Archive for October 16, 2008

Endigar 107

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on October 16, 2008 by endigar

What a difference a meeting can make.  I am much better.  I think I am really an alcoholic.  Thanks to this program I can see the precursor of the actual addictive obsession in the form of previously identified short-comings.  And thanks to the Higher Power for providing a solution once I recognize those warning flags.  Now, if I can just persuade myself to go to bed.

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Enidigar 106

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on October 16, 2008 by endigar

I am saying all the right words because, I know all the right words to say.  I am going to perform an autopsy on my thoughts, looking for the cause of death.  Why do I feel dead today?

What if I am a fake me…a phony Rick?  What if the evaluation was true, even if it was not accurate? 

I ate breakfast with my slave yesterday, then ate secondansies with my Father.  I wrote Endigar 105, and became dizzy.  My ears began to ring as if sirens where going off.  I began to suffer from vertigo, so that I found it difficult to walk.  I retreated to my room to lie down.  The bed was spinning.  Cold sweat.  I slept some, but awoke in no better of a condition.  I vomited several times.  And then it began to clear up.  I was ok. 

I couldn’t sleep.  I slept for a couple of hours.  Played Dungeon Siege II throughout the night.  I wrote a thank-you letter to the Senator.  I talked to my recruiter and he let me know that the second part of my physical had been put off until the 22nd. 

I talked to my sponsee, hoping that listening to his problems would get me “out of my head.”  Not working.  I will go to a meeting. 

But right now, I am not very happy.  I am quietly angry, with me.  And I still feel slightly sick.  When I try to lie down, my neck hurts.  I cannot seem to relax. 

I wear myself out.  My sponsor would probably want me to trace back to something I did that robbed my serenity.  Or didn’t do.  I hate living that way.  That is all I did under the stewardship of religion – second guess myself.

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