I promised in my last post that if I found a way out of my dilemma, that I would share it. So here we go.
I decided that I could not stay in the dark place I found myself this morning, and so I got ready to attend a meeting in town. My daughter showed up looking for instruction on how to get to a certain place. It happened to be on the way to the meeting, so I told her to just follow me. She stayed right on me until she was in familiar territory and then waved bye with her sweet smiling face and we parted.
“Death is not a permanent separation.” It still hurts, though.
I got in the meeting and listened to a topic on self-will and how easily it deceives, and can use even what we perceive to be noble motives.
I said nothing. I held onto my chair and kept myself as present as possible. I stayed.
Someone arrived late, whisperd a greeting to a friend, and sat down right in front of me, leaning back so that I felt her back approaching my face. I sit up and see that she is wearing scrubs and her top is on inside out. The tag says “Children’s Hospital.”
“I do care. I want you to care with Me.”
I wanted to leave, because of the periodic tears, but I stayed. Suddenly I knew I had something to share in the meeting. I was being given an opportunity to connect. This meeting was not just about my pain. The room was filled with others who wanted to live. I shared in spite of my darkness. Someone thanked me after the meeting.
Once I was willing to give, I received these words; “Grieving is not just a way of saying good-bye, it is a way of forgiving Me.”
I need to grieve. I could not truly weep because I have been so furious with the God who allowed it all to happen. I need to grieve.
My fourth step is not God’s moral inventory, it is mine.
So I must add the fourth column to my resentment.
WHAT WAS MY PART (Page 67 of Big Book)
“Referring to our list again. Putting out of our minds the wrongs others had done, we resolutely looked for our own mistakes. Where had we been
selfish,
dishonest,
self-seeking,
and frightened?
Though a situation had not been entirely our fault, we tried to disregard the other person involved entirely. Where were we to blame?”
I have had the experience of hearing how alcoholics who have been abused as little children work through this. They did nothing wrong in the situation but were definitely impacted by the traumatic events of their childhood. The question for them became, “How did I react and continue to react to the situation that is unuseful and destructive?” I think it applies in this situation. Regardless of whether God did or did not abuse me as His child, I perceived it as such.
As a result, I was frightened – petrified really. I define selfishness as Isolated Self Concern and Reliance. Most certainly I disconnected from God and others and attempted to gain control over those in my environment. I developed a self-seeking approach to life. I define self-seeking as scheming for Isolated Fantasy Production and Enforcement. I suspect that I developed a habit of dishonesty with myself about what I expected in my relationship with God.
I am at a better place and can continue the moral inventory. I look forward to finishing and doing the fifth step. I do want to finally, truly grieve the loss of my sons, and forgive God. I am not there yet, but I think I am closer.
I covet your thoughts and prayers in my behalf.
My paraphrase of the 3rd step prayer;
God, I offer myself to You – to build with me according to Your will.
Relieve me of the bondage of my isolated lower self so that I may better do Your will.
In the care of my life, take away my difficulties so that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help by drawing from Your power, Your love, and Your way of Life.
Daily Reprieve 
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