I want to apologize to those out there who might qualify as my audience. I truly did not mean to vomit my insanity all over you. I talked to my sponsor today, and he suggested a novel idea. I should pray the 4th step prayer for resentments against myself. I am a sick man, how can I be of benefit to me. Interesting. I am better. He also said act as if my Higher Power has this situation in control. I will try.
Archive for June 25, 2009
Endigar 221
Posted in Uncategorized with tags Addiction, Alcoholism, Journal, Life, Personal, Recovery, Spirituality on June 25, 2009 by endigarEndigar 220
Posted in Uncategorized with tags Addiction, Alcoholism, Journal, Life, Personal, Recovery, Spirituality on June 25, 2009 by endigarI think I understand, after some talking with John about this whole deal. I have been equipped with an anti-religion virus protection within, so that I will not suffer the body snatching phenomenon of the religious hi-jack. I desire true clear substance in my spiritual walk. I must make it to work now.
Endigar 219
Posted in Uncategorized with tags Addiction, Alcoholism, Journal, Life, Personal, Recovery, Spirituality on June 25, 2009 by endigarMy dreams where gothic, but not disturbing. My neck is sore. I am tired. And I still don’t know what happened last night. I watched NCIS and Criminal Minds with my Father. But I have done that plenty of times before. Criminal Minds turned me on to Tennessee Williams quotes. It was as if something in me was looking for an escape – this disease? I don’t know.
Endigar 218
Posted in Uncategorized with tags Addiction, Alcoholism, Journal, Life, Personal, Recovery, Spirituality on June 25, 2009 by endigarI don’t know what happened when the sun went down today, but I really don’t like god. Or maybe just the concept of god. And now the anxiety returns. I hate this up and down crap. I want to bleed tonight. To hurt until I am out of my mind with the pain. To cut my flesh and see the red flow, and taste it. What changed? I missed one damn meeting and here I am. Makes no sense. I want to fight – I don’t care if I win or lose – just fight hard. I want to be lost in an eternal orgy of mindless fucking. My heart is racing. I am going to try and get myself back into bed. I wish war would consume this hellish peace, this place of day in day out driving in line, saying bless you when some one sneezes, walking freely not because you are safe, but because you are unimportant. Judged by mindless manipulative drones of a world built on a system of mendacity. The invisible carrot stick of rewards and punishments pitting us against ourselves and each other.
I don’t want to be noticed, scrutinized, judged. I want to be left alone. Or do I? I just don’t want to be drawn and quartered by significant but conflicting passions and devotions.
Finally, a yawn. good night. Dammit! it obviously isn’t a good night. Why did I say that? I will say simply ~ end day.
Daily Reprieve 