not sure what he expected in a room of 42 alcoholics, but he was obviously not getting the personal healing or affirmation or…I don’t know. He would share several times more when others in the room tried to respond with traditional AA guidance. Before the meeting was over, many members were just getting up and leaving. I was blind-sided by his behavior. I brought the meeting to an end and went to him afterwards.
“Are you okay?”
He told me he was expressing remorse which he said is a perfectly natural human emotion. I thought to myself that his view of his own behavior was remorse. He apparently did not recognize his own aggression.
It did not make sense to me that he was feeling remorse about something he had absolutely no control over, and felt no remorse over something he should have supreme control over. He was no new-comer to the rooms.
“Is there anything I can do to be helpful?”
He said that maybe I could pray to my Higher Power. But he said it in a way that I did not know whether he was being serious or sarcastic.
I left and spent time praying to try and understand what had just happened. Early in my recovery period, I had shown my ass a few times in the room. I had hurt for the loss of my stepson to a drug overdose. I tried to focus on the part of his expression that I related to. But I could not shake the feeling that something ugly had just happened.
I called my AA Sponsor who told me about being at the mercy of emotions sometimes in sharing in the rooms and having to live with the consequences. I talked to several other people I trust. One who knew me more than anyone ever has, and one that was actually present in the room at the time.
The next day my ACA sponsor apologized to the group for violating AA protocol, “but I do not apologize for my thoughts.” He sounded like someone who was coerced into giving an apology. I could not even remember the particulars of his thoughts. It was the emotion of anger being vomited out on the unsuspecting that stayed with me. But that was my perspective. I decided to reach out directly to him via text, because he has a habit of talking over people when in direct communication. I am more at home with writing.
I suppose it would be unfair for me to reveal exactly what he said, because he spoke freely trusting me. But I am sure there are many that were in the room on Labor Day who felt their trust had been violated. Never the less, I will speak in generalities about that text communications. I will quote myself exactly and relay generally his response.
“I am not sure if you were being sarcastic or genuine, but I have reached to the Infinite Lonely (what I call the God of my understanding) to communicate with the Most High (what he calls the God of his understanding) requesting favor and protection for your grand daughter.
Are you angry or carrying a resentment toward me? In looking back to Monday (Labor Day), is there something I could have done better in chairing the meeting?”
He told me that Monday was not about me and he stated plainly that I was doing what I was supposed to do. He expressed a feeling of closeness to me.
He said that he was concerned that everybody in AA has an oatmeal answer for everything. He seemed to regret that he expected something different. He stated that he had done too much personal work and as a result is keenly aware of human behavior. He said that his problem was that he became impatient with everyone and that he should have been more accepting of people who just don’t know.
His mind imaged the end of the world being populated only by people from AA. Would that be the best examples of humanity? He stated that we both knew that would not be true.
He then turned to my assertion that I had spoken to my Higher Power to speak to his Higher Power about his granddaughter and said something I find interesting. Here I will quote his words exactly to avoid losing anything in my paraphrase.
“You can choose a ready guide from some celestial voice. If you choose not to decide you still have made a choice. You can choose from phantom fear or kindness that can kill. I will choose a path that’s real. I will choose free will.” (I later learned that this is a quote from Rush’s song, Free Will).
I like this as a stand alone quote. But in context with what we were talking about it felt a bit like a backhanded critique of my assertion. I try to push my personal paranoia down. He said, as if it was to make the relevance of the above quote clearer that he is not a group think sort of guy. Again, I relate but don’t actually understand the relevance.
He ended that conversation with an assertion that he knows he unintentionally confuses folks in the rooms, but he will not compromise the freedom he has found through ACA. He expressed gratitude to AA for his sobriety and ACA for his freedom.
I also want to be free in the working of my own program. I don’t want to suppress who I am to keep the interstate of his communication unobstructed. So, I sent the following text to him:
“I will say that I left that meeting hurt, confused, and defensive. I was not the only one. There was a mass exodus toward the end of the meeting. Your expression of remorse came out as anger and contention and blindsided me. A lot of my reaction stemmed from my own past with playing diplomat for explosive emotions. Isn’t the exercise of freedom at the expense of others a form of dominance? I relate to your anguish and remorse. And I have seen meetings absorb a lot of pain for individuals. But your intellect and presence coupled with the shotgun proclamation of “fuck you” felt like an assault. I think you could have managed that better with more consideration for the collateral damage to those who have less time with the program. I strongly suspect that your words should have been shared with your sponsor first. I am going to pull back and work the moral inventory of my ACA with my VA counselor to give time to heal. I do love and respect you. And I wish you to be always free. Just let me get out of the way first ;-)”
This did not seem to set well with him. I will quote exactly what follows because he demonstrated to me that he is likely to repeat his lack of consideration and combativeness in that particular fellowship:
“I appreciate you informing me of your feelings but as many people as you saw move away, many moved toward me. I don’t intend to explain myself to anybody. Sorry your feelings were hurt. Maybe a little more time will give you a thicker skin so you can understand things that aren’t as warm and fuzzy as you’d like to see them. You don’t know this, but along with you, I pick up on a regular basis a number of sponsees and with my methodology work them through the steps. Go ahead and be the master of ceremony in the meeting. Everybody loves you and I do too. Thanks for being the voice of the hurt and suffering.
Maybe you’ll be able to be more consistent in working the ACA program with someone else. It might possibly open your eyes to the codependency that regularly displays itself in the rooms of AA…but then again, you might not be ready for it.
If you decide you want to continue, I’ll be available. I have a question: How many people are you working with having completed your 12 steps? I’ll be glad to show you my schedule if you want to see it and that’s not brag, that’s fact.
If I am not mistaken, I got your ACA sponsor through the 12 steps of AA and ACA. He wasn’t able to maintain his program. Real nice guy. I don’t want to be unkind but you may want to apply a firmer hand with your sponsees instead of becoming their buddies.
Please respond. I’d like to hear what you think.”
So, I responded:
“I think you are effective. I most certainly will not argue that I have work to do on myself. It seems you are angry with me and seek to push a button. I do not wish to engage further.”
He continued:
“It’s not possible for you to provoke me to anger and I’m not here to argue, but maybe in 20 years you’ll be able to see it. I see a lot of people get drunk on the emotional side of the program. There is a lots of “love” going around.
I’m done.”
I document this so that I don’t have to repeat myself for those who know me face to face and wonder why I am making some changes in my participation. Feedback from readers is always welcome, and I know this is probably too personal to be blogged. But writing is the best exorcist of my personal demons.
I am looking for a way around the donkey in the alley.
NOTE: I have kept specific information such as names and locations out to protect anonymity. Only those who know me in recovery will be able to identify the players in this drama.
Step Seven: “Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings..”
7th Step Principle: One of the most powerful acts of our free will is to replace our isolating self view with the connected Self and thus activate the usefulness of our lives within the collective mind, and this change is the result of a mystical intimacy with our Higher Power. (Principles after the First Step are constructed from personal reflection and acceptance. Use my version or formulate your own.)
AA Extracted Value: Humility
ACA Extracted Values: Humility
Other Extracted Values: Courage
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“As you grow up, always tell the truth, do no harm to others, and don’t think you are the most important being on earth. Rich or poor, you then can look anyone in the eye and say, ‘I’m probably no better than you, but I’m certainly your equal.’ “
~ Harper Lee
Humility is knowing who we are, while respecting and empathizing with others for who they are. If we are honest, kind and unselfish in our judgments and conduct, we are more easily able to relate to our fellows, inside and outside of A.A. In Lee’s classic book To Kill a Mockingbird, the lead character Atticus Finch says: “You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view…until you climb inside of his skin and walk around in it.” As an emotionally sober alcoholic, we walk around other alcoholics’ skins every day in the Fellowship, and it is a humbling experience, for we know we are all equals.
~ Alex M., Practice These Principles, page 200
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Photo of Harper Lee taken by Truman Capote in 1960
Do you believe in magic? Do you believe that people can transform from fearful mortals protecting their territory into something. . . more? I suspect that the brevity of life and the challenges in the cruelty of the mundane lock us into a twitching vigilance; a pitiful surrender of the predatory-prey dynamic. Piece by piece I accumulate evidence of a whispering parent of humanity, that seems to give a damn about our outcome but does not want to disturb our growth. Our free will, for some reason, must remain intact. The shadowy embrace refuses to imprison me or my fellows. It does not overwhelm us with an intimidating appearance that would most certainly obliterate our intelligent response to the Infinite One. It lets us struggle and find the reality of God in the soul of our fellow humans. Rejecting the shards of god embedded within every human being makes it impossible to embrace the Source of those Self-aware ones. Does that seem reasonable? The Higher Power approaches us much more humbly than one would expect from the center of all power. Now I emulate that behavior in reciprocated desire for intimacy.
Do you believe in magic? I do. We in the AA Fellowship do. We humbly ask the invisible parent to make us more than our fears.
Step Six: “Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.”
6th Step Principle: After establishing an objective awareness of my reasons for using and embracing my defects of character, I become willing to fulfill those needs through my connection with the Higher Power. (Principles after the First Step are constructed from personal reflection and acceptance. Use my version or formulate your own.)
AA Extracted Value: Willingness
ACA Extracted Values: Honesty & Trust
Other Extracted Values: Truthfulness
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“Reminding ourselves that we have decided to go to any lengths to find a spiritual experience, we ask that we be given strength and direction to do that right thing, no matter what the personal consequences may be. We may lose our position or reputation or face jail, but we are willing. “
~ Alcoholics Anonymous, Into Action, page 79
There are three places in the Big Book where we commit to go to any length to recover from our illness of alcoholism. The first time we commit is in “How It Works:” 1) “Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program…If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get–then you are ready to take certain steps” (How It Works, p.58). We next commit to go to any length in making our amends: 2) “We have a list of all persons we have harmed and to whom we are willing to make amends…If we haven’t the will to do this we ask until it comes. Remember it was agreed at the beginning we would go to any lengths for victory over alcohol” (Into Action, p. 76). 3) Finally, in the excerpt above, we are asked to go to any lengths to find a spiritual experience, or a change in our attitudes and actions sufficient for recovery from alcoholism; changes which should grow stronger as we complete the 12 Steps.
~ Alex M., Practice These Principles, page 177
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Unlike drinking alcohol, my misused natural instincts are not normally suicidal. In their proper place, they help me live life on life’s terms. In order to deal with my faults, I seek to go through a transformation of thought and attitude without abstinence from instinct. I discover how those exaggerated instincts were of benefit to me and offer that place of prominent need to my Higher Power. It ultimately becomes another excuse to connect with my Creator. It is an invitation to expand the life-saving covenant I initiated in the 3rd Step. I accept this invitation.
Step Five: “Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.”
5th Step Principle: Facing the exact nature of our wrongs makes us internally aware of connective obstacles; presenting them to our Higher Power establishes thoroughness in the pursuit of release from our guilt; and expressing them aloud to another human being creates a social fearlessness in our lives. (Principles after the First Step are constructed from personal reflection and acceptance. Use my version or formulate your own.)
AA Extracted Value: Integrity
ACA Extracted Values: Honesty & Trust
Other Extracted Values: Openness
START OF QUOTE—————————————
In this book you read again and again that faith did for us what we could not do for ourselves. We hope you are convinced now that God can remove whatever self-will has blocked you off from Him. If you have already made a decision, and an inventory of your grosser handicaps, you have made a good beginning. That being so you have swallowed and digested some big chunks of truth about yourself. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous, How it Works, page 70.
A deeply honest, comprehensive and thorough fourth step inventory, followed by a review of our inventory with our sponsor in Step Five, should reveal the truth about ourselves. This is only the starting point. We can’t change our past, but we can change our future by changing our attitudes and actions going forward. This is the purpose of the 12 Steps – to provide us with the tools to change our life for the better. Half-measures bring us nothing. We are either all in, or not in at all; It’s our choice. ~ Alex M., Practice These Principles.
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I have discovered that identifying the exact nature of my short-comings allows me to also recognize some of the specifics about other aspects of my character. I am not a walking blob of ugly transgressions. I can resist the yeast-like contamination of shame when I know what is not included in the inventory of actual guilt. I can vanquish the condemning judge when I am willing to become the objective scientist. I can turn the fungus of guilt into the penicillin of recovery. I don’t want an ambiguous, secret shame oozing out of possible misbehavior. I want the exact nature identified and severed from my valuable personality traits. I want to be free from quarantine, openly walking among my fellow humans. Let the process of recovering my true self continue.
Step Four: “Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.”
4th Step Principle: The most powerful act of strength in my life is to appraise my internal stock and find what is productive and what is predatory, what is connective and what is isolating, what is animal impulse and what is high intelligence and then become willing to assume responsibility for where it has been destructive and where it offers me greater freedom. (Principles after the First Step are constructed from personal reflection and acceptance. Use my version or formulate your own.)
AA Extracted Value: Courage
ACA Extracted Values: Self-honesty & Courage
Other Extracted Values: Responsibility
START OF QUOTE—————————————
“No one in A.A. ever told me to take the cotton out of my ears and put it in my mouth, but I understood the implication of the advice. For months I barely uttered more than my name at an A.A. meeting, but I paid close attention to what other members said. There were no distractions. My cell phone was off; I had no side conversations while others were speaking, and I took pen and paper to jot down key points. I stayed after meetings and spoke with newcomers and oldtimers alike, mostly asking them how I could make it through the rest of the day without drinking.
~ Practice These Principles by Alex M.
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I can remember when I started bringing paper with me, tucked away in my Big Book, so that I could remember what had been shared in the meetings. Just the act of writing it down seems to mark it in my brain as something important to remember. And those old scraps of paper provide ideas to review when I get stuck in the morbid self-reflection of isolated rumination.
I think it is also important to share at meetings if I am needing connection, or if I am being overwhelmed by the squirrels in my head and I need the light of the collective mind to scatter those obsessive thoughts.
When it came time to actively pursue the Eighth Step (“Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all”), I stopped dead in my tracks! I knew of quite a few people I had harmed but I was absolutely unwilling to even consider making amends to some of them!
My Sponsor suggested I divide my list into three categories: those to whom I was willing to make amends, those to whom I might make amends; and those to whom I would absolutely not ever make amends. When I finished, I started Step Nine by making amends to those on the first list.
The amazing thing was that, as I proceeded, I found some of the names from my “maybe” list shifting to my “willing” list. In time, even some “absolutely not” people appeared on my “maybe” list. Eventually it became easier to make amends, even to “absolutely not” people. My reward? Some renewed friendships and family ties; more importantly, an ability to face the new day without guilt, because I had owned up to my responsibilities.
Today’s Reminder
I will not let myself be stopped from taking Step Eight or Step Nine because I can’t do it perfectly overnight. I will let myself be where I am today, and do what I am able to do.
“It does not matter how slowly you go
So long as you do not stop.”
~ Confucius
END OF QUOTE—————————————
I was told to face my most difficult amends first. I suppose I was willing to take on the entire list as long as it was taken one by one in my mind. I gave my full attention to one target at a time making sure that I was prepared to actively listen, to consider and learn for my own battle with that mental obsession, and with the hope of finding a very pragmatic way to make things right. I spent time with my Sponsor preparing, to make sure that I was not preaching nor was I making it about me. It was the beginning of learning to be an active listener which is a skill I need as a Sponsor. It was just another way I was being enhanced or modified by the process. One Step at a time toward a better, freer version of myself.
Step Two: “Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.”
2nd Step Principle: Our inner struggles are a shadow of a loving Power greater than our current existence and we are developing an awareness of this reality and are slowly turning around to see the true from the false. (Principles after the First Step are constructed from personal reflection and acceptance. Use my version or formulate your own.)
AA Extracted Value: Hope
ACA Extracted Values: Open-mindedness & Clarity
Other Extracted Values: Awareness
We are neither insignificant nor are we alone in the Universe. But I suspect that we are free for the sake of transformation. The silence of the Lonely Infinite insures that freedom. Thus I am free to build in the shadow and explore empowering myself in isolation. I pursue it because I know I want to be more than what I am.
Why am I not happy being a mortal animal? Is it because I sense there is more to this life than that?
I imagine the God of my understanding saying, “Why am I not content being the only living entity? Why does My loneliness ignite an unquenchable flame? Should I create beings that can withstand becoming alive in the infinite realm?” Of course, omniscience would provide simultaneously the question and the answer. It is difficult to wrap my head around the omni-nature of an infinite existence. But just like film can slow down the travel of a speeding bullet for our analysis, maybe I can slow down a thought for my own consideration. And yours.
“It is not good for man to be alone.”
~ Moses acting as ghostwriter for God in the origin myth of Eden when humanity was neither male nor female.
Step Two: “Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.”
2nd Step Principle: My need for the ability to tell the true from the false with a whole and sane mind is the beginning of my connection with an untapped Power greater than myself. (Principles after the First Step are constructed from personal reflection and acceptance. Use my version or formulate your own.)
AA Extracted Value: Hope
ACA Extracted Values: Open-mindedness & Clarity
Other Extracted Values: Awareness
One way to understand the meaning of hope is to know what is not hope. Hope is not wishful thinking. Hope is the targeting of a solution to motivate follow-up action. Wishful thinking is that same targeting with an apathetic response. Without the follow-up action, hope will degrade into wishful thinking. The ineffectiveness of wishful thinking will actually produce the opposite of hope, which is despair. Despair will target the persistence of the problem while losing faith in a solution.
Hope is a lot like target practice for firearms or archery. The weapon is pointed at the target, the individual learns to relax and breath, then the specific point on the target is sighted. This sighting is similar to the skill of building hope. Then the trigger is pulled or the tension in the bow arm is released, and the striking of the target is analyzed to appraise one’s ability to focus the necessary actions. How effective is my aim? How effective is my hope? Am I being restored to sanity? Hope is an active skill and not a passive surrender.
Daily Reprieve 
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