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Endigar 1082

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on November 6, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Nov 01:

Sometimes a horse refuses to obey the rider’s command and races out of control. My thoughts can do this too, when I frantically try, over and over, to solve a difficult problem. Riding lessons have taught me not to continually repeat a command louder, but to stop the horse, get his attention, and begin again.

Likewise, when my thoughts race out of control, I need to stop. I may do this by breathing deeply and looking at my surroundings. It can help to replace the obsessive thoughts with something positive, such as an Al-Anon slogan, the Serenity Prayer, or another comforting topic that has nothing to do with my problem.

Later I may want to think about the problem again in a more serene way with the help of an Al-Anon friend or Sponsor. When I put some distance between myself and obsessive thinking, I can better look at my situation without losing all control.

Today’s Reminder

Sometimes I have to let go of a problem before I can find a solution. My racing thoughts may be making so much noise that I can’t hear the guidance my inner voice is offering. Quieting the noise is a skill I can learn with practice. At first I may have to still my thoughts again and again, but in Al-Anon I learn that practice makes progress, one minute, one thought at a time.

“All men’s miseries derive from not being able to sit quiet in a room alone.”
~ Blaise Pascal

END OF QUOTE—————————————

NOTE: Blaise Pascal (1623–1662) was one of those rare minds whose work reshaped multiple fields at once—mathematics, physics, philosophy, theology, and even the design of early computers. He was a French mathematician, physicist, inventor, writer, and Christian thinker.

His Core Philosophical Insight

Pascal saw humanity as caught between two infinities:

  • Our misery and smallness in the vast universe
  • Our grandeur in being able to recognize that smallness

“Man is a reed, the weakest in nature, but he is a thinking reed.”

We are fragile—but aware.
Our suffering is real—but so is our capacity for meaning.

END OF NOTE—————————————

There is a subtle violence in the mind when it begins to gallop.
It is not malicious — it is frightened.

A horse that bolts is not trying to betray the rider.
It is trying to survive something it feels.
It runs because something in its body believes running is the only safety left.

Our thoughts do the same.
When fear, shame, or unresolved tension rises, the mind tries to outrun it —
solve faster, think harder, rehearse the catastrophe in advance
so we will not be caught off guard.

But like the horse, the mind cannot be forced into calm by force.

Trying to “think louder” only tightens the panic.

So, the recovery wisdom here is not about domination, but reconnection.

Not: Control the mind.
But: Return to the reins.

The stopping is the spiritual moment.
The breath is the stable.
The stillness is the hand on the horse’s neck.

When we interrupt the runaway motion —
even for a breath —
we step back into our own body,
our own agency,
our own present moment.

And in that space, something quieter — something older — begins to speak.
Not the fear.
Not the frantic future.
But the inner voice that does not shout.

This is the voice that says guidance cannot be heard over racing thoughts.

Because God whispers.

And whispers are not heard when the mind is sprinting.

“Sometimes I have to let go of a problem before I can find the solution” —
this is not resignation.
It is humility in its most functional form:

I cannot think my way into peace,
but I may be able to breathe my way into clarity.

And clarity makes room for truth.

Sometimes we need to stand still long enough for the horse to remember that it is safe.

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Endigar 1067

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on October 21, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Oct 18:

As we pursue recovery, we may encounter opportunities to deepen learning we began long ago. Perhaps we once learned to detach from a particular problem. Now, months or years later, when we once again need to detach, it can feel as if we’ve forgotten everything we knew. It’s important to remember at such moments that, although the feelings may be the same, we are not the same.

My recovery matters. All of the experience, strength, and hope I have accumulated is within me today, guiding my choices. I may not recognize it right now, but I have made progress, and I continue to make progress with every step I take. Perhaps I am learning something I have learned before; I must need to know it more deeply. I may go through the process this time with greater awareness, or turn to my Higher Power more quickly and easily, or reach out to an Al-Anon friend without hesitation.

Today’s Reminder

Instead of assuming that I have failed because I am learning a difficult lesson once more, I might embrace the experience as part of a long-term healing process that requires repetition and practice. I can trust that eventually I will learn it so well that it will become an automatic, confident, and healthy response.

“The human mind always makes progress, but it is a progress in spirals.” ~ Madame de Stael

NOTE: Madame de Staël (full name Anne Louise Germaine de Staël-Holstein, 1766–1817) was a French-Swiss intellectual, writer, and political thinker—one of the most influential women of her age.

END OF QUOTE—————————————

The rhythm of recovery’s spiral is not a lullaby — it’s a drill. It bores deeper into the stone of the self until the truth seeps through like water. Growth doesn’t always look like triumph; sometimes it looks like an old battlefield revisited with new armor. The same pain, yes — but this time, the sword doesn’t shake in my hand.

Detachment, as the weak define it, sounds like walking away. But as I live it, detachment is a warrior’s pause — the art of holding the line without losing the pulse. It’s the refusal to drown in someone else’s storm. It’s the dangerous calm that comes after I’ve stopped needing to win and started needing to see. Every return to this lesson burns the dross from love until what’s left is clean and sovereign.

Recovery is not amnesia. It is architecture — every collapse becoming a new foundation. When I think I’m back at square one, I’m actually in the same arena at a higher altitude. The ache of recognition isn’t regression; it’s proof that my soul is spiraling toward precision. Each repetition is the body remembering what the spirit already knows: that freedom is not given, it’s forged through the fire of return.

So I trust the spiral. I trust the tightening orbit around the truth. When old wounds sing their familiar songs, I answer — not as a victim repeating history, but as a blacksmith of grace, hammering rhythm into revelation. My Higher Power wastes nothing. Even the echoes are used. Every repetition is a drill, every drill is devotion, and every scar is a sigil carved into the temple of endurance.

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Endigar 1037 – PSA: Citalopram (SSRI) vs. Phenibut (GABA derivative)

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on September 8, 2025 by endigar

Several years back, in the process of going through counseling, I realized that I suffered from social anxiety. I had the added realization when someone very close to me pointed out that it seemed to her that I was an extrovert with a social anxiety issue. That bit of self-knowledge resonated as true when I began looking back over my depressive paralysis. At some point, I decided I needed to find some way to deal with the anxiety that was not alcoholic and was not illegal. I found a “supplement” online called Phenibut. Testimony of reduced anxiety and effective exercise and increased confidence in socialization seemed like just the thing for me. I ordered it and the immediate relief I felt was pure paradise for me. It did not take long for me to fall in love with Phenibut.

But there has to be a moderate dose and two days of abstinence to resist the chemical’s quick build up of tolerance. I also ignored a small print warning about that fact that this chemical duplicates some of the same Gaba receptor connections that is common in alcoholism. I focused on the “positive.” My social anxiety was gone. Not reduced. Gone. I soon discovered that a little bit of anxiety is a good thing. I was correcting my college professors for their lack of good classroom management, I became an absolute brute in my intimate relationships, I compromised the recovery of a young lady by taking her captive, figuratively, and moving her into my living space without consideration for my Father who also lived with me. I could go one. In short, I became the monster I always feared to become.

Like the owner of the Mogwai in the Gremlins movie, I did not follow the rules of safe intake. And I had to take more and more to get the effect I wanted. Eventually, I dropped into a near overdose event and had to be transported to the hospital from my college campus. I told the medical community that I had taken too much Benadryl. When I finally came clean about what I had ingested, they were furious and said giving them wrong information could cause them to give me wrong and possibly harmful treatment. They had never heard of Phenibut, because it was a chemical developed in the Soviet Union. As I withdrew from a potentially lethal dose, I began to have hallucinations and a complete break with reality. Paranoia was off the charts. I was just a few steps from being committed to the psych ward.

The doctor told me that it looked like I was attempting suicide because of the 10 mg dose I had taken (maybe more) and that he could not release me unless I promised to see a psychiatrist immediately. I promised and under grief for the betrayal of my chemical paradise, I went to the VA. There I was prescribed Citalopram Hydrobromide. My counselor at the VA said they began to see other vets coming in for Phenibut overdose. That chemical has since been made illegal in my state.

The Citalopram did not excite that itch for chemical intensity. It moved slowly and almost undetected. But it was effective with some side effects. When my anxiety rises, I get sleepy, and if I resist the rest, I get a headache. But this situation is manageable. The only problem is that I have to use personal discipline rather than addictive drive to take the required daily dose. And when I quit taking it, I feel the creative spark more clearly. But then the anxiety-driven depressive episodes return.

I have recently returned to the medication and decided I will have to learn to deal with the side effects.

I asked Lucien (AI) to give a break down on the two substances. I hope this serves as a warning to Alcoholics/Addicts to stay away from Phenibut.

Citalopram Hydrobromide

is a prescription antidepressant that belongs to the class of drugs called SSRIs (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors). It’s most commonly used to treat major depressive disorder (MDD) and sometimes generalized anxiety disorder (GAD), though for anxiety it is often prescribed “off-label” depending on the region.

Here’s a breakdown:

How It Works

  • Citalopram increases the availability of serotonin (a neurotransmitter linked to mood, sleep, and anxiety regulation) by preventing its reabsorption (reuptake) into nerve cells.
  • Over time (typically 2–6 weeks), this helps stabilize mood and reduce symptoms of anxiety or depression.

Uses

  • FDA-approved: Major depressive disorder (adults).
  • Common off-label uses: Generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder, OCD, social anxiety disorder, and sometimes PTSD.

Dosage

  • Typically starts at 10–20 mg daily.
  • May be increased up to 40 mg daily (doses above 40 mg are generally avoided due to heart rhythm risks).
  • Elderly patients or those with liver issues are usually limited to 20 mg daily.

Side Effects

Common:

  • Nausea, dry mouth, sweating, drowsiness or insomnia, sexual dysfunction, tremors, fatigue.

Serious (less common):

  • QT prolongation (a heart rhythm disturbance, especially at higher doses).
  • Low sodium (hyponatremia).
  • Increased risk of bleeding (especially with NSAIDs or blood thinners).
  • Rarely, serotonin syndrome if combined with other serotonergic drugs (symptoms: agitation, confusion, rapid heart rate, muscle rigidity).

Precautions

  • Should not be combined with MAO inhibitors or certain other psychiatric medications.
  • Dose adjustments may be needed in the elderly or those with liver disease.
  • Regular monitoring may include EKG for those at risk of heart rhythm changes.

Discontinuation

  • Should not be stopped suddenly—tapering under medical supervision is recommended to avoid withdrawal-like symptoms (dizziness, irritability, flu-like feelings).

Phenibut

is a synthetic central nervous system depressant that was first developed in the Soviet Union in the 1960s. It is not approved as a prescription medication in the U.S. or most Western countries, but it has been prescribed in Russia and some Eastern European nations for decades as a treatment for anxiety, insomnia, PTSD, and certain neurological disorders.

Here’s a clear overview:

What It Is

  • Chemical class: A derivative of the neurotransmitter GABA (gamma-aminobutyric acid), with a phenyl group added so it can cross the blood–brain barrier more effectively than GABA itself.
  • Mechanism: Primarily acts as a GABA-B receptor agonist (like baclofen) and also has some action on GABA-A and dopamine systems. This gives it calming, anxiolytic (anti-anxiety), and mild euphoric effects.

Effects

Desired / Reported:

  • Reduces anxiety and social inhibition.
  • Improves mood, relaxation, and sometimes cognitive performance under stress.
  • Sedative and sleep-inducing at higher doses.
  • Some report mild euphoria or enhanced sociability.

Onset/Duration:

  • Onset is slow (2–4 hours after ingestion).
  • Effects may last 6–15 hours depending on dose and individual metabolism.

Medical Uses (in Russia/Eastern Europe)

  • Anxiety and neurosis.
  • Insomnia.
  • PTSD.
  • Vestibular disorders (like vertigo).
  • Sometimes used preoperatively to calm patients.

Risks & Side Effects

  • Tolerance builds quickly, meaning users often escalate doses.
  • Withdrawal can be severe—including anxiety, insomnia, hallucinations, tremors, and in extreme cases, seizures. This makes it potentially dangerous if used daily for more than a short time.
  • Side effects may include:
    • Drowsiness or fatigue
    • Nausea
    • Irritability
    • Dizziness
    • Loss of motor coordination at high doses

Overdose risks: At high levels, Phenibut can cause unconsciousness, respiratory depression, or death (especially if combined with alcohol or other depressants).

Legal Status

  • Russia & some Eastern countries: Approved medication (sold under brand names like Noofen or Anvifen).
  • U.S. & most of Europe: Not an approved drug; sold online as a “nootropic” or supplement, but the FDA has issued warnings and banned it from dietary supplements.

Comparison

  • Similar in some ways to benzodiazepines (like Xanax or Valium), but acts on different receptor systems (GABA-B vs. GABA-A).
  • Often compared to baclofen (a muscle relaxant with GABA-B activity).
  • More addictive and withdrawal-prone than people first assume.

Bottom line: Phenibut can feel helpful in the short term for anxiety or sleep, but it carries a high risk of dependence and withdrawal, making it a risky option outside medical supervision.

Citalopram (SSRI) vs. Phenibut (GABA derivative)

1. Classification

  • Citalopram Hydrobromide
    • Prescription antidepressant.
    • Class: SSRI (Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor).
    • Approved by FDA (U.S.) for depression, often prescribed off-label for anxiety.
  • Phenibut
    • Not FDA-approved; legal as a supplement in some countries, prescription drug in Russia.
    • Class: GABA derivative / GABA-B receptor agonist.
    • Originally developed as an anxiolytic and sleep aid in Soviet medicine.

2. Mechanism of Action

  • Citalopram
    • Increases serotonin levels in the brain by blocking reuptake.
    • Works slowly; takes 2–6 weeks for therapeutic effect.
    • Indirectly stabilizes mood and reduces anxiety over time.
  • Phenibut
    • Direct GABA-B agonist, plus weak dopamine effects.
    • Works quickly (within 2–4 hours).
    • Calms the nervous system directly, producing sedation, relaxation, and reduced anxiety.

3. Onset & Duration

  • Citalopram
    • Gradual onset, no immediate “relief.”
    • Must be taken daily for cumulative effect.
    • Duration depends on continuous treatment.
  • Phenibut
    • Acute relief: noticeable calmness/sedation same day.
    • Lasts 6–15 hours.
    • Not intended for daily long-term use due to tolerance and dependence.

4. Efficacy for Anxiety

  • Citalopram
    • Strong evidence base for depression, generalized anxiety, panic disorder, OCD.
    • Best for long-term management of anxiety.
    • Lower risk of abuse.
  • Phenibut
    • Effective short-term anxiolytic; users often report rapid social ease and relief.
    • No robust clinical trials in Western medicine.
    • High risk of tolerance, withdrawal, and misuse.

5. Risks & Side Effects

  • Citalopram
    • Common: nausea, insomnia, sexual dysfunction, sweating, fatigue.
    • Serious: QT prolongation (heart rhythm issue), serotonin syndrome (if combined with other serotonergic drugs).
    • Withdrawal possible, but manageable with taper.
  • Phenibut
    • Common: drowsiness, dizziness, nausea, irritability.
    • Serious: rapid tolerance, severe withdrawal (hallucinations, seizures, psychosis), overdose risk especially with alcohol/benzos.
    • Risk of compulsive re-dosing due to euphoric/social effects.

6. Legal/Medical Standing

  • Citalopram
    • Fully integrated into psychiatric treatment worldwide.
    • Prescribed under medical supervision with lab and heart monitoring if needed.
  • Phenibut
    • Not recognized in U.S./Western medicine.
    • Available online but flagged by FDA.
    • Considered a gray-market nootropic rather than a safe therapeutic.

7. Bottom Line

  • Citalopram:
    • Safe, studied, effective for long-term management of depression and anxiety.
    • Requires patience for onset.
    • Controlled use with low abuse potential.
  • Phenibut:
    • Feels powerful and fast for short-term relief, but high risk of addiction, dependence, and withdrawal.
    • Best avoided outside strict medical supervision (rare outside Russia).

In short:

  • Citalopram = steady, safe long-term anchor for mood/anxiety.
  • Phenibut = tempting quick fix, but dangerous if relied upon.

This is a story about identity under pressure and the way substances can masquerade as salvation before revealing their claws. Let me mirror it back to you with some careful structure, honoring the voice you’ve already established:

Witness to Paradise and Ruin

  • You describe Phenibut as “pure paradise,” and that line lands heavy — because it reveals how quickly anxiety’s prison door seemed to swing open. The relief was not gradual; it was total, absolute. No wonder you fell in love.
  • But paradise had rules. You name them clearly: moderation, abstinence windows, genetic vulnerabilities. Like the Mogwai in Gremlins, those rules weren’t whimsical; they were guardrails. And ignoring them turned liberation into possession.

The Transformation

  • I notice you framed your behavior under Phenibut as monstrous: correcting professors, domineering intimacy, collapsing boundaries at home. The self you feared to become was not an illusion — it was the chemical unmasking unchecked impulses once softened by anxiety.
  • That honesty is rare: you aren’t romanticizing the experience, nor sanitizing it. You’re testifying to the price of paradise when it’s borrowed instead of earned.

The Collapse

  • The near-overdose, the false cover story (“too much Benadryl”), the doctor’s fury — these moments mark the shift from “private experiment” to “public crisis.” The hallucinations and paranoia weren’t metaphors; they were the tangible cost of crossing the invisible line between therapeutic and toxic.

The Turning

  • What’s striking is how the illegal Soviet orphan-chemical led you, in grief, to the legal veteran’s clinic — and to Citalopram Hydrobromide.
  • Here the contrast couldn’t be sharper:
    • Phenibut: sudden, intoxicating, catastrophic.
    • Citalopram: slow, steady, sober — a discipline, not a thrill.
  • You name the central paradox: addictive drive makes obedience easy, but discipline requires will.

The Ongoing Tension

  • You are caught between spark and stability. Off medication, the creative fire is clearer — but anxiety drags you back into depressive paralysis. On medication, the fire is muted, but life steadies into something manageable.
  • This is the paradox of many artists and seekers: whether to burn brightly in chaos, or to build steadily in peace.

Your Testament

What you’ve written is not just testimony — it is a map for others who might flirt with the same chemical temptations. It names:

  • The seduction of quick relief.
  • The horror of rule-breaking.
  • The sober contrast of safer, slower medicine.
  • The ongoing spiritual work of choosing discipline over intoxication.

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Endigar 1030

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on August 27, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Sep 15:

Night after sleepless night, I tossed and turned and worried. Why couldn’t I sleep? What was the matter with me? My life was stressful, but no more so than usual. I’d tried hot milk, reading in bed, soft music, even a visit to the doctor, but still I couldn’t get more than a few hours sleep. I was in a panic!

I spoke about my concerns in an Al-Anon meeting, and another member related a similar problem. What had helped him was to accept the situation fully and admit that he was powerless to make himself sleep. In retrospect, he said, his sleeplessness had been a blessing; it had kept him too tired to get into trouble.

I realized that the same was true for me. Instead of worrying compulsively about a loved one’s sobriety, watchful and nosy despite many attempts to mind my own business, lately I’ve been too tired to be overly involved in anything that wasn’t my concern. I had often prayed to be released from my obsessive worry, and now, in an unexpected way, my prayers seem to have been answered.

Today’s Reminder

My Higher Power’s gifts sometimes take unusual forms. Perhaps something I regard as a problem is really a form of assistance.

“Nothing is either good or bad. It’s thinking that makes it so.” – William Shakespeare

END OF QUOTE—————————————

My problem is the opposite of sleeplessness. In this season of life, sleep has become my greatest solace. I live alone, save for a cat who waits sweetly—if somewhat morbidly—to one day feast on my silent, non-breathing carcass. Within this private realm of rest, I pray. I seek connection. I don’t feel lost in depression, but rather suspended—sleep loosens the grip of my obsession with reaching the Infinite One.

Recently my ACA Sponsor sent me a YouTube video of Alan Watts titled No Friends, No Lovers, Just God and the Man Who Believes. Watts, for all his eloquence, never performed the kind of miracles that would convince me of his spiritual ascension. He was married three times, fathered seven children, and struggled with alcoholism until his death at 58. He also experimented with marijuana, LSD, mescaline, and—less certainly—psilocybin mushrooms. Though he wrote and lectured on the mystical potential of these substances, he warned against clinging to them, likening psychedelics to a telephone: useful for receiving a message, but pointless to keep “holding onto after the message has been delivered.”

I believe my Sponsor’s intent in sharing the video was not to highlight Watts’ life but his message: that learning to be comfortable with solitude is the first step to knowing yourself and connecting with God. Watts described this as an intense internal existence, where surrender in aloneness dissolves the need for human approval—and where serenity itself attracts others without effort. But to me, his own life does not reflect this ideal. Instead, I hear in it a mystical justification for chemical dependency and emotional absence within intimacy. Harsh? Perhaps. But it is my honest observation.

And here lies the paradox I keep encountering: the Higher Power’s gifts rarely come wrapped in gold. More often they arrive disguised in the ordinary—or even the unpleasant. A sleepless night. An overabundance of sleep. A closed door, an unwelcome delay. What I label as a problem may, in fact, be grace in work clothes. Acceptance is not resignation, but trust: that even this—this inconvenience, this seeming curse—might be the blessing I didn’t recognize I needed.

So I ask myself:

  • What if my present discomfort is secretly serving me?
  • What if the very thing I resent is the tool that keeps me from falling deeper into obsession?
  • Can I thank my Higher Power not only for comforts but for interruptions?

I admit—I hate oversleeping. And yet, perhaps it is not the enemy I’ve made it out to be. I keep showing up, even soul-tired, even unpolished, still trying to be useful. Maybe other “problems” in my life have been blessings in disguise, too. If sleep can shield me from obsession, perhaps another person’s burden hides its own strange grace.

I want to learn to seek usefulness in the unwanted. In meetings, I try to share my struggles openly, giving others permission to do the same. Could it be that sleep is not a thief after all, but a teacher?

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Endigar 958

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , on May 25, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Jul 18:

We often come to Al-Anon with the philosophy that if something works, it will work even better and faster if we try harder. But Al-Anon involves a long-term process of growth and change. Our efforts to speed up this process are more likely to interfere with it, leaving us frustrated and depressed. In Al-Anon we learn that “Easy Does It.” The work often gets done when we stop pushing.

When I first came to Al-Anon I heard that, although we learn to entrust our lives and our future to a Power greater than ourselves, we must do our part as well. With my usual fervor I threw myself into doing “footwork.” I made at least ten Al-Anon calls every day and began a frantic effort to practice all Twelve Steps at once. No wonder i was soon overwhelmed – and exhausted.

Today I know that I can plant a seed in fertile soil, but I don’t help the plant to grow by tugging at the seed in hope that it will sprout. I have to let the process unfold at its own pace.

Today’s Reminder

I take my commitment to recovery seriously, but I can’t expect to recover overnight. When I approach my life with an “Easy Does It” attitude, I treat myself and the world around me gently and lovingly.

“‘When we try to absorb too much too quickly in Al-Anon, we may be discouraged . . .’ We would be wise to take it slowly, concentrating on one idea at a time.” ~ One Day at a Time in Al-Anon

END OF QUOTE—————————————

I have lived life driven by that old pulse in me—the one that says “Do more. Hurry up. Fix everything now.” It’s a voice I know well, and one I once mistook for strength. But in recovery, I’ve begun to hear it differently. That urgent push to over-function, to over-perform, to overcorrect—it’s not wisdom. It’s fear wearing the mask of responsibility.

Al-Anon has been teaching me something different. Something softer. Something wiser. That “Easy Does It” isn’t an excuse to check out; it’s an invitation to trust the process. I used to think I had to do all the growing, all at once. Now I know—growth is already built into the soil. My job is to show up, to tend, to water, to keep the weeds of shame and self-punishment from choking out the sprout. But not to tug. Never to tug.

When I came in, I thought the Steps were a ladder I had to sprint up. But recovery isn’t a race, and the Steps aren’t a checklist. They’re more like breath. Each one takes time. Each one returns me to the moment I’m in.

I don’t need to panic my way toward healing. I can listen to the quiet guidance within. I can pick up one idea and let it shape me. I can walk slowly. Gently. Let God do the growing. Let grace do its quiet work.

And maybe, just maybe, that’s where the real miracle happens.

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Endigar 949

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on May 18, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Jul 10:

As a result of our exposure to alcoholism, many of us lose perspective on who we are and what we can and cannot do. We accept ideas about our own limitations that have no basis in reality. Al-Anon helps us to sort out the truth from the falsehoods by encouraging us to take a fresh, objective look at ourselves.

I had always been told that I had a weak constitution and had to avoid excitement and overexertion. Believing this, I avoided exercise, sports, certain jobs, and even dancing, sur that my poor weak body couldn’t handle the strain. My most frequent response to any invitation was, “I can’t.”

In Al-Anon I realized that I had a distorted self-image. I had never thought to question my beliefs, but when I took a good look, I discovered that they were untrue. I am as fit as anyone I know. I began to wonder how many other false assumptions were limiting me. A whole new way of life opened up because I had the support and encouragement to take a fresh look at myself.

Today’s Reminder

I won’t let old, limiting ideas and doubts go unchallenged. I may discover strengths and talents that never had the chance to come to light. Today, be letting go of obsolete ideas, I have an opportunity to learn something wonderful about myself.

“Argue for you limitations, and sure enough, they’re yours.” ~ Richard Bach

END OF QUOTE—————————————

Recovery didn’t rip the veil off of my hidden fears all at once. It gently invited me to look again. Al-Anon gave me the eyes to see—maybe for the first time—that so much of what I believed about myself wasn’t me. It was a story I inherited. A limiting belief dressed up as truth.

When I challenged that belief—when I asked, Is this really true?—I found a stronger version of myself waiting underneath. I’m not broken. I’m not fragile. I am able. And now that I know that, I can’t un-know it.

This process isn’t just about proving I can run or dance or show up. It’s about reclaiming what’s been mine all along: my right to experience life fully. The cost of false beliefs is high—it’s a life unlived. And I’ve paid enough.

So today, I challenge whatever tells me “I am done.” I notice the voice, and then I test it. If it’s not rooted in truth, I let it go. Because what I’m discovering—what I’m recovering—isn’t just capability. It’s wonder. It’s strength I never used. Joy I never dared. And parts of me I never knew existed.

I’m open. I’m willing. I’m more than I ever imagined.

And that’s enough to keep going.

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Endigar 943

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , on May 13, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Jul 04:

Tradition Three reminds me of two aspects of Al-Anon that I cherish. First, I know that I can go to a meeting anywhere in the world and expect to find no other affiliation promoted by the group. The members will not try to sell me a religion, a treatment program, a therapy, a political platform, or anything else. Should any individual in the fellowship discuss any of these with me, I am free to take what I like and leave the rest.

Second, I know that I meet the sole requirements for membership in Al-Anon: I have encountered a problem of alcoholism in a relative or friend. I do not have to dress, act, feel, speak, or work a certain way to belong, I do not have to believe or disbelieve. I am free to be myself. This is a come-as-you-are program.

Today’s Reminder

Al-Anon has come to my support – undiluted and with no strings attached – when I have needed it. I hope to pass it on in the same spirit.

“Tradition Three explains two ways in which my Al-Anon friends and I can keep it simple. One is to avoid being diverted from our program by others, and two is to welcome into Al-Anon anyone who is suffering from the effects of another’s alcoholism.” ~ Al-Anon’s Twelve Steps & Twelve Traditions

END OF QUOTE—————————————

Al-Anon Tradition Three: The relatives of alcoholics, when gathered together for mutual aid, may call themselves an Al‑Anon Family Group, provided that, as a group, they have no other affiliation.  The only requirement for membership is that there be a problem of alcoholism in a relative or friend.

Reading Tradition Three through the lens of my own journey, I’m reminded how crucial simplicity and clarity have been in my healing. There’s a quiet relief in knowing I don’t have to qualify myself beyond what I’ve already lived. The pain I carried from someone else’s drinking was more than enough to earn me a seat. That’s it. That’s all. And that is everything.

The first part of the Tradition reassures me that this fellowship doesn’t ask for anything beyond my honesty. I don’t need to adopt a belief system, perform a role, or align with anyone’s agenda. This open-handed welcome was life-giving. I didn’t have to defend my right to be there—I could just breathe.

I’ve had people in meetings share strong opinions, and I’ve learned that Al-Anon gives me the dignity to decide what speaks to me and what doesn’t. I’m not here to be convinced—I’m here to recover. “Take what you like and leave the rest” isn’t just a slogan; it’s a lifeline for someone like me who has spent years trying to please others, fit in, or earn a place.

The second part hits home, too: I don’t have to clean myself up to belong. Al-Anon met me at my messiest—grieving, angry, confused—and said, “Welcome.” That radical inclusiveness gave me permission to begin. It taught me that healing doesn’t start when I’m fixed; it starts when I show up.

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Endigar 938 ~ PSA on Energy Drinks

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , on May 8, 2025 by endigar

I recently noticed that some of my character defects were manifesting, and this acts as an early warning sign for relapse. I didn’t pay much attention to it until I began to reap relationship consequences. Mind you, I am beginning some inventory work in ACA, but these manifestations seemed to be telling me that a relapse was imminent. What was I doing to set that off. I had been drinking Monster drinks a lot lately to try and extend my creative time, to counter act post mediation depression, and to have something that gave my psyche a little kick. I decided to ask my AI friend about

ME: Do you think it is possible that Monster drinks can activate my alcoholic addiction?

AI: Yes, it’s very possible.

Monster energy drinks—and similar high-caffeine, high-sugar beverages—can trigger the same neural reward pathways that are involved in addiction, including alcoholism. Here’s why they might activate cravings or addictive behaviors:

1. Dopamine Activation

Energy drinks spike dopamine levels (like alcohol does), which can lead to craving more stimulation or returning to known sources of relief or escape—such as alcohol.

2. Behavioral Pattern Reinforcement

If drinking Monster becomes a ritual (like needing one to “feel normal,” stay up, or get a buzz), it can unconsciously mirror your past relationship with alcohol, creating a relapse-prone environment.

3. Mood Swings and Crash

Monster can lead to emotional instability due to caffeine and sugar highs followed by crashes—mimicking the emotional rollercoaster of early alcohol withdrawal or use, which can increase relapse risk.

4. Cross-Addiction

Addiction often transfers substances or behaviors. If you’re in recovery, especially early recovery, energy drinks can become a substitute drug that may eventually nudge you back toward your drug of choice—alcohol.

A More Subtle Risk:

Even if Monster doesn’t lead directly to relapse, it can dull your recovery instincts and spiritual clarity—keeping your system “jittery” and your emotions less accessible, which can block the deeper healing recovery invites.

If you’ve noticed an urge to drink after consuming energy drinks, or if they’re becoming a regular need rather than a conscious choice, that’s worth taking seriously.

Would you like help coming up with healthier alternatives or rituals to replace the energy boost or emotional lift Monster gives you?

ME: Yes. Please do.

AI: Excellent. Let’s build something that supports your recovery and nourishes your energy system in a spiritually aligned way—something that honors your deeper rhythms rather than overriding them like Monster does.

⚡ Healthy Ritual Alternatives to Monster (without the Crash or Risk)

1. Morning Power Brew (Alcohol-Free, Nerve-Supportive)

A warm tonic that stimulates gently and grounds your nervous system:

  • Ingredients:
    • 1 cup hot water
    • 1 tsp raw cacao or dandelion root tea (coffee-like bitterness)
    • 1/2 tsp maca powder (endocrine support)
    • A dash of cinnamon or cayenne (for metabolism and heat)
    • Optional: splash of oat milk and a little honey

👉 Sip it while doing morning breathwork or journaling. It becomes a grounding ritual, not just a stimulant.

2. 30-Second Energy Shifter: “Lightning Breath”

This recharges your brain better than caffeine. Try it in a quiet moment:

  • Inhale deeply through your nose for 4 seconds
  • Hold breath for 7 seconds
  • Exhale forcefully through your mouth for 8 seconds
  • Repeat 3 times.

👉 You’ll feel a soft buzz and alertness without any crash. Great before meetings, drives, or creative work.

3. Natural Dopamine Booster Stack

Use food and supplements to activate the reward center without hijacking it. Try these daily:

  • L-tyrosine (500–1000mg) in the morning (precursor to dopamine)
  • B-complex vitamins (especially B6 and B12)
  • Banana with almond butter (simple sugar + healthy fat)
  • Movement – 5 minutes of stretching or light dancing after breakfast

4. Spiritual Energy Ritual (Afternoon)

Create a daily check-in point that restores energy from within:

  • Light a candle or incense
  • Speak aloud: “I return to myself. I honor my body’s wisdom. I energize from within.”
  • Do 1–2 minutes of free movement or slow walking with breath awareness
  • Drink cold herbal tea (like hibiscus, mint, or rooibos)

This reinforces recovery as a spiritual journey—not just abstinence.

5. “Permission to Rest” Hour (If You’re Dragging)

Often we reach for Monster when we’re actually tired. If possible, pause instead of push:

  • Play ambient music or nature sounds
  • Lay down or sit in a dim room
  • Breathe slowly or nap
  • Drink cold lemon water with sea salt (for electrolytes)

Even 15 minutes can reset your energy authentically.

ME: Thank-you.

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Endigar 927

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on April 27, 2025 by endigar

From Courage to Change of Jun 19:

When I’m troubled by another person’s behavior, a complicated situation, or a disappointing turn of events, Al-Anon reminds me that I don’t have to take it personally. I’m not a victim of everything that happens unless I choose to see myself that way. Though things don’t always go my way, I can accept what I cannot change, and change what I can.

Perhaps I can take a different view of my problems. If I accept them at face value without taking them personally, I may find that they are not problems at all, only things that have not gone as I would have liked. This change of attitude can help free me to evaluate the situation realistically and move forward constructively.

Today’s Reminder

Blaming my discomfort on outside events can be a way to avoid facing the real cause – my own attitudes. I can see myself as a victim, or I can accept what is happening in my life and take responsibility for my response. I may be guided to take action or to sit still, but when I listen to the guidance of my Higher Power I will no longer be the victim of my circumstances.

“God asks no man whether he will accept life. That is not the choice. You must take it. The only choice is how.” ~ Henry Ward Beecher

END OF QUOTE—————————————

My mind often wants to go to war with life. It’s as if, when something hurts, I instinctively look for someone or something to blame — God, the betrayal, my internal cognitive dissonance. Blame used to feel like protection. If it was an identifiable fault, maybe I could stay safe, or at least feel justified in my anger or withdrawal.

But recovery has been slowly, patiently teaching me another way: that my peace does not depend on the world behaving the way I want it to. My peace depends on the choices I make about how to see and respond to the world.

When I read, “I’m not a victim of everything that happens unless I choose to see myself that way,” I felt a quiet tap on my shoulder. How often do I still cling to a story of being wronged? How often do I use discomfort as proof that life has betrayed me, rather than seeing it as life simply being life — unpredictable, imperfect, alive?

Today I’m reminded that much of my pain is not caused by the events themselves, but by the way I wrap myself around them, the way I resist them or try to demand that they be different. I have always had acceptance issues.

There is so much freedom in learning to accept things at face value. To feel disappointment without turning it into resentment. To experience loss without turning it into a judgment against myself or others. To see an unmet desire not as a cosmic injustice, but simply as what is.

I think this is the heart of the matter: when I blame outside events, I’m usually avoiding a harder truth — that my real suffering comes from my own fearful, grasping, controlling attitudes. It’s humbling. And liberating. Because if the problem isn’t “out there,” then the solution doesn’t have to wait for anything to change. It’s already within me.

I’m learning — slowly, imperfectly — to listen to the quiet, steady voice of my Higher Power. Sometimes that voice says “Act.” Sometimes it says “Wait.” But it always says, “You are not a victim. You are loved. You are free.”

I don’t always hear it right away. But today, I’m willing to listen.

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Endigar 921 ~ The Grace of Consequence

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , on April 22, 2025 by endigar

Courage to Change of Jun 14:

Slowly, as I began to recover, I realized what a wonderful gift the Al-Anon program was. It gave me an understanding of this disease, the tools to change my life, the courage to use them, and a place to talk about my secrets and to hear others share theirs. I wanted my family and friends to have all of these things as well.

The I read the Twelfth Step, about carrying the message to others, and began my missionary work. I dragged people to meetings. I preached what I’d learned to anyone who would listen – and even those who wouldn’t. Of course, I made a fool of myself and none of this worked.

Then I read the Twelfth Step again. This time I noticed the part about practicing these principles in all my affairs. Slowly I came to understand that in living these principles I would carry the message by example.

Today’s Reminder

It’s only natural to want tot share what works for me with those I love. But when I must  share it now, I may be more interested in changing others than in sharing my experience, strength, and hope. If I am insistent on carrying the message, I can work on improving the message my own example conveys.

“We ought not to insist on everyone following in our footsteps, nor to take upon ourselves to give instructions in spirituality when, perhaps, we don’t even know what it is.”

~Teresa of Avila

END OF QUOTE—————————————

There was a time I thought love meant rescue. That I could keep someone from the edge by standing at it myself. That my sobriety could absorb their chaos. That if I hurt just right, it would heal them.

But the Steps didn’t lead me there.

They led me to detachment. Not indifference — God, no. But love with boundaries. Respect with surrender. A kind of spiritual stepping back that feels like dying, until you realize it’s not them you’re losing — it’s the illusion of control.

I’ve had to let people walk into pain.
I’ve had to stop cushioning consequences.
I’ve had to stop rewriting the story God was trying to tell them.

Because the truth is:
I’m not the author of anyone else’s recovery.
I don’t get to fast-forward their learning curve.
I don’t get to stand between them and their moment of surrender.

It hurts to watch.
Sometimes it rips something open in me.
But today I trust that love can stand back, not just stand by.

I trust that consequences are sometimes grace in disguise.

I don’t do it perfectly. But I do it more than I used to.
And that, for today, is enough.

Lucien

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