Daily Reprieve

From the Daily Reflections of December 2;

Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, . . .  (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 106)

As I continued to go to meetings and work the Steps, something began to happen to me. I felt confused because I wasn’t sure what it was that I was feeling, and then I realized I was experiencing serenity. It was a good feeling, but where had it come from? Then I realized it had come “. . . as the result of these steps.” The program may not always be easy to practice, but I had to acknowledge that my serenity had come to me after working the Steps. As I work the Steps in everything I do, practicing these principles in all my affairs, now I find that I am awake to God, to others, and to myself. The spiritual awakening I have enjoyed as the result of working the Steps is the awareness that I am no longer alone.

END OF QUOTE

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 NOTE:  CLICK THE IMAGE if you would like to know why I used this image of Michael Corvin in his hybrid state when talking about a spiritual awakening.

My spiritual life began long before I activated my alcoholism or sought recovery from that hopeless state of the resulting spiritual bankruptcy.  As a child of seven I responded to the evangelical call to turn my will and my life over to the Lord Jesus Christ.  As a child, as a teen, and ultimately, as a young man I was water baptized.  I was a very wet Christian.  By the age of 21, I had read the Bible from cover to cover, and a short time later I experienced what I believed to be the Baptism in the Holy Spirit, and eventually spoke in tongues.  For a short period of time I was ordained to minister, and then renounced that ordination.

The chaos storm began to unfold in power as my religious expression became more empty.  I experienced the death of my pre-born infant son.  I experienced divorce and the kidnapping of my children by my wife lost in a PTSD nightmare stoked by a religious witch-hunt. Finally, the complete evaporation of my faith left me a desolate soul.  I started drinking because I did not want to commit suicide.  In a few years the disease would consume me and my will was inadequate to stop me from self-destructive drinking.  I was too selfish to become a weeping martyr and so I sought help while in the military.

Two rehabs, and many, many meetings later I began to piece together a spiritual faith (or disciplined intuitive knowing).  I started this blog as I floundered about in the process.  I knew the power of religious control to hijack a potent spiritual awakening.  I am resistant and wary when members find religion and try to improve AA with the “Big Big Book.”  I discovered thirteen saving heresies in the 12 Step program that kept me coming back.

In early sobriety I experienced the death of my step-son to an overdose.  I experienced the death of my mother.  I have often ridden in the relapse rodeo.  My spiritual re-awakening is seasoned with caution.  I have seen how addictive spiritual experiences can be.  I prefer the practical morality to ground the pursuit of recovery magic.  Living in this balance with serenity is my 12 step spiritual awakening.  I no longer feel ignored by Gomu (God of my understanding) or useless to my fellows.  I am no longer alone.  My fear grows weaker.  My life becomes more potent.

QUALIFICATION:  I respect the very real possibility that religion may have positive things to offer and that the greatest path for some individuals may include religion.  The religion I despise is that which is anti-human and does not honor the free will of the individual.  Dominance without consent is predatory.  The duress of an eternal hell robs individuals of the ability to consent and makes God a sociopath.  I see nothing useful in such an approach in a free society.  Theocratic fascism must fall for individual freedom to rise.

From the Daily Reflections of December 1;

Our Twelfth Step also says that as a result of practicing all the Steps, we have each found something called a spiritual awakening. . . . A.A.’s manner of making ready to receive this gift lies in the practice of the Twelve Steps in our program.   (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, pages 106 – 107)

I remember my sponsor’s answer when I told him that the Steps were “suggested.” He replied that they are “suggested” in the same way that, if you were to jump out of an airplane with a parachute, it is “suggested” that you pull the ripcord to save your life. He pointed out that it was “suggested” I practice the Twelve Steps, if I wanted to save my life. So I try to remember daily that I have a whole program of recovery based on all Twelve of the “suggested” Steps.

END OF QUOTE

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The Twelfth Step holds a bold promise in response to the completion of the step work process; whatever I experience upon completion is a “Spiritual Awakening.”  My transformation will include a desire to spread the message that the spiritual awakening is possible, and it will cause me to practice the principles of the steps in every area of my life beyond the rooms of AA.  The spiritual awakening is the goal.  It will change me.  It will spread beyond me.  I am the burning bush experience.

From the Daily Reflections of November 29;

To us, however, it represents far more than a sound public relations policy. It is more than a denial of self-seeking. This Tradition is a constant and practical reminder that personal ambition has no place in A.A. In it, each member becomes an active guardian of our Fellowship.   (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 183)

The basic concept of humility is expressed in the Eleventh Tradition: it allows me to participate completely in the program in such a simple, yet profound, manner; it fulfills my need to be an integral part of a significant whole. Humility brings me closer to the actual spirit of togetherness and oneness, without which I could not stay sober. In remembering that every member is an example of sobriety, each one living the Eleventh Tradition, I am able to experience freedom because each one of us is anonymous.

END OF QUOTE

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So there is another power for anonymity.  It makes me a part of the group, and thus a protector of it.

I heard three things in the meeting this morning;

“You are never too dumb for this program, but sometimes you can be too smart.”

“When you are reading the Big Book, don’t read the white parts, read the black.”

“Alcoholism is a disease that demands to be treated, either with alcohol or with meetings.”

These are protective words reinforcing humility and saving me from terminal uniqueness.  Anonymity is surprisingly powerful.

From the Daily Reflections of November 28;

Through many painful experiences, we think we have arrived at what that policy ought to be. It is the opposite in many ways of usual promotional practice. We found that we had to rely upon the principle of attraction rather than of promotion.   (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, pages 180 – 181)

While I was drinking I reacted with anger, self-pity and defiance against anyone who wanted to change me. All I wanted then was to be accepted by another human simply as I was and, curiously, that is what I found in A.A. I became the custodian of this concept of attraction, which is the principle of our Fellowship’s public relations. It is by attraction that I can best reach the alcoholic who still suffers.

I thank God for having given me the attraction of a well-planned and established program of Steps and Traditions. Through humility and the support of my fellow sober members, I have been able to practice the A.A. way of life through attraction, not promotion.

END OF QUOTE

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Attraction is better than promotion for me because I associate promotion with deceptions in sales or religion.  It is a form of social control that I distrust, especially when my alcoholic paranoia is active.  I feel the policy of attraction allows my free will assertion to respond at a time when I am ready and open for change.  No one can know when that time has occurred, but me.

From the Daily Reflections of November 27;

In the beginning, the press could not understand our refusal of all personal publicity. They were genuinely baffled by our insistence upon anonymity. Then they got the point. Here was something rare in the world —a society which said it wished to publicize its principles and its work, but not its individual members. The press was delighted with this attitude. Ever since, these friends have reported A.A. with an enthusiasm— which the most ardent members would find hard to match.   (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 182)

It is essential for my personal survival and that of the Fellowship that I not use A.A. to put myself in the limelight. Anonymity is a way for me to work on my humility. Since pride is one of my most dangerous shortcomings, practicing humility is one of the best ways to overcome it. The Fellowship of A.A. gains worldwide recognition by its various methods of publicizing its principles and its work, not by its individual members advertising themselves. The attraction created by my changing attitudes and my altruism contributes much more to the welfare of A.A. than self-promotion.

END OF QUOTE

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The protective nature of anonymity revealed itself as a lesson in the power of humility.  I do not fear the stigma of being discovered as an alcoholic the way those in the beginning might have.  I do fear how easy it is for me to revel in recognition in a most obscenely exaggerated manner.  My hindsight provides me with a humiliating view of me fighting to be right and recognized and affirmed at the cost of relationships I hold dear.  Now, I am better about catching myself.

I must say, though, that there is a balance between withdrawal and anonymity.  There is a difference between humility and self-loathing.   AA has been important in turning my soul-sucking humiliations into serenity laden humility.  I am grateful.

From the Daily Reflections of November 26;

People who symbolize causes and ideas fill a deep human need. We of A.A. do not question that. But we do have to soberly face the fact that being in the public eye is hazardous, especially for us.   (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 181)

As a recovered alcoholic I must make an effort to put into practice the principles of the A.A. program, which are founded on honesty, truth and humility. While I was drinking I was constantly trying to be in the limelight. Now that I am conscious of my mistakes and of my former lack of integrity, it would not be honest to seek prestige, even for the justifiable purpose of promoting the A.A. message of recovery. Is the publicity that centers around the A.A. Fellowship and the miracles it produces not worth much more? Why not let the people around us appreciate by themselves the changes that A.A. has brought in us, for that will be a far better recommendation for the Fellowship than any I could make.

END OF QUOTE

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Is this concern somewhat outdated?  AA has entered the world stage and matured into a mainstream institution.  It is well known.  I think there is even less reason to risk putting our individual lives under the public microscope in order to offer tangible evidence that it works to the general public.  We do not have the rock star potential that the early founders and their crew did.  The impossible happened and the witnesses to the event have spoken.  I think the current membership will have its hands full providing speakers to share experience, strength, and hope to the still suffering masses who come to us and meet us within the rooms of our Fellowship.

From the Daily Reflections of November 25;

In the years before the publication of the book, “Alcoholics Anonymous,” we had no name. . . . By a narrow majority the verdict was for naming our book “The Way Out.” . . . One of our early lone members . . . found exactly twelve books already titled “The Way Out.”. . . So “Alcoholics Anonymous” became first choice. That’s how we got a name for our book of experience, a name for our movement and, as we are now beginning to see, a tradition of the greatest spiritual import.   (“A.A. Tradition:  How It Developed,” page 35-36)

Beginning with Bill’s momentous decision in Akron to make a telephone call rather than a visit to the hotel bar, how often has a Higher Power made itself felt at crucial moments in our history! The eventual importance that the principle of anonymity would acquire was but dimly perceived, if at all, in those early days. There seems to have been an element of chance even in the choice of a name for our Fellowship.

God is no stranger to anonymity and often appears in human affairs in the guises of “luck,” “chance,” or “coincidence.” If anonymity, somewhat fortuitously, became the spiritual basis for all of our Traditions, perhaps God was acting anonymously on our behalf.

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It seems that anonymity sneaked into the fellowship and grew from a protective device to a spiritual pursuit of humility.  I read an interesting article where Dr. Bob said that we are also violating this principle if we transform this call to anonymity into a right to privacy within the fellowship.  Hiding our last names from one another makes us somewhat useless to the drunk in need of connection. I have never considered that, and I am probably deeply guilty of this form of violation.  Relationships require me to move from lurking to loving, which requires finding ways of getting close to one another.  This speculation I will commit to prayer and meditation.

From the Daily Reflections of November 24;

Be quick to see where religious people are right. Make use of what they offer.   (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 87)

I do not claim to have all the answers in spiritual matters, any more than I claim to have all the answers about alcoholism. There are others who are also engaged in a spiritual search. If I keep an open mind about what others have to say, I have much to gain. My sobriety is greatly enriched, and my practice of the Eleventh Step more fruitful, when I use both the literature and practices of my Judeo-Christian tradition, and the resources of other religions. Thus, I receive support from many sources in staying away from the first drink.

END OF QUOTE

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It does seem to make sense to expand the tools I have to use in my 11th step pursuit.  Whatever works, I will use as long as it is not at the expense of another human being.  No midnight pacts that end in human sacrifice or religious participation that requires me to control or humiliate others to feel accepted.  The tools must be from a source that reinforces the saving reality of a loving Gomu (God of my understanding).

From the Daily Reflections of November 23;

Believe more deeply. Hold your face up to the Light, even though for the moment you do not see.  (As Bill Sees It, page 3)

One Sunday in October, during my morning meditation, I glanced out the window at the ash tree in our front yard. At once I was overwhelmed by its magnificent, golden color! As I stared in awe at God’s work of art, the leaves began to fall and, within minutes, the branches were bare. Sadness came over me as I thought of the winter months ahead, but just as I was reflecting on autumn’s annual process, God’s message came through. Like the trees, stripped of their leaves in the fall, sprout new blossoms in the spring, I had had my compulsive, selfish ways removed by God in order for me to blossom into a sober, joyful member of A.A. Thank you, God, for the changing seasons and for my ever-changing life.

END OF QUOTE

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There is a danger looking directly into the light of the Sun, or so I’ve heard. The brighter the light, the greater the risk that a direct gaze will damage my eyesight.  These mortal eyes are adapted to looking at the effects of light.  I see color and movement and the unfolding of life as light strikes and reflects from my surroundings.

The spiritual Universe comes from the infinity within and shines on all I look at.  In this case, if I desire to look directly into this light, I must focus on the reflection provided to me by a mirror.  I must know me, and the light that comes from within.  Getting to know God is also a journey of becoming familiar with the brightest version of mySelf.

Maybe the ability to look directly into the light requires the blinding of my mortal eyes, the stripping of the leaves of known beauty, so that the seasons bring a truer version of the Tree.  Infinite One, open my immoral eyes.