Enidigar 106

I am saying all the right words because, I know all the right words to say.  I am going to perform an autopsy on my thoughts, looking for the cause of death.  Why do I feel dead today?

What if I am a fake me…a phony Rick?  What if the evaluation was true, even if it was not accurate? 

I ate breakfast with my slave yesterday, then ate secondansies with my Father.  I wrote Endigar 105, and became dizzy.  My ears began to ring as if sirens where going off.  I began to suffer from vertigo, so that I found it difficult to walk.  I retreated to my room to lie down.  The bed was spinning.  Cold sweat.  I slept some, but awoke in no better of a condition.  I vomited several times.  And then it began to clear up.  I was ok. 

I couldn’t sleep.  I slept for a couple of hours.  Played Dungeon Siege II throughout the night.  I wrote a thank-you letter to the Senator.  I talked to my recruiter and he let me know that the second part of my physical had been put off until the 22nd. 

I talked to my sponsee, hoping that listening to his problems would get me “out of my head.”  Not working.  I will go to a meeting. 

But right now, I am not very happy.  I am quietly angry, with me.  And I still feel slightly sick.  When I try to lie down, my neck hurts.  I cannot seem to relax. 

I wear myself out.  My sponsor would probably want me to trace back to something I did that robbed my serenity.  Or didn’t do.  I hate living that way.  That is all I did under the stewardship of religion – second guess myself.

3 Responses to “Enidigar 106”

  1. retseleniaudnella Says:

    I Pray This… “MY PRAYER”

    “MY PRAYER”

    “I thank You…”

    My Dear Lord, I thank You for this day.
    I thank You for this life, my life; life in body soul and spirit.
    I thank You for my body’s seeing, smelling, hearing, tasting, and touching.
    I thank You for my soul’s breaths and beats, thoughts, pleasures and choices.
    I thank You for spirit’s being, knowledge, wisdom and understanding.

    I thank You for spirit confidence, communion and fellowship with you.
    I thank You for soul friendships, for worths, for dignities, and for purposes.
    I thank You for life as You meant it to be lived, ……according to Your Bible.
    I thank You for a life to be lived by faith, by facts and by feelings.
    I thank You for a life in Your Son, in His love, in His mercy, in His grace.
    I thank You for a life to be lived by submission to Your absolute authority.
    I thank You for a life cognizant of your power, purpose, plan, and presence.
    I thank You for a life to be lived dependant upon Your creative energy.
    I thank You for a life secure in obedience to Your heart.
    I thank You for a life in sweet spirit communion in the Spirit-realm.
    I thank You for a life in context of time and prospects of eternity.
    I thank You that You have taught my heart to believe.
    I believe you, Oh, God can change other people because You have changed me.
    You, Oh God have changed things for me, so with confidence I pray for others.

    “I am blessed…”

    I am blessed because You are a loving God.
    I am blessed because You are a forgiving God.
    I am blessed because You are a merciful God.
    You do not treat me as I deserve, like Hell!
    I am blessed because You are a gracious God.
    You do give to me what I do not deserve, like heaven.
    I am blessed because You are an understanding God.
    I am blessed because You are the God of all wisdom.
    I am blessed because You are the God of all knowing.
    I am blessed because You are the God of all provision, food, shelter and clothing.
    I am blessed because You are the God of all provision, salvation, & sanctification.
    I am blessed because You are the God of all holiness, health and maturity.
    I am blessed because You are the God of all well-being.
    I am blessed because You are God!
    You have done everything for me!
    You bless me and You keep on blessing me.
    I have sinned, and yet You forgive me!

    “Forgive me…”

    Forgive me still for everything I have knowingly done wrong.
    Forgive me still for everything I have unknowingly done wrong.
    Forgive me for everything I have knowingly, not done,
    that I know is right to do.
    Forgive me for everything I have unknowingly not done that is right to do.
    Forgive me please, for my arrogance, my pride, and my rebellion.
    I have said words, thought thoughts, and done deeds, which affront you.
    I have chosen choices that are not satisfying to you,
    though they are pleasing to me.
    I ask you, Oh God, “Will You please forgive me?”

    “I am tempted…”

    Please keep me safe from all danger and harm.
    I am tempted to do harm and danger to myself and to others against you.
    I have a desire to put myself before others and you.
    I am tempted to be selfish and utilize all for me.
    I am tempted to prefer favor at the cost of compromise.
    I am tempted to challenge others for my temporal advantage.
    I am tempted to offend others with words and actions.
    I am tempted to defend myself carnally, rather than trusting You.
    I am tempted with greed for stuff and I desire more than needed.
    I am tempted to criticize, to disparage and to blame others.
    I am tempted exaggerate, prevaricate and embellish the Truth.
    Help me to climb upon the cross with Jesus Christ daily.
    Help me to honestly, sincerely and intentionally die, with Him, to myself.

    “Help me to remember…”

    Moreover, when this world seems to overwhelm me,
    with its cares, with its responsibilities, with its sins,
    with its frustrations, with its pains, and with its injustices help me to remember.
    I pray to You Dear Lord, cause me to remember my Savior Jesus Christ
    and His example to slip away and to find a quiet place to pray.
    Make me to obey Jesus’ lifestyle, calling, walk and work.
    Help me to live like Jesus lived with an eternal perspective in focus.
    Help His response to be my response!
    When the Serpent tempted Your Son, my Saviour, Jesus,
    Jesus quoted Your Holy beloved and known Word.
    Help me to remember Jesus’ willing sacrifice of Heaven to walk this ball of dust.
    Help me to remember Jesus’ sacrifice of angelic worship for the curses of men.
    Help me to remember Jesus’ surrender of the perfections of heaven.
    Help me to remember Jesus’ submissions to the imperfections of earth.
    Help me to remember Jesus’ sacrifice and the pain of the cruel cross.
    Help me to remember that it was not the Romans nor Jews,
    but me that I nailed Jesus to that tree.

    “Enable me…”

    Enable me to make the best of every day, of each opportunity afforded to me.
    Enable me to make every encounter with others
    Enable me to hear You speak to me in Your “Still small Voice”.
    Enable the broadening of my mind.
    Enable me to have the mind of Christ and not the mind of this world, nor myself.
    Do not allow me to whine and whimper, grumble and complain, fuss and fume, over things You allow and cause and over which You have not given me control.
    Enable me to see sin to be as evil as You declare it to be, Oh, God.
    Enable me to acknowledge my own sin to be as evil as it is to You Oh God.
    Enable me to hate my own sin as much as You hate my sin.
    Enable me to hate my own sin as much I myself, hate the sins of others.
    Moreover, when I am sin and when I commit sins,
    enable me to admit it to my self, first.
    Then to do so, without defense, without excuse and without denial.
    Enable me to accept my responsibility.
    Enable me to confess to You in shame, sorrow, and remorse.
    Enable me to cease and to desist, all sin even my most favorites.
    Enable me to live repented, “having turned about face, from hell to heaven”
    Enable me to live repented from Satan toward you.
    Enable me that rather than being selfish and living to my glory,
    honor and satisfaction, I may practice Jesus’ lifestyle.
    Enable me to clear my mind from my ungodly thoughts,
    so that I can think Your Godly thoughts.
    Enable me to live with a new attitude to You, Your attitude.
    Enable me to live with a new gratitude to You, Your gratitude.

    “I confess…”

    I confess with my mouth, with my actions, with my heart and with my mind.
    I have done wrong.
    I confess I have done wrong in my doing, in my being, in my thinking,
    and in my speaking.
    Please forgive me. If You do not forgive me, I shall suffer in hell.
    For I know that I have sinned.
    I confess to my to both, sin and sins worthy the eternal flames.
    May I receive Your forgiveness, Oh God.
    I confess with the meditations of my heart thoughts & intents acceptable to You.

    “I read your Word…”

    Make me so very familiar to Your Holy Word that I too, will have:
    “Thy Words hidden within my heart, that I might not sin against Thee”.
    When I am pushed beyond my comfortable and familiar and preferred limits,
    I will pray, as Jesus prayed, “Not my will, but Thine be done”.
    I know that when I do not pray, You still listen to my heart.
    I know that when I do not read Your Word You still speak to my heart.
    You know my thoughts, what ever they are.
    You observe my deeds, holy or unholy.
    With King David I pray, “Melt me, Cleanse me, Mold me, and Use me.
    Use me to do Your will, Oh God, my Saviour and My Redeemer”.

    “Bless me…”

    Continue to bless me, because I need Your blessing.
    I do not deserve Your blessing!
    I know that I am not worthy, but for Jesus’ sake, bless me!
    Make me a blessing to others, as most others are to me.
    Make me to live my life pleasing to you, Oh God.
    Please make me strong in Jesus Christ.
    Bless me so that I may help the weaker than I, as the stronger than I help me.
    Would You uplift me so that I may speak words of encouragement to others?
    Others have spoken words of encouragement to me.

    “I pray…”

    I pray for those that are lost and cannot find their way.
    I pray for those who are not looking for Jesus Christ and His Cross.
    I pray for all those;
    that are misjudged, misinformed, misrepresented, misguided and misunderstood.
    I pray for those who do not know You intimately, for nurture, solace & comfort.
    I pray for those that do not believe in You, Your Word, and Your Son.
    I pray for all my sisters and brothers, for families and households.
    I pray for peace, love and joy to be in their homes, lives and families.
    I pray that they will learn and obey Your stewardship principles.
    I pray that all their needs will be met, as they will live out Your life-style.
    I pray that everyone will know that for every problem You have the solution.
    I pray that everyone will know that for every question You have the answer.
    I pray that everyone will know that for every need You have the provision.
    I pray that everyone will know that for every circumstance
    You have the grace, the mercy and the power.
    You have the miraculous power to guide everyone through this maze of life!
    I pray that everyone will know You are the greatest and there is none greater.

    I pray that they will the “Shequina Glory of God”.
    There is neither situation, power, place, nor person greater than you!
    Oh, God, I commit every battle of my life into Your hands.

    Help me to fight wrong, sin and evil, doing my whole part
    and remaining utterly reliant upon You for the victory.
    Make this prayer to arise to You Oh Lord.

    Make my words to be received into Your heart.
    Cause me be your humble servant.
    You have created me for Your purposes.
    For Your glory I live, move, and have my being in Jesus Christ.
    Help me thus live.
    Cause my mouth to confess willingly, “You are Lord”!
    This is my prayer, in Jesus’ Name, Amen

  2. I hope you don’t mind if I just call you Rev instead of Reverend Retsel Eniaud Nella, Ph.D. That is one hell of a prayer, and I think you are sending it in concern for my welfare, maybe? Anyway, thank-you. I want you to know up front that I am a free heretic with a lot of christian background, but I cannot in good conscience call myself a christian. I don’t want to judge anyone in their own honest pursuit of a Higher Power. I also don’t want to be judged for mine. And I am rather sensitive because of witch-hunts I have experienced from churchians.

    Thank-you Rev.

  3. Yes Endigar,

    Hello. You said to me, “I think you are sending it in concern for my welfare, maybe?” Well, we don’t know each other… do we? But we are all similar aren’t wee, in the things that we need, feel love, lack and want. I do pray for you and this prayer is my heart, praying to God for me, and you. You may pray this prayer for yourself.

    ‘Rev’

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