Daily Reprieve

From the Daily Reflections of February 7;

True humility and an open mind can lead us to faith, and every A.A. meeting is an assurance that God will restore us to sanity if we rightly relate ourselves to Him.  (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 33).

My last drunk had landed me in the hospital, totally broken. It was then that I was able to see my past float in front of me. I realized that, through drinking, I had lived every nightmare I had ever had. My own self-will and obsession to drink had driven me into a dark pit of hallucinations, blackouts and despair. Finally beaten, I asked for God’s help. His presence told me to believe. My obsession for alcohol was taken away and my paranoia has since been lifted. I am no longer afraid. I know my life is healthy and sane.

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I have faced the reality that faith in alcohol or other mind altering substances will not answer the vast need in my being for a connection and place in this Universe. It cannot be answered with human relationships or stimulation. I need to find my Higher Power and it can only be done in my own personal path of courage. No one can manufacture a life-saving faith for me. It begins with a willingness to believe and a commitment to personal integrity and truth. It ends with an overwhelming surrender of this life to the God of my understanding.

From the Daily Reflections of February 6;

Therefore, Step Two is the rallying point for all of us. Whether agnostic, atheist, or former believer, we can stand together on this Step.  (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 33).

I feel that A.A. is a God-inspired program and that God is at every A.A. meeting. I see, believe, and have come to know that A.A. works, because I have stayed sober today. I am turning my life over to A.A. and to God by going to an A.A. meeting. If God is in my heart and everyone else’s, then I am a small part of a whole and I am not unique. If God is in my heart and He speaks to me through other people, then I must be a channel of God to other people. I should seek to do His will by living spiritual principles and my reward will be sanity and emotional sobriety.

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How drab it is to hear something like, “I am not unique.” I know that I need to connect and I need to find the ways that I am similar to those in the Fellowship rather than the ways that I am different. It is a difficult process when you have always felt odd and at odds with those around you, no matter what group you are in. I struggle with connecting and staying connected. And that problem does not seem to be unique to me as an alcoholic. Thus, maybe it is my problem and my solution that I share in common. That is where I work to connect in AA.

From the Daily Reflections of February 5;

“The minute I stopped arguing, I could begin to see and feel. Right there, Step Two gently and very gradually began to infiltrate my life. I can’t say upon what occasion or upon what day I came to believe in a Power greater than myself, but I certainly have that belief now. To acquire it, I had only to stop fighting and practice the rest of A.A.’s program as enthusiastically as I could.”  (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 27)

After years of indulging in a “self-will run riot,” Step Two became for me a glorious release from being all alone. Nothing is so painful or insurmountable in my journey now. Someone is always there to share life’s burdens with me. Step Two became a reinforcement with God, and I now realize that my insanity and ego were curiously linked. To rid myself of the former, I must give up the latter to one with far broader shoulders than my own.

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The link between ego and sanity does not surprise me. The ego is merely my sense of self. When it is buffeted in the interactive world, it is shaped into a form that works well in the community of humans. Trust and humility sharpen its ability to cooperate. The malleability of the ego in childhood and adolescence hardens in the furnace of adult life. When distrust severs the interaction of the ego, a shell of protective pride allows it to develop out of proportion to the individual life it was designed to guide and many internal mutations develop.

The process in the 12 Step Fellowship is the breaking of that shell and the rejection of the mutation in favor of something new. This psychic change defies an explanation that I am satisfied with. I have seen it happen in the rooms of AA, and I am surprised when I see that it has happened to me.

Image Credit: Human Metamorphosis by Taylor James