Archive for April 15, 2011

Endigar 285

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on April 15, 2011 by endigar

Am I being foolish?  I am sober, must count for something.  Will I ever feel sane?

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Endigar 284

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on April 15, 2011 by endigar

There is something going on.  Stripped of my usual self-expression, I am like a shy little child inside.  I feel that the eye of God is moving over me.  I went to two meetings today, and it was suggested that I also attend a business meeting, get involved.  I took the suggestion.  I ended up on an exploratory team to find profitable events for fund-raising for the CA convention this August. I was also able to talk with someone who was smarting from a recent relapse which helped me to feel useful, and I was able to meet with the one currently sponsoring me through the steps.  He said that it is inevitable that I will lose perspective, and that is why I contact others in the network who will help me bring my perspective back in tune with reality. 

In the course of these activities, I received texts from three different people indicating that I was giving them blank checks in communication, that they were being somewhat hurt by my silence.  But I am truly at a loss.  My core is just out there in the open. 

I had a momentary thought of drinking.  I couldn’t believe it.  I prayed, and intuitively heard that drinking was an option, and I pretty much knew how that would go.  Another option was just to continue to trust and draw from God in spite of my co-dependant relationship with the Higher Power.  I chose the latter, and the obsession vanished. 

I find myself looking at all my relationships, and I wonder if my co-dependency produced such a delusive power that its absence is going to require me to rebuild on a new basis?  I fear that if I retreat to the familiar ways, I will lose access to the new world that might be opening up.  I have no clue how or when I am going to be out of this limbo.  So I am trying to move carefully and not just slide back into well-worn ruts.

I am fearfully hopeful.

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