Daily Reprieve

From the Daily Reflections of January 11;

Only Step One, where we made the 100 percent admission we were powerless over alcohol, can be practiced with absolute perfection.  (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 68)

Long before I was able to obtain sobriety in A.A., I knew without a doubt that alcohol was killing me, yet even with this knowledge, I was unable to stop drinking. So, when faced with Step One, I found it easy to admit that I lacked the power to not drink. But was my life unmanageable? Never! Five months after coming into A.A., I was drinking again and wondered why.

Later on, back in A.A. and smarting from my wounds, I learned that Step One is the only Step that can be taken 100%. And that the only way to take it 100% is to take 100% of the Step. That was many twenty-four hours ago and I haven’t had to take Step One again.

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To succeed at that which destroys my life and all that I love is no success at all.  My alcoholic life is one of steady debilitation and it cannot be managed. All my plans are designed for damage control and finding ways to endure the demands of steady intoxication. I can only seriously entertain ideas of empowerment and control during periods of abstinence. Once the liquor burns my gut, there is nothing to do but drink more to hide from this humiliating reality.

Outside my connection with Gomu (God of my understanding), I am powerless over alcohol which results in an unmanageable life.

Although I may begin with this knowing, let me not rest in this dark place. Don’t open my eyes and leave me here. If there is no solution, help me to return to the lie.

There is a solution, but it requires that I am completely aware of this reality of my life.

From the Daily Reflections of January 10;

We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery. The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed.  (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 30).

I came to Alcoholics Anonymous because I was no longer able to control my drinking. It was either my wife’s complaining about my drinking, or maybe the sheriff forced me to go to A.A. meetings, or perhaps I knew, deep down inside, that I couldn’t drink like others, but I was unwilling to admit it because the alternative terrified me. Alcoholics Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women united against a common, fatal disease. Each one of our lives is linked to every other, much like the survivors on a life raft at sea. If we all work together, we can get safely to shore.

END OF QUOTE

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What does this delusion of being like other people look like?  Why would I, who value being unique, ever embrace the idea that I am one occurrence of human flesh out of many?  Why do I hide from the reality that my alcoholism makes me more vulnerable to certain self-deceptions than other citizens of the world have to endure?

The delusion to me, is like a cheat code in a computer game.  I observe how normal drinkers live. Inside I know that I am not one of them, but I live out a double life, my own “normal drinker” avatar that allows me to move about, hopefully undetected in the general population and working out a way to live life as both observer and controlled participate. If I am knocked out in the game, I recover enough to recreate myself and start over and over and over . . .until the plug is pulled on this fantasy, by intervention of will or consequence. The advantage of this game is that it is my alcoholic avatar that suffers. The reality is that I am in a self imposed mental vegetative state, a spiritual exile, and a coma of the heart.  The illusion is that there can be a double life at all.

The seduction of the double life and the self-deception is powerful.  It must be smashed to gain sanity and serenity.  This will take a group of real people in real life who understand this brand of insanity.