Daily Reprieve

From the Daily Reflections of March 04;

The essence of all growth is a willingness to make a change for the better and then an unremitting willingness to shoulder whatever responsibility this entails. (As Bill Sees It, page 115).

By the time I had reached Step Three I had been freed of my dependence on alcohol, but bitter experience has shown me that continuous sobriety requires continuous effort. Every now and then I pause to take a good look at my progress. More and more of my garden is weeded each time I look, but each time I also find new weeds sprouting where I thought I had made my final pass with the blade. As I head back to get the newly sprouted weed (it’s easier when they are young), I take a moment to admire how lush the growing vegetables and flowers are, and my labors are rewarded. My sobriety grows and bears fruit.

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For me, it is important to tell the difference between responsibility and slavery. Responsibility is the result of my informed consent, my personal plan of growth, and my devotion to aggressive self-care. The purpose for weeding the garden is to create a fertile environment for the development of crops and the birth of beauty in my own heart.

Slavery weeding is a facade masquerading as responsibility. There is no personal investment in the soil of my heart through thoughtful planning or a strong “yes!” of consent to that hope delivered in meditation with my Higher Power. I comply to but never obey the voice of my strongest Self. I never own the Garden in which I labor.

I have run from slavery and then found myself running from responsibility as well. My work strengthens me, my slavery buries me. It is important for me to know the difference when I am called to til the ground. AA and some other intimate voices have helped me to love my work.

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From the Daily Reflections of March 05;

“But just how, in these circumstances, does a fellow ‘take it easy?’ That’s what I want to know.”  (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 26).

I was never known for my patience. How many times have I asked, “Why should I wait, when I can have it all right now?” Indeed, when I was first presented the Twelve Steps, I was like the proverbial “kid in a candy store.” I couldn’t wait to get to Step Twelve; it was surely just a few months’ work, or so I thought! I realize now that living the Twelve Steps of A.A. is a lifelong undertaking.

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I find it amusing that the primary lesson of asking for help and making connections in order to stay sober is not something I easily generalize to the rest of my life issues. I have dealt with anxiety by impatiently returning to isolated thinking. After years of private struggle producing public consequences, I have finally discovered real solutions by reaching out for help. Even so, resisting that tendency to interpret success as quitting time is a lifelong task indeed.

From the Daily Reflections of December 19;

When dealing with an alcoholic, there may be a natural annoyance that a man could be so weak, stupid and irresponsible. Even when you understand the malady better, you may feel this feeling rising.  (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 139).

Having suffered from alcoholism, I should understand the illness, but sometimes I feel annoyance, even contempt, toward a person who cannot make it in A.A. When I feel that way, I am satisfying my false sense of superiority and I must remember, but for the grace of God, there go I.

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I dislike the phrase “but for the grace of God, there go I.” It implies to me that in spite of the grace of God, there goes he or she. It does not give me a sense of gratitude to witness others marching forward to their inevitably tragic end. Too often I have been that creature that is aptly described as weak, stupid, and irresponsible. Sometimes I suffer survivor’s remorse when I see others fall and I am still standing. There is an unnerving randomness to this recovery. At least it appears that way in the beginning.

That one thing that seems to separate me as a survivor from them as casualties is the ability to have a selfishness that pushes me to connect with others. My counselor prefers to call it self care, but it is more aggressive than my isolated selfishness, not less. It is not gentle. I strive for serenity.  I have chest pounding confidence in humility. And when others fall, I must simply honor their surrender and let them go because I cannot teach others to snarl at death. This program is not for those who need it, but for those who want it. And this seems to excite the God of my understanding.

“Listen, and understand! The Disease is out there! It can’t be bargained with. It can’t be reasoned with. It doesn’t feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead. . . Come with me, if you want to live.” ~ paraphrase of the words of Kyle Reese in the 1984 Terminator.