Daily Reprieve

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“There was once a very small town with a narrow cobblestone lane that ran north to south through the town. In the center of the town, the lane was lined on both sides with many small kiosks for food, tea, and all the other items needed for living. There were numerous other lanes and paths that ran both parallel and perpendicular to the main lane that went through the center of town. One of the rules of this town was that all donkeys, which most of the town people used to carry their goods, had to be tethered just outside the town center in a special area designed just for them.

Unfortunately, one day one of the townspeople forgot to tether his donkey securely and it got loose, wandered down into the center of town, and settled several yards before the tea kiosk on the north end of the lane blocking access to anyone attempting to walk south down the lane. Now this particular donkey, who was very big and very stubborn and was used to getting his own way, refused to move as people tried to talk him or even shove him out of the way. Since no one could get by the donkey, a crowd began to gather. Those brave souls who tried to slip in front of or behind the donkey to get to their favorite shop would most often receive a swift kick. Since the owner was nowhere to be found, the townspeople became exasperated. The donkey was ruining their day.

As they were discussing what to do, one of them looked north up the lane and noticed a famous Taoist master, who often came to town for some tea, watching their activities from some distance away. “Ah, he will know what to do one of them said to the others. Let’s watch and learn from him.” The Taoist master continued walking toward them until he reached one of the perpendicular lanes, where he turned and disappeared. The townspeople stared in disbelief. “He always walks this way to get his tea,” one of them said. “Where has he gone?” In confusion, they then returned to figuring out how to get past the donkey. A few minutes later the Taoist master suddenly appeared at the south end of the lane, on the other side of the donkey, walking north toward the tea kiosk. With a smile on his face, he waved to the townspeople as he entered the kiosk to get his tea. It didn’t take the townspeople long to realize that he had simply bypassed the donkey by making an extra effort to walk around the block.”

~ Extracted from [https://dennislewisblog.com/2009/08/12/taoist-donkey-secret-bypassing-obstacle/]

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I am working yet another 12 Step program in ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunction). My first sponsor in the program retreated to the safety of his home and devoted himself to family life. As far as I know, he and his family are doing alright. I turned to the man who had been his sponsor and asked that he help me continue forward with the program. He agreed. We had great conversations and I appreciated his intellect. He was helpful to me until we got to the 3rd Step. He seemed to become aggressive toward me and he recognized it. He did not know why and we dismissed it and moved on. It was not something overly hurtful, and was even somewhat playful.

On Labor Day, 2024, I was chairing an AA meeting and all seemed to be going well. But my ACA sponsor had just received some disturbing news about one of his loved ones getting caught up in the web of addiction, and was now in the hospital. The upbeat nature of the sharing in the rooms was more than he could bare, and he shared his pain with us and his feeling of being personally responsible for transferring the disease across generation lines, since it was his granddaughter. He ended his share with “fuck you.” He had said that he didn’t want to dampen the mood and bring us down, and he doubled dipped with a weak attempt to alleviate the dead silence in the room with “I have a joke…never mind.”

I am not sure what he expected in a room of 42 alcoholics, but he was obviously not getting the personal healing or affirmation or…I don’t know. He would share several times more when others in the room tried to respond with traditional AA guidance. Before the meeting was over, many members were just getting up and leaving. I was blind-sided by his behavior. I brought the meeting to an end and went to him afterwards.

“Are you okay?”

He told me he was expressing remorse which he said is a perfectly natural human emotion. I thought to myself that his view of his own behavior was remorse. He apparently did not recognize his own aggression.

It did not make sense to me that he was feeling remorse about something he had absolutely no control over, and felt no remorse over something he should have supreme control over. He was no new-comer to the rooms.

“Is there anything I can do to be helpful?”

He said that maybe I could pray to my Higher Power. But he said it in a way that I did not know whether he was being serious or sarcastic.

I left and spent time praying to try and understand what had just happened. Early in my recovery period, I had shown my ass a few times in the room. I had hurt for the loss of my stepson to a drug overdose. I tried to focus on the part of his expression that I related to. But I could not shake the feeling that something ugly had just happened.

I called my AA Sponsor who told me about being at the mercy of emotions sometimes in sharing in the rooms and having to live with the consequences. I talked to several other people I trust. One who knew me more than anyone ever has, and one that was actually present in the room at the time.

The next day my ACA sponsor apologized to the group for violating AA protocol, “but I do not apologize for my thoughts.” He sounded like someone who was coerced into giving an apology. I could not even remember the particulars of his thoughts. It was the emotion of anger being vomited out on the unsuspecting that stayed with me. But that was my perspective. I decided to reach out directly to him via text, because he has a habit of talking over people when in direct communication. I am more at home with writing.

I suppose it would be unfair for me to reveal exactly what he said, because he spoke freely trusting me. But I am sure there are many that were in the room on Labor Day who felt their trust had been violated. Never the less, I will speak in generalities about that text communications. I will quote myself exactly and relay generally his response.

“I am not sure if you were being sarcastic or genuine, but I have reached to the Infinite Lonely (what I call the God of my understanding) to communicate with the Most High (what he calls the God of his understanding) requesting favor and protection for your grand daughter.

Are you angry or carrying a resentment toward me? In looking back to Monday (Labor Day), is there something I could have done better in chairing the meeting?”

He told me that Monday was not about me and he stated plainly that I was doing what I was supposed to do. He expressed a feeling of closeness to me.

He said that he was concerned that everybody in AA has an oatmeal answer for everything. He seemed to regret that he expected something different. He stated that he had done too much personal work and as a result is keenly aware of human behavior. He said that his problem was that he became impatient with everyone and that he should have been more accepting of people who just don’t know.

His mind imaged the end of the world being populated only by people from AA. Would that be the best examples of humanity? He stated that we both knew that would not be true.

He then turned to my assertion that I had spoken to my Higher Power to speak to his Higher Power about his granddaughter and said something I find interesting. Here I will quote his words exactly to avoid losing anything in my paraphrase.

“You can choose a ready guide from some celestial voice. If you choose not to decide you still have made a choice. You can choose from phantom fear or kindness that can kill. I will choose a path that’s real. I will choose free will.” (I later learned that this is a quote from Rush’s song, Free Will).

I like this as a stand alone quote. But in context with what we were talking about it felt a bit like a backhanded critique of my assertion. I try to push my personal paranoia down. He said, as if it was to make the relevance of the above quote clearer that he is not a group think sort of guy. Again, I relate but don’t actually understand the relevance.

He ended that conversation with an assertion that he knows he unintentionally confuses folks in the rooms, but he will not compromise the freedom he has found through ACA. He expressed gratitude to AA for his sobriety and ACA for his freedom.

I also want to be free in the working of my own program. I don’t want to suppress who I am to keep the interstate of his communication unobstructed. So, I sent the following text to him:

“I will say that I left that meeting hurt, confused, and defensive. I was not the only one. There was a mass exodus toward the end of the meeting. Your expression of remorse came out as anger and contention and blindsided me. A lot of my reaction stemmed from my own past with playing diplomat for explosive emotions. Isn’t the exercise of freedom at the expense of others a form of dominance? I relate to your anguish and remorse. And I have seen meetings absorb a lot of pain for individuals. But your intellect and presence coupled with the shotgun proclamation of “fuck you” felt like an assault. I think you could have managed that better with more consideration for the collateral damage to those who have less time with the program. I strongly suspect that your words should have been shared with your sponsor first. I am going to pull back and work the moral inventory of my ACA with my VA counselor to give time to heal. I do love and respect you. And I wish you to be always free. Just let me get out of the way first ;-)”

This did not seem to set well with him. I will quote exactly what follows because he demonstrated to me that he is likely to repeat his lack of consideration and combativeness in that particular fellowship:

“I appreciate you informing me of your feelings but as many people as you saw move away, many moved toward me. I don’t intend to explain myself to anybody. Sorry your feelings were hurt. Maybe a little more time will give you a thicker skin so you can understand things that aren’t as warm and fuzzy as you’d like to see them. You don’t know this, but along with you, I pick up on a regular basis a number of sponsees and with my methodology work them through the steps. Go ahead and be the master of ceremony in the meeting. Everybody loves you and I do too. Thanks for being the voice of the hurt and suffering.

Maybe you’ll be able to be more consistent in working the ACA program with someone else. It might possibly open your eyes to the codependency that regularly displays itself in the rooms of AA…but then again, you might not be ready for it.

If you decide you want to continue, I’ll be available. I have a question: How many people are you working with having completed your 12 steps? I’ll be glad to show you my schedule if you want to see it and that’s not brag, that’s fact.

If I am not mistaken, I got your ACA sponsor through the 12 steps of AA and ACA. He wasn’t able to maintain his program. Real nice guy. I don’t want to be unkind but you may want to apply a firmer hand with your sponsees instead of becoming their buddies.

Please respond. I’d like to hear what you think.”

So, I responded:

“I think you are effective. I most certainly will not argue that I have work to do on myself. It seems you are angry with me and seek to push a button. I do not wish to engage further.”

He continued:

“It’s not possible for you to provoke me to anger and I’m not here to argue, but maybe in 20 years you’ll be able to see it. I see a lot of people get drunk on the emotional side of the program. There is a lots of “love” going around.

I’m done.”

I document this so that I don’t have to repeat myself for those who know me face to face and wonder why I am making some changes in my participation. Feedback from readers is always welcome, and I know this is probably too personal to be blogged. But writing is the best exorcist of my personal demons.

I am looking for a way around the donkey in the alley.

NOTE: I have kept specific information such as names and locations out to protect anonymity. Only those who know me in recovery will be able to identify the players in this drama.